When In Doubt, Sniff It Out

Barney really likes to sniff.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -  Because of the rash of terrorist threats and activities that have the nation on edge right now, from a pre-emptive nuke strike from Iran to being eaten by hungry North Koreans to being invaded by rogue Canadians, the US Department of Homeland Security has announced that they will be instituting a new form of security checks at airports nationwide starting next week.

Called the "Barney Check" thanks to Barney, a canine who these new rules were inspired by, involves having all passengers on commercial domestic and international flights be subject to a bomb sniffing dog sticking their nose in your genitalia as well as your anus to determine if you have stuffed a potential bomb in a bodily orifice.

Janet Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Security, says this will not only help continue the extensive security measures that have been in place for several years now, but will also give passengers a new comfort level when it comes to travelling because of greater security. "I was quite surprised to learn that our passengers do not enjoy being fingered or having a reach around performed to make sure that they are no hidden explosives on them," said Napolitano. "By incorporating the Barney Check, we'll be able to stop that process of blue glove intimacy and start a new process of blue nose intimacy, which people I'm sure will love more, and we'll love it more because it is more effective."

Instead of getting fondled by a same sex TSA agent, you will now have a cold nose placed against your skin by a trained canine, who will sniff all of your private orifices to insure greater airline safety. If the trained canine detects something that shouldn't be there, then you will be subject to the standard TSA cavity searches, reach arounds, and fingering.

Napolitano believes the Barney Check is right for America right now. "Because we are over 10 years removed from the tragedy of 9/11 and are ready to get our economy back on track the right way, we are ready to increase security in this one area at airports effective next week to continue our war on terrorism." Napolitano rubbed her hands together excitedly. "I can't wait to see what else is in store! We might be able to start doing strip teases as well, and that would be great because I could set my eyes on some nice beefcake right about now."

Barney, the canine for whom the new rules are named, is quite excite to start his new duties. "Barney really likes to sniff," said owner Herman Blanks. "He has a nose for pretty much anything and knows how to use it."

Security checkpoint passage times are expected to increase by at least 2 minutes once the Barney Check is implemented. All other standard security measures still apply.