CAMDEN, NJ – “Yeah, I know it’s not good for my health or my heart and I could die early but if it means I’m chopping up with a hottie then it’s worth it.” That is not just the thinking of 15-year-old Earl Tarns, it’s apparently the standard way of thinking for most teenage boys. It’s no secret that teenage obesity is on the rise in this country but the Pummelo recently learned that many teenage boys are purposely gaining weight so they can get chopped up, I.E. get laid, and be cool like the rest of the guys on the football, basketball, and baseball teams. When we asked him where he got his information, Earl took a bite from his McDonald’s Big Mac and replied, “Everywhere. Everyone talks about it and hears about it. It’s like a big underground movement and I’m going to be a sex God and chop them hotties all night long.”
After four months of interviews and investigative work, the Pummelo has discovered that this is an underground trend that originated on the west coast. Although we cannot confirm the rumor part of this investigation, we do have evidence regarding the study that took place. According to many sources, a young freshman at the University of California, Berkeley read a foreign study that indicated that fat men are better lovers when compared to average or smaller sized men. The Berkeley student decided to go viral with this report so that all guys, big or small, could get some “horizontal refreshment.” We tracked down the Berkeley student’s source and discovered there is some truth behind his story.
According to researchers in Turkey, overweight men last longer in bed. The study correlated body mass index with male sexual performance and stated that heavier men were able to make love for an average of 7.3 minutes while smaller men lasted an average of 108 seconds. The reason for this, according to the study, is that overweight men had higher levels of the female hormone estradiol, which blocks male hormones and delays the climax.
When we shared our information with Earl Tarns’ father, Brett, he went on record to say, “I just thought he had his mother’s genes and was gonna be fat his whole life. But now you’re telling me he’s doing this so he can bang a chick? That’s weird. Don’t the jocks and studs get the chicks? They did when I was in school,” he said with a grin. “But if Earl thinks he can become the next Ron Jeremy then go for it buddy! But he better not come crying to me when he’s so fat that the only one pleasing him is Rosie Palmer and her five sisters doing the four knuckle shuffle.”
The Pummelo shared the Turkish report with Earl and how the Berkeley student went viral with it, hoping it would sway him from destroying his body; however, the teenager looked at us and simply shrugged, “I don’t care. At this point I’m willing to try anything. I’m tired of taking long showers and my mom asking why we keep running out of lotion so quickly.”