"Jesus Forgave Me of 2,918 Sins!" Claims North Dakota Man

Justin Oliver says it'll take a lot for Jesus Christ to save 2,919 sins.

MINOT, ND - Justin Oliver says that Jesus Christ saved him from a lifetime of eternal shame. In fact, he  got saved from so many sins in his life that he feels like he must tell the entire world.

"That's right - Jesus Christ saved me from 2,918 sins when I accepted Him into my heart and my life," Oliver told The Pummelo this morning. "It's amazing the kind and gentle works that He can do in me with His Holy Spirit."

Oliver says that the 2,918 sins from which he was delivered make him quite possibly the worst sinner that Jesus Christ has ever saved from damnation. "There are a lot of sinners in the world that need Jesus," said Oliver. "I was probably Public Enemy #1. If Jesus Christ can save me, then he can save everyone else too."

From adultery to shoplifting to a couple long nights where he dabbled in homosexuality, Oliver tells us that the only thing he really didn't do before finding saving grace was murder someone. "I came awfully close though," Oliver admits. "I was banging some hot broad who wanted me to choke her as we came, and I kind of blacked out from that orgasm. When I came to, she wasn't breathing, so I performed CPR, she survived, and we banged out a couple more fantastic orgasms before the end of the evening."

Oliver sighed. "Those were the days... you know, before Jesus Christ saved my soul."

So does Oliver think his sins record will ever be beaten? "I don't know," admits Oliver. "2,918 sins is a lot of sins. I think it'll take a lot for Jesus Christ to save 2,919 sins, but I suppose it could be done if Jesus Christ was willing to do so."

Oliver now spends his days on food stamps, unemployed, and prays daily for a job. "I know the right job will come to me if I just sit in church, eat ramen, and pray hard enough for it," he said. "If Jesus Christ can save me from 2,918 sins, He can also provide me a $500k job, a Jaguar to drive, and a couple hours to volunteer every year because I'm too busy to care for starving children overseas."