National Police Blotter

Like all citizens, The Pummelo takes National Security very serious and to do our part, we are searching the country for trends in violence and terrorism so that all of us remain informed and alert. Here are the violators from the past week:

UTAH – An elderly woman contacted the police department about someone stealing her mail and was reportedly very upset over the incident. Local authorities responded to the call to gather information. When asked if she had seen someone taking items from her mailbox, the upset woman said, “No!” Local authorities then asked why she thought someone was stealing her mail and she responded, “I didn’t receive birthday cards from some of my family.” The woman was instructed to call her family members and no report was filed.

MISSISSIPPI – A sheriff’s department deputy was called out to a local tavern on a disturbance call. While investigating the argument that took place in the tavern, the deputy obtained the name of one of the men involved in the disturbance and ran his name. The name given to the deputy came up to be fake and the man was arrested because he and his alias both had outstanding warrants.

IOWA – Police department personnel were dispatched to a local mall where a woman was found on lying on the ground, dazed and confused. Initial questioning found that the lady believed that she was hit over the head and mugged while she was texting a friend. While she received medical treatment for what was thought to be a minor concussion, police personnel looked at the mall video footage. Mall video footage indicated that the woman walked head-on into a parking garage glass door while texting. No report was filed.

INDIANA – State, County, and Local authorities in the southern part of the state did reverse 9-1-1 calls to all residents. Citizens were asked to be on the lookout for 6’2” Caucasian man, with a shaved head, and numerous tattoos on both arms. The man, apparently, was accidentally released from the local prison and was last seen borrowing someone’s cell phone in a nearby town.

KENTUCKY – A local woman contacted the police dispatch about a group of teenagers who had just rolled a wheelchair bound man down a hill, watched him crash into a car, and were seen laughing and celebrating while the man lay motionless on the ground. Two patrol cars quickly responded to the call and the teenagers were detained while the other patrol unit assisted the man lying on the ground at the bottom of the hill. The police report indicated that the man in the wheel was another teenager with no disability. He had agreed to get pushed down the hill in the wheelchair to “see how fast I could go” and received a concussion after running into a parked vehicle at the bottom of the hill. The group of teenagers was warned about the dangers of their actions, especially with no helmet, and their parents were contacted.