If today is your birthday: The police and fire departments will handle the press for you after you burn down the entire apartment complex, and die, testing your new types or light bulb.
Aries: An official announcement regarding your accidental decapitation will be released for friends and family at 4:00 p.m. or so, sorry it’s so late.
Taurus: You will be the first person killed by the GAL387 Sentinel Drone in Arizona, so you’ll at least be written down in history.
Gemini: When she kisses you and wraps herself around you, that’s usually a sign the anaconda is getting ready to feed.
Cancer: I know you want to learn to love, learn not to hate, but I don’t think that woman named Amora charging you $50 an hour is the way to do it
Leo: You haven’t talked to him in years, and you don’t know if he is still a he at all. I guess that means he’s/she’s not your friend anymore.
Virgo: Why yes it does appear Florida law allows you to kill people just because you say you were scared, but I don’t think that applies to using a wood chipper.
Libra: His name is Earl, your new friend, and he likes burying people up to their necks in the sand at the beach and just leaving, he runs out of friends pretty fast..
Scorpio: So your new religion has only one rule? You must kill two of all species before you die, well guess you’re in for an interesting life now.
Sagittarius: That funny sensation in your crotch? That’s a snapping turtle.
Capricorn: Let me repeat this so that you understand it: Co-worker Bob promises you’re death at the end of shift today.
Aquarius: Changing your name is only half the battle, of course: If you truly want to disappear I’d suggest a gender reassignment surgery.
Pisces: Wow, you’re getting off easy, you’ll only be accused of being a pimp and lose your job and reputation.