If today is your birthday: Although you're in a creative phase, it's challenging to turn your enthusiasm into production. Once your key planet Uranus turns direct you’ll see how many assholes you need to punish and how to best dispose of them in large numbers with poisoned Cadbury Crème Eggs.
Aries: You may be challenged to make a big decision early today when the Aries New Moon joins inflated Jupiter in bed with your girlfriend. Whether you choose to respond violently or with discretion will dictate how the rest of the day goes.
Taurus: You want to have sex and take care your spousal duties as efficiently as possible today so you have extra time to retreat into the privacy of your Pinterest boards.
Gemini: The lunar shift into the intense depth of your 7th House of Greed this morning challenges you to push hard when you finally decide you want grandma’s fortune and throw her down the stairs.
Cancer: Even if you head back to work today, you're less interested in being productive than you are in socializing with your coworkers and dissecting the “Game of Thrones” premiere.
Leo: A major romantic breakthrough might occur about 3:24 this afternoon with the new UPS delivery girl lighting up your 5th House of Erection. Flirty Venus is cavorting through your sign now, encouraging you enhance your techniques, or remind you to use a lubricant and make sure you’re alone in the bathroom at work after the girl in brown leaves.
Virgo: The shadow of Saturn moves across your confidence today, and you aren't necessarily free from self-doubt, even if you're pretty sure that you weighted down the body enough that it won’t ever surface.
Libra: Try not to worry about anything that is outside of your control just now. Enjoy what you're doing at the moment and be open to the feedback you receive from the purple unicorns and giant koala after you lick that Snoopy stamp.
Scorpio: You are ready to push beyond your usual limits today as planets pile up in your 9th House of Acceleration and you attempt to find a way to pull the 747 bound for Singapore out of its dive and save all 457 passengers and crew.
Sagittarius: Impulsive acts could lead to stiff consequences when strict Judge Saturn opposes the postponement motion of your defense lawyers Sun and Moon in your murder case today.
Capricorn: Your hot air balloon of life has gone off course, don't try to fight against the prevailing currents, just hope you’re not grounded when it hits those power lines.
Aquarius: Full Sun in objective arrives in your 7th House of Self-Worth, reminding you that changing everything about you in trying to make someone else content is the most reliable path to happiness.
Pisces: Your key planet Mars turns direct at 11:00 p.m., inspiring you to communicate your feelings with those you love, and discussing delicate subjects such as how you prefer not to be tied with duct tape when being pegged but rather simple twine will be easier.