Death & Dentistry For 5/14/12:
If Today Is You Birthday: Sometime in the middle of the day birds and a homeless couple will do heinous things in and to your car.
Aries: With Jupiter in retrograde in your 3rd House of Convention you’ll have an egg salad sandwich like any other Monday lunch.
Taurus: The idea of leaving everything behind for the life of an isolated sheep herder appeals to you more and more, to day alien visitors give you the opportunity to make that happen.
Gemini: Flowers quickly fade; your happiness on your honeymoon will be like that.
Cancer: Just and observation, but cruelty eventually gets paid forward choose wisely today when you are with other people.
Leo: You don’t clean up after or even curb your dog, your breathing is the worst justification of existence ever, but neighbor Bob is an expert in explosives so this situation will resolve itself.
Virgo: Shocking everyone, including yourself, by the end of today you will quit your job, leave your family and spend the next eleven years looking for the Lost Dutchman’s Mine
Libra: You will continue to gravitate towards unavailable women as a way to validate your poor self-image.
Scorpio: You’re just a person, with all the insecurities and desires and needs that come from being a human being in American culture, perhaps moving to Mongolia would help.
Sagittarius: Today your spouse will be completely unreasonable and you should probably get right in their personal space and explain why.
Capricorn: Today a cyclist will piss you off and you’ll retaliate by doing something really, really stupid involving mayonnaise.
Aquarius: Being polite and courteous will definitely be an asset in a hostage situation
Pisces: You’ll soon discover that offering to buy a woman at the bar some meth is not an especially successful way to start a conversation