If today is your birthday: A birthday should be a day of contemplation about where you are now and where you want to be in the future. If having BDSM Sex in a kindergarten classroom is the answer then you’re on course.
Aries: Just don't fall into the trap of believing what you see now because of the Ketamine and DXM you had for breakfast.
Taurus: The lovely planet Neptune is visiting your 5th House of Indifference making you totally apathetic towards the mysterious longings of the human heart.
Gemini: You will be doing everything in a rush today which sometimes results in small accidents like running over the neighbors four year old or stubbing your toe.
Cancer: Holdups, obstructions and obstacles are all necessary to keep you in your place as a wretched obedient failure.
Leo: You’ll be working in close proximity to others today which will create uncomfortable odors and make your job of killing the mayor of Cincinnati unpleasant.
Virgo: Now that the Sun is in retrograde in your 5th House of Loathing you might find yourself hating the FBI agents monitoring you a little less.
Libra: Your co-workers and friends will make assurances today regarding your crush on Joseph Gordon Levitt that are impossible to fulfill.
Scorpio: You thought you impressed the clerk at the Hot Topic with your special request for a “Blues Traveler” shirt today but you were having the opposite effect.
Sagittarius: There's a strong quantity of craving and desire in your life today so it is a great day to play a few rounds of “Hungry, Hungry Hippos” as foreplay with the wife.
Capricorn: You must find a way to switch a catastrophe into a mere tragedy this afternoon or be stuck with hobo-stench on you forever.
Aquarius: Until this afternoon you might not even be aware of your current hatred toward pharmaceutical reps wearing Daffy Duck neckties.
Pisces: You’ve just gotten used to the routine of everyday living, but with today’s cataclysmic toe-nail cutting accident that all changes.