If today is your birthday: Some of life's greatest mysteries will always remain unexplained, including why you’re friends with people who insist on drinking terrible beer and eating at Applebee’s to celebrate your special days.
Aries: Philosophical people may be especially misguided today when discussing Skyrim. It becomes clear they don’t understand. Not about Skyrim, and not about life.
Taurus: Today, you must pick your battles wisely or you could end up in a violent siege, struggling for the ninth hole on the college’s disc-golf course.
Gemini: You have yet to realize you're in a hostile relationship with neighbor Bob, but his subtle hints of random gunfire are beginning to make you wonder.
Cancer: We live in a cynical time when people are desperate for heroes, proof of this; your deployment of 4,000 life rafts for polar bears is looked upon as an impulsive plea for attention.
Leo: You’ll get into a dispute with police, firemen, Old-Lady MaGinchy, and the Channel Nine anchorwoman today, one that doesn't really concern you.
Virgo: A simple act of self-restraint regarding the tapioca pudding at Golden Corral allows you to avoid an unpleasant scene.
Libra: The strong passion and desire in your life for Phineas and Ferb will end another relationship early.
Scorpio: Your need to connect with an old love could outweigh your common sense since she is now married to the president of the Aryan Terror Brigade.
Sagittarius: You’ll forget your sombrero when dressing as Papanatas the clown, the Stars say this is the reason you get Lyme disease.
Capricorn: Saturn’s alignment with Mercury means today is a great day for riding the Tilt-a-Whirl at the church carnival and getting a Hepatitis A from Thelma-Mae Miller.
Aquarius: You’re a pansy, quitting the trail immediately after your wagon capsizes in the Kansas River!
Pisces: I and the Stars are so sad and it is your listening to Nicki Minaj’s singing that caused it.