Your Weekend Death and Dentistry, May 25-28, 2012

Your Weekend Death & Dentistry For 5/25-28/12: 

If Your Birthday Is This Weekend:  Expect everyone to forget because hey it’s Memorial Day weekend and there is drinking and grilling to do.

Aries: When Thich Nat Hahn’s newest book is page after page calling you a hooligan maybe it is time to reevaluate your behavior.

Taurus: Broken windows, doors off the hinges, yes Neighbor Bob will be returning that cup of sugar.

Gemini: You’ll have to have your left leg removed below the knee, three others dead, more proof the bus driver is a complete psychopath or very lazy when pulling into stop.

Cancer:  Your refrigerator magnet collection has a created a unique magnetic wave and given sentience to the ice marker, who is now planning world domination.  

Leo: Just so you know, the housekeeper has evidence of your bizarre habit of kissing a Bugs Bunny charm before masturbating with a can of candied yams.

Virgo: This afternoon you’ll become frighteningly aware of your left nostril.

Libra: Yes it has come to this, cleaning up other people’s eye boogers for extra cash.

Scorpio: Neighbor Ted is still taking your silk panties before they go into the delicate cycle.

Sagittarius: The good news is you’ll have another forty or more hours in the esteem-crushing work environment of the Dollar Store next week.

Capricorn: This weekend’s lesson is that it is always more comfortable to rob someone’s home when the house is empty.

Aquarius: Come Monday you’ll finally crawl home reeking in a back alley, meth-smoking, dumpster diving way even though you only ate at the food court.

Pisces: Another weekend polishing Legos.