Ask Barnaby the British Cat: What Won’t The Cat Drag In?

Barnaby the British Cat is our expert on all things
British. Like bad teeth.

Dear Barnaby, I don't know what was more exciting... the anticipation for, or watching the Queen's Diamond Jubilee bash what did you enjoy most? Royal Anglophile

Dear Royal, Getting on a ship and arriving in Spain was my favorite part. Britain has lost all of its charm with these idiot human events. London is heading toward being a police state with your boorish, arrogant need to compete at games in a few weeks. The Queen has dogs and they are always inbred barmy breed defined pillocks I could not care less about the ungodly sums spent honoring her.

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Hi Barnaby, My girlfriend/fiancée is always upset with me when we eat. She says she is struggling with the ‘weird’ fact I cut up all of my food before I eat, if it needs cut like cauliflower, beans, yams, tofu. But I can’t change, what should I do? Eating Scared

Dear Eating, My fur and haunches are just ruffled reading this, you don’t mention meat, which I suppose is fine for an elitist prig but without chicken scrapes, of salmon we poor feral kitties have to work that much harder. Oh your worse half sounds like a controlling witch I’d change plans to marry her.

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Dear Barnaby, Most of the day, I’m home all alone, so I masturbate. A lot. With the windows open. Do you think this is bad? Moaning All Morning

Dear Moaning, This was addressed to me, should have been Uncle Mike or the Vicar. Regardless since it was addressed to me, it’s not bad per se, but it is annoying as hell for the cats in your area. We’re sensitive to smells, noises, movement, all these offensive things you are doing are messing with those cat’s ability to hunt, laze in the sun, prowl, SO KNOCK IT OFF AND FIND A PARTNER AND CLOSE THE DAMNED WINDOWS FREAK! HISSSSSS! 

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Dear Barnaby, What won’t the cat drag in? Curious in Columbia

Dear Curious, Well unless there is some odd reason, like they fed and protect you, a dead or dying dog, a dead or dying human. Otherwise I’d say poo or your inane letters.

If you would like Barnaby the Cat to answer your question, please feel free to leave your question in the comments section under this post. Barnaby will get to it when he stops licking himself.