Ask Uncle Mike: Stop Sexing Up Weird People

Uncle Mike dispenses love advice occasionally on The Pummelo
when we get the occasional letter. Do you have a question for him?
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Dear Uncle Mike:
I've got a little problem and I don't know how to tell my girlfriend. You see, I kind of have this addiction to sex. I have to have sex at least six times a day in order to feel normal. Now that means I end up masturbating A LOT to satisfy my urges, but when my girl is out of town on business for a few days, it also means that I end up clubbing and getting laid. Now these are all one night stands and they don't mean anything to me beyond the fact that I have this need to have sex satisfied, but yeah - I've got this burning sensation that I've never had before. It's kind of like I'm pissing pins and needles, but it gets really, really bad when I ejaculate in the shower. Is there something wrong with me? Did I accidentally sleep with a man in a drunken stupor? And when my girl gets back on Thursday, can I have sex with her? Thanks buddy. ~ Hurting in Huntsville

Dear Hurting in Huntsville:

So the good news - you probably don't have HIV or AIDS. The burning sensation on your penis to me sounds like you've got chlamydia. Now before you freak out, chlamydia is the most widely transmitted infection around the world, so you're not alone in your suffering. Probably the best way to confirm the diagnosis is to see if you've got some white sperm-like fluid coming out of your dickhole when you take a piss the next time. If you do, that's your body fighting the infection and your pissing out pus. 


My friend, what you have there is what I would call VD. You need to go get a shot. Of course, everything is politically correct these days, so I guess I should tell you that you've got a sexually transmitted infection or disease. That sounds a lot scarier I know. Don't let it bother you. At least you weren't sleeping with your uncle for 20 years like me.

Now there's two things you've got to make sure that you do: 1) don't rub your eyes after you piss or masturbate. Chlamydia can get into your eyes and cause conjunctivitis, which means you could literally go blind because you masturbated too much. Wash your hands good and make sure they dry; and 2) don't have sex with other people until a week after your antibiotic series from the doc has run out. The last thing you need to do is give other people this shit and make them miserable like yourself.

Now let's talk about being addicted to sex, eh? Sex is a good thing. Too much sex is a good thing. Needing to have sex at least 6 times a day every day means you're fucked up in the head, my friend. It's one thing if you're Tiger Woods and can be banging hot babes all the time... or even hot dudes. You ain't getting the cream of the crop when you go out clubbing. You're getting the weird and desperate people out there who probably sniff cream cheese and give out fruitcakes for Christmas. Don't sex up the crazies! Just go invest in some counseling before you become a serial killer.

It's ok to be a freak. It's just not ok to be a sex crazed, disease-ridden freak trying to fuck anything with two legs that walks upright.