Ask The Vicar: Damn Right, My Child!

Father Knowlen is minimally sexual with women,
 men and docile farm creatures

Dear Father Knowlen:
First of all, let me say that I'm an avid masturbator to your column. However, what I need now is help with my problem. You see, my promiscuous friends tell me about places with gloryholes where they go to suck cock. Is there anything along those lines where guys can go to give girls oral sex? I want to go down on girls. I love the taste and want to do it every day. Thank you, Licking My Chops

Dear Chops:

I can appreciate your enthusiasm. There is no direct passage in the Old Testament or New Testament that adequately convinces me that oral sex is a sexual sin in itself for the non-married. That said, I would see it hard to have oral sex without a connection emotionally with the person you are performing the act on. Sexual touch is an expression of intimacy with that person. But good luck to you in your search and please let me know if you’re successful.

☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩

Dear Father Knowlen:

I never realized how kinky I was until I found my current boyfriend. He likes to take me from behind and it is amazing, he also has asked me to be on top, and I’m thinking about it? Should I be ashamed? Crazy For Kinky

Dear Kinky:

Please get married, nowhere in Scripture are there limits on the sexual relationship of a godly husband and wife, until you’re married some shame is required.

☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩☩

Dear Father Knowlen:

I’m married and as much as I love my husband, our sex life is severely lacking. He won’t reciprocate and won’t listen when I say reciprocity makes the orgasms go round. So I cut him off, continued my private play, and left him to his. Now he insists I write you, so I have. No O, No Sex

Dear No O:

Damn Right my child! Let him pay the price of being an awful and uninspired lover. Read him this ~ I am not feigning disgust at your husband! He should buy you toys and an instruction manual for himself and take you on a week’s holiday to Ibiza

Vicar Knowlen occasionally answers sex and relationship questions from Pummelo readers. He wishes you a wonderful evening and will pray for your depraved souls. You can reach him at thepummelo@hotmail.com and put "Ask the Vicar" in the subject.