Daily Death and Dentistry, June 13, 2012

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 6/13/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  You’re going to get killed today in a real old fashioned way, stoning, shouldn’t have turned 30.

Aries: You often feel like you’re coming apart, and sorry to tell you this but you are, your cells are in rebellion.

Taurus:  Global notoriety is approaching.

Gemini:  You afternoon will last for half an hour, and by then you’ll be dying.

Cancer: You’ll discover the worst part is that the Secret Service NEVER has any sympathy for you. They just scream, "Don't Move!" 

Leo: This afternoon remind others you do best with people who cower before you.

Virgo: Remember, you need to get that baby before tonight’s ceremony.

Libra: How are you accepting all the cognitive dissonance?

Scorpio: Your loneliness can be attributed to a complete lack of charisma.

Sagittarius: Look, they will swear to God that nothing harmful will occur if you come forward. But they can’t protect you in the stall on the 3rd floor men’s room.

Capricorn: Workplace accidents are never a fun thing except in this case with the water and the painter’s plastic; it’s like water world, except with that really painful stop.

Aquarius: Good Morning to a man who dies an unbearably needless death in a fiery car accident.

Pisces: Statistically, you’re nothing more than two desperate souls clutching at each other in the churning ocean of life.