Daily Death and Dentistry, June 19 2012

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 6/19/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  Your father has arranged an all-expenses paid tour of the cities cesspools and sewage ponds today so make sure you thank him.

Aries: You will return from your business trip to find an angry mob of kangaroos has claimed your house as their new habitat.

Taurus:  You should distrust prophecies and predictions which are vague and ambiguous enough to apply to anyone, such as those found in fortune cookies.

Gemini:  Relax; there are worse things in life than being called “Booger Snacker” as you will find out Thursday.

Cancer: When your wife hugs you, she tells you everything will be OK. But secretly you know the truth.

Leo: Once again your day will be completely ruined by a grocery clerk’s callous disregard of your humanity.

Virgo: Rouge dog groomers are the cold, dark face of humanity, stripped of reason, of everything that makes you happy and today you have no choice but to go to Oddles O’ Poodles.

Libra:  You could still potentially die from diphtheria.

Scorpio: Why would you want to do that to someone?

Sagittarius: Your lack of sex drive is not relevant to hostage negotiations, you need to focus on rescuing people,

Capricorn: You will continue to make all decisions based on the racist conspiracy facts your grandfather spouted during his dementia.

Aquarius: You’re entering a situation so ridiculous that I think I received a transmission error from the stars.

Pisces: We all grieve in our own way but masturbating with vegemite doesn’t seem rational.