Waldo Canyon Fire Set By An Angry Waldo

Did your home burn? Blame this guy.

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO - The Waldo Canyon Fire has been described as a "monster event" that is consuming an untold amount of homes in its destructive path. Unlike the last major fire in this region being set by a vindictive park ranger who was allegedly involved in some hot and kinky sex, this fire has been caused by someone much less sinister... but much more angry.

"Do you know what it's like to have people trying to find you day after day after day?" Waldo told us today. "You can't eat. You can't sleep. You can't even go and take a shit without someone trying to peep in your tiny bathroom window."

Yes, that's him. The lovable children's character that many of us have spent untold hours trying to locate has finally had enough of being found. "Yeah I set that fire with an unattended campfire," Waldo admitted. "It was 3am and a bunch of drunk assholes came into the campground yelling 'Hey WAAAAALLLLLLLDO! WE FOUND YOU!' And then they broke into my tent and tried to fondle me."

"I heard they were from Colorado Springs, so I did what any reasonable human would do after being stalked for untold years," continued Waldo. "I let that motherfucker burn like Nero did to Rome."

Ironically, Colorado Springs police are going to have to locate Waldo in order to arrest him.

Jay, a regular contributor to The Pummelo, is based in our Colorado Springs office. He has been able to see the flames from the Waldo Canyon Fire creep ever closer. "I'm gonna curb him," said Jay this morning. "If I find him, I'm going to stop his face into the curb all American X style because unlike him, I don't believe in brutally murdering someone."

Waldo says that if people don't stop trying to find him after this, he's just going to start more fires. "Arson is fun, bitches," he said in closing. "You want to come find me? Then I'm going to turn your home into an inferno."