Your Daily Death and Dentistry, June 4, 2012

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 6/4/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  Your spouse’s casual, “Happy Birthday you toxic boil on my ass!” will be missing some subtle undertones of love.

Aries: Another long day of smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

Taurus: Try not to be too offended when Neighbor Ted offers to show you the contents of his Kleenex collection.

Gemini:  You will not live long enough to reach the point in time when you travel back, in time, and end up killing your younger self, so good news!

Cancer: Climatologists have not ruled out the possibility, in theory at least, that you are the sole cause of Global Warming.

Leo: It turns out that your happiness cannot be achieved in our universe.

Virgo: The chances you have of surviving the day, are about the same chances my laundry has of being folded… astronomically slim.

Libra: Perhaps you should let go of the superstitious and illogical belief the stars can have any meaning; this reading was done in the time tested manner of Tarot Cards.

Scorpio: A sex trafficker will abduct you, but at least your spouse will get a few hours of sleep out of this.

Sagittarius: Two words: Spontaneous combustion.

Capricorn: Today is only a small indicator of how life in the Venezuelan prison is going to be.

Aquarius: Your interaction with Neighbor Bob remains limited to uncomfortable glances through windows and unfortunate violent encounters.

Pisces: A warning about your new hobby, the only thing other drivers like less than other cars on the road are cyclists.