Your Daily Death and Dentistry, June 6, 2012

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 6/6/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  You'll learn a lot about the velocity of water from a fire hose and eye damage in your family’s self-made water park.

Aries: At least the psycho clown has some endearing bit of cuteness.

Taurus:  You know some of us prefer our delusions to despair.

Gemini:  Turns out there’s more to being a hit-man than smiling while garroting someone.

Cancer: Losing your legs in a traffic accident really sucks. Hardly a mindblowing revelation, I grant you.

Leo: Good on you, Leo, for cherishing and sustaining your mother’s mummified corpse.

Virgo: Please get the bandages and first aid kit from the laundry closet, Neighbor Ted has had a bit of an accident in the crawl space.

Libra: Your new hair style with the side singeing from that cataclysmic explosion your cell-phone sparked at the gas station really looks good.

Scorpio: Wait 11 to 15 billion years. Maybe then you’ll have caught up with everyone else’s evolution.

Sagittarius: They’ll say, “Stop doing that.” And of course you won’t you being an asshat and all.

Capricorn: Neighbor Bob might give half a damn about your begging for life  if he had half a clue who you are.

Aquarius: Go ahead and keep telling your wife she’s wrong, chief. Plenty of people eat Cheerios. Jupiter had Cheerios for breakfast, actually.

Pisces: You need to make it crystal-clear to the boss, fire captain, and SWAT negotiator you’re not a friggin’ pansypants.