Your Daily Death & Dentistry, July 16, 2012

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 7/16/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  Does it feel like something snaking inside? Twisting, crushing, burning, pulling, squeezing, and stabbing? Yeah that’s what you get sleeping with truck stop hookers and flea bitten mandrills all the time.

Aries: You’re going to have to find another room to bury the bodies under now that you’ve taken every square inch of the living room.

Taurus:  You used to sit silently and enjoy a drink, looking out at the sea but after you’re blinded today that will just be a pleasant memory.

Gemini:  Flies will be drawn to your decaying body... well, something that looks like flies anyway.

Cancer: I know it is discouraging, but it might even be that protecting yourself from the white stuff in the corner of people’s eyes is beyond the powers of any one person.

Leo: You will be elevated to metaphysical status 11 minutes from now after the train derails.

Virgo: The rule is, ‘you get what you deserve’ so you get buried under 11,000 gallons of rum raisin ice cream traveling today.  

Libra:  You have a great personality, but the reckless violent format of your life doesn’t allow you to show it.

Scorpio:  A historically significant response will be required against the campaign worker at your door today.

Sagittarius: Simply follow your impulse when the Galactic Counsel of Nebbish Gumshoes asks for an interview.

Capricorn We all get exhausted at some point, but usually not when trying to climb the Empire State Building good thing you’re only 190 feet from the ground.

Aquarius The Stars are inclined to think that their role in Aquarian lives is finished because you continue to ignore them.

Pisces: Regardless of what Mom and Dad said you are a human being without potential.