Are You Willing to Be Wrong?

You know, I feel like I don't ask for too much in life. I like having enough money to put food on the table, have a roof over my head, have warm clothes to wear because I live in Washington and boy can it get damp and moldy here, be able to save some for an emergency, and have a little left over to be able to have some fun with my family. That's not too much to ask, right?

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

When it comes to a politician that represents me in our government, because our government is a Constitutional republic, not a democracy as so many like to say it is, I want someone who has common sense, will think for himself, and be open minded. Why? Because my politician shouldn't be pushing and enforcing their own belief system in Washington - they should be pushing and enforcing the belief system of the majority in their own district.

Sure I adhere to a certain standard of personal belief and morality. We all do. Yet our government in the United States was founded on the principles of everyone being created equal - that means Christian, Jew, Muslim, Atheist, Agnostic, Crazy Uncle Mike, and even that weird guy who sits on the corner downtown and mumbles something about aliens, anal probing, and other various conspiracies involving the large intestine. That doesn't mean that what I believe is not important - what it means is that what you believe is equally as important as what I believe.

Not better, not worse... equal.

Win One For The Stripper, Not The Gipper

Detroit Pistons coach Lawrence Frank is currently under investigation following the Pistons’ win over the Indiana Pacers, 96-88, on December 31. The win over the Pacers snapped a three game losing streak for the Pistons and it prompted Coach Frank to congratulate and motivate his team towards future wins.

Following the win, Frank brought his two young daughters to the post game news conference and asked reporters, "You guys want to ask them questions?" 


While Coach Frank was addressing the media with his daughters, the locker room was found to be off limits to all media personnel and all Detroit Pistons players would not emerge for interviews. The Pummelo has learned that loud, bumping music was not only drowning out the team celebration, but it attempted to drown out the player’s catcalls and lewd comments towards the strippers that Lawrence Frank and his staff had purchased.

A confidential inside source confirmed that the Pistons’ coaching staff had purchased the strippers and, "had been planning it since the first game of the season." 


Frank’s strategy appeared to work with the Pistons beating Orlando 89-78 on January 2. The Pummelo could not obtain information to see if the Pistons were rewarded with more hard bodies for their efforts on the hardwood, but an educated guess would be that this is the case.


"I think players were hitting it and I’m not talking about their jump shots," our inside source stated. Neither the Detroit Pistons organization nor the NBA could be reached for comment.

Pummelo Sportsbook: Week 3

Today’s Online Sportsbook Betting is sponsored by Southside Lou: the ultimate source for hardcore Sportsbook gamblers.

Cheese Chasing - Cheese chasing is an event whereby members of an English village called Brockworth in Gloucestershire, send a good-sized cheese down a steep hill whereupon all the cheese-chasing contestants chase after it before it falls flat and becomes out of play.

Week 3 odds for highest number of cheese captures:

Eder – 2/1 (Leads Gruber by 3 cheeses after last week’s bad weather)
Gruber – 4/1 (Fell face first into a male judge’s crotch during first heat & never recovered)
Lechner – 4/1 (Strong showing, tied with Gruber, started to taunt Gruber during last heat)
Goossens – 5/1 (Ran the race shirtless & in boxers, quickly becoming fan favorite)
Hristov – 25/1 (Breath smelled of Bourbon but managed to capture a cheese)
Poulsen – 25/1 (Started using an inhaler this week. Betters are losing confidence)
O’Brien – 30/1 (Wore tight pants to impress the ladies, limited his mobility)
Smith – 45/1 (Still wears cycling shorts. Competing with O’Brien for the ladies)
Clarke – 70/1 (Continues to make improvement without his wheelchair)
Lynch – 70/1 (When he’s not chasing cheese, he’s eating. Very few wagers on him)

Wife Carrying – Contestants in Finland have the great honor of holding the annual Wife Carrying World Championships. Participants simply grab a hold of their significant other and carry her (or him) to the finish line faster than the other competitors.

League games are hosted in the small town of Sonkajärvi in upper Savo, in the eastern part of Finland. The rules say nothing at all about the weight of the wife, only that she can be yours as well as somebody else's.

Week 3 odds for winning the race:

Korhonen – 3/1 (Beat Neiminen by 2 seconds. Wives exchanged “fat” taunts)
Neiminen – 3/1 (Vowed to do an intestinal cleanse to increase his time next week)
Laine – 6/1 (Holding strong in 3^rd. Wife wore skirt with no panties to distract others)
Koskinen – 8/1 (Wife still not wearing a bra. Both disappeared quickly after race)
Saarinen – 8/1 (Changed carrying techniques & finished strong)
Niemi – 10/1 (Good showing, husband finished strong. Rumors about purging by wife)
Heikkila – 30/1 (Husband still carries wife. Wife carried a riding crop during race)
Salonen – 40/1 (Unique technique led to face first crash. Wife seen drinking after)
Rantanen – 50/1 (Improved time from last week. Husband seems comatose)

Catholic Church: Secret Families Not OK; Molesting Children Is OK

VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict today accepted the resignation of Gabino Zavala today, an assistant bishop in the Archdiocese of Los Angeles, under the auspices that he is unfit to perform his duties for the Catholic church.

And just why is this former priest unfit for duty? Because he has a secret family, including two teenage children, living in another state.

"The hypocrisy of this is just amazing," said Claire Bennett, a long time parishioner in the Los Angeles Archdiocese. "They'll send priests who sexually molest children to other parishes with zero notification to the families that attend there about their dangerous behaviors so that they can continue to molest other children, yet force this guy out because he strives to live a normal life? Ridiculous."

In an attempt to just make this all go away without a potential lawsuit, the Archdiocese has reached out to the family to make sure that they are practicing Catholics and if they are, will offer free college tuition to the children affected by this. "A family shouldn't need to atone for the sins of their father," said Archbishop Jose Gomez, "so we want to make sure that right is done by them. It's not their fault that their father couldn't keep it in his pants."

The Catholic Church requires their priests to be celibate.

"You know, people say Catholicism is the only true way to Heaven because it is the church that Jesus started," said Bennett. "But if you ask me, when you compare Protestants to Catholics when it comes to our leaders, there are many more priests abusing children and sinning in sex than there are Protestant ministers." Bennett shook her head. "It's one thing to run off with the church secretary. It's another thing to impersonate Jerry Sandusky."

It is unknown what Zavala's future will hold now that his resignation has been accepted, but Zavala says his plans for the next couple weeks are set with him and his family. "We're going to Disneyland!" he declared.

Michele Bachmann Suspends Campaign; Corn Dogs Rejoice

Bachmann suspended her campaign today.
Photo: Gage Skidmore

DES MOINES, IA - Michele Bachmann, after a dismal 5% showing at the Iowa caucuses last night, has made the difficult decision to suspend her campaign for the 2012 White House this morning.

"Last night, the people of Iowa, the people of my home state, the people whom I love so dearly, basically told me that I should go 'f' myself," Bachmann said at a hastily arranged press conference this morning. "I just want everyone to know that their message has been heard loud and clear and that I have listened."

Instead of being disheartened by a vast majority of the votes being cast against her, Bachmann says she is excited to see what God has in store for her next. "When one door closes, another one opens up somewhere," said Bachmann. "I am anxious to see what is behind that door."

Political theorist James Maxwell of the Tea Party Institute says that Bachmann really never had a chance with her unapologetic genocidal behaviors. "When you get your picture taken massacring innocent corn dogs and don't even have the decency to stand up and be held accountable for your actions, then there is no hope for you to ever be President of the United States," said Maxwell. "If you ask me, she shouldn't be that surprised that Iowans told her she should go disappear into a vast void."

The State Fair League, the largest union of free corn dogs in the United States, released a joyous statement to the press after hearing of Bachmann's campaign suspension. "No longer will our race be subjected to being orally consumed or internally digested," it said in part. "No more innocents will be sent out her pooper. That in itself makes today a beautiful day."

Bachmann now joins former frontrunner Herman Cain on the GOP sidelines. "I just want to thank the few of you who did end up deciding to support me and support change in this country," said Bachmann in closing. "I'm sorry I disappointed you, but I'm more sorry that most people are willing to stay with the status quo and not vote a vagina into office."

As for the future, Bachmann is unsure. "I'm probably just going to let Herman Cain by me a couple drinks and let him tell me how sexy my breasts are," she said with a shrug.

Farmer's Daughters Actually Make You Feel Like Crap

Roxy Reynolds tells us not to believe the hype in
farmer's daughters. "I'll slit your fuckin' throat," she told us.

HARMONY, MN - In a town known for hot Amish goodness and hotter farmer babes you can find Roxy Reynolds. Reynolds has been living on a farm all her life and she says she doesn't get why men are so attracted to her simply because she's a farmer.

"We get these horny guys up here all the time thinking I'm going to be an easy score just because I'm a farmer's daughter," she told us recently. "But I've got news for those assholes - if you touch me, I'll fuckin' slit your throat."

Reynolds says that she doesn't know any girls up there who would treat a boy "all right." "After getting up at 5am to milk the cows and cover myself in cow shit, I take a shower, get to school, sit in some stupid fucking class all day, come home, get covered in cow shit for another three hours, eat dinner, shower again, and try to do homework or watch a movie or something."

"There's no way in hell that after going through all of that every single fucking day that I'm really going to give a shit about who you are, where you came from, or what you want," continued Roxy. "If you really want to get into my pants, you'd come over and do my chores for me without asking."

Would that really work? Roxy smiled. "You gonna do my chores tonight and pull some cow titties?"

Ted Buchanan, who is a sophomore attending Luther College in nearby Decorah, IA, tells us he's been going up to Harmony every year and has even tried going all the way down to Cedar Rapids to try to get some hot farmer's daughter hoochie without success. "It's like all the hot farm girls turned Christian or something. I just don't get it."

Reynolds says guys can keep coming up and trying. "I like free dinners and shit, you know," she said. "But if you really want to feel good, you might as well stay home, smoke a joint, and go masturbate in the shower. At least then you won't feel like a failure."

French Mountain Resolves To Keep Snow All Year

CHAMONIX, FRANCE - Locals here are cheering the resolve of their local hero, Mount Blanc, as it makes it yet another day toward keeping it's 2012 New Year's Resolution.

"I think it's just so awesome," said local Chamonix resident Paul Pierre. "To have that kind of resolve is inspiring. It makes me want to do great things, maybe. Like 2014 or something, you know?"

So what has Chamonix residents singing the praises of Mount Blanc daily? Because Mount Blanc has made the resolution to keep a dusting of snow on it's peaks for the entire year.

"Watching Mount Blanc... it's like watching a fine pair of titties," said longtime Chamonix resident Jean-Paul Bourdeaux. "When they sag a little bit, it's just not as appealing. Sure they're still fine to look at and climb up and all, but it's just a better experience when all the parts are where they are supposed to be."

Bourdeaux shook his head. "Seeing Mount Blanc with no snow is like climbing up your nana's titties," he said. "Saggy, brown, and old. That's how I'd also describe that mountain when it's snowless."

It may be difficult in the summer months to maintain the proper snowpack level and keep this resolution, especially with global warming these days, but Pierre says that he's confident that the great Mount Blanc will pull through. "That mountain will keep snow on it if it means I have to trek up there every day to deliver it," said Pierre. "This resolution... it's not just about the mountain. It's about all of us. It's about all of us facing difficult circumstances and overcoming them."

Bourdeaux agrees. "If worse comes to worse, I'll buy it a nice push-up bra and it'll feel better about itself until it gets it's snow back," he said. "Nothing's worse than a mountain with low self-esteem."

Mount Blanc had no comment for this article.

Billions Needed To Save Jigsaw Puzzles, American Society

Could American decline into this kind of chaos?

VERO BEACH, FL - At first glance, the four pronged hole left open in the image of Washington Crossing the Delaware seemed fairly minor.

Then Molly Swift and Donald Dorn got to looking and the hole expanded until an entire piece of the general’s leg was missing. What Swift and Dorn discovered has become far too common, even small 200 piece puzzles donated to charity, assisted living and thrift stores have a shocking number of missing sections.

It took three weeks and about a million dollars to repair the puzzle, which was printed and sold in 1989.

“Time and use have caused missing pieces and sent them God knows where,” said Leonard Burns, curator of the Jigsaw Puzzle National Trust in the District of Columbia. “We have to find them and see if they’re shredded, worn or damaged in any way, and if so make a costly replacment.”

Even buried in an assisted living center on the east coast of Florida, the puzzle that recreates Leutze’s famed painting is an advertisement for laziness and inattentiveness by the American people.

Although they are out of sight and out of mind except when struggled to be put together, jigsaw puzzles are more vital to civilized society than any other aspect of entertainment.

Rapidly deteriorating television and popular music may stifle America’s economy and turn mundane boredom into nightmares, but if the nation’s oldest and most established pastimes begin to fail, life as we know it will too.

 “Every home, every social gathering place where we warehouse people have these problems, and to me it’s the unseen catastrophe,” Burns said. “My humble view is that the hobby we’re committed too is the bedrock of civilization because it’s not just an activity, it is a hobby that requires attention, reasoning and brings people together. At least with cards or board games, people have some idea of what missing and can make do but not with a puzzle. ”

At a Senate hearing last month, it was estimated that, on average, 75 percent of resold or donated jigsaw puzzles have missing pieces. The same committee was told it will take $335 billion to resurrect destroyed pieces (vacuumed, crushed, water damaged) and $300 billion to fix damaged pieces.

There is no better illustration of the looming national crisis than the Crossing puzzle found in Vero Beach. The puzzle was originally 750 pieces but once all those in the box were used 35 total pieces were missing, and four others went to different puzzles, without action by the trust the puzzle would have remained incomplete, a disaster.

Emergency crews from the National Trust rush from site to site to tackle an average of 3,500 missing pieces a week

“Who knows when the next incident will be the one that triggers the collapse of society,” said Burns. “The frustration, the sadness, the unleavened fury we barely keep contained could explode at any moment.”