Forget a Touchdown - God Answers Tebow Prayer With a Cheeseburger

This tasty cheeseburger just fell from the sky, baby.
"You can't always have it your way," God said.

GILLETTE STADIUM - For all those atheists, agnostics, and doubters and general, let it be known that has of this afternoon, just before the Denver Broncos take on the New England Patriots in a NFL playoff game, God has answered a prayer.

And it was the prayer of Tim Tebow, of course.

"That Tim, he keeps praying for touchdowns, victories, and strength to defeat his enemies," God told us exclusively. "For once I figured it was about time to prove that you can't always have it your way, or their way, for that matter."

To that extent, a cheeseburger fell from the sky as an answer to Tebow's prayer for strength. "It is a well known fact that the consumption of protein before or after an intensive workout can help proactively repair muscle tone and strength," God said. "I should know, after all. I created all of you, you know."

Flame broiled, juicy, and with lots of ketchup, apparently no one has been brave enough to taste or try what has become dubbed as the "Sky Burger" by those who witnessed the event. Jerry Mercury sells concessions at the stadium and says that the burger almost hit him. "I heard this strange whistling sound coming from above me, so I looked up and saw this speck headed towards my eye. Next thing you know, there's this cheeseburger not 10 feet from me." Mercury shook his head. "Damndest thing I ever seen."

There was no comment from Tebow regarding this answer to his prayer, but someone did report a strange weeping sound coming from the Broncos locker room.

God says no one should be saddened. "I don't answer prayers the way people want or expect all the time," He told us. "If I did, everyone would win the lottery. Everyone would be famous. Everyone would have everything they ever wanted. That's not life - that means it's all for your glory. When I answer prayer, it's to bring about glory to me."

We'll keep you updated in case we find out if someone is courageous enough to eat the Sky Burger.

Obama & Washington Clearly Jealous of The Pummelo

Could SOPA just be a ruse to take over possession
of The Pummelo? 

WASHINGTON, D.C. - As Congress works toward passing SOPA, or the Stop Online Piracy Act, as well as PIPA, or the Protect IP Act, under Obama's clearly approving eye, it has come to our attention that one thing is extremely clear:

President Obama & Washington itself is clearly obsessed with obtaining The Pummelo. Clearly they are jealous of our popularity coming into Election 2012.

After all, who wouldn't be jealous of that fact that as an independent blog with zero funding we rank in the Top 1/3 of all websites visited globally? And who wouldn't be jealous of the fact that at any point in time on our site you can click on a link and see a hot babe in a Star Trek outfit?  Come to think of it, who wouldn't be jealous of the fact that almost 3,000 people regularly check their horrorscope at least once per week?

Well stop it, Washington. Stop it, Obama. WE DON'T WANT SOPA OR PIPA PASSED!


Sorry about that bold font and capital letter thing. It's just that we kind of like the thing that we've got going on Pummelo here. We like the fact that 2,000 people regularly visit our blog on any given day. We like getting to know you crazy SOBs on Twitter with our feeds, though admittedly JB is much more of a Twitter fiend. Of course he doesn't have 4 kids under 4 to watch like I do and has the time to regularly think up jokes about sex while I am mired in poop jokes thanks to the average of 20 diapers I change daily. But who's counting? WHO'S COUNTING MOTHERFRACKERS????

Sorry - Battlestar Galactica is on in the background. That's a great show, by the way. Starbuck is hot for a dude.

So I won't beg, but I will say this: just leave Pummelo alone. Leave all of us who create great content for the internet and global community alone. Let us do our thing without you trying to get your greasy paws into it. Otherwise I might just vote for the Republican this year instead of Independently and help kick your ass out of office. I can deal with the ethics of siding with the Tea Partiers later.

Stop SOPA. Stop PIPA. So say we all.

Pagan Gods Refuse To Take Sides Between Tebow And Brady

Herne really would like to be left alone

SALEM, MA –After a morning ceremony by a small group of Wiccans at Crow Haven Corner asking for supernatural support for the New England Patriots Pagan Gods  Rhiannon and Herne sent word to the Pummelo that they and all other Pagan gods want to be left alone and have no interest in American football, Christianity or anything else that humanity maybe currently involved in.

“I am actively leading the Wildhunt,” said King Herne. “Which isn’t anything Tom Brady or Tim Tebow has any interest in anyway. Besides that I’ve met the Christ he is a decent sort and doesn’t seem to be any more interested in human sports and competition than I am, in fact I believe he is more interested in what they are doing for each other.”

For her part Rhiannon says that while it may be nice that some humans are once again interested in her, she isn’t all that interested in Wiccans.

“I think it’s quaint that some ladies in Salem think that we Earth Goddesses are listening to them and their little circles, but they pretty much are getting everything wrong, now if they actually put Mr. Brady up on an alter I’d be really happy, ohh the things I could do with him,” said Rhiannon.

The two ancient deities explained that after actively being involved in human affairs 2,000 years ago they decided that it just wasn’t worth the effort anymore.

“Honestly, humans are too stubborn and to erratic for my tastes,” said Herne. “After Christ went down and made his deal I felt I could at least take a step back. As a Celtic God it was a little bit different for me then Zeus or Odin, I wasn’t as famous, or arrogant to be frank.”

Town Votes to Change Name After Being Overrun by Perverts

THREE WAY, TN - A small Tennessee community northeast of Memphis is looking to change its name after a huge insurgence of perverted tourists. 

Three Way, Tennessee is a quiet town [but calls itself a city] with a population of 1,357, and its residents enjoy the safe and simple life. But that has changed in the past two years now that tourists flood the community every September for the town’s annual celebration. 

The Three Way Festival is held in late September every year and the family fun atmosphere has quickly transformed. “It used to be like a giant family picnic,” says resident Lois Gantner, “but now it’s more like a giant orgy. All of those sick, perverted people come into town wearing next to nothing, gyrating against one another, and drinking all that alcohol.”

The Pummelo has learned that the town’s population surges to nearly 6,000 during the late September celebration with the vast majority of people being thrill seekers looking for a good time at the Three Way Festival. “I don’t know how or why people thought our town celebration was a giant orgy but the citizens have had enough and change needs to be made. Even if it means changing our town name to Mud,” said Gantner. According to reports, tourists grab up available hotel rooms in nearby Humboldt Jackson before taking over Three Way. After the first year, Three Way attempted to control the sudden insurgence by asking for assistance from the Madison County Sherriff’s Department but it did not curb the onslaught of perversion.

The town is busy attempting to change its name in hopes of putting an end to the sexual trend. Progress, however, is slow. Many residents, in fact, are calling for Mayor James R. Hill’s resignation. “He’s either part of the problem or part of the solution,” according to Gantner, “And if he wants to avoid a public lynching, he better be part of the solution.” 

Americans Too Poor, Lazy, And Distracted To Kill One Another

Apparently this is now only seen on television

ATLANTA, GA – Apparently poverty is good for the social order. True no one has a job or money and everything's going to hell; but astonishingly the streets are not covered in blood and bullet casings. People are not hacking each other to death.

According to the annual report on mortality by the Centers for Disease Control for the first time since 1965 murder was not among the 15 leading causes of death in the United States. This backs up the National Crime Victimization Survey which a long-term trend of violent crime dropping precipitously; between 1993 and 2010, the rate fell by 70%,

Dr. Alisha Conervor says that the CDC believes that there are several reasons for this. “There are many more distractions than there used to be, hundreds of television stations, the internet, video games,” said Conervor. “We think that the fact people don’t go outside and have very limited contact with each other limits violent activity.”

FBI director Robert Mueller though says that there is a very simple answer to the declining numbers. “We need to face three facts,” said Mueller. “Americans are either to fat and lazy to go on a crime spree or are too tired from working three jobs, or are too depressed from not having any job to even consider hurting anyone. Is it good news, well that depends, but generally yes I’d say it is.”

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich though disagrees with both Conervor and Mueller and argues that there is essentially something wrong if we are either so consumed by our technology that we can't even muster the common hostility to punch, stab and shoot one another anymore.

“I hold all life sacred, but we have to look deeper into this report,” said Gingrich. “What does it mean for us as a country, for our future if we are becoming less violent towards one another? What does that mean for our competitive edge, for our ability to wage war? It is clear that we need a change in this country.”

Tebow Wins New Hampshire Primary In Most Shocking Victory Yet

Denver Bronco Quarterback Tim Tebow
Pulled off another shocking victory Tuesday.

CONCORD, NH – In what amounts to his most stunning performance and comeback to date, Gallup International is projecting that Denver Bronco Quarterback Tim Tebow will win the New Hampshire primary - and that former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, the frontrunner for the GOP nomination who has a summer home in New Hampshire, has defeated Texas Representaive Ron Paul in the battle for second place.

The projections are based on exit polls and early voting returns. Tebow's victory was announced just after the polls closed in the Granite State at 8:00 p.m. Eastern time.

While the 23 year old athlete cannot actually be president this fact did not seem to sway voters. Nearly half of  those who voted in today's Granite State Republican primary decided who to support in the last few days, according to early exit polls.

Nineteen percent of voters said they made their choice just today, and another 27 percent said they decided in the last few days. Fifty-three percent said they made up their minds on Sunday afternoon when the young quarterback completed a touchdown pass in overtime to seal a victory against the Pittsburgh Steelers. While New Hampshire is squarely in New England Patriots country, the team Denver plays in the NFL playoffs Saturday evening, and the voters of the state are notoriously independent and rebellious.

Reached in Denver, Tebow gave thanks to the people of New Hampshire, “First I want to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, then I guess I can only say wow that is completely unexpected and I thank the people of the great state of New Hampshire for being fans and for their support.”

Tebow went on to say that he hoped the voters would still be in his and his team’s corner when they play Saturday night. “My team and I have a tough test Saturday, the Patriots are three times Superbowl champions and we need all the fans behind us,” said Tebow.

Only 12 delegates were at stake in New Hampshire, but its status as the first-in-the-nation primary gives the state outsize importance in the nominating process. Candidates that exceed expectations often receive a boost in fundraising and momentum, while those that come in below expectations can take a hit that can drive them out of the race.

Romney’s second place finish clearly cements him as the front runner for the nomination but with both the NFL playoffs and the Florida primary looming experts feel Tebow can clearly impact the race and shift voter’s one direction even if he cannot legally be the Republican candidate.

Sportsbook: Week 4

Today’s Online Sportsbook Betting is sponsored by Southside Lou: the ultimate source for hardcore Sportsbook gamblers.

Cheese Chasing - Cheese chasing is an event whereby members of an English village called Brockworth in Gloucestershire, send a good-sized cheese down a steep hill whereupon all the cheese-chasing contestants chase after it before it falls flat and becomes out of play.

Week 4 odds for highest number of cheese captures:

Eder – 3/1 (Leads Gruber by 1 cheese despite a strong showing from Gruber)
Gruber – 3/1 (Redeemed himself after last week’s crotch incident)
Lechner – 4/1 (Strong showing, tied with Gruber, started taunting Eder & Gruber)
Goossens – 7/1 (Continues to race shirtless & appears to be shaving his chest now)
Poulsen – 15/1 (Inhaler appeared to help. Captured 2 cheeses and smiled for the first time)
Hristov – 30/1 (Did not capture a cheese, appears to have not bathed either)
O’Brien – 35/1 (Appears to have worn tight volleyball shorts. Older ladies took notice)
Smith – 45/1 (Continues to wear cycling shorts. O’Brien taunts him about his size)
Clarke – 65/1 (Grabbed his first cheese without his wheelchair. Not sure how but he did)
Lynch – 80/1 (Very little effort in chasing, continues to eat a lot. No wagers on him)

Wife Carrying – Contestants in Finland have the great honor of holding the annual Wife Carrying World Championships. Participants simply grab a hold of their significant other and carry her (or him) to the finish line faster than the other competitors.

League games are hosted in the small town of Sonkajärvi in upper Savo, in the eastern part of Finland. The rules say nothing at all about the weight of the wife, only that she can be yours as well as somebody else's.

Week 4 odds for winning the race:

Korhonen – 3/1 (Lost to Neiminen by 3 seconds. Wives made implants accusations)
Neiminen – 3/1 (Intestinal cleanse appeared to help, wife wore silk robe)
Laine – 6/1 (Continues to stay in 3^rd. Wife wore see through shirt with no bra)
Saarinen – 10/1 (New technique of over the shoulder works. Had another good showing)
Koskinen – 15/1 (Wife still not wearing a bra. Husband having a hard time concentrating)
Niemi – 15/1 (Strong race. Wife taunted young Koskinen bride about her small breasts)
Heikkila – 25/1 (Husband carried wife again. Wife used the riding crop during race)
Salonen – 45/1 (Wife seen drinking before the race and then vomiting after)
Rantanen – 60/1 (Did not improve on finish or time. Rumors about divorce swirling)

Ask Uncle Mike: Chicken Boning Is Awesome

Dear Uncle Mike:
I don't really know how to say this, so I'm just going to come out and say it: I'm sexually attracted to chickens. There. It's out. I said it. I love chickens. I love eating chickens. I love frying chickens. I love the taste of chickens. I love the way a chicken's feathers feels against my skin. I love the way I can rub a chicken's leg and it stays hard and scaly. I think chicken's are good plain, herb crusted, baked, with rice, with corn on the cob, on pizza, and in sandwiches. In short, Uncle Mike, I really love chickens. However, for me to be intimate with someone, I find that I can't get myself aroused unless my partner actually smells like chicken. In fact, the best sex I ever had in my life was when I banged the hot chick who was wearing a chicken costume to protest Chick-Fil-A in the bathroom of the Chick-Fil-A. She was a chicken, you could smell the chicken... that was hot. Is there something wrong with me, Uncle Mike? Is it wrong to be aroused by chickens? What should I do about this? Please help me! ~ Desperately Seeking Chicken

Woman Upset With Judge Judy Attacks Elder God With Hammer

"Judge" Judy Sheindlin had no comment on
Elder God abuse case.

DUNWICH, MA - A 62-year-old woman was arrested Sunday morning after she hit a millions-year-old elder god on the head with a hammer, police say.

Lavinia Whateley, of Dunwich was arrested on a charge of aggravated battery using a deadly weapon.

Dunwich Police responded to the defendant's house around 11:30 a.m. Sunday after dispatchers received a call of a domestic disturbance.

When police arrived, they interviewed the alleged victim - who is referred to as Cthulhu in the probable cause affidavit - while he held bloody paper towels on his head. 


The victim told police he was watching "Judge Judy" on television while sitting on his recliner, when Whateley got "upset with Judge Judy," the affidavit says.

Whateley then hit him in the head with a hammer and the victim received a "large cut" to his head and several facial tentacles. He was treated at the scene by Miskatonic County Fire Rescue crews.


Whateley told police she was upset because Judge Judy was on television. She became "mad" and then hit the victim on the head with the hammer. He also began screaming about a neighbor devouring at least two farms, and two entire families and wondering when Cthulhu would begin terrorizing the world in a similar way, the affidavit says.

Police said Whateley could not hold a conversation with them during the investigation. Whateley is being held in the Miskatonic County Jail without bond.

Traumatic Injury to Hand Model Has Many Talking Reform

Bill Reilly hopes that his work as a hand model won't be
too affected by this injury. 

CHICAGO, IL - Bill Reilly, a famous hand model that you have seen in many fast food commercials delivering fries, pizza, burgers, and the occasional chocolate milkshake to customers was taken to the hospital after suffering a traumatic injury while on set this evening.

"We were constantly cooking fries for a new commercial and apparently there was just too much hot grease on the floor, the cabinets, and just the air in general if you think about it," said. producer Jane Shandin, who was in charge of the fast food commercial production. "Poor Bill went to do his job and ended up sticking his good hand in a vat of hot fat."

Bill ended up with several huge burns and blisters. Because the burns and blisters were on his good modeling hand, the only thing that anyone heard when they tried to get a statement from him was pathetic weeping. He did release a statement from the hospital though, indicating that he hoped that he could return soon and not be too affected by this.

Producers are looking at making changes to the way they present greasy fries on camera now, including the possibility of rubbing vaseline on model hands, adding more salt to reduce the slipperiness of the environment, or possibly just cooking with more oil and grease fat to cushion a burn or a possible fall.

"We really are just looking at protecting our actors while showing the quality products to our customers," said Shandin. "I guess if that means we need to add some more fat to foods so people have to get new stents 15 years earlier, then so be it. We don't need more traumatic injuries like this."

Doctors expect Reilly to be out at least 4 weeks after the date his largest blister finally pops.

Wasabi Overdose Causes Involuntary Bowel Movement

Jacob Myers seen just before he shit himself.

TACOMA, WA - In the end, it was probably just for the best. The date wasn't going well, the sushi hadn't been so good, and he wasn't that attracted to the girl.

However, how the date ended is not exactly how it was supposed to end. "Yeah..." admits Jacob Myers, "I sort of shit myself."

You see, in order to eat the quantities of bad sushi that he was forcing into his mouth so he didn't have to talk to Namoi Barkley, his blind date for the evening, he had to eat more wasabi than most people eat in a couple years. "It wasn't so bad after awhile," said Myers, "but that was before I started feeling my stomach churning. When the pain started around my testicles, I knew I was in trouble."

"At first I just thought he really liked sushi," said Barkley. "But then this aroma started permeating around him. At first I thought it was just some homeless guy outside I was smelling, but then I realized it was oozing from Jacob. And then, before he could really do anything about it, there was this strange popping sound and then a liquid brown substance started trickling down his pant leg."

"It was a terrible smell in the end," finished Barkley. "I decided to just ask for the check instead."

Myers tells us that when he got home, it took him three hours to clean himself up. "It was just a terrible, terrible experience," he said. "And the worst part is that they charged me $80 for the chair because they couldn't get the shit stain out of it."

There are no plans for a second date.