Woman Sues Curves & Opens a “Boney Bitches” Gym

DAYTON, OH – Health clubs across the country are full with new members looking to follow through on their New Year’s resolutions. For one Dayton woman, however, her fitness resolution did not include low self-esteem and being outcast. 

 “I was very excited when I joined Curves because the gym is designated just for women,” said Jennifer Young. “I got tired of 24 Hour because the guys act like assholes and they are bothered by a woman who is fit and works-out like them.” 

 Young, unfortunately, found her Curves experience to be worse than 24 Hour. “Everyone knows that women can be catty and vicious but this went too far.”

A few weeks into her Curves membership, other members of the gym began to mock and harass Young about her low body fat content and lack of a womanly shape. “I was in better shape than all of them and they openly mocked me for not having any curves. There’s a reason I have really small breasts, it’s because I have very little body fat and I’m okay with that. Well, the size 16 women who wear tight yoga pants didn’t like it and so they decided to make my life miserable.”

Young filed a harassment complaint with the gym and she was told they would look into it but nothing ever came of it. “The comments of ‘Anorexic Annie’, ‘Boney Bitch’, and ‘Third World Skinny Ho’ kept coming and I just finally had enough.”

Angry at her local gym, Young filed a complaint with Curves’ corporate office and has even hired an attorney. As she waits for the legal process to get started, Young has decided to open her own gym after obtaining a small business loan. “I aim to pull in women who have been ostracized by Curves just like me. Those cows don’t have the right to be bitchy just because I have a high metabolism.” 

Young’s goal is to find commercial property near her local Curves gym as a reminder that they messed with the wrong person. And the name of her gym? “Boney Bitches Gym,” she replied with a sly smile. The Curves Corporate Office declined an interview for this story.

Pat Sajack Called "A Pansy" By Other Game Show Hosts

"Wheel Of Fortune" host Pat Sajack

BURBANK, CA –“Pat Sajack is a pansy,” announced retired game show host Bob Ewbanks said today of fellow  host and program emcee Pat Sajack after  yesterday’s personal revelation by Sajack that he had letter turner Vanna White often were drunk while “Wheel of Fortune” was being filmed.

Sajack admitted to the drinking while appearing on the radio program Dan Le Batard Is Highly Questionable yesterday. “OHHH, so he and Vanna would go drink margaritas during dinner, phee anyone can get drunk” said Ewbanks. “Now, I would often do a line or twelve right off the wives butts while we we’re filming, that takes talent!”

Ewbanks gained fame hosting “The Newlywed Game” on ABC and in syndication for almost 45 years.


Ewbanks is not alone in his dismissal of Sajack’s admission and how it was lacking in panache.


“I was on television for 15 years with Paul Lynde, George Gobbels , Wayland Flowers and Madame and Florence Henderson,” said Peter Marshall, retired host of “The Hollywood Squares”. “Good Lord I don’t know if there was ever a moment when we were sober while shooting, frankly by 1973 our show was like a key party between takes.”

Both hosts say that while some people might find Sajack’s admission somewhat startling, even unprofessional they added that the shooting of a game show is, “boring, painful, repetitive, frustrating, and often times makes one despair for the future of the human race,” in Marshall’s words.

“You can’t do game shows without really wanting to hit the bottle, hang yourself or find alternatives that really expand your horizons,” said Ewbanks. “That’s why I worked with Merle Haggard and Dolly Parton when we weren’t filming. Let me tell you, those two really expanded some horizons.”

Tokyo Sees High Monster Probability, Scientists Warn

Are devastating monster attacks coming to Tokyo 

TOKYO – The city faces the possibility of being attacked by giant Kaiju (Strange Creaures) within the next four years, according to Japanese researchers.

The University of Tokyo's Kaiju Research Institute predicts there is a 70% probability that the capital's metropolitan area will attacked within four years and a 98% probability within the next 30 years.

Researchers say that they believe that the Kaiju will rise from the pacific because they were released because of an earthquake.

Nearly one year ago, a magnitude 9.0 quake struck off Japan's central Pacific coast, triggering a devastating tsunami and aftershocks that left more than 15,700 dead, according to a government report in December on Japan's recovery from the catastrophe. Nearly 700 aftershocks registering magnitude 5 or greater followed last year's quake, the government report said.

The March 11 earthquake -- dubbed "Tohoku" after the region in which it occurred -- also damaged the Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear power station, where three reactors experienced full meltdowns, creating a nuclear crisis for a country already grappling with disaster.

Researchers say that this also adds to the certainty of attack because the Kaiju absorb radiation rather than feed on plants or other animals as known animals do.

The research institute cited for its findings the Ishirō Honda Law, which states that an increase in the number of larger earthquakes leads to fissures in the mantle releasing the beasts that live in the great depths.

The institute has concluded that the quake ruptured a fault area nearly 500 kilometers in length and 200 kilometers wide offshore and has created a trench of unknown depths where they are receiving ultra-low frequency and extremely powerful underwater sounds from an unknown source, a significant increase compared with the extremely low rate in the 65 years prior, the researchers said.

Sportsbook: Final Standings

Today’s Online Sportsbook Betting is sponsored by Southside Lou: the ultimate source for hardcore Sportsbook gamblers.

Cheese Chasing - Cheese chasing is an event whereby members of an English village called Brockworth in Gloucestershire, send a good-sized cheese down a steep hill whereupon all the cheese-chasing contestants chase after it before it falls flat and becomes out of play.

Final standings:

Gruber – 1^st (Won the league by 1 cheese; taunted Eder by making suckling sounds)
Eder – 2^nd (Lost to Gruber by 1 cheese; plans on filing sexual harassment complaint)
Lechner – 3^rd (Challenged Goossens to drinking contest)
Goossens – 4^th (Wearing a thong didn’t help, not even with the ladies)
Poulsen – 5^th (Inhaler helped a lot; taunted by Gruber via suckling sounds)
Hristov – 6^th (Lack of hygiene by have disqualified him for next year)
Smith – 7^th (Beat O’Brien by 1 cheese and taunted by gyrating in his cycling shorts)
O’Brien – 8^th (Regressed all season, may have to compete in time trials next year)
Clarke – 9^th (Grabbed 3 cheeses all season; Gruber taunted him doing the worm)
Lynch – 10^th (Drinking and eating caused him to lose a spot in next years league)

Wife Carrying – Contestants in Finland have the great honor of holding the annual Wife Carrying World Championships. Participants simply grab a hold of their significant other and carry her (or him) to the finish line faster than the other competitors.

League games are hosted in the small town of Sonkajärvi in upper Savo, in the eastern part of Finland. The rules say nothing at all about the weight of the wife, only that she can be yours as well as somebody else's.

Final standings:

Korhonen – 1st (Beat Neiminen in a tight race. Wives found kissing each other after race)
Neiminen – 2nd (Strong race, husband suspected of steroid use and rage)
Laine – 4th (Disappeared into a small patch of the woods during the race)
Saarinen – 3rd (Strong finish; clearly disgusted seeing the Korhonen/Neiminen spectacle)
Niemi – 5th (Strong race. Wife accused young Koskinen bride of being a prostitute)
Koskinen – 6th (Wife wore see through lingerie and was oblivious to the Niemi taunts)
Heikkila – 7th (Have appeared to join a BDSM occult and finished the season strong)
Salonen – 8th (Husband and wife seen drinking during the race. Disqualified by judges)
Rantanen – 9th (Husband showed up with a friend, 40+ years older, but did not race)

Tennessee Mayor Loves Cthuthlu

Possible version of statue to be located in Mt. Juliet, Tennesee

MT. JULIET, TN - A massive American flag atop a cell phone tower greets visitors to this most southern of southern towns. This pleases the heck out of Mayor Ed Hagerty, who is a big believer of pointless symbolism, so now he is hoping for a massive, statue of Cthuthlu nearby to complement it.

Right now, it’s just his personal wish, but he said “God and country” would be a very positive image for Mt. Juliet to project.

“You go by a lot of big shopping areas, and you don’t see that,” he said. “You see only commerce.

“I don’t think that’s what the people of Mt. Juliet are. I want to maximize commerce, frankly other then death camps I think Cthuthlu would agree few things are as important.”

Hagerty shared the idea at a state of the city address before the Mt. Juliet West Wilson County Chamber of Commerce Jan. 18.

He said he the ancient ones are coming soon to reclaim their world and that this might save the city. “He sleeps now, but he will soon awaken and claim this world.” Said Hagerty

Chamber members were uncertain about the mayor’s plan to incorporate his faith into plans for the city.

“I like that he’s not afraid to speak about his faith,” said Darlene Kemp, who works in Mt. Juliet. “However, I’m not real clear on who his God is.”

Andy Hale, pastor of First Baptist Church Mt. Juliet, said he appreciated the mayor’s desire for Mt. Juliet to be saved during an apocalyptic event, but he said leading people to Christian lives was more important than any symbol.

And, while no one else in town embraces Cthulhu, Hale said it’s appropriate for an elected leader to act on his faith.

“I believe we have every freedom and right in this country to express who we are and lead in who they are,” Hale said. “If how they’re leading is in line with what the people desire, that’s a great thing.”

The proposal isn’t the first by a city official to touch on religious themes. In August, the Board of Commissioners passed a resolution supporting the state of Israel that quoted Genesis.

Commissioner Jim Bradshaw was the lone vote against that measure and said he was surprised by the mayor’s proposal for a statue of an amoral Elder God.

“We’ve got enough work to do ourselves,” he said. “We need to stick to city government. If somebody wants to build a high-rise statue, that’s up to them.”

Justin Patel, owner of the Holiday Inn Express & Suites in Mt. Juliet, said he was pleased to see the mayor thinking outside the box.

“I have no idea what a Cthulhu is,” he said. “But hey maybe a giant statue would bring tourists to town so that would be great.”

Santorum Needs You To CUM

Republican candidate Rick Santorum remains
shocked and shackled by internet vulgarities

VERONA, PA – Campaign staff and advisors for Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum admitted tonight that they are now actively “trolling” political junkies and those who follow pop culture with the creation of the Conservatives Unite Moneybomb (CUM) page.

“Look we know Rick is going to lose, this is a job and not a very good one,” said Campaign Manager Mike Biundo. “It’s not that I don’t like and respect Rick but, really this is an impossible fight so why not have some fun with it?”

Biundo said that when your strategy is always predicated on having as few voters as possible know what Santorum is in the popular vernacular then there is no way of winning.

“I took this job knowing it had and end point and that wasn’t going to be the Whitehouse Chief of Staff position,” said Biundo. "Dan Savage basically destroyed any chance Rick had years ago but in this economy one has to do what one can."

While Biundo admits that the new page is a basically a play off the popular meaning of Santorum Senior Advisor and Media Consultant John Brabender does not, or is possibly as unaware as the candidate himself of popular culture.

“It is a legitimate site, I cannot fathom why so many of you seem to think that it isn’t,” said Brabender. “As for your other questions, well I will not stop and involve myself in pornographic homosexual culture and I am certain the voters will not either.”

The intent of the site according to Brabender is to raise a million dollars in campaign funding, Biundo says if that happens he will start drinking peach Nehi again.

Toilet Salespeople Applaud Taco Bell's New Breakfast Menu

Now that Taco Bell will be serving breakfast,
toilet sales are expected to soar dramatically.

ORANGE COUNTY, CA - Toilet sales are expected to dramatically soar in the coming months thanks to a new addition to the diet of many Americans.

Taco Bell, long famous for providing quality diarrhea at cheap prices, announced today that they will soon be rolling out what they call their "First Meal" menu. All breakfast items, you will be able to get breakfast burritos filled with low quality ingredients that will make you go and sit on the toilet until lunch time, when you can once again then go to Taco Bell for another quality meal.

Taco Bell CEO Greg Creed says he expects good things with the addition to the menu. "Not only are we likely to see a big increase in profits thanks to our 7% royalty on every toilet purchased in the United States, but we expect a boost in revenues from our restaurants too with our strategic partnerships with Cinnabon, Johnsonville, and Kmart," said Creed. "Pretty soon you'll be able to walk into a men's room and know by the quality sounds emanating from a stall whether or not we've had a repeat customer."

Creed says they are even thinking about adding some unique items to the First Meal menu. "Other chains have been successful with fruit and yogurt items, so we plan on test marketing a fruit and yogurt taco, an oatmeal crisp burrito, and maybe a few other surprises as well," said Creed. "Ultimately our goal is to get the general American to associate good toilet time, which allows one to catch up on news, sports, and other critical information, with a tummy fill-up at Taco Bell."

Most of the items will be priced below $5. "We're not trying to compete with Chipotle or Qdoba," said Creed. "We don't need to. We have our own customers who love the feeling of our food sliding down their throats and into their large intestines, and then the feeling of cold porcelain on their heiney as they pee out our food from their anus."

Carl Rivers, a toilet salesman in Los Angeles, CA, says he can't wait for the new menu to debut. "I might actually be able to put my kids through college, buy a new car, and catch up on my mortgage after First Menu goes live," said Rivers, licking his lips at the thought. "Everyone is going to need a new toilet in their homes after this. Businesses are going to need to install new toilets to accommodate Taco Bell consumers you commute back and forth."

Rivers smiled. "It's like I've hit the lottery. God bless Taco Bell and the US consumer."

Are you going to partake in Taco Bell's First Menu products when it hits a store near you? Vote in our poll and express your thoughts today!

Strange Noises In Sky Apparently An Iowa Man's Snoring

Albert Givens snoring has been noticed globally

ALTOONA, IA – Strange noises that have reportedly been heard globally have been pin pointed to originate in a bedroom on Ross Street in the northwest section of town.

Residents in Budapest, Hungary and Conklin, Canada claimed to have heard noises resembling "loud snorings" in the wee hours of Jan 11 and Jan 12, triggering speculations and apocalyptic theories among the fascinated.

Working together the European Space Agency, United States Air Force, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and the Malaysian National Science Ministry triangulated various noise waves that appeared in several countries lower than the standard radio frequencies.

Originally it was thought that the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program (HAARP) program, an ionospheric research program based in Gakona, Alaska in the United States could be the source but as the Air Force and RCMP got closer they found the frequency isolated to Altoona and finally Albert Givens’ home on Ross Street.

Major General David Clowes and State Department Attaché to Malaysia Linda Parks approached Given yesterday regarding their concerns and officially state that the state department would pay for a sleep study and any and all necessary surgery to repair Givens’ deviated septum. Givens also will be treated for narcolepsy

“I knew I snored, my wife Connie finally moved out just so she could get some sleep, or at least she said she did,” said Givens. “And I’m not getting on too well with the neighbors; still this comes as quite a shock that I was affecting people in Canada and Malaysia, damn is that amazing.”

"This incident is no laughing matter," said Deputy Minister Datuk Fadillah Yusuf of the Ministry, “Beyond just the superstitions of the average person there are serious national and international peace and diplomatic concerns, we are glad the U.S and Canada took this so seriously."

The Pummelo Arts: Conversations With Death Part Two

"Your life on earth," Death asked, "What would you compare it to?

“A dark closet. I lived in fear so much of my life, from family, from God, from everyone, always ashamed.”

 “My father was a Pentecostal minister; we grew up in the aisles of busses and under the canvas of tents. We toured the country, at least Michigan and the Great Lakes states, as part of a revival.”

“He was fire and brimstone and hell bent on never spoiling the child.”

“I hated and loved him, but when I was 14 and found myself looking at other boys, wondering and eventually kissing one, I knew that marked me for hell so I ran away to Atlantic City.”

“I might have been better off staying and having my feelings being beaten out of me, it was harsh there and I was used.”

“Eventually I found a way to Baltimore for some reason, and my Uncle Lewis’s house. He never got along with my father, Uncle Lew was a siding salesman and he traveled but he also liked women and cards, so he and father were obviously opposed.”

“It was, ok for a while, Uncle Lew was good to me and gave me a place from 16 to 19, but then he was killed in a car accident.”

“He had set aside money for me to go to school, so I went to Columbia College, but it wasn’t, I was afraid, this was 1973 and no one I knew was gay and certainly not there, I’m not sure I remember anyone saying gay then, I felt dirty and foul and unworthy of the light of God any way.”

I struggled and eventually dropped out, I took a job at a drug store, and that was the first of many, I didn’t like life. I found myself eventually in Florida and then the Keys, strange I started working with sailboats, I apparently had a knack for it.”

“Eventually my sister found me, I don’t know how, I didn’t spend much time around people, in bars just work and back to my little hurricane house.”

“She told me how my father never even mentioned me after I ran away, which seemed like what he would do. She had left my father’s church too, she had followed a similar road as I and worse, she died from what I eventually learned was AIDS.”

"That was terrible, we loved each other. I notified my family but never heard from them."

“I lost everything when Andrew came through, and I guess that’s how you found me, I couldn’t try anymore after that, some might say it was a coward’s way out but I couldn’t take being in that dark closet alone anymore.”

Pummelo News Brief: 1/22/12