|Is a skilled killer hiding behind pastry?|
Friday, February 3, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
After a series of these odd conditions, Rita decided to visit her doctor but when his tests came up inconclusive, she was referred to a specialist who told her that she has life-threatening anxiety. The specialist diagnosed her with Addison's disease, a condition where her adrenal glands don't produce enough hormones. While Ms. Lee was treated with corisol replacement therapy, she was told stop her preferred leisure activity or she could have an Addisonian crisis, a medical emergency that can be life threatening. Rita, however, dismisses the theory and has no intention on giving up her life's passion. "I'll just start walking more and keeping a closer eye on my calories but there's no way in hell I'm giving up my show. I figure if I'm gonna die then I'm gonna do it wearing my sweats, eating my seven layer dip, drinking my Diet Pepsi, and watching the best show ever made."
|Gisele is concerned about her man. Specifically,|
her man's hair. Photo: Tiago Chedek
Gisele is no exception. She is concerned about her man, Tom Brady, quarterback of the New England Patriots. In fact, she's so concerned that she even called an exclusive press conference Thursday morning. "I'm just concerned about my man," Gisele said. "I want to make sure that he comes out of the Super Bowl ok."
While many families want their man to come home with all their limbs attached properly, Gisele is asking for prayers for Brady for a different reason. "I really just want to ask the American public for prayer over the weekend and through the game on Sunday that nothing happens to his hair. It would devastate me."
Gisele says that she would probably have to divorce Brady if something dramatic happened to his hair. "He's a trophy husband, the perfect extra bank account, and gives me the right amount of added fame," said Gisele. "If his hair gets ruined, then all of that gets ruined until he can play football again and let's be honest - he's getting old."
"With great hair, Tom can continue with a number of endorsement deals and fashion modeling after he retires from the game," continued Gisele. "He needs that to be able to stay relevant and I need that because I don't want to be married to an ESPN analyst."
Gisele says that she would prefer that your prayers be directed while you are shampooing in the shower. "When you shampoo, you become closer to God, so your prayers are heard better," Gisele explained. "If you could do that for me, I would love you forever - just not in a sexual way. Like in my heart kind of way."
"But if something happens to Tom's hair this Sunday," Gisele warned, "I will hunt down every last one of you who didn't offer a shampoo prayer and stab you in the eye one night."
We already said our prayers, Gisele. Already done, girl.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
|A Hazard County Sheriff;s Chevy Traverse|
The woman jumped into the car about 7:15 p.m. near the Sheriffs Office’s perimeter near the intersection of County Road 189 and Hogg Boulevard, where deputies were staged during a standoff.
It was uncertain if the alleged theft of the sheriff’s Chevy Traverse was related to the standoff, county spokeswoman Lulu Hogg said.
Deputies tracked the vehicle and found it about 7:30 p.m. near the intersection of Chickasaw County road and Georgia State Highway 11
She is described as a tanned Caucasian woman about 5 feet 9 inches tall. She wore cut off denim shorts and a loose fitting man’s work shirt.
Deputies have video images of the woman and investigators believe they know who she is, Hogg said.
The standoff began about 10 a.m. Tuesday when deputies responded to a report of an illegal distillery operation.
A 67-year-old man barricaded himself inside a home and an HCSOSWAT team was called to the scene, Hogg said.
He kept deputies at bay for several hours before his nephews arrived with proof there was no still operation. Both Sheriff Rosco Coltrane and County Administrator Jefferson Davis "J.D." Hogg apologized to the unidentified man and his nephews.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Like all citizens, The Pummelo takes National Security very serious and to do our part, we are searching the country for trends in violence and terrorism so that all of us remain informed and alert. Here are the violators from the past week:
IOWA – Local law enforcement is assisting the University Police Department in the investigation of an ongoing vandalism spree. According to University officials, an unknown person is removing his or her pants and underwear and creating butt prints by sitting and wiggling on car windshields. The investigation is ongoing.
SOUTH DAKOTA – Witnesses reported to a local Sherriff’s Department that a GMC pickup had rolled over near Highway 10. Upon investigation, the truck rolled over, landed on its wheels, and the driver left the scene in it. The Sherriff’s Department was able to determine who the driver was and he was arrested for reckless driving and failure to report an accident.
KENTUCKY – Over fifteen citizens reported of unusual lights in on the outskirts of their town. Police immediately dispatched to the scene but found the source of the unusual lights to be the lights on the patrol car of the County Sherriff who was issuing a traffic citation nearby. No charges were filed against the County Sherriff.
ALABAMA – A 30-year-old severely obese man was reportedly riding a bicycle in the middle of the road naked. Upon investigation, the man was riding to recreation center to swim and was wearing a “banana hammock” swimsuit. Officers on the scene reported that the swimsuit could not be seen because of the man’s excess weight.
PENNSYLVANIA – Local police were dispatched to a bank robbery in progress. Upon their arrival, they found the bank manager performing CPR to an unknown male. Further investigation revealed that the unidentified male entered the bank with a gun and demanded money with a plastic bag over his head. The bank robber ended up blacking out due to a lack of oxygen while the police officials were in route to the bank.
MISSOURI – A local police department received a call from a man in his 50’s who needed to file a missing persons report. After asking the man some routine questions, the department discovered that the man’s wife had gone missing 12 months ago.
NEW JERSEY – A local patrol care was dispatched to a quiet neighborhood after several residents heard an elderly woman standing on her porch yelling, “Help.” Upon their arrival, the officers learned that the woman was calling out for her cat, whose name was “Help.”
Monday, January 30, 2012
|Boykin won't be judged by the evil pagans.|
Photo: US Army
"Even though this is a prayer breakfast and we are going to be praising the name of Jesus throughout it, it is simply inappropriate to be as radically Christian as General Boykin," said ACLU representative Clyde Johnson. "I mean the man has literally said that the greatest threat America faces is Islam. That's ridiculous."
And why is that ridiculous? "We all know that the greatest threat to America is the threat to the separation of Church and State," said Johnson. "We can't have out government praying for things, God forbid."
Boykin has been known for preaching in evangelical churches now that he is retired and has made statements regarding the threat of sharia law being implemented in the United States. He is also known for allegedly spitting at Islamic temples with the window down in his vehicle and allegedly making yellow puddles in the snow outside the homes of known practicers of that faith, but Boykin's has called those accusations "ludicrous" and "spun from those who love Satan more than they love Jesus, God, and America."
In fact, the retired General is so reviled that several veterans groups have requested that he not be able to pray at the prayer breakfast. "The fact that such an outspoken Christian would pray in Jesus' name in a prayer is completely revolting," said VoteVets.org in a written statement. "At the very least it makes the rest of us who don't pray very often and grovel to win the lottery when do very, very bad. We can't have that - we need an even playing field with our prayers."
Boykin, for his part, has stayed pretty mum on the issue. "I just do my thing. It's up to God to judge, not any of you pagan loving extremists."
The prayer breakfast is currently scheduled for February 8th, assuming the rapture doesn't come by then.
|Legendary assassin Luc Flaubert and friends|
|The manticore of Western Colorado|
|Newt vows his new Occupy GOP campaign will|
guarantee him the White House.
Photo: Gage Skidmore
"Just like I pulled out of my first two wives to enter the land of beauty on my third try, so it will be in Florida as I come in from behind and thrust into the lead," Gingrich told a select group of reporters this morning. "Our new Occupy GOP campaign is going to work - of this I'm completely sure."
Announced late last week, Gingrich has vowed that he will be occupying the Republican Party all the way to the White House and the next Presidency. Gingrich plans sit ins, blockages, and whatever else it takes in order to rip the United States out of the hands of the evil, evil Democrats.
"We all know that all these social programs for the poor are destroying our country!" Gingrich said emphatically. "Occupy GOP is about bringing back the social programs to where they truly belong - the 1%!"
There was a slight pause, then Gingrich said added, "It's what Ronald Reagan would have wanted," as dramatically as he could.
Gingrich seems to having some sway with voters, as he has boosted almost 20 points in the polls and over 80% of Tea Party affiliates believe that Gingrich would be the best candidate to represent their position. That makes Gingrich chuckle. "Well of course I'm the best candidate," he told us. "I'm not a psycho Mormon."
If Occupy GOP is going to be effective, the results in Florida will prove it. If not, expect a psycho Mormon to fight for the White House later this year.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Signifying nothing.’ Did you know Shakespeare, was he afraid of you? Did he hate you as I do?”