Donut Hitman Alleged To Have Killed Weatherman On Groundhog Day

Is a skilled killer hiding behind pastry?

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – A fugitive alert from the Pennsylvania State Police for Luc Flaubert remains in effect today even though the famed hit man has thus far avoided capture, or actually being seen..

Flaubert is currently wanted for the killing of Pittsburgh WPBH-TV lead weatherman Phil Connors yesterday. Connors was in Punxsutawney to do a report on Groundhog Day.

Both state and local law enforcement authorities now believe that the information they had received regarding Flaubert’s original contract on the world famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil was incorrect and that apparently Connors was the target all along.

“Our information is that Connors was not well liked,” said Pennsylvania State Police investigator Erin Colby. “Apparently he was a bit of a philanderer and had made a lot of enemies with his arrogance and nasty behavior”

Longtime friend of Connors Ned Ryerson says that these are unfounded rumors and that he cannot imagine why anyone would kill his friend. “Phil was a great person, a great person and these people have no idea, thank God he had life insurance, do you have life insurance; because if you do, you could always use a little more, right?”

Colby says they know that Flaubert was the shooter in this case because forensics pinpointed the hillside where the shot was taken from and on the hillside the found two empty boxes of Dunkin Donuts, with Flaubert’s finger prints.

FBI Special Agent in Charge George C. Venizelos of the Pennsylvania office said that this  they believe Flaubert has already gone underground but that they are concerned because this is not quite as a high profile case as is historically Flaubert’s specialty.

“It isn’t that unusual for paid assassins to change target types, and with the economy and his driving need for pastry perhaps Flaubert just needed a job,” said Venizelos.

“I was positive Wednesday we would get him,” said Colby. “Now, I want to think that but its obvious the man’s image as a creme brulee addict masks his skill.”

Woman’s TV-Induced Anxiety Could Kill Her

ELGIN, IL - Rita Lee doesn't consider herself a television addict or even a reality TV junkie but there are certain shows that she will not miss. "Yeah, there is one show I never miss and sometimes I even watch the reruns." Lee, however, has and abnormal passion for the show The Bachelor. "Yeah," Lee laughs, "I get pretty wound up when I watch the show. I've been known to yell, cry, and throw myself on the floor. You'd think I was part of a powerful church sermon." Rita realizes that her behavior is out of the ordinary and that's why she doesn't allow anyone to visit on her special night. "I unplug the phone, lock the doors, and turn out the lights. It's my own personal spiritual hour." Lee's living room spiritual hour antics, however, have left her exhausted, light headed, and with strange heart palpitations.

After a series of these odd conditions, Rita decided to visit her doctor but when his tests came up inconclusive, she was referred to a specialist who told her that she has life-threatening anxiety. The specialist diagnosed her with Addison's disease, a condition where her adrenal glands don't produce enough hormones. While Ms. Lee was treated with corisol replacement therapy, she was told stop her preferred leisure activity or she could have an Addisonian crisis, a medical emergency that can be life threatening. Rita, however, dismisses the theory and has no intention on giving up her life's passion. "I'll just start walking more and keeping a closer eye on my calories but there's no way in hell I'm giving up my show. I figure if I'm gonna die then I'm gonna do it wearing my sweats, eating my seven layer dip, drinking my Diet Pepsi, and watching the best show ever made."

Super Bowl Prayers Requested For Tom Brady's Hair

Gisele is concerned about her man. Specifically,
her man's hair. Photo: Tiago Chedek

INDIANAPOLIS, IN - The Super Bowl is the headlining event of the weekend, that's for sure. The game of gridiron can be a violent game for certain, and many families wish that their husbands and fathers come home safe and without injury.

Gisele is no exception. She is concerned about her man, Tom Brady, quarterback of the New England Patriots. In fact, she's so concerned that she even called an exclusive press conference Thursday morning. "I'm just concerned about my man," Gisele said. "I want to make sure that he comes out of the Super Bowl ok."

While many families want their man to come home with all their limbs attached properly, Gisele is asking for prayers for Brady for a different reason. "I really just want to ask the American public for prayer over the weekend and through the game on Sunday that nothing happens to his hair. It would devastate me."

Gisele says that she would probably have to divorce Brady if something dramatic happened to his hair. "He's a trophy husband, the perfect extra bank account, and gives me the right amount of added fame," said Gisele. "If his hair gets ruined, then all of that gets ruined until he can play football again and let's be honest - he's getting old."

"With great hair, Tom can continue with a number of endorsement deals and fashion modeling after he retires from the game," continued Gisele. "He needs that to be able to stay relevant and I need that because I don't want to be married to an ESPN analyst."

Gisele says that she would prefer that your prayers be directed while you are shampooing in the shower. "When you shampoo, you become closer to God, so your prayers are heard better," Gisele explained. "If you could do that for me, I would love you forever - just not in a sexual way. Like in my heart kind of way."

"But if something happens to Tom's hair this Sunday," Gisele warned, "I will hunt down every last one of you who didn't offer a shampoo prayer and stab you in the eye one night."

We already said our prayers, Gisele. Already done, girl.

Woman Steals Sheriff's Vehicle from SWAT Standoff Scene

A Hazard County Sheriff;s Chevy Traverse

HAZARD, GA. – Sheriff’s Deputies are searching for a brazen 20-year-old woman they say stole a patrol vehicle Tuesday night from a perimeter detail near a stand-off in outside of the Hazard Township.

The woman jumped into the car about 7:15 p.m. near the Sheriffs Office’s perimeter near the intersection of County Road 189 and Hogg Boulevard, where deputies were staged during a standoff.

It was uncertain if the alleged theft of the sheriff’s Chevy Traverse was related to the standoff, county spokeswoman Lulu Hogg said.

The Traverse was empty because the deputy had gotten out of it while participating in the perimeter, Hogg said.

Deputies tracked the vehicle and found it about 7:30 p.m. near the intersection of Chickasaw County road and Georgia State Highway 11

When deputies reached the car, the woman was gone. Deputies are now looking for her.

She is described as a tanned Caucasian woman about 5 feet 9 inches tall. She wore cut off denim shorts and a loose fitting man’s work shirt.

Deputies have video images of the woman and investigators believe they know who she is, Hogg said.

The standoff began about 10 a.m. Tuesday when deputies responded to a report of an illegal distillery operation.

A 67-year-old man barricaded himself inside a home and an HCSOSWAT team was called to the scene, Hogg said.

He kept deputies at bay for several hours before his nephews arrived with proof there was no still operation. Both Sheriff Rosco Coltrane and County Administrator Jefferson Davis "J.D." Hogg apologized to the unidentified man and his nephews.

National Police Blotter

Like all citizens, The Pummelo takes National Security very serious and to do our part, we are searching the country for trends in violence and terrorism so that all of us remain informed and alert. Here are the violators from the past week:

IOWA – Local law enforcement is assisting the University Police Department in the investigation of an ongoing vandalism spree. According to University officials, an unknown person is removing his or her pants and underwear and creating butt prints by sitting and wiggling on car windshields. The investigation is ongoing.

SOUTH DAKOTA – Witnesses reported to a local Sherriff’s Department that a GMC pickup had rolled over near Highway 10. Upon investigation, the truck rolled over, landed on its wheels, and the driver left the scene in it. The Sherriff’s Department was able to determine who the driver was and he was arrested for reckless driving and failure to report an accident.

KENTUCKY – Over fifteen citizens reported of unusual lights in on the outskirts of their town. Police immediately dispatched to the scene but found the source of the unusual lights to be the lights on the patrol car of the County Sherriff who was issuing a traffic citation nearby. No charges were filed against the County Sherriff.

ALABAMA – A 30-year-old severely obese man was reportedly riding a bicycle in the middle of the road naked. Upon investigation, the man was riding to recreation center to swim and was wearing a “banana hammock” swimsuit. Officers on the scene reported that the swimsuit could not be seen because of the man’s excess weight.

PENNSYLVANIA – Local police were dispatched to a bank robbery in progress. Upon their arrival, they found the bank manager performing CPR to an unknown male. Further investigation revealed that the unidentified male entered the bank with a gun and demanded money with a plastic bag over his head. The bank robber ended up blacking out due to a lack of oxygen while the police officials were in route to the bank.

MISSOURI – A local police department received a call from a man in his 50’s who needed to file a missing persons report. After asking the man some routine questions, the department discovered that the man’s wife had gone missing 12 months ago.

NEW JERSEY – A local patrol care was dispatched to a quiet neighborhood after several residents heard an elderly woman standing on her porch yelling, “Help.” Upon their arrival, the officers learned that the woman was calling out for her cat, whose name was “Help.”

Upcoming Prayer Breakfast May Need a Prayer Itself

Boykin won't be judged by the evil pagans.
Photo: US Army

WEST POINT - An upcoming prayer breakfast may need its own prayer thanks to officials at West Point inviting retired Lt. General William Boykin.

"Even though this is a prayer breakfast and we are going to be praising the name of Jesus throughout it, it is simply inappropriate to be as radically Christian as General Boykin," said ACLU representative Clyde Johnson. "I mean the man has literally said that the greatest threat America faces is Islam. That's ridiculous."

And why is that ridiculous? "We all know that the greatest threat to America is the threat to the separation of Church and State," said Johnson. "We can't have out government praying for things, God forbid."

Boykin has been known for preaching in evangelical churches now that he is retired and has made statements regarding the threat of sharia law being implemented in the United States. He is also known for allegedly spitting at Islamic temples with the window down in his vehicle and allegedly making yellow puddles in the snow outside the homes of known practicers of that faith, but Boykin's has called those accusations "ludicrous" and "spun from those who love Satan more than they love Jesus, God, and America."

In fact, the retired General is so reviled that several veterans groups have requested that he not be able to pray at the prayer breakfast. "The fact that such an outspoken Christian would pray in Jesus' name in a prayer is completely revolting," said VoteVets.org in a written statement. "At the very least it makes the rest of us who don't pray very often and grovel to win the lottery when do very, very bad. We can't have that - we need an even playing field with our prayers."

Boykin, for his part, has stayed pretty mum on the issue. "I just do my thing. It's up to God to judge, not any of you pagan loving extremists."

The prayer breakfast is currently scheduled for February 8th, assuming the rapture doesn't come by then.

Donut Hitman Allegedly Aiming For Punxsutawney Phil

Legendary assassin Luc Flaubert and friends

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – Pennsylvania State Police and wildlife officers, Jefferson County Sheriff’s Deputies and Punxsutawney Township Police are all on alert for legendary assassin Luc Flaubert.

Flaubert became famous for offering to take care of Mike "Big Sausage" Roillie for a two dozen doughnuts in Portland, Oregon last year, and for taking competing contracts from both Texas Governor Rick "Jim Dick" Perry former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain before their national campaigns collapsed.

Pennsylvania authorities apparently have received reports that the internationally known killer has been hired by numerous groups invested in both the skiing and apparel industries to kill the world famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil before he can make any determination whether there will be six more weeks of winter or not.

“We know he was in town,” said Pennsylvania State Police investigator Erin Colby. “His reputation precedes itself. So we have been monitoring sales of creme brulee filled donuts in the state and he is here, just not registered where we can find him, but we have all the restaurants that sale his pastry being watched”

Colby said they received the tip that Flaubert had been hired from someone who worked with Old Navy buyers and how there was still a glut of winter clothes in warehouses and retailers hope an extra six weeks of winter will help clear merchandise levels even at clearance prices.

Flaubert has been fairly silent the last few months since escaping the Cayman Islands but FBI Special Agent in Charge George C. Venizelos of the Pennsylvania office said that high profile cases seem to be Flaubert’s specialty.

“We don’t know why, but he seems to want, and only will accept the contracts that garner attention, he is the Kim Kardashian of the assassins league,” said Venizelos.

Security has been tightened around Punxsutawney Phil and his special tree area in the center of Punxsutawney as law enforcement stand watch before Thursday Groundhog Day celebrations.

“I think we’ll get him this time,” said Colby. “Eventually the man’s addiction to creme brulee donuts will be his undoing.”

Fierce Sheep Guarding Manticore Alarming Tourists

The manticore of Western Colorado

SILVERTON, CO — Persian manticores prized for their fierceness are raising concerns they may be a little too tough for the southwest Colorado communities where ranchers are using them.

The mixed breed creatures weigh up to 520 pounds and are especially aggressive toward animals near the sheep they guard. That can include hikers and other backcountry tourists, prompting debate about whether the beasts should be regulated.

Silverton town trustees met last week to discuss manticore conflicts U.S. Forest Service officials, sheepherders and outdoors enthusiasts have also entered the debate over regulations surrounding the use of the creatures.

"We don't need dangerous animals in the backcountry," trustee Karla Safranski said. "It's hard to believe that herd mortality is so high that it warrants these vicious beasts."

Town trustees here have heard from hikers and bicyclists in the Little Molas Lake area who said the creatures intimidate them. They snarl, snap their deadly tails and, according to some reports, chase hikers and kill hikers. A number of ranchers graze sheep, under guard of herders and manticores, on public lands in the summer and fall.

At least two hikers are believed to have been caught and devoured by the creatures

Sheep ranchers are defending the fierce beasts.

Republican state Rep. J. Paul Brown of Ignacio said he's been around sheep for 40 years.

"We cut our loss to predators by 60 to 70 percent when we introduced manticores," Brown said. "Prior to that we have had incidents lost 13 sheep to bears in a single night, and hundreds to gryphons."

Newt Vows His Occupy GOP Campaign Will Work

Newt vows his new Occupy GOP campaign will
guarantee him the White House.
Photo: Gage Skidmore

SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA - Newt Gingrich announced today that it doesn't matter if he is behind in the polls in Florida behind front runner Mitt Romney - he's still going to pull out a huge victory.

"Just like I pulled out of my first two wives to enter the land of beauty on my third try, so it will be in Florida as I come in from behind and thrust into the lead," Gingrich told a select group of reporters this morning. "Our new Occupy GOP campaign is going to work - of this I'm completely sure."

Announced late last week, Gingrich has vowed that he will be occupying the Republican Party all the way to the White House and the next Presidency. Gingrich plans sit ins, blockages, and whatever else it takes in order to rip the United States out of the hands of the evil, evil Democrats.

"We all know that all these social programs for the poor are destroying our country!" Gingrich said emphatically. "Occupy GOP is about bringing back the social programs to where they truly belong - the 1%!"

There was a slight pause, then Gingrich said added, "It's what Ronald Reagan would have wanted," as dramatically as he could.

Gingrich seems to having some sway with voters, as he has boosted almost 20 points in the polls and over 80% of Tea Party affiliates believe that Gingrich would be the best candidate to represent their position. That makes Gingrich chuckle. "Well of course I'm the best candidate," he told us. "I'm not a psycho Mormon."

If Occupy GOP is going to be effective, the results in Florida will prove it. If not, expect a psycho Mormon to fight for the White House later this year.

Pummelo Arts: Conversations with Death: The Theater

"Your life on earth," Death asked, "What would you compare it to?

“I was six, a typhoon destroyed my village. You wandered our streets, alleyways for days”

Death nodded, “yes such is duty after catastrophe.”

“Funny, I spent the years after wanting to trap you, now you ask what I would compare it to.”

Death nodded again

“I, I don’t know, can something be compared to frustration? To rage? I hate you!”

“The caste system for a short while was broken in the storm, 450,000 people walking into your shadow does that.”

“I found a benefactor, became student eventually a doctor”

“I suppose if you are serious I would compare it to theater, dramatic, absurd, revolting, tragedy and comedy.”

“The English playwright wrote ‘Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player. That struts and frets his hour upon the stage. And then is heard no more: it is a tale. Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.’ Did you know Shakespeare, was he afraid of you? Did he hate you as I do?”

“No, no answer there, of course.”

“Yes my life was a theater production. I was a fool and never revealed my true self, I learned the lines and the parts that allowed me to become more than I was, but it is still a part.”

The caste’s have never really disappeared but we’ve tried, more importantly I was able to lie, act, manipulate feeling and fortunes to save lives, keep them from you, you bastard!”

“I was an actor, playing a human, but I was the avatar of Kamakhya and filled with rage and grief towards you, every moment was taken in being opposed to you”

I acted as if other things mattered, they did not, I felt triumph for saving, delaying you conquest another day. But I wore a mask with colleagues, family, patients,”

“I was onstage, playing you, or playing I don’t know? “How do you live doing what you do?”

Death stood and took the man into his/her arms and a wisp escaped.

Death whispered, “I do this so that Earth and its creatures are not poisoned” by arrogance any more than you have, and you were a fine actor, a fine doctor your faith will provide when I take you to where you are expected.”