China Demands Linsanity For Olympic Team Or Will Destroy World Economy

WASHINGTON D.C. – The government of the People's Republic of China issued demands today that NBA star Jeremy Lin of the New York Knicks play for the Chinese national team at the Thirty Fourth Summer Olympiad in London this July and August; and threatened to dump all of the U.S. Treasury Securities they hold and thus causing a run on U.S. debt, effectively causing a worldwide economic crisis.

Chinese Ambassador to the United States Zhang Yesui said that because Lin is clearly of at least Chinese descendant has formally played in China he must play on the Chinese team

“Jeremy Shu-How Lin is clearly the best basketball player in the NBA today,” said Zhang “The question is not his ability but who he must owe allegiance to, his parents have dual citizenship within America and China and he will play for the national team of his ancestor’s birth or the will be consequences”

Lin’s parents do hold dual citizenship between the United States and Taiwan, however the People’s Republic of China does not recognize the sovereignty of Taiwan.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton immediately denied that Lin has any citizenship responsibilities to the Chinese National Team,

“This statement is deeply concerning and we have begun discussions with the diplomatic team from the People’s Republic of China,” said Clinton. “Frankly it is distressing that the ambassador would make such threatening economic statements over basketball.”

Lin did play for the Dongguan Leopards of the Chinese Basketball Association  in September of 2011 during the NBA players lockout but refused to sign a contract with Shanghai Sharks because he had an existing contract with the NBA’s Golden State Warriors. Lin has made no comment yet as to his supposed availability for any team for the London Olympics.

As it currently stands Lin himself could not play for any other nation because he only holds citizenship in the United States.

What’s That Stench? Murder, of Course. (Day 1)

CUBA, NM – Opening arguments were made in the Cuba courtroom in the trial of a woman accusing her husband of trying to murder her on February 5, 2012. Inside the small courtroom, 64-year-old Dorothy Moskowitz accused her husband of 42 years, Joseph Moskowitz, of trying to kill her on Superbowl Sunday through methane gas. When the court asked if she thought Mr. Moskowitz was trying to blow up their house through a gas leak, Dorothy responded, “No, he’s trying to kill me with his butt.” When asked to elaborate on her accusation of attempted murder, Mrs. Moskowitz went into great detail.

“We both agreed that we would fend for ourselves on this Sunday and I knew he was up to something when he got up that morning. He had scrambled eggs with salsa, a couple of sausage biscuits, and a glass of V8. That’s way too much spicy stuff for him, even on Superbowl Sunday,” quoted Dorothy. “For lunch he boiled some eggs and ate two cans of tuna fish on Rye bread. Joe will eat tuna fish but he never eats more than one can.” When the court asked about the significance of the hard-boiled eggs, Mrs. Moskowitz replied, “He only eats hard-boiled eggs on Easter.”

“After lunch,” Dorothy continued, “Joe kept snacking on his eggs and bag of Pork Rinds he bought at the gas station. Of course, nobody in here knows it but all of those things give Joe really bad gas. And I started to wonder if he was trying to kill himself,” Mrs. Moskowitz wondered out loud. “But that wasn’t his plan at all,” she said. “As the Superbowl started, Joe ate hot wings, pepperoni pizza, and drank three cans of Coors Light. All of these, of course, give him lots of gas.” When the court asked Mrs. Moskowitz how did she know that Mr. Moskowitz was trying to kill her, she stated that the signs started early.

“During the game Joe was passing gas and wasn’t making any attempt to open a window. Although the sound and smell was extremely vulgar, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.” The court asked Dorothy what she expected and she replied, “I thought he’d need some Aloe Vera because butt would burn so bad. I found out later that wasn’t the case.” When asked about what happened later, Mrs. Moskowitz’s voice became very stern as she stared at her husband. “Joe kept passing gas through the entire game and our house started to smell like a P.E. locker room but again, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would have been.”

“After the game was over, we got ready for bed and there was nothing out of the ordinary with him. However, in the middle of the night I heard a loud sound and I thought it was semi-truck blaring its horn on the highway. As I rolled over I found myself caught in a thick cloud of methane gas. It had literally taken my breath away and it was difficult to breathe. My eyes were watering and I was gasping for air. The only way I survived was by rolling off of the bed and onto the floor.” During this testimony, Joseph Moskowitz began to laugh and Dorothy stood up and yelled at him, “It’s not funny Joseph!!” “At that moment,” Dorothy continued, “I realized that the semi-truck horn was Joe’s butt and I couldn’t breathe because of the nuclear waste that he had emitted into the air. He tried to kill me and his eating behavior for the entire day proves it.”

The Pummelo will continue to cover this trial as Mr. Moskowitz takes the stand and provides his testimony.

When In Doubt, Sniff It Out

Barney really likes to sniff.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -  Because of the rash of terrorist threats and activities that have the nation on edge right now, from a pre-emptive nuke strike from Iran to being eaten by hungry North Koreans to being invaded by rogue Canadians, the US Department of Homeland Security has announced that they will be instituting a new form of security checks at airports nationwide starting next week.

Called the "Barney Check" thanks to Barney, a canine who these new rules were inspired by, involves having all passengers on commercial domestic and international flights be subject to a bomb sniffing dog sticking their nose in your genitalia as well as your anus to determine if you have stuffed a potential bomb in a bodily orifice.

Janet Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Security, says this will not only help continue the extensive security measures that have been in place for several years now, but will also give passengers a new comfort level when it comes to travelling because of greater security. "I was quite surprised to learn that our passengers do not enjoy being fingered or having a reach around performed to make sure that they are no hidden explosives on them," said Napolitano. "By incorporating the Barney Check, we'll be able to stop that process of blue glove intimacy and start a new process of blue nose intimacy, which people I'm sure will love more, and we'll love it more because it is more effective."

Instead of getting fondled by a same sex TSA agent, you will now have a cold nose placed against your skin by a trained canine, who will sniff all of your private orifices to insure greater airline safety. If the trained canine detects something that shouldn't be there, then you will be subject to the standard TSA cavity searches, reach arounds, and fingering.

Napolitano believes the Barney Check is right for America right now. "Because we are over 10 years removed from the tragedy of 9/11 and are ready to get our economy back on track the right way, we are ready to increase security in this one area at airports effective next week to continue our war on terrorism." Napolitano rubbed her hands together excitedly. "I can't wait to see what else is in store! We might be able to start doing strip teases as well, and that would be great because I could set my eyes on some nice beefcake right about now."

Barney, the canine for whom the new rules are named, is quite excite to start his new duties. "Barney really likes to sniff," said owner Herman Blanks. "He has a nose for pretty much anything and knows how to use it."

Security checkpoint passage times are expected to increase by at least 2 minutes once the Barney Check is implemented. All other standard security measures still apply.

McDonald's Manager Fails In Vegan Assault Of Dairy Kreme

Crystal City McDonald's  manager Ronald Kohl lost his mind

CRYSTAL CITY, TX - A man claiming to have bought the Dairey Kreme faces charges after throwing out 200 pounds of hamburger and replacing it with 40 gluten-free, vegan patties at the 904 N 1st Ave Tuesday afternoon, according to the Crystal City Police Department.

Police said the man, identified as Ronald Kohl, 52, of Crystal City, came into the restaurant at about 4:30 p.m. carrying a briefcase and wearing a maroon tie and long black western style duster.

He told the five staff that he was the new owner and needed to check the meat because of Zavala County Health Department violations.

The shift manager said she had not gotten any word from the current owners about a sale. She proceeded to tell Kohl that he had the wrong restaurant. 

When the manager started to call her the owners to prove that Kohl made a mistake, was hauling the hamburger to the trash dumpster, police said. They said he had also grabbed a soft drink and was in the process of filling the refrigerator with the vegan patties when the manager told him the jig was up. 

Police said Kohl was unfazed and continued to say that she had not yet gotten notification. She was then notified by other staff that Kohl was actually the manager of the McDonald’s franchise next door. She called 911 and when police arrived they found Kohl working the counter at his restaurant. He told police that it was a misunderstanding, that he had been working his shift all afternoon and that there must have some confusion. 

Crystal City Police Sergeant Jürgen Gutiérrez said that Kohl was arrested for theft, impersonation, destruction of private property, fraud hotel or restaurant keeper, , disorderly conduct and lying to law enforcement investigators.

“This was actually very, very weird,” said Gutiérrez. “Everyone in town eats here at the Dairy Kreme, and they probably out sell the McDonald’s four to one, so hearing rumors that this store was going to be closed Kohl went on the offensive, he said that if the Dairy Kreme started serving these awful vegan bricks then he wouldn’t lose his job.”

Gutiérrez said that Kohl would be undergoing a psychological evaluation Crystal City Correctional Center by State Correctional Psychiatrists.

“Strangest damn thing anyone has ever done,” said actual Dairy Kreme owner Annett Kotoha. “We lost probably $3,000 in meat, but hey we’ll try vegan burgers now too, might as well see what happens I think there is opportunity in every idiots behavior.” 

Man Claims Facebook Made Him Steal Diamonds

These diamonds were posted on a bank's Facebook page on
Monday. On Tuesday, Carl Willis stole them.

RAPID CITY, SD - In what authorities are calling a "unique defense," Carl Willis has plead not guilty to a recent burglary at the local Bank of America branch in his initial hearing that occurred today in this small South Dakota town.

Last Monday, right before Valentine's Day, the Bank of America posted on their Facebook page that they had just received a shipment of some very rare green diamonds that were worth millions. Willis, who has liked the branch's Facebook page for over a year according to his public Facebook timeline, saw this picture and thought that they would make the perfect gift for his long time girl friend Carla Smith.

"I saw those green diamonds, knew they would look perfect when matched against Carly's beautiful green eyes, and felt an indescribable need to have to get those diamonds for myself by any means necessary," Willis reportedly told investigators.

Willis broke into the Bank of America branch about 2am local time and managed to obtain the diamonds, which were remarkably just sitting out at a teller's desk under no security beyond the alarmed door. "It was probably a break down in our security measures," admitted General Manager John Schults, who is responsible for all of the Rapid City branches. "We probably should have at least put them in a bag or something out of sight."

Willis was in and out in less than five minutes. "Easiest job I ever did."

Smith says she was shocked by the present. "I knew he could never afford such an extravagant gift, so I knew something was up." After she saw the picture of the diamonds on her own Facebook news feed, she turned in Willis and the diamonds.

Willis told the judge he was not guilty because he wouldn't have wanted to steal the diamonds if the picture of them hadn't been posted on his news feed. "It's their fault I stole the diamonds. They're the stupid ones who broadcast their presence and made it easy to steal. If anything, Bank of America should be paying me for doing them a favor!"

Willis' bond was set at $1 million. He remains behind bars right now because he's only got $10 to his name.

National Police Blotter

Like all citizens, The Pummelo takes National Security very serious and to do our part, we are searching the country for trends in violence and terrorism so that all of us remain informed and alert. Here are the violators from the past week:

GEORGIA – A local woman contacted the police department about an intoxicated man walking down her street towards the elementary school. Local law enforcement officials tracked down the individual and stopped him for questioning. It turned out that the one of the man’s legs is shorter than the other and that was the cause of his unusual walking technique, not intoxication. No reports were filed.

WASHINGTON – A young woman called local authorities in a panic saying that her house had been burglarized. When asked if there was any signs of forced entry, the woman said “No but my $30 belt from Saks is missing.” The department informed the woman that they would send someone over to fill out a report. Ten minutes later the woman called back and said it was mistake and that there had been no burglary; she had found her Saks belt under the couch. The department advised the woman to check her house carefully for missing items before reporting a burglary.

WISCONSIN – Local police department officials were dispatched to the Lutheran Church after getting a call from the Pastor about theft. Upon investigation, the Pastor reported that their large, yard banner, a value of approximately $120, had been stolen. The banner’s message, “Let’s Meet at My House Before the Game” was meant to bring in more community members on Sundays. Replacement lawn stake signs, with the Green Bay Packers logo painted on each one, were left in the banners place. Police department officials are still investigating the incident.

VERMONT – An intoxicated college student offered to pay a tow truck driver $500 if he would help them pull their car out of a ditch and promised not contact the authorities. The under aged male was turned over to the local authorities and the tow truck driver pulled the golf cart of the ditch and returned it to golf course.

CALIFORNIA – A local police department received a break in a series of incidents involving port-a-potties being knocked by a car at parks and athletic fields. The incidents were under investigation for three weeks until a patrol car found that a license plate had been left behind at the scene. A local man was arrested and charged with destruction of city property.

ARIZONA – An ASU student was seen struggling to keep his balance while attempting to ride his bicycle. The student fell over onto the ground with the bicycle still between his legs; he could not maintain his balance as he attempted to pick himself up. Upon investigation and questioning, the student told the ASU officer that he suffered from Turrets and that is why he couldn’t maintain his balance while riding the bike. The officer, however, detected a very strong odor of alcohol on the student’s breath and his eyes were bloodshot and glossy. The student was taken into custody for Public Intoxication and was required to research Turrets Syndrome upon his release the next day.

What the Santorum PAC Ads Should Say

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Speaker Of The Grouse: Women Take Back America

Hey Fucknuts! I’m back to give a voice to the disturbed. Again I want to remind you, I’m not a happy guy - I’m belligerent and nasty. The greatest man I never met George Carlin described me once, “I don't have pet peeves; I have major psychotic fucking hatreds, okay. And it makes the world a lot easier to sort out.” So let’s do some sorting shall we?

☆ For some inexplicable reason birth control has arrived on the American stage as a political issue. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!! 

Alright, 10, 9, 8, phheahhhh, in, out 7 

So can any five living, never mind rational, random people explain this one? I get fucked up old men in robes wanting to still control things, hey they like little boys rumps and think of women as chattel to eventually provide more little boys for their pleasure. I also get how these fucked up people don’t want the government to tell them what to do, to which I reply SHUT THE FUUCCKKKK UP! 

You have never wanted to play by the rules of our society, keep pushing the First, 14th, 15th  and 19th Amendments out of your way but never pay taxes. Fine you’re a bunch of relics who’s belief system is decaying. 

What I cannot conceive is how there are Congressional hearings regarding Birth Control Law under the President’s healthcare directive that go from discussing that to the actual use of birth control. Wait I’m sorry yes I can, look at the video it’s all men! Added to this FAUX NEWS thinks faith is under attack and holds a townhall meeting moderated by Sean “Fuck if I know anything but Reagan had a helluva ass in ‘Cattle Queen of Montana’ Hannity which was again all members of the Ttubesteak Society. HERE IS MY QUESTION! WHERE ARE THE WOMEN? HOW IS THIS CONVERSATION HAPPENING WITHOUT WOMEN? 

There are more women in America than men, there are more active women voters in America than men and yet they are all just waiting for  the bus to the polls? Look I revere women, I think this fucked up world wouldn’t be so fucked if women ran the G-8 nations and Fortune 500 boards, but ladies you can’t sit this one out until November because by then the choices will be limited. Hit the polls now! Caucasus, Primaries whatever, write your state houses, FUCK MARCH ON WASHINGTON, A Million Mom’s hell no how about 20 MILLION WOMEN MARCH, That’s right 20 million women saying “HELL NO STAY OUT OF MY UTERUS!” Come on!! PLEASE!

Another thing about this, the President of the United States does not, I repeat does not make economic policy, he works with congress, the current campaign is based on shit he can’t control. You know what he (or she someday) do have greater control and influence on? Diplomacy and Statecraft! QUESTION? If every other leader in the G-8, Asia and elsewhere is laughing about how the “Only Superpower” has fallen to the ignorant and superstitious then how does he go about that? Let’s take it a stepfurther, we’re talking basic human rights of women, do you think a bunch of tiny pricked fossils deciding those rights is wise? If Iran is a backwards, repressive society that can’t be permitted nuclear weapons then what are we? A BACKWARDS, IRRATIONAL, SUPERSTITIOUS, SOCIETY THAT HAS MORE NUCLEAR WEAPONS (CHEMICAL AND BIOLOGICAL) THAN ANYONE! How long do you think the other nations are going to accept that? Not much longer, there is no way, we are rotting from the inside and turning back the clock to a time when, well that didn’t exist for us. We can’t be a free nation and even have the idiotic topic of birth control on the table, the back room or anywhere but where the past years have gone.

GODDAMMIT TO HAVE THIS DISCUSSION SHOWS AMERICA AS AN IDEA HAS FAILED!

Well that wasn’t helpful at all, I don’t feel any better and need three bottles of Jack, maybe I’ll be back in a few weeks, maybe not, I’m verging into genocidal desires not just suicidal. I hate you fucking politically power motivated fuckers.

GROUSE 

Ask Uncle Mike: Should We Call French Whores "Freedom" Whores?

Uncle Mike gives sage and sometimes uncouth love advice.
That's what 20 years of marriage can do to a man.

Dear Uncle Mike: I really like prostitutes. And when I say I really like prostitutes, I mean that I really like prostitutes. I don't want to say that I love them because that means I love my Mom and I love prostitutes and that just sounds bad. There's nothing like looking up an escort in the phone book, asking for a sensual massage, and then getting a $200 horizontal mambo in a dinky hotel room going on a couple nights a week, or even three if the overtime comes in. I love me all sorts of babes - I love me some midgets, some tall, leggy broads, and I even love me some of those hairy European girls that don't shave anything but their little mustache hairs if you're lucky. But the girls I love the best are the French girls. There's something about a French whore that makes me feel warm and tingly inside, and not because I've gotten VD. I don't want to seem unpatriotic, though, because I don't want to have to watch my back because someone gets offended because I like French sex better than anything else - so should I call my favorite French whores "Freedom" whores now so that no one will lynch me? ~ Concerned in Carson City