Saturday, March 3, 2012
"Who would've thought that the internet would have come to this when I invented it back in the 80's?" Al Gore told us exclusively. "I guess people really are just full of hot air and is shows on these dead blogs."
According to statistics, the average person is the owner of two dead blogs that currently exist on the internet. I myself, editor of The Pummelo, am the owner of two dead blogs myself - one that hasn't been updated in six weeks and the other which hasn't been updated in three years.
Gore says people like me are ruining the internet experience for everyone. "A slow internet means you can't watch free porn videos without having to wait to have them buffer, and that's a terrible thing to have happen when you're sitting at your laptop with the shades drawn," said Gore. "You all need to clean up your acts so that we can clean up after ourselves appropriately."
It is rather easy to clean up a dead blog, says Gore. "Yeah - you hit the delete button on your dashboard," said Gore. "No one cares about what you wrote about three years ago. People care about what you can provide them now... like a Nobel Prize. You wanna touch mine?"
For my part, I pledge to keep my dead blogs active just to annoy Mr. Gore. For the rest of you, however, think of your fellow humans sitting naked at their laptops and watching free porn previews, would ya?
Friday, March 2, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
CUBA, NM – The second day of testimony in the Cuba courtroom in the trial of a woman accusing her husband of trying to murder her on February 5, 2012 had Joseph Moskowitz providing his testimony. As Mr. Moskowitz took the stand, Dorothy Moskowitz glared at him and shook her head, as if to say that it was all going to be a series of lies. As Joseph took the stand, he was asked to explain the events that took place on February 5, 2012.
“Dorothy and I had agreed to make our own food on that Sunday. It was my idea because I’m tired of eating the same, lower your cholesterol, bland food that I’ve been eating for two years. Well, surprisingly, Dorothy agreed to it and I think she did it because she didn’t think I’d make my own food.” When Mr. Moskowitz was asked why he thought that way, he responded, “Because she always underestimates me.” Joseph continued his testimony while Dorothy continued to glare at her husband. “Since this was my one chance to eat something that I enjoy, I decided to go for it and eat everything I’ve been craving for two years. And I loved it!” Mr. Moskowitz exclaimed with his arms thrown into the air. The court reminded Joseph to stay seated while testifying.
When asked if he had gas during the football game, Joseph admitted that he did also admitted to not attempting to open a window, “I didn’t think it was necessary. They were just loud, I didn’t smell anything.” At that point, the judge had call for order in court as Mrs. Moskowitz stood up and yelled, “They always stink, Joe! And you know it!” Once the courtroom quieted down, Joseph was asked if opened windows when he noticed a stench in the air. “Not always,” he replied. And why not the court responded. “Because if I have to listen to her pee with the bathroom door open right before we go to bed then she can hear me play with the band.” Mr. Moskowitz was then asked to continue his testimony of the events on February 5, 2012.
“I remember shaking the windows a few times during the game but I didn’t smell anything so I didn’t feel the need to open a window. Well, after the game was done we puttered around the kitchen for a bit and then we both went upstairs to get ready for bed. I had a couple more small bouts of gas during that time and I felt fine. It felt good to eat those normal foods again. After we got cleaned up, we both went to bed and I woke up the next morning in bed by myself.” When asked if he had heard a loud sound similar to a semi-truck horn or if noticed a thick cloud of methane gas hovering in their room, Mr. Moskowitz responded with a chuckle, “Certainly not. That kind of noise would have woken me up.”
After Joseph Moskowitz’s testimony, the court adjourned for a brief recess coming back to hear the judge’s verdict. While he could sympathize with both sides on this case, the judge could not see any reason for the case to go forward into a jury trial. He suggested that both sides communicate more about their likes and dislikes and even recommended separate bedrooms if Mr. Moskowitz’s flatulence continued to bother Mrs. Moskowitz. Dorothy was not happy with the verdict and neither she nor Joseph spoke to one another as they left the courtroom and rode home together in the same car.
It is unclear, at this time, if Mrs. Moskowitz plans to hire an attorney to appeal the decision.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
VICTORIA, BC – What started out as some grumblings in local taverns has quickly grown into a firestorm of hate and now a former NBA player’s safety could be in jeopardy. “We recognize that most of the words that come out of his mouth is garbage but he crossed a line. This is blasphemy and he’s going to regret ever opening his mouth,” said local Canadian Jonathan Ross. Ross is referring to the statement that former NBA player Shaquille made about Canadian Steve Nash, in an interview with VIBE Magazine. In his interview, O’Neal said, “Steve Nash is my boy, but I don’t see how the fuck he got it (the NBA’s MVP award) twice. I was taught never to complain because you can’t beat the system. People know who the real dominant guy was. But Steve Nash, I don’t want to say it.”
O’Neal, of course, was referring to himself as the real dominant guy when we played for the rival Los Angeles Lakers. Nash, who is beloved and worshiped in his country, made no comment or qualms about O’Neal’s comments and he won’t because that’s his style. Nash’s fellow countrymen, however, do not take those comments so lightly. The grumblings and trash talking about O’Neal began much like the talk that goes on about the hated Detroit Redwings of the NHL. These grumblings, however, did not go away and before too long, word had spread on the street that a group of men put up some money and put a bounty on O’Neal.
“Yeah, I heard 'bout that,” said Jonathan Ross, “I hear it’s a lot of money and that the bounty is very specific.” When asked about the specifics of the bounty, Ross smiled and said, “I think that group wants to send him a message. They don’t wanna knock him off or anything like that but I think a trip to the dentist and walking with a cane for quite some time is outlined in the instructions.” The Pummelo asked if anyone had picked up the bounty yet and Ross replied, “Not yet but I think there are plenty of us who want a crack at dumb ass Shaq, eh?”
Neither Shaquille O’Neal nor the Victoria Police Department was available for comment.
Monday, February 27, 2012
|Rick Santorum paid by Obama Campaign to be crazy|
|Burt Lewis wished J-Lo wore this outfit last night|
"I really wish J-Lo would walk nude down the red carpet," said Lewis. "That would make my pecker extremely happy. It's hard getting aroused sometimes when all you see is your cousin in the shower every morning."
In fact, to force home this point, Lewis has written an official letter of complaint to the Oscar nominating committee and to Billy Crystal, as well as President Obama, regarding the lack of nudity at the Oscars. "I'm tired of waiting for wardrobe slips," said Lewis. "I want to see boobies. Lots of boobies."
"If I don't, then I'm never watching the Oscars again and they can lose my ratings for advertising revenues."
We attempted to solicit a phone interview with someone from the Oscar nominating committee, Billy Crystal, or the Obama Administration regarding Lewis' complaint, but all we managed to get from Billy Crystal was an offer to show his moobs on next year's broadcast.
Lewis says that is not acceptable. "If I want to get turned on by man boobs, I can just look at myself in a puddle in the driveway," said Lewis. "No - I want the good stuff. The real stuff. The stuff that puts hair on a boy's chest unless he's gay."
Lewis then excused himself to watch the six hours of Cinemax that he recorded last night.