Dead Blogs Clogging Up the Internet; Al Gore Confused By Porn Buffering

SOMEWHERE ON THE PLANET - It was announced this morning that there were so many dead blogs existing in cyberspace that the internet itself is starting to slow down because of it.

"Who would've thought that the internet would have come to this when I invented it back in the 80's?" Al Gore told us exclusively. "I guess people really are just full of hot air and is shows on these dead blogs."

According to statistics, the average person is the owner of two dead blogs that currently exist on the internet. I myself, editor of The Pummelo, am the owner of two dead blogs myself - one that hasn't been updated in six weeks and the other which hasn't been updated in three years.

Gore says people like me are ruining the internet experience for everyone. "A slow internet means you can't watch free porn videos without having to wait to have them buffer, and that's a terrible thing to have happen when you're sitting at your laptop with the shades drawn," said Gore. "You all need to clean up your acts so that we can clean up after ourselves appropriately."

It is rather easy to clean up a dead blog, says Gore. "Yeah - you hit the delete button on your dashboard," said Gore. "No one cares about what you wrote about three years ago. People care about what you can provide them now... like a Nobel Prize. You wanna touch mine?"

For my part, I pledge to keep my dead blogs active just to annoy Mr. Gore. For the rest of you, however, think of your fellow humans sitting naked at their laptops and watching free porn previews, would ya?

Your Weekend Horrorscope

Horrorscope For 3/2-3/4/2012:

If today is your birthday: I hope you are prepared to gnaw your leg off, unless you have a tourniquet and pocket knife for amputation.

Aries: If you'd like to talk dirty to a large woman named Vernel for a half hour or so just stay on the bus past the next stop.

Taurus:  Having corrective surgery to create a deformed left hand seems a little much for a commercial, method acting never made much sense to us though.

Gemini: I’d give thanks to the Judicial System for plea bargaining if I were you.

Cancer: Hey look! Uncle Joe terrorizing the neighborhood with garden shears!,

Leo: Is anyone truly free in a world dominated by the pursuit of material possessions?

Virgo: It is going to take seven doctors, four dentists, a priest, two Navy Seals and a case of Jose Cuervo to stop your wife’s maniacal laughter after seeing your new tattoo.

Libra: You’re going to get pretty tired if you keep killing opinionated people twice a day.

Scorpio: No, I'm sorry. The promotion for free happy endings ended on the 29th.This month's promotion is a free punch in the crotch.

Sagittarius: “Police say that she used a sharp implement, not yet identified or found.” From tonight’s Channel 9 story on you.

Capricorn: You’re going to need Valium to get the tinfoil off Aunt Flo’s head and get her down from the poplar tree.

Aquarius: Yes March often has F-5 tornados.

Pisces: Pssst, someone is entertaining a boy scout troop when you’re not home.

What’s That Stench? Murder, of Course. (Day 2)

CUBA, NM – The second day of testimony in the Cuba courtroom in the trial of a woman accusing her husband of trying to murder her on February 5, 2012 had Joseph Moskowitz providing his testimony. As Mr. Moskowitz took the stand, Dorothy Moskowitz glared at him and shook her head, as if to say that it was all going to be a series of lies. As Joseph took the stand, he was asked to explain the events that took place on February 5, 2012.

“Dorothy and I had agreed to make our own food on that Sunday. It was my idea because I’m tired of eating the same, lower your cholesterol, bland food that I’ve been eating for two years. Well, surprisingly, Dorothy agreed to it and I think she did it because she didn’t think I’d make my own food.” When Mr. Moskowitz was asked why he thought that way, he responded, “Because she always underestimates me.” Joseph continued his testimony while Dorothy continued to glare at her husband. “Since this was my one chance to eat something that I enjoy, I decided to go for it and eat everything I’ve been craving for two years. And I loved it!” Mr. Moskowitz exclaimed with his arms thrown into the air. The court reminded Joseph to stay seated while testifying.

When asked if he had gas during the football game, Joseph admitted that he did also admitted to not attempting to open a window, “I didn’t think it was necessary. They were just loud, I didn’t smell anything.” At that point, the judge had call for order in court as Mrs. Moskowitz stood up and yelled, “They always stink, Joe! And you know it!” Once the courtroom quieted down, Joseph was asked if opened windows when he noticed a stench in the air. “Not always,” he replied. And why not the court responded. “Because if I have to listen to her pee with the bathroom door open right before we go to bed then she can hear me play with the band.” Mr. Moskowitz was then asked to continue his testimony of the events on February 5, 2012.

“I remember shaking the windows a few times during the game but I didn’t smell anything so I didn’t feel the need to open a window. Well, after the game was done we puttered around the kitchen for a bit and then we both went upstairs to get ready for bed. I had a couple more small bouts of gas during that time and I felt fine. It felt good to eat those normal foods again. After we got cleaned up, we both went to bed and I woke up the next morning in bed by myself.” When asked if he had heard a loud sound similar to a semi-truck horn or if noticed a thick cloud of methane gas hovering in their room, Mr. Moskowitz responded with a chuckle, “Certainly not. That kind of noise would have woken me up.”

After Joseph Moskowitz’s testimony, the court adjourned for a brief recess coming back to hear the judge’s verdict. While he could sympathize with both sides on this case, the judge could not see any reason for the case to go forward into a jury trial. He suggested that both sides communicate more about their likes and dislikes and even recommended separate bedrooms if Mr. Moskowitz’s flatulence continued to bother Mrs. Moskowitz. Dorothy was not happy with the verdict and neither she nor Joseph spoke to one another as they left the courtroom and rode home together in the same car.

It is unclear, at this time, if Mrs. Moskowitz plans to hire an attorney to appeal the decision.

Canadians Place a Bounty on Shaquille O’Neal

VICTORIA, BC – What started out as some grumblings in local taverns has quickly grown into a firestorm of hate and now a former NBA player’s safety could be in jeopardy. “We recognize that most of the words that come out of his mouth is garbage but he crossed a line. This is blasphemy and he’s going to regret ever opening his mouth,” said local Canadian Jonathan Ross. Ross is referring to the statement that former NBA player Shaquille made about Canadian Steve Nash, in an interview with VIBE Magazine. In his interview, O’Neal said, “Steve Nash is my boy, but I don’t see how the fuck he got it (the NBA’s MVP award) twice. I was taught never to complain because you can’t beat the system. People know who the real dominant guy was. But Steve Nash, I don’t want to say it.”

O’Neal, of course, was referring to himself as the real dominant guy when we played for the rival Los Angeles Lakers. Nash, who is beloved and worshiped in his country, made no comment or qualms about O’Neal’s comments and he won’t because that’s his style. Nash’s fellow countrymen, however, do not take those comments so lightly. The grumblings and trash talking about O’Neal began much like the talk that goes on about the hated Detroit Redwings of the NHL. These grumblings, however, did not go away and before too long, word had spread on the street that a group of men put up some money and put a bounty on O’Neal.

“Yeah, I heard 'bout that,” said Jonathan Ross, “I hear it’s a lot of money and that the bounty is very specific.” When asked about the specifics of the bounty, Ross smiled and said, “I think that group wants to send him a message. They don’t wanna knock him off or anything like that but I think a trip to the dentist and walking with a cane for quite some time is outlined in the instructions.” The Pummelo asked if anyone had picked up the bounty yet and Ross replied, “Not yet but I think there are plenty of us who want a crack at dumb ass Shaq, eh?”

Neither Shaquille O’Neal nor the Victoria Police Department was available for comment.

Pummelo Exposé: Santorum A Trojan Obama Candidate

Rick Santorum paid by Obama Campaign to be crazy

WASHINGTON D.C. – A six month long Pummelo investigation has discovered that Republic candidate and believed conservative favorite Rick Santorum is actually a paid plant by the Re-elect Barrack Obama campaign.

“Do you really think someone so willfully ignorant and anti-intellectual exists,” said the Pummelo’s source Veracity Truth “I mean, yes clearly in Kentucky, Arizona, Virginia there are these people but our guy holds an actual M.B.A from the University of Pittsburgh which is in fact an actual respected business school.”

Truth explained to the Pummelo that given the divided political conscience of the country and the still recovering economy the chance that President Obama might face a stiffer reelection challenge then an incumbent President had since George Bush Senior in 1992, so his campaign decided to stack the odds in their favor by running Rick Santorum as their secret candidate.

“Frankly most of this came out of the Tea Party rallies and the weird support Sarah Palin received early in the President’s first term,” explained Truth. “There was discernible idiot demographic to that we felt we could manipulate,  helping the President towards reelection.”

Truth explained that when the campaign team first gathered in late 2010 they started looking for potential spoilers who could effectively pull in a large number of the fringe conservatives without alienating the current far right base of the GOP. Of course they also need someone who wasn’t already employed by Fox News, the Heritage Foundation or People for the American Way.

“You don’t know how difficult it is to find a fringe candidate who isn’t receiving substantial funding from another source,” said Truth. “Someone like Orly Taitz or Glenn Beck is too fringe and Newt had money, heck even Bachman had money.”

 “Santorum was perfect because he has always spouted nutty beliefs while having a voting record of fiscal flip flopping, but he his failed senate career held back his media exposure,” explained Truth.

So quietly the Obama team approached Santorum and made him an offer he apparently couldn’t refuse. Truth says that he cannot really say what the offer was because he wasn’t there and that David Axelrod gave the plan the final go ahead with the plan.

They began giving the shadow campaign speeches and rhetoric in Iowa, early they didn’t push to deeply into the fringe but held to basic tenants of the Tea Party movement.  While it didn’t seem like this Trojan Virus campaign might not have any legs the shocking win in Iowa affirmed the Axelrod decision. After Santorum picked up Colorado and Nevada things built, soon the candidate was helping write his own material.

“He hasn’t gone off the reservation so to speak,” said Truth. "He knows where his bacon is fried, he just has an idea of how crazy he can and should sound. He is effectively revealing the fringe, outright lunatic belief system of those who oppose the President”

Truth said the plan has been for Santorum to continue to be outrageous and make statements about women especially, while steering his party to devastation because the fear he puts in front runner Mitt Romney.

“We have alternative plans to win the election and polling clearly puts the President in a landslide position,” said Truth. “However we want a Goldwater level mandate and this is one way we do it, a Trojan Virus within the Republican party.”

Man Upset That Oscars Contained No Nudity Once Again

Burt Lewis wished J-Lo wore this outfit last night

MORGANTOWN, WV - Burt Lewis has decided that he is going to swear off watching the Oscar awards in future years unless they commit in the coming year to having his favorite movie stars wear nothing instead of something.

"I really wish J-Lo would walk nude down the red carpet," said Lewis. "That would make my pecker extremely happy. It's hard getting aroused sometimes when all you see is your cousin in the shower every morning."

In fact, to force home this point, Lewis has written an official letter of complaint to the Oscar nominating committee and to Billy Crystal, as well as President Obama, regarding the lack of nudity at the Oscars. "I'm tired of waiting for wardrobe slips," said Lewis. "I want to see boobies. Lots of boobies."

"If I don't, then I'm never watching the Oscars again and they can lose my ratings for advertising revenues."

We attempted to solicit a phone interview with someone from the Oscar nominating committee, Billy Crystal, or the Obama Administration regarding Lewis' complaint, but all we managed to get from Billy Crystal was an offer to show his moobs on next year's broadcast.

Lewis says that is not acceptable. "If I want to get turned on by man boobs, I can just look at myself in a puddle in the driveway," said Lewis. "No - I want the good stuff. The real stuff. The stuff that puts hair on a boy's chest unless he's gay."

Lewis then excused himself to watch the six hours of Cinemax that he recorded last night.

Your Daily Horrorscope

Horrorscope For 2/27/2012:

If today is your birthday: You will get to test that bunker you spent thousands on when the FBI, ATF, and MISL (Major Indoor Soccer League) all storm your home.

Aries: Something new and exciting will be crashing through the living room window later.

Taurus: Judging by how your head jerked back, and to the left, CSI believes the gunman was crouching on the grassy knoll.

Gemini: Good news, the network has renewed your syndication deal for another three years.

Cancer: Don’t be afraid when that hideous old crone offers to help you with your romantic problems, at least its contact with a woman.

Leo: Lobbing bricks from the bathroom on the sixth floor at anyone approaching the building will not save your job.

Virgo:  No you’re not trapped on the holodeck, with the safeties off, and this is your real life.

Libra: You might want to spiff things up today since the neighborhood watch is going around beating up “suspicious lookin people”.

Scorpio: The coming divorce battle over your Civil War commemorative spoons is going to make Gettysburg look like an ice cream social.

Sagittarius: Eating breakfast from Taco Bell, sigh! If you continue at this rate, I cannot be responsible for the safety of your colon.

Capricorn: After the accident you’ll have the cute nickname of "Stumpy"

Aquarius: The Shoggoth does not appreciate your offering this time, I’d change to wet dog food, or infants either should be acceptable.

Pisces: Look, think of it this way. your blood will wash off.