Your Daily Death and Dentistry

Death & Dentistry Planned For 3/23/12:

If today is your birthday: A dream will be fulfilled today when a lottery windfall helps you take care of all your problems for a couple of months.

Aries: Finding out you are unessential to your family, friends, job is just a reason to start drinking early.

Taurus:  Scarred for life by a stapler accident at work, it could be worse..

Gemini: Huh, tea leaves just say two minutes of sheer humiliation in the elevator, no details though.

                                                                

Cancer: You’ll spend all afternoon fighting the urge to hack Chuck-E Cheese to bits and run screaming down the street, You’ll fail horribly.

Leo: Trying to act nonchalant, while a mob of villagers chase you with flaming torches and axes shows some fine qualities.

Virgo: Hmm, I think that bank robber’s smiles are forced.

Libra: Your son will get over it; you probably couldn’t throw the ball on account of the shooting pains in her left arm and chest.

Scorpio: Even if it’s a start-up, and not a real company you have to say something about the bodies stacked in the closet.

Sagittarius: Go ahead and call the librarian “little lady,” I dare you.

Capricorn: Expect some laughter if you reach any paleontologist about your petrified frog.

Aquarius: You will be sorry that you gave Phyllis cause to open her mouth and let noises come out.

Pisces: While there is no best practice for getting rid of a body, we suggest a barrel of lime and muriatic acid, thrown into a deep sea trench.

Exclusive Report: Teenage Boys Getting Fat So They Can Get Laid

CAMDEN, NJ – “Yeah, I know it’s not good for my health or my heart and I could die early but if it means I’m chopping up with a hottie then it’s worth it.” That is not just the thinking of 15-year-old Earl Tarns, it’s apparently the standard way of thinking for most teenage boys. It’s no secret that teenage obesity is on the rise in this country but the Pummelo recently learned that many teenage boys are purposely gaining weight so they can get chopped up, I.E. get laid, and be cool like the rest of the guys on the football, basketball, and baseball teams. When we asked him where he got his information, Earl took a bite from his McDonald’s Big Mac and replied, “Everywhere. Everyone talks about it and hears about it. It’s like a big underground movement and I’m going to be a sex God and chop them hotties all night long.”

After four months of interviews and investigative work, the Pummelo has discovered that this is an underground trend that originated on the west coast. Although we cannot confirm the rumor part of this investigation, we do have evidence regarding the study that took place. According to many sources, a young freshman at the University of California, Berkeley read a foreign study that indicated that fat men are better lovers when compared to average or smaller sized men. The Berkeley student decided to go viral with this report so that all guys, big or small, could get some “horizontal refreshment.” We tracked down the Berkeley student’s source and discovered there is some truth behind his story.

According to researchers in Turkey, overweight men last longer in bed. The study correlated body mass index with male sexual performance and stated that heavier men were able to make love for an average of 7.3 minutes while smaller men lasted an average of 108 seconds. The reason for this, according to the study, is that overweight men had higher levels of the female hormone estradiol, which blocks male hormones and delays the climax.

When we shared our information with Earl Tarns’ father, Brett, he went on record to say, “I just thought he had his mother’s genes and was gonna be fat his whole life. But now you’re telling me he’s doing this so he can bang a chick? That’s weird. Don’t the jocks and studs get the chicks? They did when I was in school,” he said with a grin. “But if Earl thinks he can become the next Ron Jeremy then go for it buddy! But he better not come crying to me when he’s so fat that the only one pleasing him is Rosie Palmer and her five sisters doing the four knuckle shuffle.”

The Pummelo shared the Turkish report with Earl and how the Berkeley student went viral with it, hoping it would sway him from destroying his body; however, the teenager looked at us and simply shrugged, “I don’t care. At this point I’m willing to try anything. I’m tired of taking long showers and my mom asking why we keep running out of lotion so quickly.”

Your Daily Death and Dentistry

Death & Dentistry Planned For 3/21/12:

If today is your birthday: The police and fire departments will handle the press for you after you burn down the entire apartment complex, and die, testing your new types or light bulb.

Aries: An official announcement regarding your accidental decapitation will be released for friends and family at 4:00 p.m. or so, sorry it’s so late.

Taurus:  You will be the first person killed by the GAL387 Sentinel Drone in Arizona, so you’ll at least be written down in history.

Gemini: When she kisses you and wraps herself around you, that’s usually a sign the anaconda is getting ready to feed.

                                                                

Cancer: I know you want to learn to love, learn not to hate, but I don’t think that woman named Amora charging you $50 an hour is the way to do it

Leo: You haven’t talked to him in years, and you don’t know if he is still a he at all. I guess that means he’s/she’s not your friend anymore.

Virgo: Why yes it does appear Florida law allows you to kill people just because you say you were scared, but I don’t think that applies to using a wood chipper.

Libra: His name is Earl, your new friend, and he likes burying people up to their necks in the sand at the beach and just leaving, he runs out of friends pretty fast..

Scorpio: So your new religion has only one rule? You must kill two of all species before you die, well guess you’re in for an interesting life now.

Sagittarius: That funny sensation in your crotch? That’s a snapping turtle.

Capricorn: Let me repeat this so that you understand it: Co-worker Bob promises you’re death at the end of shift today.

Aquarius: Changing your name is only half the battle, of course: If you truly want to disappear I’d suggest a gender reassignment surgery.

Pisces: Wow, you’re getting off easy, you’ll only be accused of being a pimp and lose your job and reputation.

Sportsbook: Spring Season Week 2

Today’s Online Sportsbook Betting is sponsored by Southside Lou: the ultimate source for hardcore Sportsbook gamblers.

Shin-kicking – An ancient sport where the aim is simple: kick your opponent as hard as you can in the shins. Each time your opponent falls to the ground you earn a point. The winner is the person with the highest score in the best of three rounds. Competitors can also pad their legs with as much straw as possible. The current competition is being held in Chipping Campden, UK.

Week 2 odds for most points accumulated:

Wesley – 4/1 (Won his bout against Martin, looks focused and arrogant)
Smithson – 5/1 (Looked strong against O’Dell, extra straw seemed to help his defense)
Michaels – 10/1 (Lost to Barton and his giant feet, talked about wearing more straw)
Jorgenson – 12/1 (Wearing straw has messed up his technique, will he continue to wear it?)
Smith – 13/1 (His wild boar sized legs pounded away on Jorgenson in a surprise victory)
Barton – 16/1 (Size 16 shoe were effective but his skinny legs don’t provide much power)
O’Dell – 28/1 (Lost weight but still moves slow, kept adjusting his package during match)
Martin – 35/1 (Thick calluses didn’t help, whimpered a lot during the match with Wesley)

Orangutan Kickboxing – Originated in a theme park outside of Thailand and continues to draw huge crowds that cheer on Orangutans who wear boxing gloves and trade punches and spin kicks inside the ring. Each bout is three rounds and three minutes per round. The theme park is drawing fire from PETA while Thailand gambling parlors continue to encounter heavy betting traffic.

With no point spread, wagering involves money lines where you pick one fighter to win. The negative value indicates the favorite (-150) and the positive value indicates the underdog (+130). With the number 100 being the middle value, you would bet $150 (-150) to win $100

Week 2 match odds:

Mister Rodra (-140) vs. Joxin (+130)
Mister Rodra won classic match with Teekum despite spitting at the referee several times. Joxin won a draw against Branza Kahn, fascinated with his shorts in the 2^nd round.

Marbie (-600) vs. Branza Kahn (+200)
Marbie lost badly to Shako, thought the ring was a playground as the crowd booed. The rumors of the underground fighting appear to be true but Branza Kahn still lost a close match.

Shako (-130) vs. Admiral Teekum (+120) Concerns Shako about not putting Marbie away & faces a veteran this week. Admiral Teekum Lost a close match to Rodra, lost focus in the 3^rd due to overt scratching of his pits and groin.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry

Death & Dentistry Planned For 3/19/12:

If today is your birthday: The magical dwarf you found in the woods will turn out to be a very angry “little person” named Ethelbert who doesn’t grant wishes but does stab people.

Aries: Floating face down in the harbor, well that seems a better way to start a Monday than a long commute in traffic.

Taurus:  Sean McFinnigean doesn’t hate you; his beating you is just a subconscious attempt to compensate for his inadequacies.

Gemini: I understand, you’re having one of your darker moments, when you are wandering around wondering what the fuck it’s all for, but you can’t console yourself by throwing random bag ladies into traffic.     

Cancer: That sound? Oh, that’s nothing just the beast, get home before dark all will be fine.

Leo: I tell you, this screwed up idea of wax wings, just isn't gonna work!

Virgo: How novel, a neighbor who is quiet and unassuming has 14 bodies stored in his freezer, and you’re next.

Libra: A hot, dry, and quiet environment, perfect for your mummification.

Scorpio: OK, stop whining. Actually there is a bright side to being drawn and quartered I don't know what but there must be one, think positively,

Sagittarius: Just keep telling your captors, “You can beat me all you want. I will never ever learn to like Justin Beiber!”

Capricorn: Wow, in all of recorded history you’re the first person to be split in two by popcorn silo explosion.

Aquarius: An angry janitor, annoyed that his vacuum won’t work, blames you and is going to make you pay by stampeding two thousand of pigs through your office, then quitting.

Pisces: Street surfing behind a car should only be done when the driver knows they are towing you, maybe someone can learn from your stupidity.