Your Weekend Death and Dentistry

Death & Dentistry For 4/06-08/12: 

If today is your birthday:  Venus  being in your House of Calm reveals your sensitive side when you try to negotiate peace during a Facebook comment war between your former high school classmates and former college chums starring their children dressed Easter outfits it is disturbing when all you want to do is eat cake and drink.

Aries: Your concerns about money could grow today as all your cash, wedding ring and iPhone are taken during a liquor store robbery. Saturday you discover your identity stolen

Taurus: Friday's Full Moon in objective Ceres lands in your Last House of Self-Worth, reminding you that as a childless, divorced 52 year old women society places no value on you. Saturday you go ahead and bang Jorge your mechanic, Sunday feel great remorse.

Gemini: You are eager to get out of the office this afternoon, which will be your undoing when Hans Gruber’s now grown son decides to take revenge on the Nakatomi Group but he made sure John McClane was nowhere around, so I guess it’s up to you, Yippeee-Ki-Yea Motherfucker!

           

Cancer: The Full Moon is falling in your 3rd House of Companions; however, it could be challenging to balance your needs with those of others especially when they are inanely telling you how their dogs are tired.

Leo: You're overflowing with good ideas for flamethrower and garden tool use this weekend, but it's tough to turn any of them into something practical. 

Virgo:  The Full Moon illuminates your 1st House of Deviancy, enabling you to widen your perspective and showing you a different way have sex 17 times this weekend, Sunday your mother will light a candle during mass for your soul.

Libra:  The traditional family Easter brunch will provide you with your highlight of the week when you discover that Aunt Anna and Cousin Jean can’t converse with you when there isn’t a relationship or job to ask about.

Scorpio: Once again your wickedly witty Tweets will be ignored, but all great men of your breed are often beleaguered by isolation; your life has transcended the paltry understanding of the masses be pleased with that alone.

Sagittarius: You are very sensitive to today's Full Moon as it reflects your need for self-worth in your 11th House of Temperament and to compensate for being a Holiday Inn Express night desk clerk you undoubtedly become the fastest cyclist on Rural Route 11. 

Capricorn:  When the boss remarks obliquely at 4:30, “Hate it when this happens,” looking right at you, try not to let it destroy the holiday weekend

Aquarius: Satisfaction may be found close at hand. But the Sun's presence in your 9th House of Adventure suggests you should go to Bed, Bath and Beyond and look for an embossed, bronze, LIVE LAUGH LOVE, picture frame to tie the room together.

Pisces: On Saturday take time to just look at the glass fly. It will be the best meth lab explosion in you’ll see in ages.

PETA Takes Legal Action Against Cadbury Chocolate and Its Clucking Bunny

CADBURY, UK – When it comes to protecting animals, PETA isn’t afraid of making bold statements and no one is safe from its line of fire. Shortly after its press release was sent to media outlets yesterday, PETA activists attacked the local Cadbury Chocolate factory entrance with 55 dozen colored Easter eggs and manure pies. Authorities were called to the factory and the activists were taken away while chanting, “Why not just crucify the bunny like you did with our Lord Savior Jesus Christ?” Their action and words almost lead to a physical altercation with factory workers who responded by yelling, “Bestiality is illegal, ya bugger!”

Yesterday's press release came out just days after PETA took legal action with a “Cease and Desist order” filed in a London court. The order called for Cadbury Chocolate to stop using their bunny rabbits in all advertising linked to the upcoming Easter holiday. “Cadbury has been on our radar for years,” says PETA spokesman Jonathan Mundenson. “They have been torturing and brainwashing those rabbits for years. We’re not exactly sure what methods they are using to make those rabbits cluck like chickens but it’s scary. It’s like a Jedi mind trick or something.” Mundenson, of course, is talking about the Easter commercials where a rabbit, which clucks like a chicken, ends up laying a chocolate Cadbury egg.

While the Pummelo’s request to speak with Cadbury Chocolate's legal counsel was not fulfilled, Cadbury spokesperson Marla Ebersan did provide us with the following statement, “All of Cadbury’s practices are legal. No animal has ever been harmed during our commercials or photo shoots. While we do have recipes and practices that are secretive, such as teaching our rabbits to cluck, we can assure everyone that we are a safe, ecological, and humane company.” When asked if Cadbury was going to fight the Cease and Desist order, Ebersan replied, “Of course we are! We can’t allow our secrets to go public. That’s like telling a toddler that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.”

Until this issue is resolved in the courts, Cadbury Judas will continue with its Jedi mind tricks and everyone will enjoy their chocolate on Easter Sunday.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry

Death & Dentistry Planned For 4/05/12: 

If today is your birthday: Once you accept that fantasies can appear as real now, you're more inclined to spend the time needed to adequately distinguish the fact you are Captain America from the fiction you’re a UPS delivery driver.

Aries: The planet positions this afternoon will present the perfect time to adjust and get the perfect shot on the President Ahmadinejad and setting the geopolitical balance on edge.

Taurus: Others value you for your ability to make practical decisions. With the Moon rising in your House of Mundane You may be called upon to do just that; especially concerning how to load the dishwasher.

Gemini:  With Venus rising in your House of Order your ideals and a sense of belonging to something bigger than the merely personal become greater focuses in your life so today is a good day to sendoff that “Quincy” fan club packet and sign the online petition for a Jack Klugman appearance on CSI Miami.

           

Cancer: Today you attach a great deal of importance to friendships and taking part in group activities that center on optimistic goals, like getting out of those chains and heading your own way to Columbia.

Leo: You crave to be with people today, and opportunity abounds especially since that homeless guy, Charlie, who has been outside the office also craves people, broiled mostly.

Virgo:  If a new investment opportunity should arise, bootleg Nikes, --go for it.

Libra:  A fear of asserting yourself can hold you back, and adversely effect your life, especially with the psycho bus driver intent on reaching Las Vegas in three hours from Phoenix.

Scorpio: Your key planet Venus titillates you with visions of romance, tempting you to drop everything for the possibility of love with the bath-salts addicted female alligator wrestler Mathias, whom your mom would find appalling.

Sagittarius:  You may be a bit anxious today because there are so many people you want to stab, yet you have trouble prioritizing your projects, stay calm take a warm bath and think about who presents the best opportunity.

Capricorn:  Your imagination is very active today, but even those closest to you might not realize how much paranoia you have going on behind that anxious and disturbed demeanor.

Aquarius: Don't trust anyone’s logic about being sick after being near that meteor strike, especially since you're able to bend reality in your favor.

Pisces: Sorry, the talks with Saturn broke down. It's medical experimentation for you

Your Daily Death and Dentistry

Death & Dentistry Planned For 4/03/12: 

If today is your birthday:  Your key planet Venus just entered interactive so try to reach out and help people today. As a start I suggest stopping neighbor Bob’s ritual witch dunking in the back yard of his neighbor Gwen.

Aries: You have been operating on old information ever since Ceres turned retrograde in your sign last month. However, no one has arrested you so it's now time to let go of the notion you left fingerprints all over the body and move on with your plans.

Taurus: You could feel increasingly uncomfortable as the day goes on, Taurus, that alien parasite inside you is really growing.

Gemini: You want to be with friends and to have a good time this evening. Any type of social activity could bring favorable results; bum burning has especially strong bonding results.

           

Cancer: Mercury turns direct into your 2^nd House of Secrets, so now is a good time to tell it like it is not, omitting details and including fantasies, especially when dealing with that chick you only want to go to bed with. 

Leo: Saturn is in retrograde turning away which results in you having a tendency to overreact. Now that you know this, you can temper your tantrum about your partner not giving into your ridiculous “Goldielocks” fantasy, and offer an alternative.

Virgo: In-depth discussions and probing conversations find you at your mental worst. No one will believe whatever you say about picking up that transsexual hooker and the three vials of meth.

Libra: You are moving through very tricky territory as the Moon returns to your sign and you canoe through rural Georgia, hearing those banjos mean it’s time to plan an escape.

Scorpio: Uncertainty is definitely on the rise as Neptune shifts from retrograde to direct. Today you will discover that man in the Postman’s uniform isn’t as trustworthy and nice as you thought.

Sagittarius:  Don't let self-doubt slip in; you have the Mac-10 for a reason. This is your time to stand tall and proud and not let those hooligans throw you off the parking deck.

Capricorn:  Your key planet Venus is buzzing with anticipation, or maybe that’s the sound of your wife’s three vibrators, hard to tell.

Aquarius: Focusing your intentions heightens your senses; your fixed purpose allows you to see right into the eyes of that rabid possum, scary isn’t it?

Pisces: Mercury in your house of Mischief leads you to replay childhood fantasies, but the staff at the rest home will not be enthused with your throwing water all over Grandma to see if she’s a witch game.

Sportsbook: Spring Season Week 3

Today’s Online Sportsbook Betting is sponsored by Southside Lou: the ultimate source for hardcore Sportsbook gamblers.

Shin-kicking – An ancient sport where the aim is simple: kick your opponent as hard as you can in the shins. Each time your opponent falls to the ground you earn a point. The winner is the person with the highest score in the best of three rounds. Competitors can also pad their legs with as much straw as possible. The current competition is being held in Chipping Campden, UK.

Week 3 odds for most points accumulated:

Wesley – 5/1 (Won his bout vs. O’Dell, but lost focus in the third round)

Smithson – 5/1 (Looked strong again despite receiving crotch kicks. Heckled Wesley)
Michaels – 12/1 (Wore more straw and was strong on defense. Kicks like an old lady)
Jorgenson – 12/1 (Offense is struggling. Is he wearing straw or bags of wet rice)
Smith – 14/1 (Wild boar leg attack shocked Michaels, now making wild boar grunt kicks)
Barton – 19/1 (Lost points for repeatedly putting his Size 16 foot in Smithson’s crotch)
O’Dell – 30/1 (Moved slow, got dominated, had his hand inside his pants the whole match)
Martin – 40/1 (Lost a boring match to Michaels. Like watching an old lady kick a trash can)

Orangutan Kickboxing – Originated in a theme park outside of Thailand and continues to draw huge crowds that cheer on Orangutans who wear boxing gloves and trade punches and spin kicks inside the ring. Each bout is three rounds and three minutes per round. The theme park is drawing fire from PETA while Thailand gambling parlors continue to encounter heavy betting traffic.

With no point spread, wagering involves money lines where you pick one fighter to win. The negative value indicates the favorite (-150) and the positive value indicates the underdog (+130). With the number 100 being the middle value, you would bet $150 (-150) to win $100

Week 3 match odds:

Branza Kahn vs. (-180) TKO vs Marbie. Almost DQ’ed for jamming his toe in Marbie’s eye
Shako (+150) Lost a split decision to Teekum. Will be the crowd favorite against Kahn

Mister Rodra vs. (-140) Dominated Joxin. Took at swing at the referee between rounds
Marbie (+300) Avoided a first round TKO to Kahn by doing summersaults in the ring

Joxin vs. (+200) Lost to Rodra, kept hopping around on one leg like a game of hopscotch
Admiral Teekum (-150) Won a close one over Shako. Was punching his trainer during 2^nd round break

Your Daily Death and Dentistry

Death & Dentistry Planned For 4/3/12:

If today is your birthday:  Like everyone, you need regular exercise to stay healthy. Unlike everyone, your wife will be screaming “Get the f--- away from the trees! Now, honey! Run!” Fortunately your energy is just right for getting some cardio in by rescuing your family from the Thing in the Woods!

Aries: Your thinking is solid and clear today, Aries, but other people could challenge your mental power. Don't let others put seeds of doubt in your head about how your newly discovered telepathic abilities work.

Taurus: The Mars, Jupiter alignment will give you something to think about today. Maybe a new attraction appears in your life out of nowhere when you have to take hostages after the Jared’s manager hits the alarm.

Gemini: You rack up a big win of some kind today -- one that calls attention to your ability to count cards. At least one person will let you know how much they don’t admire you. Tonight get to know some new people; ER nurses are good for this.

           

Cancer: People are watching, and learning from, your actions, so there is little room in your life for careless mistakes; however the Sun enters your 3rd House of Laziness today so getting anything actually accomplished except for watching Pink Panther cartoons on Youttube will be tough.

Leo: You are super-sensitive today and this can be rewarding or damaging, depending on how you handle it. Long range I see tears and a taxi driving her away so it seems you don’t handle it well.

Virgo: Controlling your emotions allows you to keep pace; reacting to every irritation only bogs down your efforts even further. Ultimately, if you focus on the bottom line, you'll be able to force Joey Hazelnuts to reveal who is the FBI informant in the organization.

Libra: At lunch you may find some books and theories on a few problem-solving techniques that would be helpful in the workplace. Also the planets are arranged just right for you and a loved one to visit a different religious group, today maybe you'll finally be able to sell your black cold soul to Azaroth or Mezklieth.

Scorpio: Taking stock of your relationship situation is at the top of your agenda with the objective Full Moon shining in your 4th House of Mistakes. Open your wallet to gain a new perspective on your personal life.

Sagittarius: Pioneering Mars enters the excitable shadow of Neptune this afternoon, making it hard to pay attention to the petty details of your daily life. However you still need to make sure Uncle Walt gets his medication or he may remember his own pioneering days and try and scalp you.

Capricorn:  Whether you're interested in travel, furthering your education, or starting a new business, your passion is likely to cool down when the Sun passes effusive Jupiter and you are run over and have a total of 66 broken bones and ruptured organs.

Aquarius: Your latest achievement in the realm of romance is something you should celebrate, so pat yourself on the back without noticing the meter maid watching from outside the window.

Pisces: Today that guy who lives in the park across from your house will have the mental concentration and discipline to work out the final details of a his project, rummaging through your wife, Addison’s closet leaving a big surprise for you both.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry

Death & Dentistry Planned For 4/2/12:  

If today is your birthday:  Although you're in a creative phase, it's challenging to turn your enthusiasm into production. Once your key planet Uranus turns direct you’ll see how many assholes you need to punish and how to best dispose of them in large numbers with poisoned Cadbury Crème Eggs.

Aries: You may be challenged to make a big decision early today when the Aries New Moon joins inflated Jupiter in bed with your girlfriend. Whether you choose to respond violently or with discretion will dictate how the rest of the day goes.

Taurus: You want to have sex and take care your spousal duties as efficiently as possible today so you have extra time to retreat into the privacy of your Pinterest boards. 

Gemini: The lunar shift into the intense depth of your 7th House of Greed this morning challenges you to push hard when you finally decide you want grandma’s fortune and throw her down the stairs.

           

Cancer: Even if you head back to work today, you're less interested in being productive than you are in socializing with your coworkers and dissecting the “Game of Thrones” premiere.

Leo: A major romantic breakthrough might occur about 3:24 this afternoon with the new UPS delivery girl lighting up your 5th House of Erection. Flirty Venus is cavorting through your sign now, encouraging you enhance your techniques, or remind you to use a lubricant and make sure you’re alone in the bathroom at work after the girl in brown leaves.

Virgo: The shadow of Saturn moves across your confidence today, and you aren't necessarily free from self-doubt, even if you're pretty sure that you weighted down the body enough that it won’t ever surface.

Libra: Try not to worry about anything that is outside of your control just now. Enjoy what you're doing at the moment and be open to the feedback you receive from the purple unicorns and giant koala after you lick that Snoopy stamp.

Scorpio: You are ready to push beyond your usual limits today as planets pile up in your 9th House of Acceleration and you attempt to find a way to pull the 747 bound for Singapore out of its dive and save all 457 passengers and crew.

Sagittarius: Impulsive acts could lead to stiff consequences when strict Judge Saturn opposes the postponement motion of your defense lawyers Sun and Moon in your murder case today.

Capricorn:  Your hot air balloon of life has gone off course, don't try to fight against the prevailing currents, just hope you’re not grounded when it hits those power lines.

Aquarius: Full Sun in objective arrives in your 7th House of Self-Worth, reminding you that changing everything about you in trying to make someone else content is the most reliable path to happiness.

Pisces: Your key planet Mars turns direct at 11:00 p.m., inspiring you to communicate your feelings with those you love, and discussing delicate subjects such as how you prefer not to be tied with duct tape when being pegged but rather simple twine will be easier.