Friday, April 6, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
CADBURY, UK – When it comes to protecting animals, PETA isn’t afraid of making bold statements and no one is safe from its line of fire. Shortly after its press release was sent to media outlets yesterday, PETA activists attacked the local Cadbury Chocolate factory entrance with 55 dozen colored Easter eggs and manure pies. Authorities were called to the factory and the activists were taken away while chanting, “Why not just crucify the bunny like you did with our Lord Savior Jesus Christ?” Their action and words almost lead to a physical altercation with factory workers who responded by yelling, “Bestiality is illegal, ya bugger!”
Yesterday's press release came out just days after PETA took legal action with a “Cease and Desist order” filed in a London court. The order called for Cadbury Chocolate to stop using their bunny rabbits in all advertising linked to the upcoming Easter holiday. “Cadbury has been on our radar for years,” says PETA spokesman Jonathan Mundenson. “They have been torturing and brainwashing those rabbits for years. We’re not exactly sure what methods they are using to make those rabbits cluck like chickens but it’s scary. It’s like a Jedi mind trick or something.” Mundenson, of course, is talking about the Easter commercials where a rabbit, which clucks like a chicken, ends up laying a chocolate Cadbury egg.
While the Pummelo’s request to speak with Cadbury Chocolate's legal counsel was not fulfilled, Cadbury spokesperson Marla Ebersan did provide us with the following statement, “All of Cadbury’s practices are legal. No animal has ever been harmed during our commercials or photo shoots. While we do have recipes and practices that are secretive, such as teaching our rabbits to cluck, we can assure everyone that we are a safe, ecological, and humane company.” When asked if Cadbury was going to fight the Cease and Desist order, Ebersan replied, “Of course we are! We can’t allow our secrets to go public. That’s like telling a toddler that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.”
Until this issue is resolved in the courts, Cadbury Judas will continue with its Jedi mind tricks and everyone will enjoy their chocolate on Easter Sunday.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Today’s Online Sportsbook Betting is sponsored by Southside Lou: the ultimate source for hardcore Sportsbook gamblers.
Shin-kicking – An ancient sport where the aim is simple: kick your opponent as hard as you can in the shins. Each time your opponent falls to the ground you earn a point. The winner is the person with the highest score in the best of three rounds. Competitors can also pad their legs with as much straw as possible. The current competition is being held in Chipping Campden, UK.
Week 3 odds for most points accumulated:
Wesley – 5/1 (Won his bout vs. O’Dell, but lost focus in the third round)
Smithson – 5/1 (Looked strong again despite receiving crotch kicks. Heckled Wesley)
Michaels – 12/1 (Wore more straw and was strong on defense. Kicks like an old lady)
Jorgenson – 12/1 (Offense is struggling. Is he wearing straw or bags of wet rice)
Smith – 14/1 (Wild boar leg attack shocked Michaels, now making wild boar grunt kicks)
Barton – 19/1 (Lost points for repeatedly putting his Size 16 foot in Smithson’s crotch)
O’Dell – 30/1 (Moved slow, got dominated, had his hand inside his pants the whole match)
Martin – 40/1 (Lost a boring match to Michaels. Like watching an old lady kick a trash can)
Orangutan Kickboxing – Originated in a theme park outside of Thailand and continues to draw huge crowds that cheer on Orangutans who wear boxing gloves and trade punches and spin kicks inside the ring. Each bout is three rounds and three minutes per round. The theme park is drawing fire from PETA while Thailand gambling parlors continue to encounter heavy betting traffic.
With no point spread, wagering involves money lines where you pick one fighter to win. The negative value indicates the favorite (-150) and the positive value indicates the underdog (+130). With the number 100 being the middle value, you would bet $150 (-150) to win $100
Week 3 match odds:
Branza Kahn vs. (-180) TKO vs Marbie. Almost DQ’ed for jamming his toe in Marbie’s eye
Shako (+150) Lost a split decision to Teekum. Will be the crowd favorite against Kahn
Mister Rodra vs. (-140) Dominated Joxin. Took at swing at the referee between rounds
Marbie (+300) Avoided a first round TKO to Kahn by doing summersaults in the ring
Joxin vs. (+200) Lost to Rodra, kept hopping around on one leg like a game of hopscotch
Admiral Teekum (-150) Won a close one over Shako. Was punching his trainer during 2nd round break