Your Weekend Death and Dentistry

Death & Dentistry For 4/13-15/12: 

If today is your birthday: Expect some major financial losses if you allow someone else to handle your money this weekend especially your spouse who ha coupons for Home Depot, Hobby Lobby or your son who wants to try “Bath Salts” because he heard it was better than meth. So, to celebrate your birthday I’d just go to Vegas alone.

Aries: The Last Quarter Sun-Moon Phase will be affecting you, putting you in a bad mood all weekend especially Saturday when you’re woken with the scream, "POLICE! SEARCH WARRANT!"

Taurus: Mars comes out of retrograde today, so after weeks of hearing “You’re sweet. You’re funny. You’re intelligent and nice to your mother, but let’s wait.” You’ll finally have sex with Amy and it will be a waste of time

Gemini: Career matters could be going better right now; the internal affairs and attorney general’s investigations have really cut into your cash flow. Take the weekend, go to a game, take in a show, find some hookers do some blow.

Cancer: Eris direct in your 3^rd House of Regret means it's time to jettison anything that's extraneous or redundant, like the bartender at the Grog. Keep in mind that people can do the same with you.

Leo: One of your family has been thinking about you lately. You will be made aware of this sometime this weekend when you brakes go out, and when your roommate is blown to bits Sunday starting your car.

Virgo: You must stop avoiding the difficult issues; Mom’s body isn’t going to dispose of itself.

Libra: Neighbor Phil may take offence to your actions regarding the mulberry tree, so remember you are on dangerous ground with a sworn enemy.

Scorpio: Sorry, the Magic Eightball keeps telling Mars  to “ask again later”

Sagittarius: By Sunday friends and family will be concerned since you won’t be updating your Facebook status for almost three days, but with Jupiter entering you 7th House of Regret you’ll be alone drinking tequila al weekend so what is there to say?

Capricorn: When Quaoar rises it is means new stress without the support of anyone who cares, so hope you have been storing your own blood at St. Ann’s Mercy Hospital.

Aquarius: If you act as if you are really bothered by the Milton stapler incident even though you’re not then you’ll get to spend the weekend in the hot temp’s bed, easily worth it.

Pisces: Some nervous tension and strain can be expected this weekend but considerable success will be achieved once the third casino is hit and you’re on your way to Belieze.

Medical Update: His Jimmy isn’t Working but He’s Still Performing

ERECT, NC – Back in November of 2011, the Pummelo reported on Bill Fozdoe who had encountered electrical burns all over his crotch while trying to duplicate an Israeli medical study that helped men with erectile dysfunction. (See Shocking Your Monkey – 11/29/11) Mr. Fozdoe’s procedure was obviously not successful and the last time we spoke with him, Bill had set up a fund and was asking the public to assist him with his medical costs. Nearly five months later, the Pummelo has returned to North Carolina to follow up on Mr. Fozdoe’s condition.

“Well,” Bill said as he sat in a lawn chair outside of his modular home, “the community didn’t donate very much money for my medical bills. We have currently received $9.82 but even though they aren’t giving us money, they are being very generous by helping us with food and meals.” When we agreed that food and meals were helpful and kind, we quickly realized, as Bill talked, that it was not the community’s intent to be generous. “Yeah,” Bill continued, “we’ve been eating pretty well lately but we’re getting tired of eating the same old stuff. The grocery stores must be having a big sale on this stuff.” When we asked Mr. Fozdoe what kind of meals he was receiving, he replied with, “We’ve been getting tons of hot dogs, hot dog buns, cans of beanie weenies, big sausages, breakfast sausages, little smokies, and boxes of frozen pigs in a blanket. Hell, a few people even gave us bandages and aloe. Everyone’s been real nice and all but we’re just tired of eating hot dogs, sausages, and all that stuff.”

When we asked Mr. Fozdoe about his medical treatment he said that the doctor has been treating him for 3^rd degree burns. “When I realized that I might not ever get my Jimmy back, we took a letter from my doctor and some pictures to some companies who donate money to see if they would help us. No one liked the pictures. In fact, we almost got arrested a couple of times,” Bill said with a slight chuckle. “We took that letter and them pictures to lots of businesses in Charlotte but we didn’t have no success. But just when we were about to give up, a nice lady who works at a Planned Parenthood in Charlotte told us to meet her after work and that she could help us out a little.”

We asked if the woman’s generosity helped out significantly and that’s when Bill’s face lit up. “Hell yeah it did. We met the lady after work and she said although the clinic couldn’t give any money, she had found a way to help us and keep our marriage as normal as possible.” Mr. Fozdoe stopped telling his story and seemed to drift away with one of his memories until we asked what the lady had done for them. He got up, went into his trailer and returned with a strap-on dildo. “She gave us this!” he said proudly, “it doesn’t really do much for me but it makes the Mrs. very happy. And I have all the stamina in the world now!”

Bill informed us that they still have the fund available if anyone wants to contribute to his medical bills. Until then, he will continue to strap one on for his wife and eat all of the donated hot dogs, sausages, beanie weenies, and pigs in the blanket that come his way.

If you are interested in donating to Mr. Fozdoe’s medical fund, send checks or money orders to:

Need a New Jimmy
RR 2 – Box 32
Erect, North Carolina 27341

Your Daily Death and Dentistry

Death & Dentistry For 4/12/12: 

If today is your birthday: Today the judge will rule in your favor. Do not let victory go to your head; you can still only do exactly 1.5 pull-ups.

Aries: You need to deal with the fact that someone knows you volunteer at the Liberace museum, and that you killed a truck stop waitress.

Taurus: Tornados in Alabama will destroy your life’s greatest accomplishment today when the winds rip the warehouse storing that “Zaxxon” you score the 148 million on in 1985 apart.

Gemini: Keep in mind that Ed, the occasionally violent, satellite dish installer may feel especially sullen with today's planetary alignment

Cancer: With Saturn turning  into full you’ll feel compelled to check on an old flame today in doing so proceed carefully because there may be a few traps buried in the shadows under the windows.

Leo: The trick in getting away with stuff is telling people lies

Virgo: Pluto enters your 5^th House of Drama and you have to listen to huge lecture from accounting about how you dared enjoy a decent meal while courting that new account.

Libra: I’m not as knowledgeable on the folklore of the Native American tribes as I could be, but I think being hunted by a pack of coyotes for over a month and having 1,000crows slip into your house is a bad thing.

Scorpio: Mars going too far in one direction will lead you in the exact opposite direction you need and want to go to reconcile with your estranged, extremely wealthy father.

Sagittarius: Today it may seem like the universe is not on your side after being worked over with baseball bats by a bunch of Justin Bieber fans for your remark about his gender.

Capricorn: When Pluto rises in direct it is always a challenging time for you because the Scentsy mobsters are demanding more house parties.

Aquarius: Jupiter is now offering a foolproof method of actualizing your inner potential, mostly it involves eating a lot of KFC as comfort food since your inner potential is that of a 400 pound fatty.

Pisces: As you hang over a bubbling cauldron of boiling oil, steam scalding you flesh remember never to choose your mother’s opinion over your wife’s.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry

Death & Dentistry For 4/11/12: 

If today is your birthday: Today, you’ll feel trapped, be caressed by the heat, see the smoke, and hear the crackling flames. The good news is that an emotional relationship could come about with your rescuer once the oxygen revives you.

Aries: You’re struggling with a persistent issue, for the typist/sniper in the next building over, is targeting you. That’s what this red dot on your forehead is, not a medical condition.

Taurus: With Ceres in retrograde you are feeling insensitive toward others however constantly singing theme songs to ‘80s TV shows is likely to bring unintended consequences.

Gemini: With Venus in your 3rd House of Passion You will be reminded today of the happier times from the past when human ears were given as tokens of admiration not warnings.

Cancer: With Saturn turning  into full you’ll feel compelled to check on an old flame today in doing so proceed carefully because there may be a few traps buried in the shadows under the windows.

Leo: Your current restlessness prompts you to think about making changes that enable you to seek your true passion, haunting the hospital chapel seeking grief sex.

Virgo: The peculiar aspects of Jupiter are compelling you to be an asshole and call your father to sell him better termite insurance.

Libra: Passionate Mars finally stops pursuing you after seeing the flabby inch you can pinch on your thighs.

Scorpio: You may do nearly anything today to avoid emotional interaction because of your strong misanthropic vision of humanity.

Sagittarius: As the Sun wanes it's a really good time for you to show your friends new possibilities of combining Lego’s, Lincoln logs, and K'NEX.

Capricorn: With Mercury in full your energy is high you can get across even the most complicated ideas today, a whale is a mammal, not a fish, so don't be shy.

Aquarius: We all have a day like this once in a while, from a Kierkegaard perspective of course, so give yourself a break and just cry it off.

Pisces: What society believes is ideal may conflict with how you see yourself, it is perfectly ok to ignore Pledge Week on NPR.

Sportsbook: Spring Season Week 4

Today’s Online Sportsbook Betting is sponsored by Southside Lou: the ultimate source for hardcore Sportsbook gamblers.

Shin-kicking – An ancient sport where the aim is simple: kick your opponent as hard as you can in the shins. Each time your opponent falls to the ground you earn a point. The winner is the person with the highest score in the best of three rounds. Competitors can also pad their legs with as much straw as possible. The current competition is being held in Chipping Campden, UK.

Week 4 odds for most points accumulated:

Smithson – 5/1 (Surprising how he dominated Smith. Continued to heckle Wesley)
Wesley – 8/1 (Won a split decision vs. Barton, appeared to have a hangover)
Smith – 18/1 (Showed his inexperience and even started cussing at Smithson)
Barton – 25/1 (Lost the match & lost points again for crotch kicking)
Michaels – 15/1 (Strong on defense again. Mocked by crowd for weak kicks)
Jorgenson – 30/1 (Has no offensive plan. Looks a blind man kicking)
O’Dell – 40/1 (Lost badly. Rumor is that he might have crabs & that’s why he always scratches)
Martin – 60/1 (Don’t know has the worst offense, Martin or Jorgenson)

Orangutan Kickboxing – Originated in a theme park outside of Thailand and continues to draw huge crowds that cheer on Orangutans who wear boxing gloves and trade punches and spin kicks inside the ring. Each bout is three rounds and three minutes per round. The theme park is drawing fire from PETA while Thailand gambling parlors continue to encounter heavy betting traffic.

With no point spread, wagering involves money lines where you pick one fighter to win. The negative value indicates the favorite (-150) and the positive value indicates the underdog (+130). With the number 100 being the middle value, you would bet $150 (-150) to win $100

Week 4 match odds:

Shako vs. (-160) TKO’d vs Kahn. Lost overall points for biting Kahn’s leg.
Marbie (+300) Tried to check Rodra for bugs. Received TKO in 2^nd round. Might get hurt.

Branza Kahn vs. (-200) TKO vs Shako. Spit at the crowd after the fight.
Joxin (+280) Valiant effort to lose a split decision to Teekum. Becoming crowd favorite.

Mister Rodra vs. (-140) Dominated again. Jumped on Marbie’s stomach while he was down.
Admiral Teekum (+150) Didn’t look like himself vs Joxin. Took his shorts off before 3^rd round.

Did Derelict "Ghost Ship" Carry Spawn Of Cthulhu

Is this the spawn of Cthulhu?

Queen Charlotte Islands, British Columbia – Call the Mystery Inc. kids or the Mythbusters or maybe the Ghostbusters because something is going on off the coast of British Columbia.

The U.S. Coast Guard had intended to sink a Japanese "ghost ship" today that was first spotted adrift off the coast last month, it was believed to be a derelict vessel that was ripped from its moorings during the March 2011 tsunami in northern Japan.

The unmanned 54-metre vessel is riding ocean currents toward Alaska and is considered a potential hazard to shipping. However the “ghost ship” is now under the watchful eye and supervision of two United States Coast Guard Osprey unit cutters after an unusual discovery.

The original plan for a Coast Guard ship to come alongside and blast holes in the ship's hull with a 25-millimetre cannon has now been changed after four coast guardsman boarded the boat to make sure it was absolutely empty discovered something inexplicable.

While details are sketchy a photo was released of what appears to be a mutant creature of some sort. It is unknown if this was something that the former crew had found someplace and were keeping in storage or exactly what.

U.S. Coast Guard Petty Officer 1st Class David Mosley said that he and the U.S, State Department are working with the  Japan Maritime Self-Defense Force using the identifying numbers on the ship and the information found in the ships transponder to see if any information on this odd bit of lost cargo can be found.

The mystery mutant remains are of a body just .6 meters in length (1’ 11”). It has a head size far disproportionate in size to the body with what appear to be six tentacle like appendages, has 2 arms and has two legs just like humans.

"This is an abomination,” said Mosley in a news conference after the creature was found. “It bothers me because it looks like the sea spawn of Cthulhu, and four men have had to be hospitalized with hallucinations, they found it alive when and it was in its death throes, I’m glad its dead. I hope we get orders soon to put that ship under deep waters, and incinerate this thing because I’m having nightmares and last week my dog gave birth to turtles, yes Goddamit turtles!”

Petty Officer 1st Class Leonard McKenzie, the unit physician, closed the news conference at that point and helped Mosley away.

Reports of sleep disturbances and odd animal behavior have increased from Port Townsend Washington to Old Massett, B.C in the last week.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry

Death & Dentistry For 4/10/12: 

If today is your birthday:  Each year, you dream of glory. It’s time. If you want to eat that bag of salt n’ vinegar chips entirely on your own, then do it!  If someone begins cutting you down or feeding you negative energy, you need to stand up to them tell them they can’t have any cake and kick them in the crotch

Aries: The domestic scene takes on less appeal this afternoon and a it will be waste of effort to sort out those relationship problems. A syringe full of Restoril and throwing your partner in a loaded coal car headed west are better uses of that effort.

Taurus: Pluto moving into retrograde means this is a great time to plan some occasion with your family. The reading of Uncle Henry’s will after a tragic accident or your missionary brother’s unnecessary, but humiliating, intervention are two fun possibilities.

Gemini: Pluto in retrograde also strongly affects you Gemini, remember not to fall back on your old ways today, stabbing left too much evidence,  you need to keep using strangulation if you want to succeed!

           

Cancer: A waning gibbous Moon is releasing the reins; however, it means you will have a difficult time concentrating on more important things like polishing the glass statues in the master’s house.

Leo: You need to deal with someone whose idea of restraint is using an electric hedge trimmer at 5:30 am rather than his gas powered one. Show him there is little difference in the noise, as both will drown out his scream, but that the gas powered is more efficient.

Virgo:  Ask yourself where you would like to be in five years, now start walking there because you’ll save a lot of money without outlandish fuel and travel costs.

Libra:  Romance is in the air tonight, or casual sex, or maybe just a distraction of higher pheromones as a couple of women in the office are verging on ovulation. You’ll figure it out because you know everything about women, and the oddities and complexities of their ladyparts.

Scorpio: Life should seem richer, more satisfying and more fun because you feel a special bond with your Garden Gnomes now that the ice and cold have fled for another six months.

Sagittarius: As the Moon wanes it is only partially lighting your 1st House of Self Worth making this a good time to talk with your friends Miss Prissy, Dumbledonkey, Barbar and Cornelius Bear to make plans for your next tea party.

Capricorn: Your energy is high and your creative juices are ready to be applied to work, unfortunately your just once again are just running the compactor of the garbage truck.

Aquarius: Mentally and physically, you are in tiptop shape, it’s the emotional where the walls have collapsed and you just can’t deal with another single demand from people needing help while you’re on patrol, good thing you have pepper spray and a taser.

Pisces: You may have a mad desire to do nothing but eat Pop-Tarts and watch porn today, and since the surveillance software is disabled you have the opportunity.

Pummelo Arts: Three Poems

Past Years

Walked Main Street yesterday

I paused to look in windows

Minutes then Years Passed

The calendar turned askew.

It all leaves too soon.

Once there were real people

Real things bartered and sold

Where the polite hello wasn’t

But the real How do was

Where people lived

Time and journeys

Expansion and contraction

Moving on wins again.

And Then

Thumbing my way home

Prodigal hopes for a fatted calf

Pretty unreal after all I’ve said

I think back to that circus in the back yard

The time I cut Suzy Jenkins in half

Little brother called me a liar then.

I remember the sparklers late one night

This time Suzy threatened me

The swings move lazy then

Then Suzy moved away

She went up to Winnipeg

Trouble started then

I needed inspiration

Searched in heroin tar

Lost in to many bars then

I walked away one night

After a real bitter fight with family

Lean and hungry years then

20 years past somewhere

Lot mistakes trying to live, to love

Found a reason got clean then

Still hear Mom’s voice on the wind

Wish she wasn’t the reason

I’m finally walking home, but what then

Sins

She was a wicked drunk

Truthfully,

She was a pale imitation of a mother sober.

Still I stand here weeping because she is gone

She bought us ice cream once

Sad or funny, that was our moment

I don’t miss her, I cry for reality

I made the best of a pitiful situation

So do my kids, 

Meantime, three fingers of scotch

Should clear these tears right up

Easter Bunny Capture Acknowledged As A Hoax

Clayton Hayes with genetically modified hoax

TUCSON, AZ – Clayton Hayes and Eric Hayes quietly came forward this morning to acknowledge that they have spent the last year living a lie and that they defrauded the public when selling tickets at their Tucson home for visitors to see the fabled “Easter Bunny”

Last year the Hayes announced to the world they had captured the bunny Easter morning and parapsychologists, cryptozoologists and fabulists who investigated the claim could find no evidence that the Hayes could be lying. No eggs were found in a four mile radius of the home or in the westerly direction that the Easter Bunny was calculated as having traveled. Genetic tests were unremarkable but that was viewed as further proof that the trapping of a great supernatural power had been done as trapping and confinement usually affects their sovereignty.

So this year when Easter rolled around many parents warned their children that with the mythical rabbit still in a cage there may not be any real Egg hunts or gifts except those that parents were able to invest time in.

However, yesterday thousands of children awoke to discover hidden eggs and gift baskets under trees. There were some other magical effects also seen by observers including light shifts and the birth of baby chicks and bunnies five times the probable numbers.

Given the events of yesterday when press descended on the Hayes home the family still had their large rabbit caged, so the questions began. This morning the Hayes faced with resounding evidence they have spent the last year lying admitted they played a large hoax.

“I had been breeding and playing with rabbits for years,” said Clayton Hayes. “I just started producing larger and larger rabbits and suddenly I had this giant, and well one thing led to another and we decided to use this opportunity to help our finances out.”

Eric Hayes apologized to the children of Tucson and anyone who had visited the Hayes home and promised to reimburse anyone who produced a receipt they visited the Hayes ranch.

“This was wrong,” said Eric Hayes. “I apologize to the parents, but most importantly to the children and the Easter Bunny himself for trying to steal the wonder and magic of a child’s holiday,”

Your Daily Death and Dentistry

Death & Dentistry For 4/09/12: 

If today is your birthday:  Your support system--family, home, those who give you hope and comfort have come to a conclusion, that they’re all suffering from a mass delusion and that you don’t exist. Happy Birthday!

Aries: Don't assume that others are resisting your unorthodox religious philosophy; they just might not want to get too close to you since you’re covered in goats entrails and smell like a slaughter house.

Taurus: Mars is in objective, and the bank account is overdrawn which means you are able to dispense with some of the unessential such as your right kidney.

Gemini: If a co-worker suggests to you a proposal with potential today, quietly throw them down an elevator shaft then take the proposal for yourself.

           

Cancer: Saturn’s presence in your 3rd House of Desire means that you’ll finally reunite with your ex on Springer and discover whether you’re a daddy or not.

Leo: After the accidents with the lawn mower and hedge trimmer you’ll need to create a new routine gradually; learning to use your prosthetics will take time.

Virgo: Pluto occupies your 5th House of Deep Shame tonight, stretching your sexual confusion after the threesome with the blow-up doll and the hermit crab.

Libra: A religious awaking is slowly dawning on you as you realize that God actually hates you and He is in fact responsible for all your failures in life. 

Scorpio: Self-worth becomes important today after six men in uniform come and beat you with batons, so it might be a good time to examine if protesting the level of glaze on your donuts is worth the effort

Sagittarius: Although personal obligations continue to demand your attention, you must make time to drink that old gypsy’s formula to secure your future as a well renowned sexual athlete. The world is waiting.

Capricorn: With quirky Mercury traveling through your 11th House of Materialism today you’ll be compelled to spend all your funds on animal crackers, the unfrosted kind.

Aquarius: An old Chinese guy is going to curse you for the refrigerator magnets you stole, this is going to get really entertaining.

Pisces: Respectful people will not ask an ugly person “Who mutilated your face?”  Guess what kind of people you’ll meet today.