Friday, April 13, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
ERECT, NC – Back in November of 2011, the Pummelo reported on Bill Fozdoe who had encountered electrical burns all over his crotch while trying to duplicate an Israeli medical study that helped men with erectile dysfunction. (See Shocking Your Monkey – 11/29/11) Mr. Fozdoe’s procedure was obviously not successful and the last time we spoke with him, Bill had set up a fund and was asking the public to assist him with his medical costs. Nearly five months later, the Pummelo has returned to North Carolina to follow up on Mr. Fozdoe’s condition.
“Well,” Bill said as he sat in a lawn chair outside of his modular home, “the community didn’t donate very much money for my medical bills. We have currently received $9.82 but even though they aren’t giving us money, they are being very generous by helping us with food and meals.” When we agreed that food and meals were helpful and kind, we quickly realized, as Bill talked, that it was not the community’s intent to be generous. “Yeah,” Bill continued, “we’ve been eating pretty well lately but we’re getting tired of eating the same old stuff. The grocery stores must be having a big sale on this stuff.” When we asked Mr. Fozdoe what kind of meals he was receiving, he replied with, “We’ve been getting tons of hot dogs, hot dog buns, cans of beanie weenies, big sausages, breakfast sausages, little smokies, and boxes of frozen pigs in a blanket. Hell, a few people even gave us bandages and aloe. Everyone’s been real nice and all but we’re just tired of eating hot dogs, sausages, and all that stuff.”
When we asked Mr. Fozdoe about his medical treatment he said that the doctor has been treating him for 3rd degree burns. “When I realized that I might not ever get my Jimmy back, we took a letter from my doctor and some pictures to some companies who donate money to see if they would help us. No one liked the pictures. In fact, we almost got arrested a couple of times,” Bill said with a slight chuckle. “We took that letter and them pictures to lots of businesses in Charlotte but we didn’t have no success. But just when we were about to give up, a nice lady who works at a Planned Parenthood in Charlotte told us to meet her after work and that she could help us out a little.”
We asked if the woman’s generosity helped out significantly and that’s when Bill’s face lit up. “Hell yeah it did. We met the lady after work and she said although the clinic couldn’t give any money, she had found a way to help us and keep our marriage as normal as possible.” Mr. Fozdoe stopped telling his story and seemed to drift away with one of his memories until we asked what the lady had done for them. He got up, went into his trailer and returned with a strap-on dildo. “She gave us this!” he said proudly, “it doesn’t really do much for me but it makes the Mrs. very happy. And I have all the stamina in the world now!”
Bill informed us that they still have the fund available if anyone wants to contribute to his medical bills. Until then, he will continue to strap one on for his wife and eat all of the donated hot dogs, sausages, beanie weenies, and pigs in the blanket that come his way.
If you are interested in donating to Mr. Fozdoe’s medical fund, send checks or money orders to:
Need a New Jimmy
RR 2 – Box 32
Erect, North Carolina 27341
Aries: You need to deal with the fact that someone knows you volunteer at the Liberace museum, and that you killed a truck stop waitress.
Taurus: Tornados in Alabama will destroy your life’s greatest accomplishment today when the winds rip the warehouse storing that “Zaxxon” you score the 148 million on in 1985 apart.
Gemini: Keep in mind that Ed, the occasionally violent, satellite dish installer may feel especially sullen with today's planetary alignment
Cancer: With Saturn turning into full you’ll feel compelled to check on an old flame today in doing so proceed carefully because there may be a few traps buried in the shadows under the windows.
Leo: The trick in getting away with stuff is telling people lies
Virgo: Pluto enters your 5th House of Drama and you have to listen to huge lecture from accounting about how you dared enjoy a decent meal while courting that new account.
Libra: I’m not as knowledgeable on the folklore of the Native American tribes as I could be, but I think being hunted by a pack of coyotes for over a month and having 1,000crows slip into your house is a bad thing.
Scorpio: Mars going too far in one direction will lead you in the exact opposite direction you need and want to go to reconcile with your estranged, extremely wealthy father.
Sagittarius: Today it may seem like the universe is not on your side after being worked over with baseball bats by a bunch of Justin Bieber fans for your remark about his gender.
Capricorn: When Pluto rises in direct it is always a challenging time for you because the Scentsy mobsters are demanding more house parties.
Aquarius: Jupiter is now offering a foolproof method of actualizing your inner potential, mostly it involves eating a lot of KFC as comfort food since your inner potential is that of a 400 pound fatty.
Pisces: As you hang over a bubbling cauldron of boiling oil, steam scalding you flesh remember never to choose your mother’s opinion over your wife’s.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Today’s Online Sportsbook Betting is sponsored by Southside Lou: the ultimate source for hardcore Sportsbook gamblers.
Shin-kicking – An ancient sport where the aim is simple: kick your opponent as hard as you can in the shins. Each time your opponent falls to the ground you earn a point. The winner is the person with the highest score in the best of three rounds. Competitors can also pad their legs with as much straw as possible. The current competition is being held in Chipping Campden, UK.
Week 4 odds for most points accumulated:
Smithson – 5/1 (Surprising how he dominated Smith. Continued to heckle Wesley)
Wesley – 8/1 (Won a split decision vs. Barton, appeared to have a hangover)
Smith – 18/1 (Showed his inexperience and even started cussing at Smithson)
Barton – 25/1 (Lost the match & lost points again for crotch kicking)
Michaels – 15/1 (Strong on defense again. Mocked by crowd for weak kicks)
Jorgenson – 30/1 (Has no offensive plan. Looks a blind man kicking)
O’Dell – 40/1 (Lost badly. Rumor is that he might have crabs & that’s why he always scratches)
Martin – 60/1 (Don’t know has the worst offense, Martin or Jorgenson)
Orangutan Kickboxing – Originated in a theme park outside of Thailand and continues to draw huge crowds that cheer on Orangutans who wear boxing gloves and trade punches and spin kicks inside the ring. Each bout is three rounds and three minutes per round. The theme park is drawing fire from PETA while Thailand gambling parlors continue to encounter heavy betting traffic.
With no point spread, wagering involves money lines where you pick one fighter to win. The negative value indicates the favorite (-150) and the positive value indicates the underdog (+130). With the number 100 being the middle value, you would bet $150 (-150) to win $100
Week 4 match odds:
Shako vs. (-160) TKO’d vs Kahn. Lost overall points for biting Kahn’s leg.
Marbie (+300) Tried to check Rodra for bugs. Received TKO in 2nd round. Might get hurt.
Branza Kahn vs. (-200) TKO vs Shako. Spit at the crowd after the fight.
Joxin (+280) Valiant effort to lose a split decision to Teekum. Becoming crowd favorite.
Mister Rodra vs. (-140) Dominated again. Jumped on Marbie’s stomach while he was down.
Admiral Teekum (+150) Didn’t look like himself vs Joxin. Took his shorts off before 3rd round.
|Is this the spawn of Cthulhu?|
Monday, April 9, 2012
Clayton Hayes with genetically modified hoax