If today is your birthday: Your weekend may be filled with social and romantic activities. Defensive, contentious, nasty, bitter, violent, abusive and heartbreaking social and romantic activities.
Aries: Once you realize that it is your pleasant attitude towards others that is holding you back you’ll start making fat jokes about your in-laws and just become the asshole you’re meant to be.
Taurus: Try to avoid making promises you can't keep this weekend, particularly about survival on Sunday, which will the most intense day of your life thus far.
Gemini: With the new Moon in your 1st House of Bi-Polar Disorders this is an excellent time to feign shame over being drunk and promiscuous all weekend.
Cancer: The situation that you have been worrying about comes to pass when you actually have to watch a Project Runway marathon with your wife.
Leo: With Mercury rising in your 4th House of Prurience this weekend you really want to know about fetish sex, and will find plenty information watching Neighbor Bob and his wife Kaitlyn
Virgo: You will find it difficult to launch into the most glamorous suicide of all time stuck in Ottumwa, Iowa for the weekend which increases your despair.
Libra: Searching for basic human dignity at a Klan rally will prove to be impossible.
Scorpio: The ancient Sumerians had a lot of curses we’re unaware of, Saturday you get to discover one.
Sagittarius: The challenge of all adult humanity is to see in other people the same joys you find in your own reflection. This is a good reason to avoid mirrors.
Capricorn: A well planned romantic weekend with the intention or proposing to the love of your life, Chaos Theory will ruin it for you.
Aquarius: Everyone, at some point, has felt anger about being inconvenienced when helping out a loved one on a Saturday, few people take it to the point of putting that person in a room full of ravenous rats, you may have anger problems.
Pisces: You haven’t seen Aunt Eugnia for 5 years, so just because she is in ICU and asking fir you doesn’t mean it can’t wait three days.