Your Weekend Death and Dentistry

Death & Dentistry For 4/20-22/12: 

If today is your birthday: Your weekend may be filled with social and romantic activities. Defensive, contentious, nasty, bitter, violent, abusive and heartbreaking social and romantic activities.

Aries: Once you realize that it is your pleasant attitude towards others that is holding you back you’ll start making fat jokes about your in-laws and just become the asshole you’re meant to be.

Taurus:  Try to avoid making promises you can't keep this weekend, particularly about survival on Sunday, which will the most intense day of your life thus far.

Gemini: With the new Moon in your 1^st House of Bi-Polar Disorders this is an excellent time to feign shame over being drunk and promiscuous all weekend.

Cancer: The situation that you have been worrying about comes to pass when you actually have to watch a Project Runway marathon with your wife.

Leo: With Mercury rising in your 4^th House of Prurience this weekend you really want to know about fetish sex, and will find plenty information watching Neighbor Bob and his wife Kaitlyn

Virgo: You will find it difficult to launch into the most glamorous suicide of all time stuck in Ottumwa, Iowa for the weekend which increases your despair.

Libra: Searching for basic human dignity at a Klan rally will prove to be impossible.   

Scorpio:  The ancient Sumerians had a lot of curses we’re unaware of, Saturday you get to discover one.

Sagittarius: The challenge of all adult humanity is to see in other people the same joys you find in your own reflection. This is a good reason to avoid mirrors.

Capricorn: A well planned romantic weekend with the intention or proposing to the love of your life, Chaos Theory will ruin it for you.

Aquarius: Everyone, at some point, has felt anger about being inconvenienced when helping out a loved one on a Saturday, few people take it to the point of putting that person in a room full of ravenous rats, you may have anger problems.

Pisces: You haven’t seen Aunt Eugnia for 5 years, so just because she is in ICU and asking fir you doesn’t mean it can’t wait three days.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, April 19 2012

Death & Dentistry For 4/19/12: 

If today is your birthday: Jean-Paul Sartre said, “Hell is other people,” today, after a staff lunch catered by Moe’s, you’ll discover “Hell is other people's farts.”

Aries: You will awaken from a nap to unnecessary pain and anguish. 

Taurus:  Instead of praise, try to point out the negative in everyone and you will see incredible results in vengeance and retaliation from others.

Gemini: With total darkness of the new moon, this is an excellent time to be setting goals and pursuing your ambitions of being a cat burglar.

Cancer: So you’re not in the mood to watch TV for 11 hours, make it an even 10 and go back to bed.

Leo: A time of relative peace in Europe will soon end because of your idiocy in Strasbourg today.

Virgo: A car, a squirrel, a moment of terrible sadness and grief.

Libra: Well, you have one thing going for you; your life is duller than a potato setting in a bin of potatoes!                                                                                                     

Scorpio:  Haven’t you read one news story? A white kitchen garbage bag is the worst way to try and hide and dispose of a body.

Sagittarius:  God is sending you to the wickedest place of all, a land of decay and lechery, Ottumwa, Iowa where you will testify to his will for people to have flood insurance.

Capricorn: Pretty rude of you to refuse a handjob in the gym sauna, there will be ramifications.

Aquarius: In your wife’s defense, you have a tiny carrot.

Pisces: It looks like for the foreseeable future, the next 67 years, your dating schedule is unsurprisingly light

Dick Clark Just Got Tired of Watching Balls Drop

PURGATORY - Dick Clark may have passed away today just before celebrating his 67th consecutive 16th birthday, but that doesn't mean that he isn't celebrating right now. In fact, we confirmed this by throwing an impromptu seance at the Washington bureau this afternoon so we could contact Clark's eternal soul.

"I'm glad I'm finally dead," Clark said through our seance engineer Marcy Peterson. "I couldn't stand getting paid to watch balls drop every year. You know I used to be a pretty serious journalist."

In addition to his aspiring journalistic endeavors, Clark also had great shows like The American Bandstand and five different Pyramid shows. "Yet with over 60 years in the business, all people remember me for is commentating about how balls drop every year," said Clark. "My heart just couldn't take it any more."

"He will be missed," said Jackie Swanson, 68, of Olympia, WA. "I'd always wanted to get that man in the sack and relive my teenage years, and now that's never going to happen." She poked our reporter in the chest emphatically. "That's a damn shame if you ask me. That Dick and I would have made beautiful children."

Dick says he's excited about his new gig. "It's nice, peaceful, and quiet right now," he said. "What more could you ask for in the afterlife?"

What more indeed.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, April 18 2012

Death & Dentistry For 4/18/12: 

If today is your birthday: The location you find yourself in is not what you expected. You feel as if you were deceived and misled. Now you get to spend this birthday celebrating with several hours trussed up in a stolen suit of armor on a Greyhound bus bound for Maine.

Aries: Although it's important to stick to your core values, subduing a Yeti may require violating your ethos of leaving wounded men behind, but their families have the life insurance you took out.

Taurus:  With the influence of Mars casting an aggressive light on your career you need to remember It's not about convincing anyone else that you are right; it's more about acting from the center of your own heart with convictions that all Renaissance Fairs need to be blown to hell and gone.

Gemini: This is a day to make sure that you concentrate your efforts on patching up your relationship with Fluttershy.

Cancer: Although seeing your Aunt Eugenia stirs up unexpected emotions, firing her out of a gigantic cannon into the cold, empty vacuum of space is probably an overreaction.

Leo: With stubborn Uranus in control of your 2nd House of Malice you need to let others know exactly how you feel about working in a giant pickle costume.

Virgo: As Jupiter turns in your 2nd House of Spite a mixture of negative intentions and negative encounters leads to a stimulating day in Colonial Williamsburg, Virginia.

Libra: Some people speak freely and do not think of the consequences of future generations not being born.      

Scorpio: A quarrel is developing and there isn't a lot you can do to change the situation when neighbor Bob inebriated with the spirit of International Juggler's Day.

Sagittarius: With mighty Jupiter in you 11th House of Triumph you can accomplish nearly anything you put your mind to now possibly even reviving the Wayans Brother’s career.

Capricorn: You have enhanced awareness today that will allow you to perceive how intense autoerotic asphyxiation can be.

Aquarius: Changes in the home begin to reflect the inner transformation your spouse has undergone since falling under the charismatic spell of Kirk Cameron

Pisces: Slow down a bit today and make sure you don't miss the most important things like a tandem bike on the Atlantic City Boardwalk after reuniting with your imaginary friend Watson.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry

Death & Dentistry For 4/17/12: 

If today is your birthday: Earth Magicks are very strong in your 3^rd House of Love today so don’t be surprised to find the gift of a man standing in your parking garage in skintight latex shouting about how he's going to use his stimulating jack-hammer of joy for you.

Aries: Lately you’re unable to feel things the way you used to, you are carrying around some kind of sadness, probably related to your apartment now being a pile of smoking rubble.

Taurus: Quality counts more than quantity now, so don't feel too bad, it happens to all men sometimes.

Gemini: Those plans you made a while back when you thought Neighbor Bob wanted to chain you to a slab in his dungeon and flog you with giant puppet, you’re going to have to use them as Mars is becoming ascendant in his house.

Cancer: Exhaling clouds of toxic gas, a cauldron of lava boiling in the mile-wide crater of your lower intestine, next time just skip breakfast at Taco Bell and the 5 hour energy, for the benefit of everyone.

Leo: As Venus becomes dominant in your 2^nd House of Munificence you should take this opportunity to teach hot, kinky deviant shenanigans to the high school soccer team.

Virgo: Your determination may help you work relentlessly toward reaching your goals now, but you need to be extra mindful that you being naked and sitting on a hobby horse was your old bosses kink not the current one.

Libra: Now that clever Mercury is in control you’ll come to understand when it does in fact become “justifiable” homicide.                                                                                                     

Scorpio: No alliteration or fancy phrasing your day is going to be particularly dreadful and hideous.

Sagittarius: No matter what you do, you don't seem to be getting anywhere; please don’t let that make you feel invalidated as a human being.

Capricorn: Saturn stresses loving Venus in your usually peacefully bloodletting ceremony which means a night of extra margaritas all around.

Aquarius: Even hard evidence of a post-mortal plane such as the unceasing taunting of ghosts and apparitions doesn’t prove your sanity; now please take your meds.

Pisces: You have been feeling depressed, you can rejuvenate yourself by keeping resentment over failed relationships bitterly next to your heart.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry

Death & Dentistry For 4/16/12: 

If today is your birthday: As the Moon falls into waning crescent your powers of persuasion will continue to be non-existent as you can’t coax your partner to even consider birthday sex, or even getting you an Almond Joy.

Aries: You think that others are responsible for holding you back from getting in touch with Kirk Cameron, and you’re right, but you can’t threaten to hang even a crazy person by their genitals in the middle of a freezing wasteland.

Taurus: Neptune moving into your 2^nd House of Ordinary means even the voices in your head are as boring as hell.

Gemini: Venus turning into your 6^th House of Love means you will be expecting to have a good time but you will not be getting the rewards that were guaranteed to you when you gave that TGirl $100.

Cancer: You are going to have so much fun with your friends over, if only they were real and not just the result of your latest mescaline binge.

Leo: As the Sun moves into your 3^rd House of Motivation you might meet someone with influence in the community, they are out to get you. 

Virgo: Today is a day when you are in your zone, the construction zone really messing up traffic no wonder every thinks you’re a tool.

Libra: You'll have renewed enthusiasm for life when you discover Bonanza streaming on Netflix.

Scorpio: You think that, that eye-catching costume will get people around you support you and be happy to have you on board, this ignores all the cruel laughter and derisive looks.

Sagittarius: Paranoia is a complex illusion that your mind has constructed to make you believe that something or someone is in your way, that doesn’t mean that Neighbor Bob isn’t planning on sodomising you to death.

Capricorn: Read the fine print on today. There could be a hidden clause attached to a financial deal that actually does promise your first born if you miss a payment.

Aquarius: The Waning Crescent Moon means there are compulsions today that will bring about some stimulating surprises, remember the piano wire.

Pisces: The Moon is quincunx with Ceres and a mysterious folder containing the “Next Piece Of The Puzzle” will be given to you on the bus.