Tall, Hairy, Smelly, Antisocial, Two-Legged Creature Causing Concerns

Security camera tape form private home
on Birch Road, Owensboro

OWENSBORO, KY — Something of a crime wave has hit this little city in the Ohio, river and no one knows quite how to explain it. Some are blaming a tall, hairy, smelly, antisocial, two-legged creature they have seem driving around town in his 1978 Dodge Van, and while police spokesman Susan Collins isn’t willing to speculate the local police blotter does indicate a wild country boy or a bigfoot causing some disturbances.

Sunday, April 22

5:30 p.m. — A Birch Road resident reported her mailbox had been ripped from the ground overnight and thrown threw her flower beds. She also reported her garden hose, and 10 hummingbird feeders had also gone missing. A report was filed.

Monday, April 23

4:33 p.m. — A resident reported a a tall, hairy, smelly, antisocial man was going door-to-door on Larch Road demanding pie and whiskey. The man ran into the woods avoided police

Wednesday, April 25

3:58 a.m. — A dispute between neighbors was reported on Schrade Road. Police reported one neighbor was complaining the other was snoring too loud. The neighbor who was reported against appeared to be the same person from the Larch Road incident, and again ran into the woods.

Thursdays, April 26

6:31 p.m. — A man called police and reported witnessing a tall, hairy man pull up in a van on Chappaqua Road near the Route 9A intersection and steal a leafblower from a landscaping truck. The witness said the man then fled the scene and drove onto Route 9A. A report was filed.

Friday, April 27

7:12 p.m. — A minor brush fire was reported at Hainsy Farm on Scarborough Road. The condition was corrected by Owensboro Fire District responders, who reported being watched from the hillside by a large. hairy man

3:34 p.m. — Police responded to North State Road, where a resident reported finding an unknown liquid—identified possibly as ape or human urine—inside a child's wagon. A report was taken.

Owensboro Marshall Levon Cleaves says his officers will continue to respond and follow up on all calls and if they find a connection to a “hairy monster” or man will let us know 

Members Of Amish Family Busted In Nude Romp

Pieter Coblentz taking tourists around Shipshewana in 2011

SHIPSHEWANA, IN-  An Amish family is in custody, after cavorting in the nude in the parking lot of the Shipshewana Flea Market Friday afternoon.

Shipshewana Police Marshall Tom M. Fitch said officers arrested the entire family and transported them back to the police headquarters in the nude.

The Coblentz family, including Father, Pieter, 47,  mother, Sara, 43, and their children, Joanne, 23, and Bessie, 22, and a 14-year-old boy, are all facing charges of defiant trespass, disorderly conduct and open lewdness.

"We are also charging the mom, Sara Butler, with corrupting the morals of a minor," Fitch said. According to Fitch, Shipshewana police learned the family arrived at flea market approximately 10 a.m. to begin setting up their annual booth where they sell quilts, jams and other traditional Amish made products.

"Because the market will not be open for another week, the manager refused to give them space," Fitch said. "They started singing religious songs and lay prone on the sidewalk at the entrance to the management building."

Flea market security ordered the family off the property and they promptly took off all their clothes.

"They disrobed next to their buggy and were running around chanting prayers to Jesus," Fitch said. "When we arrived they locked their arms in defiant protest. When we get them back to the police station we gave them their clothes and the Sara Coblentz refused to put her clothes on. Even with in this traditional family she's is unquestioned leader."

Your Weekend Death and Dentistry, April 27 2012

Death & Dentistry For 4/27-29/12: 

If today is your birthday: The Sun's entry into your 2nd House of Collapse is timed perfectly to your emergency triple-bypass surgery on Sunday, but at least the stars are giving you a birthday gift of the best cardiac surgeon in the country on rounds.

Aries: If you’d just let Merle into the house, I think you’d be plenty surprised.

Taurus:  Yes you’ve bad experiences with strippers in the past, but Andii Starlicious is different she is working on her degree in Child Welfare.

Gemini: The doctor is always late. In the meantime, there is a very interesting article in that 2003 Ladies Home Journal and a very endowed nurse.

Cancer: Let me just put on my glasses….Can’t quite figure out how this reading….”Cancer watches Cincinnati Bengals draft”.

Leo:  You’re shopping for nuts, best look at pecans, people usually agree on pecans.

Virgo: I simply love your cutoff shorts. One leg so much longer than the other, adorable! Did you fashion them yourself, and who are you hoping to attract?

Libra: With Venus’s proximity to Earth now would be a good time to ask that hitchhiker for directions.

Scorpio:  You’ll sleep when you’re dead, or after you take your Ambien—whichever comes first.

Sagittarius: Going to be a long weekend those breast, thigh and metatarsal implants make it difficult to find a comfortable sleeping position.

Capricorn: Giving testimony and a hot meal seems like a waste of a hooker, but that’s us.

Aquarius: The last sound to ever grace you ears will be the taxi driver’s panic-stricken scream.

Pisces: Your mistress replaced your Viagra with Blue Sky Meth, wondering if you’ll change your mind on breaking it off with her. 

Moonlight Diet Determined To Be Cause of Vampire Creation

You might shimmer in the moonlight, but a moonlight only diet will
also turn you into a very evil vampire.

LONDON, ENGLAND - After an Indian Guru claimed that he lived off of sunlight alone for 70 years, scientists decided to take a look at what could happen if you subsisted on a diet of moonlight alone.

And the result were quite shocking. "I've had to read it four times myself to see that it's actually true," said Dr. Jay Livingston, lead scientist for the British government. "Even after all of that, I don't know if I believe it yet anyway."

According to the data, individuals who get their nourishment from moonlight only will actually slowly turn into vampires. "There's a chemical that forms when constant sources of moonlight contact the skin at night," said Livingston. "It's like mixing bleach and ammonia together - you get a new, poisonous combination that ends up killing you from the inside."

In fact, if exposed to enough moonlight without any food intake, a human will indeed turn into a legitimate vampire. "What happens is that the chemical in your blood that is formed by the moonlight hitting an empty stomach actually kills off your red and white blood cells, evaporates your plasma, and leaves you with zero blood to circulate," said Livingston. "Once this happens, the only way to maintain life is to start sucking blood out of others or to drink the blood of animals so your cells get the nourishment they need."

Skeptics claim that a moonlight diet will just kill you, but Livingston doesn't disagree with that. "The you as you know "you" will no longer be you," he said. "You'll be a fanged being hunting others in order to survive. What you do from that point on is up to you."

In order to prevent vampirism from occurring, Livingston recommends that people eat at least a small dinner or a small before bed snack if they plan on being outside in the moonlight. "We don't know if the effects of this chemical are cumulative or not as of yet," he warned, "so it's better to be safe than sorry."

At press time, we could not locate any vampires for a statement.

Neighbors Ponder Green Lawn After Home Imprisonment Discovered

Two months of frightening home imprisonment are finally over.

LINCOLN, NE - A wife and mother is in prison this morning for keeping her husband and daughter in a home prison for the last sixty days with only water and maggoty cheese to eat.

A police spokesperson closely associated with the case said it was the "worst case of home imprisonment that he's seen in his 8 months as a police officer."

Authorities claim that Tanya Tanaka was able to overpower her husband by slipping roofies into a Miller Light a couple months ago, and then threw her crying three year old daughter in there with him because she was tired of the way they would both whine and complain at her about her ability to cook broccoli, chicken, or roll sushi properly.

Conditions inside the home cell were reportedly "terrible," as Tanaka gave her family two buckets - one for urine and one for feces. "I was wondering why her lawn looked so green this spring," said long time neighbor Keith Pearson. "I even asked her was her secret was and she told me human feces. I laughed it off as a great joke... but damn! She was serious!"

What finally tipped off authorities to the mistreatment was the fact that Tanaka had stopped shopping with her WIC checks. "She was in here like clockwork, buying groceries with those WIC checks," said 2nd Assistant Manager Herman Lockwood at the local Hy Vee. "When she didn't come in for a couple weeks, I thought something might be wrong with her, so I called in a welfare check."

Tanaka is currently being held on a $1 million bond since she is Japanese and this has caused local prosecutors to suspect that she might have secret ninja powers as well.

"I'm just glad it's finally over for that poor family," said Pearson. "But at least now I know that shitting on my lawn in the middle of the night is a good thing."

Study Shows That Left Lane Drivers Have a Form of Savant Syndrome

SYRACUSE, NY – At some point and time, all of us have encountered an annoying left lane driver who won’t get over into the other lane.  “Yeah, I see ‘em everyday,” says native New Yorker Bruno Roussel, “they drive in that left lane, pretend not to see you in the mirror, and end up pissing me off.”  While there are laws in some states that prohibit left lane cruisers, the enforcement of the annoying behavior rests solely on the shoulders of county sheriff departments and state patrol officers.  “I wish there was a way for other drivers to take control of this,” Roussell continued, “kinda like martial law but without the killings and stuff.”

While there is no martial law for drivers, a study released by Syracuse University has shed some light on the subject.  According to the four-year study, researchers claim that chronic Left Lane Drivers actually have a form of Savant Syndrome.  While there might be some minor similarities, Savant Syndrome should not be confused with the same Savant Skills that Dustin Hoffman portrayed in the movie Rain Man.  “Definitely not,” says Syracuse University researcher Tanya Jurgenson, “A Left Lane Driver does not necessarily have the same behavior that an Autistic Savant or Prodigious Savant displays. To be clear, we’re not saying that Left Lane Drivers are like Dustin Hoffman in the movie Rain Man.”

The Syracuse University research team, however, did indicate that Savant skills are rare but the repetitious behavior does tend to result in autistics and acquiring some unusual skills through practice.  So Left Lane Drivers have a form of Savant Syndrome and are Autistic?  “Absolutely not,” Jurgenson adamantly stated, “Savant Syndrome is not always associated Autism.  What we’re saying in this study is that Left Lane Drivers show some minor signs of Savant Syndrome because they display an unusual skill, through repetitious practice, of constantly driving in left lane.  Furthermore, we believe this pattern originated because Left Lane Drivers show tendencies to be claustrophobic; they tend to get anxious and feel squeezed in when someone is passing them on the driver’s side of their car.  This is why they drive in the left lane.”

While Ms. Jurgenson went on the record with The Pummelo and made it clear that the Syracuse University research does not state that Left Lane Drivers are Autistic, we can’t help but question the language of their report.  Are Left Lane Drivers showing tendencies of being claustrophobic because they don’t want to socialize with people or because they don’t know how to socialize with people appropriately?  We may never have the answer to that question but as for New Yorker Bruno Roussel, he doesn’t care if Left Lane Drivers have a form of Savant Syndrome.  “So they have some sort of disease, huh?  Well, I don’t give a damn if they have Savant, Savana, Chicken Pox, Itchy Skin Disease, or an Iron Lung.  They need to get the hell out of the left lane before someone like me takes care of business and runs ‘em off the road.”

Ask Uncle Mike: Enjoy the Flavor of the Peacock

Dear Uncle Mike:
First of all, let me say that I'm an avid reader of your column. I think your advice is spot on and that your unique perspective on relationships is what I need to be able to make my problem a little bit better. You see, I love this girl I just met with all my heart. We met at a club, I bought her a drink, and the next thing you know, we're getting freaky on the dance floor. She rubbing up against me, it was feeling good... and I prematurely ejaculated. Yeah - right there on the dance floor. Now I'm no virgin. I wouldn't say that I'm a male slut, but I've had a physical relationship with a few women in my day. I've never had this problem in this past with a woman before. Is there something that I can do to stop myself from shooting my load whenever I see her? And are there some good things I can say if I do and there's a spot of wetness on my trousers so I don't look like a fool?  ~ Premature in Soho

Joshua Tree Snaps Because U2 Fails To Pay Royalties

Could this Joshua tree really have killed 7
people last night?

ELY, NV - Word has come out from this small community that acts as a gateway to the Great Basin that there has been some trouble out in the desert. You know, the kind of trouble that brings about death, destruction, and FBI agents.

"I can't say much," admits White Pine County Sheriff Dan Watts. "What I can say is that there were several brutal murders on Highway 50 last night and that we are investigating them to the fullest."

From what we can piece together, several motorists who were known to be traveling on Highway 50, which is also known as the "Loneliest Road" as it travels through rural Nevada, did not show up in Carson City as expected last night.

We also know that there were blood stains found out on the highway that led out into the desert wilderness. Our reporter followed those blood stains this morning and discovered that many trails led back to one singular, solitary Joshua tree.

Our reporter attempted to get a statement from the Joshua tree, but was instead handed a long handwritten note by the tree. In part, the Joshua tree accepted responsibility for seven murders last night and gave the reasoning as being extremely upset about not receiving his monthly paycheck from the band U2.

Sheriff Watts says he believes that even if this is the case, there had to have been at least one accomplice. "A Joshua tree can't drag a family of four from a car, kill them, and then make their bodies disappear into the desert," he said. "I'm pretty confident in being able to say that we've got to be looking for someone else in this matter as well."

Whether you believe there is an accomplice or not, the fact remains that seven people are dead thanks to the band U2 and their inability to pay an agreed upon royalty. No one from the band or their representation had any comment for us this morning as of press time.

One thing, however, is for certain. For several families, today is not a beautiful day.

Micro Aliens Discovered In Ohio

The tiny spaceship on display at Hancock Elementary's
Imagination Station

Sandusky, Oh - Officials of Sandusky City Schools insisted today that Fifth Grade Teacher Mark Collins, of Hancock Elementary School, was being put on administrative leave for health reasons and not because of the publicity he has generated regarding a strange flying object on display in the 5^th Grade’s Imagination Station Science Exhibit.

Collins has contacted several news outlets and repeatedly called “Coast To Coast AM” and discussed finding a tiny flying ship on the playground April 18^th with host George Noory.

Hancock principal Kathy Pace-Sanders says that Collins is just attempting to generate publicity for their school and its academic success, but his enthusiasm has caused him some emotional stress.

“Mark is a great teacher, and he is very proud of our students and success, “said Pace-Sanders. “I think he just is a little obsessed with Imagination Station and wants the entire country to know there are students invested in science, I just think he needs a few days to relax.”

Collins says he doesn’t need to relax and the reason he is being so vocal is because Air Force officials have visited the school and that they have sealed off the playground and he is concerned about a cover up.

Pace-Sanders says that this is more of Collins concentrated efforts, and perhaps proof he needs a few days of paid leave.

“As I said Mark just loves our kids and school, and he is willing to take risks to get us some positive press.” She said

Collins told Noory that there were four very small creatures inside the ship and that it was full of technology that was probably beyond human understanding but that at the end of the school year he would be turning the ship over to Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson, Director of the Hayden Planetarium at the Rose Center for Earth and Space.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, April 25 2012

Death & Dentistry For 4/25/12: 

If today is your birthday: Be gracious with the gifts you receive, especially the linens, because this is your 35th birthday you can’t continue to use WWE sheets on your futon, or as your everyday towels and expect a woman to spend the night.

Aries: As Saturn enters your 5th House of Self-Pity you’ discover  the red-headed girl with the cute pierced belly button and thong thought you were really creepy and reported you to the school resource officer even though you were picking up your own kid.

Taurus: Make sure that you have copies of important documents backed up and in a safe place because the Basque terrorists ETA will be firebombing your home in Omaha.

Gemini: With Ceres dominating your 4th House of Squalor expect the city to put “Notice To Vacate” stickers up and bar the doors on your hovel, they’ll burn it next week in fire department training, so it’s not a total loss.

Cancer: Your current impatience could reveal a fundamental disagreement in the direction of the Northern Minnesota Taylor Swift Fan Club©®

Leo: A terrible shock awaits you today. It will be completely shocking and emotionally shattering. There are no more details about this one or it won't be a total shock.

Virgo: Your original reason for all of your self-esteem issues is forgotten now, but rest assured you still don’t measure up.

Libra: Today is a good day to kick a bad habit, but keep it simple to begin stop going to clown porn sites first and wean your way off the stuff slowly.

Scorpio: It is sometimes difficult to accept criticism so you may find yourself making plans to kill your manager and several customers today.

Sagittarius: No one likes a person that attempts to sodomise the mechanical ponies in front of the drug store; those are vintage machines and deserve a little kindness and respect.

Capricorn: The Moon moves into your 2nd House of Idiocy and you take a cell phone picture of a bowel movement and send it to all your contacts.

Aquarius: A simple thank you is the best response today, but you have to add superfluous bragging about how you’ll always be there to help in return and more total lies.

Pisces: A close friend is very sensitive lately and easily hurt by flying debris, so understand if she doesn’t want to join you in blowing up the 8th Street Bridge. 

New Non-Cultish Religion About Potatoes Taking Hold in America

Jenkins believes the golden tablets found in a potato field
will change the world.

BOISE, ID - To some people, John Jenkins is just your average looking guy who likes to wear plaid shirts. He lives in a state that is known for potatoes and a football team that plays on a blue field. He's got one brother, two sisters, and parents that divorced when he was 14.

For most, this sounds like the normal start to life. For Jenkins, he always knew that there was something a little more special awaiting him.

"I just felt like I was supposed to change the world," Jenkins told us proudly.

The moment for Jenkins came when he was walking through a potato field last fall. "I just happened to be strolling through a field of potatoes when I saw this golden light appear," he told us. "It was magical and mysterious, so I followed it."

What happened next, not even Jenkins can fully explain. "When I got to the source of this light, I saw these golden tablets just lying on the ground," he said. "I picked one up, read it, and it told me that I was going to be the master of a new religion."

Did Jenkins ever question the golden tablets? "Of course not!" he exclaimed defiantly. "When you find magical golden tablets on the ground, you do not question what they tell you! Never!"

Custodian Arrested for Crop Dusting in School and Making Students Sick

TIPTON, MO – “I can’t believe that man was allowed to work in a school or around children.  Someone is responsible for hiring that idiot and they’re gonna pay.”  Laura Staner is not the only parent who feels that way in this quiet town southwest of Columbia.  Many parents want the principal and certain members of the school board to be fired for not doing a thorough background check before hiring district custodian Ralph Morrowson.  “That man,” Staner continued, “has been working with our children for 12 years.  How many students have gone to the doctor for the flu when they were actually being poisoned?”


The incident that has so many community members in an uproar is when custodian Ralph Morrowson was arrested last week after a two-week investigation by school district officials and local law enforcement.  Tipton Elementary School administrators started the official investigation when they tried to figure out why so many of their students were frequently having episodes of nausea, vomiting, headaches, and a few cases of blurred vision.  “We took all of the necessary health and safety precautions to rule out gas leaks and mold exposure,” stated school district spokesperson Barry Benner, “and all the tests came back negative.  We were, quite honestly, stumped until we caught a break after a cafeteria worker was overheard talking about Mr. Morrowson in the school office.”

According to the investigation report, the cafeteria worker was overheard talking about Mr. Morrowson and how he is constantly “Crop Dusting” in the lunchroom while the students are eating.  Crop Dusting is a term used to describe someone who farts and walks around so he or she can spread the smell around a certain area.  It appears that the Kindergartners, First Graders, and Second Graders have been receiving the brunt of the Methane Gas Exposure for the past few months.  “We had students getting sick, similar to flu symptoms, during lunch and it had nothing to do with the food preparation.  Of course, it didn’t help that our lunch room is very small and closed in like a box,” said Benner.  After hearing the cafeteria workers conversation, Tipton Elementary School administrators asked the lunchroom monitor to watch Mr. Morrowson and to see if he was Crop Dusting.  The lunchroom monitor reported back the next day that it was happening.  School administrators spoke with Ralph Morrowson privately but he denied any such action and so a district investigation was launched.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, April 24 2012

Death & Dentistry For 4/24/12: 

If today is your birthday: Existence precedes essence so feel free to kill all the goats.

Aries: Today you’ll have a better understanding of what the GOP calls "clear abuse of judicial power," when the judge, your ex-wife, issues a bench warrant for you arrest for terrorist planning and association.

Taurus:  The direction and energy of the day when your dog leaves a note on the pillow saying, "It's like I don't even know you anymore."

Gemini: You are uninterested in taking part today, if you have to make the decision now, I’d probably lean towards going into a pillow fort.

Cancer: You tend to be self-critical, but to be fair if you’re listening to lot of 4 Non Blondes you have a reason to hate yourself is.

Leo:  Timing and geography can be a bitch, especially running out of gas and water in the middle of Death Valley.

Virgo: Try to cut back on your emotional investment in Zooey Deschanel, maybe less than 20 fan emails and Tweets an hour.

Libra: Take advantage of the New Moon rising by having lots of candy, especially  tasty, tasty, fizzy Zotz.

Scorpio:  Be careful that you haven't bought into the illusion than anything you do matters in the great scope and cure of the Universe.

Sagittarius: Let that last vagina go as it was never yours to begin with, maybe you will have sex again.

Capricorn: You instinctively know that a move across the country is the best way to create your new identity, so stop holding back now that the arson is completed there is nothing holding you here.

Aquarius: She dropped a shoe, damning evidence. It is time to slow down and pay attention to detail.

Pisces: Others won't see the humor in shoving a guy in front of the subway train, but we do.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, April 23 2012

Death & Dentistry For 4/23/12: 

If today is your birthday: Your day starts with you backing down the driveway as your spouse yells “Happy Birthday, asshole!” while chucking raw eggs at your car. So imagine how the rest of it is going to go.

Aries: Today you will want to think about where you are in your life and you will want to kill yourself.

Taurus:  You have been feeling a bit down lately and the Moon into your 5th House of Romance with Mercury, who is not cute in any possible interpretation of the word, is just going to make you feel disgusting.

Gemini: Hopefully someone will call an ambulance after watching you pass and fall off the fifth floor balcony.

Cancer: Things get intense today in your 4th House of Depravity when you see Neighbor Bob’s daughter in her parochial school uniform.

Leo:  Self-preservation should be your focus when the local pizza delivery driver arrives and you have no cash.

Virgo: You will come across a charming and generous serial killer today.

Libra: A special day awaits you today. You will be pulled over by a state trooper on a remote stretch of Interstate 5, the man is delusional and thinks he’s a sasquatch.

Scorpio:  With the new Moon rising you are feeling a bit lonely don’t know why you thought marriage meant endless nights of sex. 

Sagittarius: Today you will be asked to do more than what is normally expected of you, it sometimes happens in hostage situations.

Capricorn: The day after Earth Day is always a little bit of a letdown, to avoid an emotional meltdown remember the bodies of litterers are biodegradable.

Aquarius: Mercury tangles with nasty Pluto increase your chances to get into a vicious chariot race on the way home.

Pisces: If resistance to your opinions on who the Browns should draft occurs, just walk away, it’s not worth five years in prison away from the games.