Soy Allergy Prevents Wedding Consummation

Could a soy allergy cause a wedding to crash in ruins?

SAN ANTONIO, TX - Allergies are never anything to sneeze at, itch at, or laugh at hysterically. Except in this one instance.

Paul Hammons, 34, of San Antonio, enjoyed a beautiful day yesterday. He got to see his parents for the first time in over a decade, got to have lunch at P.F. Chang's, and even got to shop for some records at an old shop, all compliments to his future in-laws.

You see, Hammons yesterday married his long time sweetheart Julia Baker, now Julia Hammons, in an outdoor ceremony that wasn't too hot and wasn't too cold.

"I really had the perfect day yesterday," said Hammons. "But after the party, everything at the hotel went wrong. Terribly wrong."

You see, Paul has a very severe allergy to soybeans. And what Paul and Julia didn't realize was that there were soybean components in the condom lubrication that came standard with the brand of condoms that Paul purchased. "The condom itself was listed as hypoallergenic," said Paul sadly. "I didn't even think about the lubrication. It's not like I'm a pro at sex or something, you know?"

So I guess you could say last night was... awkward? Julia flashed an embarrassed smile. "I guess you could say that, yeah," she admitted. "He... uh... well, he fitted his condom on when he was... you know... ready, I guess, and almost immediately he told me that the condom itched."

Your Weekend Death and Dentistry, May 4-6, 2012

Death & Dentistry For 5/03-06/12: 

If today is your birthday: You may have gotten the wrong impersonation today seriously, you did. Just because there was cake and a kiss on the cheek Hottie McTemp JeezusMYGodDatAss does not like you that way, will never like you that way and is way, way, way out of your league. However it is ok to fantasize, I mean JEEZUS MY GOD DAT ASS!

Aries: Some people steal freely and do not think of the consequences of what they have taken, like the guy whole hijacked the ambulance truck delivering your new liver and those two kidneys for those old dudes across the hall.

Taurus: The Moon's current visit to your 12h House of Insufficiency means you get the  exact same thing, as what comes in a Ramen Noodles cup but on a smaller scale.

Gemini: Big changes unfolding in the backyard, so very honestly be apologetic and ready to start a relationship with the Gnomes.

Cancer: The Full Moon's presence in your 3rd House of Distress this weekend means your Klout score falls to 23 downgrading you to Specialist in Gaelic Music.

Leo: Your communication skills and perception are at an all-time high this weekend meaning you are responsible for the eternal soul of every person you rub shoulders with. Literally.

Virgo: Simply visualize a successful outcome and you will get the results you are looking for, or not, really who the hell knows how the Universe works, what Gods, Fates or Stars to appeal to, really its dark and cold and you just take your chances.

Libra: You are currently having some perplexing and frustrating moments and this weekend is no exception; my working hypothesis is you still aren’t getting fulfilling sex.

Scorpio: So you’re a confused small town accountant about to run into one of the biggest brutes you could ever meet, we advise you to buy him some Little Debbies and it will all be fine.

Sagittarius: With the Full Moon illuminating your 8th House of Insolence this weekend, you’ll say something that to a complete stranger about her breasts that will get you stabbed and drug on a chain by her man’s Harley.  Thankfully by the time you get to the hospital the Moon will be waning.

Capricorn: By expressing your feelings immediately regarding poached fish you’ll avoid hours before the porcelain queen.

Aquarius:  You are likely to go to moderate measures this weekend to watch “The Avengers” mostly by going without a date.

Pisces: You would be just wasting your time if you did any research on drunk cheerleaders and trying to fuck them. 

May the 4th Be With You George Lucas... You Prick

Me-sa Jar Jar Binks! Who-sa you? 

With that one statement, one of the most highly anticipated movies in history became one of the worst movies ever made. When we went to see The Phantom Menace in the theaters, there were people who literally walked out thanks to Jar Jar Binks. One man said he was thankful that his grandfather who loved the Star Wars franchise hadn't lived to see the abomination of a movie that George Lucas had created. Another said "I waited 20 years for THIS?"

And then... then there were the changes to the Blu-Ray additions to the original movies. On this I don't really care because after all, it is the George Lucas baby. He created it. He can decide to make changes to it to suit his palate, just as an author makes changes to a story a few years later to make it better in their eyes.

But what I'll remember this May 4th for is the fact that this year, in January, George Lucas blamed the fans for his inability to make good movies any more. "Why would I make another [Star Wars] movie when everybody yells at you all the time and tells you what a terrible person you are?" Lucas told reporters earlier this year.

Why indeed.

Clowns Cry Discrimination & Boycott The Today Show

NEW YORK, NY – People standing outside holding up signs and acting like fools so that they can get on TV is a common site outside of the Today show studios.  However, NBC executives never envisioned a giant boycott with signs following a human-interest story that was posted on their web site.  After putting 95-year-old Montana resident Floyd Creekmore into the spotlight for entering the Guinness Book of World Records for being the oldest performing clown on the planet, an onslaught of public comments filled the web page with outcries of their hatred for clowns.

“We’re taking this very serious,” says New Jersey performing clown Robert Trowker.  “This type of public outcry, which the Today show provoked, hurts my livelihood and the livelihood of my fellow performers.  We don’t run around condemning kids who can’t break open a piñata because they’re too fat and too winded.  We probably could but we don’t.  Or what about the all those mothers at the birthday parties who are hopped up on caffeine and diet pills?  Yeah, we don’t say anything about that either.  So why did they do this to us?  We haven’t hurt anyone.”

The comments on the Today show web site cut right to the point with “Creepy,” “They just look evil to me!” and “I hate clowns.”  One woman even went as far to say if she had it her way, Ronald McDonald would be out of a job.  These verbal stones have not gone unnoticed, according to Trowker.  “We’ve already begun our movement and the boycotting of the Today show is just the first step.  This is discrimination and something will be done about it.”  When asked whom he was referring to when he said “we,” Mr. Trowker replied, “It’s our group, our fraternity, our brotherhood, the National Order of Clown Lovers Unite (NOCLU), that’s leading this charge but we anticipate other groups joining our fight. Maybe PETA, AARP, or the NAACP . . . it doesn’t really matter to us, just come out and show your support.”

The Pummelo has learned that NOCLU doesn’t intend to stop  boycotting and protesting at the Today show.  “Oh no,” says Trowker, “We’re even going to take the fight to Stephen King.  He’s the one responsible for Coulrophobia (an irrational fear of clowns) with his stupid book and movie IT.  What do you think he’s going to do when 100 clowns come knocking on his door?  That’s right,” Robert said with an unstable laugh, “he’ll probably shit his pants.”  While NBC executives did have the clown boycott and protest moved back 200 feet from the live feed area, they declined to comment on the protest.  Stephen King and his publicist also declined comment but Guinness Book of World Records holder Floyd Creekmore did respond with, “It sounds like NOCLU has no clue about this profession.  They’re an embarrassment to the industry.”  Well said Floyd, well said. 

Have You Had Enough?

You know what? I've had enough.

I've had enough of the people who threaten us in various ways with lawsuits, shutting down our little blog somehow, or just in general telling us that in no uncertain terms that we suck. Yeah - we suck SO bad that you've had to take time out of your day to let us know these things, which really means we must be halfway decent.

I've had enough of people telling me that as a Christian, I don't belong on this site, I shouldn't be writing on this site, and that what I do write isn't to the glory of God. You know what? That's between me and God - not you, me, and God. Back off.

I've had enough of going to McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King, or any other place, and having your cup filled up with ice so that you get maybe five ounces of tea in a twenty ounce cup. And that's AFTER I've ordered it without ice.

I've had enough of other people attempting to dictate my life. You know what? I am a stay at home Dad and I'm damn proud of it. Am I sinning against God by doing this? That's for Him to decide, not you. And I may not be a part of some group that does things together, holds each other accountable, but A) it's not like I haven't made the attempt & B) it's a little difficult to have a conversation when you have four children that are three years of age or younger if no one wants to visit with you at your home.

I've had enough of people telling me that I worship myself, have a big ego, blah blah blah. The first person to tell me this was the girl I was on again, off again dating in high school. Confidence isn't self-worship. Confidence is knowing what your gifts and talents are and doing your best to implement them to the betterment of others. If I was really worshipping myself, I most certainly wouldn't be staying in a broken down Super 8 outside of Austin, TX, listening to mariachi music all bloody night, that's for sure.

I've had enough of people trying to drag me down, drag my partners down, drag my family down, simply because we're in a better position than they are. Don't fucking tell me I'm lazy when I'm taking care of four kids, holding down steady work at home, and maintaining our home most days to a reasonable quality standard.

That's right - I wrote "fucking." I do swear sometimes. I watch some things that my church peers might not watch. I like to play pai gow occasionally at a casino. I really enjoyed a glass of scotch at night before I had a stomach infection. Being a Christian doesn't make you perfect. What it does is make you different in your perspective of others.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, May 3, 2012

Death & Dentistry For 5/03/12: 

If today is your birthday: Some of life's greatest mysteries will always remain unexplained, including why you’re friends with people who insist on drinking terrible beer and eating at Applebee’s to celebrate your special days.

Aries: Philosophical people may be especially misguided today when discussing Skyrim. It becomes clear they don’t understand. Not about Skyrim, and not about life.

Taurus: Today, you must pick your battles wisely or you could end up in a violent siege, struggling for the ninth hole on the college’s disc-golf course.

Gemini: You have yet to realize you're in a hostile relationship with neighbor Bob, but his subtle hints of random gunfire are beginning to make you wonder.

Cancer: We live in a cynical time when people are desperate for heroes, proof of this; your deployment of 4,000 life rafts for polar bears is looked upon as an impulsive plea for attention.  

Leo: You’ll get into a dispute with police, firemen, Old-Lady MaGinchy, and the Channel Nine anchorwoman today, one that doesn't really concern you.

Virgo: A simple act of self-restraint regarding the tapioca pudding at Golden Corral allows you to avoid an unpleasant scene.

Libra: The strong passion and desire in your life for Phineas and Ferb will end another relationship early.

Scorpio:  Your need to connect with an old love could outweigh your common sense since she is now married to the president of the Aryan Terror Brigade.

Sagittarius: You’ll forget your sombrero when dressing as Papanatas the clown, the Stars say this is the reason you get Lyme disease.

Capricorn: Saturn’s alignment with Mercury means today is a great day for riding the Tilt-a-Whirl at the church carnival and getting a Hepatitis A from Thelma-Mae Miller.

Aquarius:  You’re a pansy, quitting the trail immediately after your wagon capsizes in the Kansas River!

Pisces: I and the Stars are so sad and it is your listening to Nicki Minaj’s singing that caused it.

Town's Only Prostitute Retires For Chance At Acting

Nadia will start whoring in a whole new way

VAUGHN, NM - This small railroading town is about to undergo a very big change starting today, and all 203 men who live here are wondering what it is they are going to do. You see, Nadia Gomez, the daughter of a local railroad supervisor, has decided to call it quits as the town's only prostitute in order to pursue a career in acting in Albuquerque.

"I think it's just best for me right now," said Gomez. "I made ok money by turning three or four tricks per night, but a woman can only take so much paid boning."

Vaughn, NM is a small town halfway between Roswell and Santa Fe. At the intersection of two highways and two sets of train tracks, about 500 total people leave here year round to support the railroad workers that pass through this community on a daily basis. "They've got more money than you'd think," said Gomez. "I could work at the diner for tips, or I could make four times that amount by doing what I'm doing."

The men in the community are desperate. "Porn is ok on those nights when Nadia isn't around, but what am I going to do now?" asked Hector Perez desperately. "I mean - are all of us single guys going to watch porn on Netflix and circle jerk? That's not for me."

Juan Jimenez echoed a similar thought. "Now I'm going to have to drive to the Roswell Walmart to get me some hoes or something. I wish Nadia the best, but this ain't right. Ain't right at all."

John Miller, who drives the Highway 285 route regularly, says that staying at a motel in Vaughn is going to be like staying in a prison. "A motel filled with horny guys is not my idea of a good time," he told us. "Now when that pasty bald dude on the exercise bike gives me a funny look when I'm exercising in front of him, I'm either going to have to man up or bitch up, and neither one sounds like a great idea to me after 10 hours on the road."

Despite all this bad news, Nadia left on a high note. "I figured since last night was my last night, I'd offer a two for one special," she said with a twinkle in her eye. "I'll let you figure out what that means on your own."

If you are interested in becoming Vaughn's next prostitute, you must be a woman, disease free, and under the age of 70.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, May 2, 2012

Death & Dentistry For 5/02/12: 

If today is your birthday: A birthday should be a day of contemplation about where you are now and where you want to be in the future. If having BDSM Sex in a kindergarten classroom is the answer then you’re on course.

Aries: Just don't fall into the trap of believing what you see now because of the Ketamine and DXM you had for breakfast.

Taurus: The lovely planet Neptune is visiting your 5th House of Indifference making you totally apathetic towards the mysterious longings of the human heart.

Gemini: You will be doing everything in a rush today which sometimes results in small accidents like running over the neighbors four year old or stubbing your toe.

Cancer: Holdups, obstructions and obstacles are all necessary to keep you in your place as a wretched obedient failure.

Leo: You’ll be working in close proximity to others today which will create uncomfortable odors and make your job of killing the mayor of Cincinnati unpleasant.

Virgo: Now that the Sun is in retrograde in your 5th House of Loathing you might find yourself hating the FBI agents monitoring you a little less.

Libra: Your co-workers and friends will make assurances today regarding your crush on Joseph Gordon Levitt that are impossible to fulfill.

Scorpio:  You thought you impressed the clerk at the Hot Topic with your special request for a “Blues Traveler” shirt today but you were having the opposite effect.
 

Sagittarius: There's a strong quantity of craving and desire in your life today so it is a great day to play a few rounds of “Hungry, Hungry Hippos” as foreplay with the wife.

Capricorn: You must find a way to switch a catastrophe into a mere tragedy this afternoon or be stuck with hobo-stench on you forever.

Aquarius:  Until this afternoon you might not even be aware of your current hatred toward pharmaceutical reps wearing Daffy Duck neckties.

Pisces: You’ve just gotten used to the routine of everyday living, but with today’s cataclysmic toe-nail cutting accident that all changes.

Dermatologist Arrested for Drugging Homeless Men and Then Shaving Their Legs

LOS ANGELES, CA – Hollywood is no stranger to controversy but the recent arrest of a famous Dermatologist has the people with Star Power worried.  “Of course we’re nervous about this.  The whole community is nervous about this,” says Mina Angrove, spokesperson for Joan and Melissa Rivers.  “This arrest could cause a giant probe with other Dermatologist and Plastic Surgeons.  If that happens, all of Los Angeles, Beverly Hills, and Redondo Beach will have to be placed on Anxiety medication.”  While there is no indication that a probe will occur, the arrest of Dermatologist Dr. Ichi Bronzini has caused earthquake-like tremors in the community.

In the police report, Dr. Ichi Bronzini, head of the Permanent Hair Removal Clinic, was arrested after one of his interns was arrested for drugging several homeless men and then shaved their legs.  According to the intern’s statement, he would pose as another homeless man, put GHB in bottles of whiskey, would then share the whiskey with other homeless men, and when they passed out, he would shave the hair from their legs and collect the hair before moving on to a new location.  This disturbing pattern, apparently, continued for several months until a homeless man reported the incident and a sting operation was set up to catch the intern.  It only took 2 days for the sting to catch the intern and from there he admitted to everything he had done under the direction of Bronzini.

The report provides the details of how Dr. Bronzini instructed his intern to collect leg hair for his new breakthrough method of hair transplantation.  Bronzini's method calls for leg hair to be transplanted as frontal head hair for patients because it’s thinner, it blends evenly with rest of the hair, it doesn’t look like doll hair, and the leg hair doesn’t fall out after it’s transplanted.  Despite the initial success of his breakthrough method, Dr. Bronzini needed more samples to conduct more tests and that is when he got his intern involved.

“At this time, we’re not sure how many men Dr. Bronzini and his associates victimized,” said Los Angeles police department detective Evan Ruiz.  “This heinous act was carried out over a four and five month period and we encourage others to come forward and file a report on how they were violated.” At press time, Dr. Bronzini was released on a $500,000 bail and refused to issue a statement to the media.  Despite the controversy, there is plenty of support for Dr. Bronzini and his hair stealing team.  The Pummelo has learned, however, that one of his patients, Hollywood star David Spade, was the one who posted bail.  Unfortunately, Mr. Spade was not available for comment.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, May 1, 2012

Death & Dentistry For 5/01/12: 

If today is your birthday: It may be disturbing but the boss’s special “Birthday Surprise” for all employees includes chemical delousing. 

Aries: The rogue Charybdis is now in your 11^th House of Creation which means you win the hottest buns contest at Tequila Jacks “First Of The Month Celebration” and score extras from the condom machine.

Taurus:  Don't fall into a trap because your current rose-colored glasses. You can’t eat something bigger than your head.

Gemini: The only way that you will be able to improve your situation is by winning KBCK”s “Is This A Kenny Chesney Song” contest.

Cancer: You or someone close to you may win the NDTA (National Dwarf Toss Association) finals in Baltimore tonight.

Leo: Although this can be a very memorable day, it's up to you to make it special a virgin sacrifice to Theodoric the Great will do the trick.

Virgo: Benevolent Neptune appears in your 2^nd House of Platitudes today which means a lot of nonsense praise from co-workers and the boss but no actual raise or even a fifty cent bonus for landing the Garmin contract.

Libra: Taking time to make someone’s day that is your duty, and sympathetic mewling about how sad it is some twisted their ankle doesn’t quite cut it.

Scorpio:  You’re just a simple man, with a simple plan, to effectively deal with your fear of elevators, good luck!

 Sagittarius: Don't waste time trying to figure out how to be more productive today; laughing at a co-worker trying to overcome his debilitating fear of elevators will consume your time.

Capricorn: Your perceptive mind could get you into trouble, it really is best just to ignore what the UPS woman and neighbor Bob are doing.

Aquarius: You'll feel a short lived sense of relief once you clear your browsing history and internet cache. 

Pisces: People may surprise you today by how much knowledge of the “Masters Of The Universe” they actually have.

Toblerone Sales Beat Cucumber Sales Amongst Single, Lonely Women

A Toblerone better than a cucumber? Women say yes.

VERNAL, UT - Grocers are stunned by their 1Q results showing that Toblerone chocolates have defeated cucumbers in sales in the single lonely women aged 18-30 demographic.

"I'm not quite sure why this is the case," admitted store owner Jerry Jenkins, "but it works for me. After all, the average cucumber here sells for $1.29. I can sell a Toblerone for $2.99 and two bucks of that is profit."

Local officials believe that women are becoming attracted to the fact that a Toblerone is long, thin, and made of chocolate. Dr. Ruth Westheimer says that she's not surprised. "Not many women want to simulate sleeping with a black man because they are simply built too well. A Toblerone is perfect for the woman who wants to have a simulated white male executive experience without having to worry about crying, weeping, and calls to Mom after the deed is complete."

Leslie Miller says she has to do something during the cold nights. "My husband works two weeks on, two weeks off out in the field," she told us. "Half of the time he accepts extra work during his time off to make extra money and that leaves me at home all alone. I don't want to cheat on the man because he's good to me, but I've got needs too. Vibrators are ok, but sometimes you need something a little different. That's why I use a Toblerone."

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, April 30 2012

Death & Dentistry For 4/30/12: 

If today is your birthday: When office parking attendant gives you a handwritten coupon “Good for One Free Erotic Foot Massage!!!” You know this is a great birthday!

Aries: When you’re on a diet and you’re hungry, you’d be surprised what you’ll eat, like hay and oats.

Taurus:  You might be feeling a little edgy today but don't get baited into a battle you can't win with those 45 Mongols, just park someplace else.

Gemini: The provocative dwarf Ceres lights up your 8th House of Depravity tonight, with candles and long hugs while soaked in patchouli.

Cancer: Today will be another day that you find yourself wondering why no one has ever made you a PB&J with the crust lovingly cut off.

Leo: If you enjoy what you do for a living and have people that love and care about you. Brilliant. We got nothing more for you.

Virgo: God, you know so little about how the world actually works, this is a good time to remember hookers get paid in money not Hersey kisses.

Libra: Your key planet Uranus aligns with vicious Mars today, driving your odaxelagnia to the extreme, the old lady next door better lock the door.

Scorpio:  Your lack of leadership might disappoint a few people at first, then they remember; “Ask a stupid person a question and you’ll get a stupid answer.”

Sagittarius: Impotent flaccid Jupiter shines in your 5th House of Limpness to intensify your inability to drive a stick-shift well.

Capricorn: The idea of abrupt change may be upsetting to you so we suggest you find a sociopathic homicide detective side-kick to turn today’s series of mishaps into a fun adventure.

Aquarius: Today you are experiencing your full potential to feel like a total loser. 

Pisces: Your sensual needs will be completely crushed and destroyed by the burning mass of repulsively toxic, gas released by the IT guy fixing your network port.