Your Weekend Death and Dentistry, May 11-13, 2012

Death & Dentistry For 5/11-13/12: 

If your birthday this weekend: Birthdays always stir feelings and this one is no different especially when you don’t appeal to the younger demographic and go home alone to a sprawling king sized bed.

Aries: Believe it or not, doing something as simple as stabbing a cabbie to death will make you feel youthful and reduce the stressors in your life.

Taurus: There will be ridiculous, expensive, destructive, and impractical conflicts with others this weekend over the wonders of Hong Kong Phooey.

Gemini: It will surprise you to learn that the reason you are so angry all the time has nothing to do with the 150,000 drivers with underdeveloped brains you ran into on the highway.

Cancer: The situation with your premature ejaculation is finally resolved when your girlfriend breaks up with you.

Leo: Even though you have slight doubt you go ahead and buy the particle accelerator from the guy at the flea market who sells the used Nintendo GameCube and Sega Genesis games.

Virgo: This is an excellent time to be setting goals and pursuing your ambitions to remake the “Donna Reed Show,” for the FX audience.

Libra: Time spent with friends can heighten your personal life this weekend, Funshine Bear and Brave Heart Lion will especially perk you up.

Scorpio: Managing your emotions will be more difficult this weekend than usual, for your assessment of the situation is totally wrong.

Sagittarius:  Taking practical steps, such as letting doors slam in faces, in developing obnoxious behavior allows you to really become the misogynistic asshole you were born to be .

Capricorn: Your kindness doesn’t change the fact you’re known as Sausage Legs to everyone.

Aquarius: you will get fired Friday, finally time to begin an inner transformation project of becoming a worthless fatass who eats Funyuns.

Pisces: Don’t plan anything especially important or too strenuous this weekend the accident at Safeway will limit all movement for six to eight weeks.

Speaker Of The Grouse: Culture War Is Over We Won!

Hello seekers of snickerdoodles!  (Notice the more polite introduction, like the President I’m evolving) I’m back to give a voice to the disturbed. As always, I remind you, I’m not a happy guy - I’m belligerent and offensive. The greatest man I never met, George Carlin, described me once, “I don't have pet peeves; I have major psychotic fucking hatreds, okay. And it makes the world a lot easier to sort out.” So let’s do some sorting shall we?

Basically I wanted to talk about the same thing that has been on everyone’s mind this week, the Culture War and the vicious attacks on traditional sodomy, or traditional marriage, or marriage sodomy or some stupid label Faux News has created.

Tuesday the State of North Carolina decided that they are petrified that homersexeruals, or gay folks might want to visit their state, I guess who the hell knows what they think about other than basketball and tobacco. So as you know the voters of the Tarheel state voted to bar gay people from getting married, and allowing civil unions of any type. Show that legendary anchorman Kent Brockman was right, “Democracy simple does not work.”

So the was a loud backlash immediately on the internet, which is where all communication is now done, it was fast and hard and overwhelming which caused two things; A. President Obama found he had evolved and thought marriage equality a good thing and B. Conservative knuckledragged down and tightened their fortress mentality.

So being the person I am I had some thoughts, well not just thoughts but flew into a rage and burned down the local erotic bakery after buying $1,300 worth of vagina cupcakes, see I’m straight as a Kansas highway.

My raging fury in order:

Look you stupid fucking wack jobs the state shouldn’t be into the business of deciding anything but civil unions any way. That’s it that’s all “Marriage,” is a made up political bullshit thing and has always been political bullshit which aligned kingdoms and other shit. Believe in it all you want, believe it is sacred but recognize it hasn’t always been that way. It has “Evolved” and now really should be done only in Churches, Mosques, Synagogues and so forth. If you believe it is sacred and not a contract, then keep it separate from the state. Otherwise SHUT THE FUCK UP! Because the state should never be involved in the creation of anything “Sacred” that idea is just fucking stupid.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, May 10, 2012

Death & Dentistry For 5/10/12: 

If today is your birthday: You will discover today that there is a very fine line between joy and despair, when your family takes you for dinner and it is the Golden Corral All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.

Aries: Someone close to you will tell you some happy news regarding how your spouse has left you and moved to Albany.

Taurus: Stay open to learning something new tonight; try trashy motel sex instead of another night alone with the desk top and porn.

Gemini: You’re obviously looking for viable alternatives to your current life choices but rubbing every bottle in the antique shop looking for a jinni probably isn’t the answer.

Cancer: The Sun reluctantly conjuncts with Jupiter in your 3^rd House of Discontent today creating need to blow your own head off sometime soon.

Leo: Even though things are going pretty good for you, today will reveal your limits with a catastrophic performance as a Adele impersonator.

Virgo: The sound your thighs make when they rub together is really  helping you experience powerful feelings today.

Libra: Choosing productive rather than harmful behaviors may seem like an option at times but not for someone inclined to picking up anvils, and then dropping them off tall buildings.

Scorpio: Venus turns retrograde in your 48th House of Scheming and your plan to kidnap Malcolm-Jamal Warner goes to hell.

Sagittarius: You seem kind of crabby this week so we won’t warn you about the coming hypnotism scandal that ruins your life.

Capricorn: A relative is having a difficult time getting into Grandpa's Aryan Nation Brotherhood, and asks you to go to bat for them.

Aquarius: You might find yourself faced with more obstacles today than you expect, when sending a box of your fecal matter to Rush Limbaugh.

Pisces: The right attitude will make all the difference today after you get that skin eating virus.

Tailgating a Cop [Video]

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, May 9, 2012

Death & Dentistry For 5/09/12: 

If today is your birthday: Providential situations arise from a confident attitude as well as authentic gratitude. Now try living each day from now on as if you hadn’t already ruined your life.

Aries: Haumea enters your 2nd House of Perplexity making you ask what is Haumea? It’s a dwarf planet in the Kuiper-belt area of the solar system for future reference.

Taurus: Your paradigm in life is changing as Saturn shifts into your 4th House of Illogical and you decide to join the Deuterocanonical Holiness Movement of Miss Lippy Aphasia.

Gemini: This is a day when you reduce expectations, becoming realistic about your prospects for success with bottle rocket penile extenders.

Cancer: Now is a good time to be heading out on the road for a few weeks, neighbor Bob is looking for a sacrifice to "the cloud gods."

Leo: This is an excellent time to feel you are entitled to everything.

Virgo:  Conceivably a previous emotional situation is keeping you from making a big decision but it really shouldn’t take 45 minutes to decide between cherry and blue berry yogurt.

Libra: Cleaning out your comfort zone may be a good idea what with all the crumpled Doritos bags and shriveled apple cores lying around.

Scorpio: Mars rising in your lunar house means it's all about the power of your convictions and belief you can change the world through hostile keying of cars and breaking tail-light lens.

Sagittarius: Being too critical of another’s cupcake frosting causes unnecessary pain and anguish at the office, maybe you just enjoy being an asshole too much.

Capricorn: No matter how profound your deep emotions are now, listening to your inner tequila voice advising you on your ex is really a bad idea.

Aquarius:  With Saturn rising you are experiencing one of your over-analytical moods where you try to understand the physics of meth-fueled sex positions instead of enjoying the memories.

Pisces: You are edging closer and closer to a confrontation with your lover where your screams for mercy as he puts the noose around your neck will not help.

Jets QB Sanchez Under Investigation for Trying to Dismember Tim Tebow

FLORHAM PARK, NJ – The New York Jets football organization is not known for keeping secrets.  It’s a very outspoken organization from the players all the way up to the coaches.  This recent controversy, however, has the entire organization worried and everyone is keeping tight lipped.  “We’re really not sure what to think about all of this,” says third string Jets quarterback Greg McElroy.  “But we’re a team, a family, and we’re going to stick together until it all gets worked out.”  Inside linebacker, Bart Scott went as far to say, “I think it’s a big stunt.  A locker room joke.  There’s no way in Hell ‘Chez (Mark Sanchez) did that.

According to team officials, New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was arrested last week and is now being investigated for trying to dismember teammate and back-up quarterback Tim Tebow.  The police report states that during player led work-outs, an equipment manager found something suspicious in the locker of Mark Sanchez.  Upon further investigation, the equipment manager discovered a black candle burning, a bowl full of dark liquid, and a dead chicken.  The manager thought a sick prank was being played and immediately contacted New Jersey local authorities.  New Jersey authorities immediately took control of the Jets’ locker room and questioned Mark Sanchez.  Sanchez denied any knowledge about how his locker became a Voodoo shrine and was released.  Two days later, however, Sanchez was brought in for questioning.  While the details of that questioning were not made public, the Pummelo has learned New Jersey investigators discovered Sanchez’s fingerprints on some the items including the black candle and small cauldron of blood.

Furthermore, an inside source from the New Jersey police department has informed the Pummelo that the department has information that not only shows that Sanchez was practicing Voodoo in the locker room but has been practicing in the privacy of his own home for years and is now targeting Tim Tebow.  Sanchez apparently went over the deep end and began to place curses on Tebow when he was recently named to TIME magazine’s 100 most influential people in the world and was voted the 95^th-best player in the NFL.  Sanchez wasn’t even considered for the list and that was breaking point for USC alum.  While Tim Tebow had no comment regarding this investigation, a Tebow spokesperson did state that, “Tim will be praying for Mark and hope that he makes a full recovery from his decision to worship Satan.  God loves everyone.”

While the Sanchez investigation continues, our police department informant did state that the department has recovered and removed pins from Tim Tebow, Tom Brady, and Eli Manning Voodoo dolls that were found in Mark Sanchez’s residence.  “Those lifelike dolls are now part of the investigation,” said the anonymous informant, “and all three only had little pricks anyway so I doubt anything serious will happen.”  While we weren’t able to clarify “little pricks” statement, we can only assume he was referring to little pins stuck into the doll.  

It’s unclear, at this time, when New Jersey officials will conclude their investigation or when Sanchez will be able to join the team.  Until then, no information is being released by the Jets organization… whether it’s because they are trying to avoid becoming legally involved in or just trying to stay off Sanchez’s Voodoo list, no one is talking. 

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, May 8, 2012

Death & Dentistry For 5/08/12: 

If today is your birthday: As it is your birthday you may have become tired with the quality of your life and are tempted to do something drastic about it now. Don’t worry; waking up in a dimly lit and poorly ventilated room with a naked dentist and welder will take care of all your boredom.

Aries: You have been feeling a bit down lately maybe it’s time to start incorporating your boyfriend in to your life and not just as an ottoman.

Taurus: The Sun is now occupying your 7th House of Notoriety which means your face is going up in post offices, law enforcement agencies, and most wanted websites right now.

Gemini: You could set yourself up for failure and probably will, because you really don’t believe in yourself and self-sabotage all the time.

Cancer: After yesterday’s working with a 1000 monkeys on a 1000 typewriters, today you will have a sigh of relief and enjoy being in the proximity of sweaty men.

Leo:  If you fall short of your goals today, shift the blame to everyone else it’s easier to look in the mirror that way.

Virgo:  Perhaps others are shocked by you becoming a Craigslist threesome whore but not Jupiter.

Libra: You have been taking care of everyone else lately but forgetting about your need to ecstatically dance naked among the wild flowers, today would be a good day to change that.

Scorpio: With the Sun moving through your 12th House of Indifference it will be even harder for you to care about pleas for the starving children while eating another bag of Cheetos.

Sagittarius: This is a time to share the way you feel about your ugly neighbor with social anxiety disorder with your middle aged, married neighbor with 12 kids on the other side.

Capricorn: Listing degree-equivalent credit hours from Street Smarts Academy may not spice up your resume as much as you think.

Aquarius:  You know what works for you so it is a shame more women don’t have Donald Duck fetishes.

Pisces: You will find yourself wanting to be more like someone else today, mostly Ironman.

Hare Raising Plot Broken Up By FBI

Nebraska wildlife and rescue crews clean up
Interstate 80 in North Platte this morning.

NORTH PLATTE, NE  – The FBI arrested three men Monday morning, saying they had purposely forced a long haul semi-truck to roll over spilling it’s load of 5,000 rabbits.

The three men were “proclaimed anarchists,” who intended to disrupt the eco-system of the state. 

Members of the group actually placed an improvised explosive device (IED) an Interstate 80 that fired nails all over the highway an FBI spokesman said in a news conference this morning.

The overturned truck and the 5,000 bunnies closed Interstate 80 for several hours. The vehicle carrying the bunnies first ran over the nail bomb and then was struck by another truck driven by one of the suspects. Most of the rabbits were hopping around the freeway, but some stayed in their broken cages. Unfortunately, about 500 rabbits were killed. Approximately 200 of the rabbits hopped away and were not captured.

Arrested by the FBI’s Joint Terrorism Task Force and charged with conspiracy, attempted use of explosive materials, and additional charges of harboring exotic animals in an associate crime were: Clifford Moore, 26; Rickey Perrault, 20; and Peter (Pappy) Perrault, 85.

According to FBI spokesman Melissa Givens all three are “self-proclaimed anarchists who fashioned a small group that included three others, currently unnamed, and planned a series of developing plots over several months.”

“Perrault had also talked about getting rare species such as emus and releasing them in Union Pacific Railroad's large Bailey Yard here in North Platte,” said Givens. According to an affidavit from FBI Special Agent Dominick Mitchell the group had in their possession 14 alligators and a hippopotamus they planned to release into the wetlands east of the city where the North and South Platte River come together.

“The arrests Monday morning show that the terrorist threat we face is diverse and a fanatic can come from any place and any situation,” said Marc Kaschke, mayor of North Platte.

“Despite the suspect’s worst intentions and aims during the entire course of this morning’s operation, the public was never in danger,” Givens said. “The suspects were compromised and we had wildlife and trained animal rescue teams in place when the incident occurred.”

Interstate 80 was reopened a little after 11:00 am CDT, and unfortunately for them the rounded up rabbits will still be taken to the All American Meat Inc processing plant in Omaha later today.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, May 7, 2012

Death & Dentistry For 5/07/12: 

If today is your birthday: Only 16 of your 133 Facebook friends will wish you happy birthday even though they will all be reminded sort of ruins the whole experience.

Aries: The spirit of legendary theologian St. Echobaard Theus of Wycommbe wants to talk to you about your mistaken belief in transubstantiation so cancel your other appointments.

Taurus: Ceres is rising in your 2nd House of Stigmatization which means it’s already “Ostracize Your Co-Worker” day again.

Gemini: For the rest of the day just let the changes happen and know that there are worse and sadder times ahead.

Cancer: It is the type of day where call to Bestiality Anonymous is probably needed.

Leo: Yes, you had a pleasant weekend but this means you left a number of things unfinished like burying that transient’s corpse so it’s going to be a busy Monday.

Virgo:  Ask, beg, and cry out for help today as you will definitely need it.

Libra: Spending the day waiting for the funeral home to call, all this could mean only one thing: another exciting adventure is ahead.

Scorpio: Today provides just what you’ve been waiting for, an infinite number of rednecks to come along and stir things.

Sagittarius: The Waning Moon begins to pass from your 3rd House of Maudlin Sentiment today which means the filming of Office Midget Foot Fetish Gang-Bangers 247 can begin.

Capricorn: Things about to change and the “construction ahead” signs make that obvious today.

Aquarius:  Get rid of the cobwebs and the dead wood today, kerosene will make a fine accelerator.

Pisces: It isn't that you are self-conscious as much as you really despise yourself and don’t believe you are worth anyone’s attention.

New Arkansas Pastor Is "Slightly Controversial"

WALDRON, AR - This small town of 3,500 that promotes easy access to nature trails, lazy days at the lake, and access to plenty of serene solitude is now finding itself under the national eye thanks to the Rev. Ruby Holy Emmanuel.

Known by most as Rev. Ruby, this Assembly of God pastor has recently made Waldron his home thanks to a commission that was made by the First Assembly of God Church. "I'm just happen to call Waldron home," said Rev. Ruby. "It's beautiful here, my kids will love growing up here, and you can hear God whispering in the wind."

You'd think that statements such as these would make Rev. Ruby an instant hit in the small town, yet whenever Rev. Ruby walks down the street, mothers pull their children to the other side of the road and guys just stop and stare.

You see, Rev. Ruby is a full out drag queen, and yes, he is also a fully ordained reverend.

"Many people associate dressing up in drag with a negative connotation," Rev. Ruby told us. "That only men who are gay or have gender issues have the audacity to wear women's clothes. I'm telling you that some of the most masculine men I've ever met wear some of the most feminine clothes I've ever seen."

Rev. Ruby's message is that God loves you just as you are... and he proves it. "Sure - I could get less attention by dressing up in a suit and tie, but that's not me," said Rev. Ruby. "I love having feathers in my hair, heels on my feet, and the gentle glide of women's clothing against my skin."

John Maybers, 71, is a lifelong resident of Waldron, and he's not very happy with Rev. Ruby. "That freak gives our town a bad name," he told us. "He should just get on his RuPaul horse, leave town, and never look back."

Ezekiel Smith, 48, and also a life long resident of Waldron, agreed with Maybers. "I don't mind a little diversity, but by diversity I'm talking about blacks," said Smith. "I'm not talking about weirdos who dress up with bells on their heads and whistles on their feet."

Rev. Ruby says his message will always be the same. "God loves you as you are. If He can love me, than he can love you."

Drowning Kills Almost 1,000 on Cinco de Mayo in Texas

Storms killed almost 1,000 people in Austin, TX last night.

AUSTIN, TX - A soaking thunderstorm came through this Central Texas city last night, bringing with it some much needed relief to the drought that has been occurring in the area.

Unfortunately, almost 1,000 people accidentally drowned during the thunderstorm. "Apparently their noses were so high in the air," commented Police Sergeant Larry Boyd, "that when the sideways rains came around 11pm or so, it blew straight into their nostrils, down into their lungs, and caused an immediate walking drowning death."

Though many anticipated that the dead would mostly be from Austin's bustling music scene that is called the best in the world, the actual victims were a large mix of the wealthy, the religious, and those that have won several barbecuing awards thanks to their award winning ribs and sauces. "Yeah, we got ourselves a lot of people here that thought they were pious, holy, and above everyone else," said Sgt. Boyd. "Bet they were expecting to drown in booze on Cinco de Mayo instead of ordinary rain water."

Life insurance policies are not expected to be honored in this situation. "What we cover is a death that is caused accidentally," said Mariella Montoya, an insurance agent for MetLife in Austin. "These people's noses were purposely stuck in the air so far that there was no accident to their drowning whatsoever. Certainly their deaths are tragic, yes... but they knew what they were doing by sticking their noses so high."

John Henry Walker of the Piously Foundation says that being overly pious, righteous, or feeling just better than anyone else on the face of the planet isn't a choice, but a disease. "Being overly pious is just the same thing as being overly addicted to drugs or alcohol," said Walker. "What these people have experienced is a tragedy and their families should be remembered."

Supporting Walker's claim is the fact that only a small portion of each group involved were victimized by the horizontal rain. Medical science has not yet identified any sort of piously motivated behaviors or actions with a medical disease. "Just because it hasn't been recognized doesn't mean that it's not a problem," insists Walker. "I had Restless Leg Syndrome as a child and that has only just recently become a thing, you know."

Because Uncle Earl of Uncle Earl's Smoky Texas BBQ Sauces was confirmed amongst the victims, sales of his award winning barbecue sauce have skyrocketed. His widow, Auntie Bev, says that it just touches her heart. "He put a lot of love into his sauce every morning," she told us, wiping away a few tears. "It's just so good that y'all are remembering him in this way as you put my Earl's special sauce on everything."

Heavy rains are expected both Tuesday and Wednesday this week, so survivors of last night's storm are asked to make plans in advance to avoid a similar incident. "We just need to save as many lives as possible," Walker said. "So if your nose is a little high in the air, come over to my place and let's drink some 25 year old single malt scotch. We'll talk about the little people. And then we'll work on your disease."