If your birthday this weekend: Birthdays always stir feelings and this one is no different especially when you don’t appeal to the younger demographic and go home alone to a sprawling king sized bed.
Aries: Believe it or not, doing something as simple as stabbing a cabbie to death will make you feel youthful and reduce the stressors in your life.
Taurus: There will be ridiculous, expensive, destructive, and impractical conflicts with others this weekend over the wonders of Hong Kong Phooey.
Gemini: It will surprise you to learn that the reason you are so angry all the time has nothing to do with the 150,000 drivers with underdeveloped brains you ran into on the highway.
Cancer: The situation with your premature ejaculation is finally resolved when your girlfriend breaks up with you.
Leo: Even though you have slight doubt you go ahead and buy the particle accelerator from the guy at the flea market who sells the used Nintendo GameCube and Sega Genesis games.
Virgo: This is an excellent time to be setting goals and pursuing your ambitions to remake the “Donna Reed Show,” for the FX audience.
Libra: Time spent with friends can heighten your personal life this weekend, Funshine Bear and Brave Heart Lion will especially perk you up.
Scorpio: Managing your emotions will be more difficult this weekend than usual, for your assessment of the situation is totally wrong.
Sagittarius: Taking practical steps, such as letting doors slam in faces, in developing obnoxious behavior allows you to really become the misogynistic asshole you were born to be .
Capricorn: Your kindness doesn’t change the fact you’re known as Sausage Legs to everyone.
Aquarius: you will get fired Friday, finally time to begin an inner transformation project of becoming a worthless fatass who eats Funyuns.
Pisces: Don’t plan anything especially important or too strenuous this weekend the accident at Safeway will limit all movement for six to eight weeks.