Conservative Hypocrites of America Look to Make a Big Splash in 2012

Reginald Kennedy says that Americans are
tired of flip floppers who aren't flip floppers.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - There's a new third party entering into the fray for the 2012 Presidential election, and they think that they can make a big, big impact on the election this year.

"Oh yeah. We expect Ross Perot numbers at least," Reginald Kennedy, who is the head of this new party and will be on the ballot this November. "We might even win some delegates and lock up the entire process for awhile."

What is the new party that Kennedy leads? The Conservative Hypocrites of America Party, or CHAP.

"At CHAP, we believe that you can believe whatever you want to believe at any given time," Kennedy told us. "But we'll judge you about what you believe when it conflicts with what we believe when we want to believe it."

What kind of overall platform does CHAP have? "We stand for individual beliefs," Kennedy said. "We feel that the American people are tired of politicians that flip flop on the issues when it serves their own needs, but pretend to have Christian values and promote honesty and integrity to their home voters. We're turning that on its head and saying 'Yeah! We might change our minds. We might do something totally different than what we told you. In fact, we're already thinking about it.' And we're finding that people are ok with that."

So how will CHAP fix the economy. "We're going to nuke China so they stop buying up all the oil," Kennedy said. "Then we'll invade all of the collective Middle Eastern countries to take control of the world's oil reserves so that Americans can have 99 cent gas again. When that happens, we'll probably party hearty."

And will this take a tax increase? "Of course not!" said Kennedy. "There's going to be no new taxes in my campaign."

If there is an unlikely vote to make Kennedy President? "If I'm the second Kennedy elected as President of the United States, the first thing I'm doing is writing checks to every American for $1 million," he told us. "Once I've done that, I'll have NBC bring back Farscape and Firefly. And that's a promise you can go to the bank on."

From Prostitute To Pastor: Former Vaughn Prostitute Ordained

Gomez now a pastor? The Presbyterians
say "Yeah baby!"

ALBUQUERQUE, NM - Nadia Gomez, who recently picked up her first acting gig in a Christian film after being the only prostitute in the town of Vaughn, NM, for some time, has recently been ordained into the Presbyterian USA denomination of the Christian faith as a minister. The Pummelo has been able to confirm this confirmation through her agent, Samuel Maxwell.

"She's extremely excited about taking this next step toward personal enlightenment," Maxwell told us over the phone early this morning. "She's looking forward to showing the world what one simple but extremely hot prostitute from a ghost town in the desert can do to change the lives of others."

Following in the footsteps of Crissy Moran, Sky Lopez, and Erica Campbell, Gomez says she's out to prove now that $20 blow jobs and $50 tricks are a thing of the past. "I just feel all different inside now," Gomez said proudly. "I guess when you have sex with 1000 different guys in 1000 days it really has the ability to change your perspective on things."

"When you put your job title up on Facebook, actress and pastor looks a lot better than prostitute," she continued. "I think I can finally be proud of myself."

Many doubt her ability to lead a congregation of believers, and Gomez doesn't hide the fact that she isn't ready either. "Three weeks ago I was doing things I probably shouldn't have been doing and I need to heal from my poor decisions," she told us. "I'm not going to be a megachurch pastor by any means. I just want to be able to help other girls like me while I act, and the Presbyterians have recognized my ability to be able to do this and I'm grateful."

Maxwell tells us that he still fields calls from Gomez's former clients, and expects more so now that she has been officially ordained. "There's a lot of dudes out there and even a few chicks that can say that they banged her hard," he said. "Now that she's kind of off limits, they want an even bigger piece of the pie."

Gomez says she got a $1,000 offer by text even. "Not bad considering the last time I charged the guy $75, but that is my old life," she said. "I need to focus on my new life and not ruin my acting career."

Your Weekend Death and Dentistry, May 25-28, 2012

Your Weekend Death & Dentistry For 5/25-28/12: 

If Your Birthday Is This Weekend:  Expect everyone to forget because hey it’s Memorial Day weekend and there is drinking and grilling to do.

Aries: When Thich Nat Hahn’s newest book is page after page calling you a hooligan maybe it is time to reevaluate your behavior.

Taurus: Broken windows, doors off the hinges, yes Neighbor Bob will be returning that cup of sugar.

Gemini: You’ll have to have your left leg removed below the knee, three others dead, more proof the bus driver is a complete psychopath or very lazy when pulling into stop.

Cancer:  Your refrigerator magnet collection has a created a unique magnetic wave and given sentience to the ice marker, who is now planning world domination.  

Leo: Just so you know, the housekeeper has evidence of your bizarre habit of kissing a Bugs Bunny charm before masturbating with a can of candied yams.

Virgo: This afternoon you’ll become frighteningly aware of your left nostril.

Libra: Yes it has come to this, cleaning up other people’s eye boogers for extra cash.

Scorpio: Neighbor Ted is still taking your silk panties before they go into the delicate cycle.

Sagittarius: The good news is you’ll have another forty or more hours in the esteem-crushing work environment of the Dollar Store next week.

Capricorn: This weekend’s lesson is that it is always more comfortable to rob someone’s home when the house is empty.

Aquarius: Come Monday you’ll finally crawl home reeking in a back alley, meth-smoking, dumpster diving way even though you only ate at the food court.

Pisces: Another weekend polishing Legos.

Michael Moore Exposes Jared and Subway as Frauds

MILFORD, CT – One of the nations biggest finger pointers and pot stirrers is at it again and this time he has his sites set on one of the nation’s largest food chains.  Michael Moore, the infamous filmmaker who enjoys exposing the government and the 90% from the Occupy Wall Street protests, is now going to exploit America’s healthiest fast food chain, Subway, and its poster boy as frauds.  “Everyone thinks that Subway has the magic pill for fat people,” says Ron Perkins, a spokesperson for Michael Moore and the William Morris Endeavor.  “They clearly don’t have a magic pill and Michael has taken it upon himself to expose them as frauds.  If the Subway method worked that well, we’d see thousands of Jared Fogel’s on TV.”

Subway Restaurants first placed Jared Fogel on television to talk about his weight loss on January 1, 2000.  America was mesmerized by Jared’s story and Subway’s revenue began to spike as the country tried to lose weight and be like Jared.  Michael Moore, however, was one of the skeptical ones and began to dig around to find the truth behind Jared’s story.  “Come one, let’s be realistic,” Perkins continued, “there is no way in hell that Jared Fogel went from 425 pounds down to 190 pounds just by eating Subway twice a day, eating a small bag of chips, and drinking diet soda.  Exercise and a healthy diet will help anyone lose weight but he lost 235 pounds in less than a year!  There’s no way this is legitimate and Mr. Moore is going to set the story straight.”

According to Perkins, Michael Moore has an informant who used to be work in the Subway headquarters.  The informant, who now works for Quiznos, contacted Moore about Jared’s miraculous weight loss.  With the proper diet and exercise, Jared Fogel had managed to lose 65 pounds over a four-month period but the Subway executives needed more weight loss and they needed it quickly so they could meet their deadline for the January 1, 2000 commercial.  It was quickly decided that Jared would continue with his diet and exercise plan but he would also begin receiving fat burning injections of B12 and Lipotropics.  Jared signed the disclosure to receive the abnormal amount of injections and the rest is history.

The Pummelo has learned that the Subway legal team is demanding the name of Michael Moore’s informant so that they can take legal action. They are pursuing a cease and desist order to prevent Moore from finishing his documentary.  All of the legal bantering, however, is falling on Moore’s chubby, deaf ears as he continues to wrap up shooting of his documentary and make it available by December of 2012.  “This just goes to show you,” Perkins added, “that with exercise, a healthy Subway diet, and $140 per week for B12 and Lipotronic injections, you too can look just like Jared.  I just hope that while Jared was on his way to ‘Eat Fresh’ at Subway, that he was also receiving ‘Fresh’ needles for his injections.”  Can you Staph Infection, Jared?

Name Any Place And He Hasn't Been There

Layton Moncrieff Has never been there man.

MARIENTHAL, KS – Layton Moncrieff was announced today as president of the “Home Sweet Home” club via a letter to the Garden City Telegram in Garden City Kansas. Moncrieff will be the semi-official spokesman for the estimated two billion people on the planet that have never been more than a five miles from their home.

Moncrieff, 69, has never left Wichita County and other than grocery trips to the county seat of Leoti has never been more than two miles from the 140 year old homestead that he and generations of Moncrieff’s have lived and farmed, and raised dairy cows on.

“I have to say I’m a little surprised by this,” Moncrieff said from his home. “I’m honored, I believe that with so much emphasis on travel and all the silly programs on satellite we forget the joys of home. I know when my son Jules returned from his army duty in Korea and Germany in 91’ he said he wouldn’t be leaving again.”

Moncrieff said that there is very little reason to travel when you have fresh milk and eggs at home and you make some allowances to the modern age like satellite and internet.

“The world is an ugly violent place, here in this old stone house it’s cool and safe and Maggie (his wife) and I don’t need to worry about riots and Occupy or Tea Party protests,” 

Moncrieff said. “We don’t need to worry about getting lost; we just have to make sure we can get in the root cellar for beets or if a tornado comes.”

As president of the club Moncrieff said he doesn’t seem to be many duties just an occasional column in Nostalgia Magazine.

“There isn't any real tracking of membership, no meetings or annual dues,” said Moncrieff. “There is a two dollar up front cost for the bumper sticker but that’s it. Now if you’ll excuse me Maggie has a fresh strawberry-rhubarb pie.” 

Family Makes Fortune By Scrapbooking Human Remains

Scrapbooking the dead has apparently been big business
for one Wisconsin couple.

MADISON, WI - Officials in this capital city are wondering what to charge a couple with today as it has been discovered that they have been running an underground human remains scrapbooking business. Apparently the couple, Fred and Carla Wilmington, have been taking scraps of skin, hair, and other body parts, preserving them, and then have delightfully scrapbooked them in a commemorative album for grieving family members since 1991.

"It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my 15 years on the job," said Madison police office Jergen Wilson. "To do what they've been doing to the bodies of the dead is revolting. It's disgusting. It's inhumane. It's pukey. It's enough to make me want to go to Texas Roadhouse and actually order a steak dinner."

The Wilmingtons, who would charge a family $199.95 for a 20 page album, would come to a service just before the funeral was to begin, with the family's permission, and harvest items from the dead that could not be seen during open casket ceremonies. For closed casket ceremonies, the Wilmingtons reportedly charged $299.95, but would include slices of organs in the commemorative album as well depending on the condition of the body.

Harriet Maurer is a big fan of the Wilmington's work. "When my Robert died in 1998 in a terrible car accident, I thought I was going to be devastated. But then I heard about the Wilmingtons and what they offered people, and so I had pieces of my Robert's heart preserved so that he can live up to his promise to love me with all his heart until the day I die."

Assistant District Attorney Peter Welch tells The Pummelo that he is pretty positive some laws have been broken, but his office just isn't sure which ones. "We're probably going to charge them with body tampering because of the profits they've been making without paying sales taxes to the state. We've got to do something since Scott Walker won't raise taxes and has eliminated employee bargaining, you know."

It is unknown how much the Wilmingtons have made from this business venture, but it is estimated to be at least seven figures. "And the next time I have a family member who passes away, I'm going to make sure that part of them gets saved in a commemorative scrapbook made by them as well," Maurer tells us. "It's much, much better to have this than some lousy funeral home bulletin."

The Wilmingtons could not be reached for comment on this story.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, May 24, 2012

Death & Dentistry For 5/24/12: 

If Today Is Your Birthday:  It’s nice that the liquor store owner gives you two bottles of Boone’s Farm since no one else remembered what today was.

Aries: Well even if it was with the lecherous mail boy being trapped in an elevator for six hours gets you out of marketing meetings.

Taurus: That homeless woman just wanted coffee now she will curse you with an addiction even worse than Starbucks.

Gemini: I can’t imagine why your wife wants a diesel powered sex toy either.

Cancer:  While it may seem ghastly at least Dr. Atrocious will preserve your brain so your mother has something to bury.

Leo: “Two Dollar Whore Night” at Coyote Slim’s sounds appalling to me, but hey to each his own.

Virgo: Despite what you may think Jackpot, Nevada pays off no better than any other gambling town so you’ll still go home broke.

Libra: Just so you know the FBI has picked up on the fact 27 Avon dealers have disappeared within three miles of your apartment since Febuary.

Scorpio: No Neighbor Bob is actually planting a garden, not claymores this time.

Sagittarius: The good news is you’ll appear in JAMA, Scientific America, and on Discovery Science next month.

Capricorn: Playing chicken with bullets trains is a urban legend as you are about to discover.

Aquarius: Dreadful things happen after you walk under a ladder, should have listened to Uncle Ethelbert all those years ago.

Pisces: Neighbor Ted will replant the begonias underneath the bathroom window, just don’t make too big a deal of it.

Facebook IPO Problems Due To Lack of Toilet Paper

This scene cost investors billions of dollars.

LOS ANGELES, CA - Though stocks have rebounded today some, those who have invested in the Facebook IPO at $38 per share, with some investors purchasing stocks as high as $45 on the initial offering, are feeling the pinch of stocks that have lost almost $16 billion in overall value for Facebook as a company.

There have been many theories in regards to what has happened to cause this IPO to fail so dramatically. Some blame the primary trader Morgan Stanley. Some blame Zuckerberg and his lack of organization as an organization coming into the public sector. Still others blame it on the fact that more and more users of Facebook are transitioning to free mobile apps to access the site, thus reducing the amount of actual revenues that Facebook receives.

Our investigative correspondent, codenamed "Shallow Throat," has discovered that none of this is actually the case, even though there are now several extravagant lawsuits that have been filed that claim otherwise. "It certainly was a case of human error," Shallow Throat reported to us this morning, "but it's not the kind of human error that you'd expect."

You see, long time Facebook employee Carl Reynolds was the man responsible for making the transfer take place. "Apparently Mr. Reynolds went out with his wife the night before to celebrate the fact that he was going to become an instant multi-millionaire and they ate some spicy Mexican food," Shallow Throat told us. "This caused Mr. Reynolds to report to work slightly late thanks to a heavy flow of diarrhea."

"Upon logging into the system, Mr. Reynolds got as far as the transfer point for the IPO when he felt himself shart in his drawers - which means that along with the fart that came out, he let out a little bit of poo too," Shallow Throat explained. "This caused Mr. Reynolds to bolt for the men's room closest to his office."

And that, according to Shallow Throat, is where the problems truly began. "Mr. Reynolds discovered that after he had lost five pounds of food from last night, there was no toilet paper to help him get clean.  In his rush, he left his phone at his desk, and considering the level of diarrhea coverage in his crack, he did not feel comfortable leaving the toilet. Therefore Mr. Reynolds had to wait approximately three hours before someone came into the bathroom and could bring in a new roll of toilet paper for him to use."

We put in a request to Mark Zuckerberg for an official comment from Facebook, but have yet to hear a response.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, May 23, 2012

Death & Dentistry For 5/23/12: 

If Today Is Your Birthday:  Your parents do a wall post on Facebook that reads: “Son, a spontaneous honeymoon vacation in Bahamas. Will try and get together when we get back.”

Aries: Third and fourth vertebra crushed, 6 ribs broken, and a popped spleen. Next time just let Neighbor Bob have his shuttlecock back promptly.

Taurus: Today would be a good time to think of how you can reduce the time it takes to do the more monotonous things in your life like cleaning the blood off the car grill and underneath, or sharpening your machete.

Gemini: You should just throw caution to the wind and confide to Twitter all the things you like about rough sex with your Aunt John.

Cancer:  You’ll fall from your sister’s 20^th floor balcony, possibly due to some unresolved conflict with her and her husband.

Leo: Even though it tested through the roof with your frat house focus group, your new pick-up line is a complete disaster.

Virgo: Neighbor Ted loves the fact that he can smell you on your bed sheets after you leave, maybe check the locks and do the laundry more often.

Libra: Big changes could be in your future after the boss notices that copy of “An Idiot’s Guide to Cockfighting” you’re reading.

Scorpio: Outright ineptitude with a voodoo doll will break down into unbridled chaos for you later.

Sagittarius: You would like to make a difference in the world today. You can do this by more efficient use of hand tools to kill rather than gas powered ones.

Capricorn: Be sure not to get too pessimistic about the current situation you’ll never get untied in time if you fall into depression and crying.

Aquarius: Misogynist, patronizing, and lewd language sure is impressive on a first date.

Pisces: Convoluted adventures with Napoleon Bonaparte’s ghost are ahead now that you have discovered you’re Great-Aunt Dottie’s ebony scarab pin and are wearing it to work.

California Will Ban Animals From Cars After Lap Dog Bites Police Officer

SACRAMENTO, CA – A new driving law being proposed in California has senior citizens, animal lovers, AARP, and PETA rallying at the state capitol.  The new law, which would ban animals from being allowed to remain loose inside of a moving vehicle, was quietly pushed through the process and is in its final stages of passing but California AARP got wind of the quick moving bill and has circled the wagons to stop it.  “We’re very concerned about the passing of this bill,” said California AARP representative Miles Downy.  “It will not only affect senior citizens and animal lovers in California but we’re afraid it will spread faster than an STD from a World War II soldier and the entire nation will adopt this new law.”

The incident that caused this California legal firestorm was a routine traffic stop in Yuba City.  A police officer pulled over 64-year-old Earnest Bartlett after he failed to stop at a four-way stop.  While waiting for the driver’s license and registration, Mr. Bartlett’s Pug dog "Rufus" snipped at Officer Delgado’s hand.  The dog, unfortunately, broke skin and the 64-year-old dog owner was sited for failing to stop and for assaulting a police officer.  Animal control was called and in a series of quick movements, both dog and owner were looking out through divider bars of law enforcement vehicles.

The police report states that while being questioned about his failure to stop, Earnest Bartlett’s dog was resting on his lap and was not properly contained inside the moving vehicle.  The Delgado incident quickly spread throughout the precinct and within days the Sutter County District Attorney’s office was lobbying politicians to pass a new law that would prohibit animals sitting on passenger’s laps and roaming free inside of a moving car.  Politicians, of course, acted quickly to help protect law enforcement personnel and the proposed law was taking a red eye flight to the top.

“We have every right to have an animal in our car,” Miles Downy continued, “and drivers are responsible enough to ensure that the lap dog is not interfering with our ability drive safely.  This is starting to look like another cell phone driving law but it’s not just affecting the driver, it’s affecting the animals and that’s why we got PETA involved.  Making animal owners kennel up their animals in the car while driving is cruel punishment.  We have a lot of people on our side and we’ll make sure this law doesn’t pass.”

While the Sutter County District Attorney’s office had no comment regarding this story, Maria Jurgenson, a spokesperson for the Yuba City Police Department, did state, “We are committed to protecting law enforcement officials and citizens from random acts of aggression or distractibility that can be caused by an animal inside of a moving car.  This is why we fully support the proposed law.  I think people need to take a step back and look at the whole picture.  What if a teenager had a dog in her lap, the dog starting wagging his tail in the driver’s face, and the driver accidently crashed into a retirement home?  You better believe action would be taken after that!”

In the mean time, protests will continue outside the state capitol until law makers acknowledge that animals also have Freedom of Choice and that they are choosing to roam free inside a moving vehicle. 

Government Study Finds Most Axe Murders Prefer Rusty Tools

A recent US Government clinical study suggests that most
axe murders prefer utilizing a rusty tool.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The results of the latest clinical study funded by the US government is in, and the results are shocking for many people - and especially people in the backwoods.

"We have come to the conclusion that if you keep better care of your wood chopping equipment, such as an axe, that the overall murder rate in the United States will go down dramatically," said Dr. Eric Weinstein, Executive Director of the Weinstein Group in Boston, MA, and the man responsible for directing the government funded study on violent aggression. "We encourage everyone to go find all of their outdoor equipment and make sure there is no rust on it whatsoever."

That's because over 80% of serial killers or those whose psychiatric scores indicated that they could become a serial killer told researchers that if given the choice of instrument, they would choose a rusty one. It didn't matter whether it was a hatchet, a knife, a soldering iron, a toothbrush, or even the charred and sharpened remains of someone's Aunt Bertha - rustier was better. "We believe that it has something to do with how the general public regards rusty items," commented Dr. Weinstein. "Rusty things are scary things. You don't park next to a rusty car, right? You don't hang around a lot of gingers, right? It seems to make a lot of sense."

Harold Wayne Majors, who is serving three life sentences for bludgeoning three women to death in the middle of the night, tells us that he loved the feeling of a rusty item in his hands. "When I'd hold a rusty instrument just before I was about to kill someone, I could see the rust stains on my hands and it was like a precursor of the blood that was about to be spilled on my hands." He smiled through the reinforced glass at our reporter. "It was very arousing, to say the least."

Weinstein's research also indicated that those who owned rusty tools or instruments were three times as likely to be brutally murdered in their sleep with their own instruments. "If you own rusty stuff, it's like waving bacon in front of a hungry man," Weinstein said. "You're just asking to get yourself murdered. That's why we're encouraging everyone to clean all of their tools and equipment as soon as possible."

Joy Baker, an activist affiliated with the Occupy Boston group, tells us that this study is ridiculous. "Just like guns don't kill people, rusty tools don't kill people," she said. "People kill people and that's why I run around topless in the streets - to protest people killing people."

Without rusty instruments readily available, it is suggest that the murder rate could go down as much as 40%. "Yeah I don't like guns at all," said Majors. "It's too impersonal. And if there weren't any rusty objects around, I probably wouldn't have killed those three women. It just wouldn't have been as much fun."

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, May 22, 2012

Death & Dentistry For 5/22/12: 

If Today Is Your Birthday:  Your hopes of love seem to be growing longer with each passing year, so giving up and becoming a lonely gopher poisoner on the great plains seems reasonable.

Aries: You’re going to be on TV, it’s going to be a big brouhaha about how you were killed by a hoard of Tasmanian Devils escaped from the zoo.

Taurus: You’ll have a September that very few people have ever enjoyed, except it is still May and the stupid continues to pile up

Gemini: To succeed you have to have a certain kind of personality that I don't think you have.

Cancer: The chemical spill at work didn’t give you super powers, but each day you will begin to look more and more like Grandpa Munster

Leo: The good news is that you’ll never have to be concerned about combustible sexual chemistry scarring you.

Virgo: Neighbor Bob also likes tearing Band-Aids off, as well as skin so don’t share your new hobby with him.

Libra: So you made an ass of yourself by talking the guy into jumping rather than convincing life is worth living, relax it happens.

Scorpio: Your enemy the rake-axe is lying in wait somewhere

Sagittarius: Relying on hardcore hate mongering and insecurity is probably going to help you get elected Grand Wizard of your Klavern but is that wise as the sheriff’s public information officer?

Capricorn: You know, braggadocio probably works for Robert Downey Jr., however we advise you look in the mirror and see if you are as good looking and witty before trying it out.

Aquarius:  What do you have against Barbarians anyway? Way to be insensitive to other cultures, dick.

Pisces: Shouting, "By the balding dome of LeRoy!" every time you run out of coffee is making everyone in the nursing home ask their relatives to get them a gun, maybe tome it down a little.

You Thought Your Life Was Bad...

I've been a bit more personal here on Pummelo lately, and that's because sometimes life is a journey that you enjoy and sometimes it isn't. For me, it's one of those times that it isn't. You see, my addiction to cheeseburgers is sadly at it's end for a long, long time. But maybe, just maybe, you can be like Soul Asylum and join me in my misery.

Have you seen Fat, Sick, & Nearly Dead? So yeah -  I might not have an autoimmune disease, but I do have what is called a hiatal hernia. That's when your stomach ends up busting through your diaphragm and part of it gets trapped above that beautiful muscle that causes your hiccups. Now I might not be the skinniest person in the world, but I'm definitely nowhere near the fattest either. In fact, I'm only 40 pounds above my soccer playing weight, so this is truly going to be an interesting experience.

Now I can't eat a normal diet while dieting... of course not! No spicy foods, no beef, limited dairy, limited desserts [that might be the worst part], no chocolate, no caffeine [sorry doc, four kids three & under require caffeine], and limited pasta. I'm supposed to replace these things with low fat foods and proteins, most of which contain soybeans, of which I'm allergic. That means I can eat some chicken, some pork, beans, eggs, pretty much any vegetable except corn [another allergy], low fat cheese, and non fat yogurt. *shudder*

So... I have two options. I can either diet and attempt to shrink my stomach enough where it pops back into place where it should go, or I have a rather invasive surgery because a laparoscopic option isn't on the table. It would have been if my stomach had caused the hernia itself, but it didn't. You see, I managed to rip my diaphragm muscle during a special music offertory performance at my church, of all things, as I belted out a beautiful high note that generated lots of applause.

Ok - a spattering of applause. From the back. I am a Baptist, after all.

What I've decided to do is the juice fast thing for this dieting experience. This means no solid foods, supposedly no caffeine [yeah, not going to happen there], and only fruits & vegetables that have been juiced and/or blended are consumed four times per day over a predetermined period. Dude on Fat Sick & Nearly Dead lost like 80 pounds in two months of doing a juice fast... which isn't going to happen for me. If I lost 80 pounds, I'd be at 150 and I haven't been that light since eighth grade. I'd be wearing 26/30 pants.

And I have to say that the drink isn't that bad... but it isn't that good. At least it isn't wheat grass. And blended kale, spinach, onions, tomatoes, pears, and whatever is better than being cut open like a slaughtered pig to have a muscle repaired and a stomach repositioned. So we shall see what happens on this journey. I might fit into my cool clothes again. I might die of cheeseburger withdrawal. I might go all Hamburglar style and steal a bunch of cheeseburgers from McDonald's because that's the only fast food place within an hour of my place. Who knows.

So if you are thinking about losing some weight, check with your doctor first and then check out the juice fasting option. I encourage you to join me on this miserable journey so at the very least we can be miserable together. And if you do decide to join this misery train, send me your experiences, pictures, or even videos at thepummelo@hotmail.com and I'll publish your story along with mine. If you decide not to do so, then laugh at how miserable I become over the next six weeks and feel good about yourself while you eat your precious fatty foods. It's all good.

All good, that is, except for this stupid ripped diaphragm.

Octomom & 30 Kid Man: A Match Made in Heaven?

Octomom. Courtesy of TMZ.com. For more photos,
check out the original article.

You've probably heard of Nadya Suleman, though you likely know her much better as "Octomom." You have also likely heard of Desmond Hatchett, who has fathered 30 children and is struggling to provide for them as he works a minimum wage job in the State of Tennessee.

Some might call for a celebrity death match. Others might call for a Fox boxing match ala Tonya Harding. Not us here at The Pummelo, however. What do we think they should do?

We think the two of them should hook up.

After all, Octomom is on state benefits for her 14 children because she makes less than $114,000 per year - even though she is doing porn. And Hatchett pays out $1.49 per month to some kids because he spends more time making babies with 11 baby mamas instead of progressing in a career. So it seems like these two would be a match made in heaven.

Forget Kate Plus 8. Forget the Duggars. Let's get a family together that has 44 children between the two of them, put them into a building like Big Brother, and make it a weekly series. It could be your savior, Netflix, because you keep taking off the good movies and putting on stuff before my mother was born. Amazon Prime? You could take the shares away from Netflix by producing your own series. And what about you, Fox? Couldn't you use a ratings boost like nothing else?

I guarantee you this would be reality series gold. And the best part about making this reality series is that it will make all of us feel much, much better about our own situations, which means we'll all tune in to watch it every week so we can laugh at their misery and feel good. After all, I've got 4 kids that are 3 and under. Imagine have 40 more kids to take care of? No thank you.

There's other plus sides to this as well. It'll get Octomom off of welfare. It'll allow Hatchett to pay his kids something that they truly deserve beyond just a Hershey chocolate bar once a month. It'll allow all 44 kids to have a shot at a decent life and at the very least make them all famous so that they might be able to get a college education that is guaranteed. You could even have Jerry Springer host and narrate the show for the extra touch of classy sleaziness.

And I can hear people now saying "Come on - we'd never watch crap like that!" Please fool. If the Baptists go sneak out on Friday nights to pick up wine coolers from the liquor store, then we know that millions will sneakily watch this show and tell no one about it. It'll be the richest elephant in the room in the history of elephants that are in the room. You know it. We know it. So let's make this happen.

And when you do, remember you had The Pummelo to thank for this brilliantly horrible idea that is going to bring in millions. You're welcome.