Your Weekend Death and Dentistry, June 1-3, 2012

Your Weekend Death & Dentistry For 6/1-3/12: 

If Your Birthday Is This Weekend:  The cockatiel you receive from your aunt is a generous gift but it has a lot of rage to work out.

Aries: Yes, being a drunken, slovenly skank who often wakes up in the back of a ’79 Chrysler van is a career move.

Taurus: A sweet man you meet at the club will provide a pleasant weekend in the freezer of an abandoned International House of Pancakes in Flint, Michigan.

Gemini: Neighbor Bob can smell the scent of fear.

Cancer: A peaceful, romantic weekend at a bed and breakfast on Martha’s Vineyard is ludicrously unlikely, remember who you’re married, oh wait never mind he’s not coming.

Leo: You’ll get shot 13 times for the betterment of society at least that will be the police report.

Virgo:  Your sneeze will eventually cause a tornado in Kansas or somewhere that will kill a poor puppy, next time take the allergy medicine.

Libra: You and I both know that stopping alien kidnappings is easy, but trolls, well I can’t help you with that one so Saturday will be exciting.

Scorpio: You’ll find out it wasn’t such a good idea to bury Mr. Spots in that old, abandoned pet cemetery.

Sagittarius: Doctor Paracelsus Homunculus’ cosmic ray experiments with your house are about to come to fruition.

Capricorn: You were previously very skeptical of the reality of “The Hairy Creature” but by Monday you’ll be one of the foremost advocates for its existence.

Aquarius: No, you’re probably not as exciting as some other people, but you can still, like ... do polite stuff for people so there is that.

Pisces: Holy! That's a dark prophecy. Uhm, never mind push it out of your head, Pisces. Push it riiiight out of the head.

John Edwards & the University of Florida Set to Release Parenting Books

GAINESVILLE, FL – “Our society is drastically changing and it is the children who are falling through the cracks.  Single parent families are more common than condom machines at truck stop and nobody seems to care.  We have parents working double shifts or working two or three jobs to make ends meet but no one is home with these children.  There are thousands of children who have no role models in their lives but are expected to survive and become good citizens.  Well, someone has to step forward and help these children and it will be John Edwards and the University of Florida who leads the charge.”  Those words spoken by University of Florida Psychology professor Neil West have not only rang true but are giving many single parent families hope.

In order to make this project successful, John Edwards and the University of Florida reached out to John Wiley & Sons, the publishers of the For Dummies series, to assist them changing the face of this nation.  “John Wiley & Sons was very receptive to our idea and jumped on board right away,” said Professor West.  “This project is the brainchild of John Edwards and it is intended for parents to receive these books and let their children read them while they’re not home.  Then, when they have chance to sit down and talk with their children, they can review the books just like a book club.  This book club, however, is real life situations and will help those children who only have one parent home for five or six hours each day.”  West continues by stating that, “we’ve been working together for 19 months now and have our initial series of books ready to roll out.  We have targeted children of different age groups from toddlers up to middle school.”

Some of the early books available through the project include: Dr. Sess’ S-E-X, Why Is Mommy Moaning, Where The Sidewalk Ends: Lessons in Life, How to Live With a Mean Drunk, Why Do I Have Hair in Funny Places, The Truth Behind Scooby Snacks, and Elmo Experiments: Understanding Your Urges.  The idea, according to West, is to supply a sampling of free copies to low-income homes through the help of local social services around the country.  While some of the books appear to have a juvenile theme, simply based on the cover art, the Professor assures us that the message is loud in clear in each book regardless of the age of the child reading them.  “A John Edwards jury would have no problem giving a positive verdict for these selections,” West laughed. 

John Edwards was in North Carolina at press time and was not available for comment.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, May 31, 2012

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 5/31/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  Like many people on their birthday, you frequently idealize my childhood, because it was awesome compared to yours.

Aries: After immersing yourself in the woods and in the meadows you’ll be rushed to the ER with multiple snake bites.

Taurus: The more you talk about women needing to be quiet the worse the beatings will be

Gemini: It took years, but when the fog clears your suspicion that you were a princess will still be wrong.

Cancer: In an effort to start over with you, Neighbor Ted will now only masturbate on the couch and not in your closet.

Leo: A cursory Google search shows you’re still insignificant.

Virgo: Neighbor Bob really didn’t want to assault you with his new crossbow but then you had to trip and fall on his lawn.

Libra: You admired the resolve of Atom Ant, until today when you discover he is a cartoon character.

Scorpio: You can’t tamp out the coming gloom with sex, alcohol and drugs so maybe early suicide.

Sagittarius: Judging from the reception, no one’s really buying your marriage as lasting a month.

Capricorn: Not everyone thinks it’s dangerous and hazardous to ride an escalator, but they will after today.

Aquarius: You underestimate how fast a Zamboni is in showing off for the kids.

Pisces: A pair of vicious squirrels caught in your shorts will make an interesting story to someone, won’t be kids or grandkids now of course.

Man Dies While Fighting Miller Moths

MEEKER, CO – A small Colorado town is shaken over the death of a local man as he attempted to rid his house of Miller Moths.  What started out as the mysterious disappearance of 63-year-old Alvin Manz, quickly turned into his mysterious death and has gotten the Rio Blanco County Sheriff’s Department involved.  “It sounds very suspicious to everyone here,” says Meeker resident Dorothy Frink.  “First his car goes missing and now they’re saying that Alvin was dead inside of his home the entire time?  That’s just fishy.  I think we’ve got some sort of psycho, serial killer running around and victimizing small Colorado towns.  Someone needs to take this serious before more people die.”

According to the Sherriff’s Department report, Alvin loaned his car to his nephew so that he could take tours of different college programs in the Midwest.  No one, except Alvin’s immediately family, knew why his car was gone.  During that time, Manz kept to himself and maintained his typical low profile but the community didn’t become concerned until the local postal worker watched Alvin’s mail began to pile up.  That was when local authorities found Manz dead in his home.  The Sherriff’s report stated that Alvin Manz was found dead in his bed and the condition in his home was suspect.  Throughout the home, dozens of Miller Moths were found along with an endless amount of spider webs in every corner of the house.

After questioning local residents, the Sherriff’s Department discovered that Alvin had a fascination with spiders and was using them to get rid of the Meeker, and statewide, problem with Miller Moths.  It was the spiders, however, that ended up being his demise.  “Oh yeah,” Dorothy Frink continued, “Alvin loved spiders.  He was completely fascinated with them; everyone in town called him Spider Manz because of it.”  When asked about the Miller Moths epidemic, Dorothy nodded to acknowledge Alvin’s plan.  “Those damn Miller Moths are everywhere this year.  They get in your house, your car, your clothes, and your bathroom towels.  They’ve taken over the town!  Alvin was trying to kill them off with his spiders by letting them get trapped in the webs.  I guess he had too many spiders loose in his house and one of them poisonous ones bit him.  It’s a shame.  He was doing it for the good of the community and it looks like it backfired.”

As the community mourns the loss of their Spider Manz, many have asked and wondered who will continue his legacy.  Maybe it will be a nephew or even a niece.  Regardless of who it will be, everyone hopes it will happen soon before the moths control the town.  “We need someone to step up, a younger generation of Manz, and help out,” Dorothy said, “We need a new Spider Manz.”

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, May 30, 2012

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 5/30/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  Your grandpa will be everywhere you go today, not offering advice just staring at you silently and sharpening his knife or cleaning his gun. Tonight celebrate previously unknown family traditions.

Aries: A sleazy corporate shill will offer you a chance to make your own reality show about hunting ghost crocodiles in old barns and pawn shops today as a way to test getting you into bed.

Taurus: A new front in the Garden Gnome/Bunny war is about to open near your hot tub.

Gemini: It’s very nice of you to let a cursed gypsy caravan move in to the back yard.

Cancer: Apparently no one taught you that burning bridges is meant as a metaphor for breaking with your past.

Leo: Your mom is wrong,  you are not a late bloomer, you’re just a lazy unfocused floor sweeper with delusions of grandeur.

Virgo: As much as you enjoy and look forward to his witticisms, Neighbor Bob is extremely serious about using you in his knife throwing carnival act.

Libra: An attempt to elude police to avoid a “Driving Without Seatbelt” ticket, is a fine idea and always works out for the best.

Scorpio: Stop worrying about hot Cos Play Elves and focus on yourself.

Sagittarius: Your friends aren’t unreliable; they are the same malicious, vindictive, socially retarded assholes they were in middle school, and you're still the one looking for approval from trolls.

Capricorn: The second someone else touches your penis, you've had sex. Congrats! Be sure to have a commemorative plaques made and posted wherever it happened. And inform the local news.

Aquarius: A doctor can prescribe you some sedatives or anxiolytics for your fear of accidently meeting a group 19^th century circus freaks.

Pisces: Just don’t do what you’re thinking about ok, it simple, just don’t do it.

Binge Drinking, Sex On Rise Among Amish Teens

Shipshewana in crisis?

SHIPSHEWANA, IN – After a late Monday incident where two buggies collided leaving two horses dead and three teens injured, Shipshewana Police Marshall Tom M. Fitch admits he is growing concerned about incidents involving local Amish citizens.

“We have a growing problem,” said Fitch. “Some really unusual behavior from the young people of Elkhart County and Shipshewana, or the young Amish folks anyway. I’m troubled because it is so unusual, in my experience the Amish don’t drink so I’m a little lost.”

Fitch says he wonders if the closing of one of the larger dairy farms by the federal government isn’t the indirect cause.

“The FDA shut down an Amish farmer who was selling fresh raw milk, apparently he was selling it in Michigan as well and that’s illegal,” explained Fitch. “Most of the local farms bought or traded milk with Jacob Bontrager, or had a descendent of his cows and since the FDA took his farm in February these incidents have occurred.”

Fitch added there have been a handful of misdemeanor crimes and summons for public drunkenness, being a public nuisance, and lewd behavior. He connects the timeline of the incidents and the disappearance of the Bontrager milk based on recent studies by Dr. Mark Holbreich an allergist in Indianapolis, has been treating Amish communities in Indiana for two decades.

“I know, it may be crazy,” said Fitch. “However we know their lifestyle leads to fewer allergies, asthma, autism and other childhood afflictions so maybe drinking and promiscuity have similar traits.”

Holbreich said he isn’t sure if there is any data to support such a supposition but he is willing to look in to it at Fitch’s request.

“We’ll get to the bottom of this,” said Holbreich. “I’ve spent too much tome with these families to see them in jail, falling apart or worse making amateur Amish porn.”

After 142 Suicide Attempts, Man Still Can't Figure Out Why His Fingers Don't Shoot Bullets

Martinez says that one of these days it'll happen.

EL PASO, TX - Juan Martinez, 28, first attempted to commit suicide in 1998. Since then, he has attempted suicide another 141 times without success.

"I guess I'm destined to live a long, full life in this world," Martinez told us this morning. "That's pretty fucking depressing. I should go try to kill myself again."

Martinez doesn't believe in hanging, drug overdoses,   forcible drowning, or other traditional suicide methods. "There's nothing more effective than blowing your brains out," Martinez said. "It's quick, it's mostly effective, and even if it isn't, you don't remember what you did to yourself. That's what I'm looking for. Death or life through traumatic brain injury where hot nurses take care of you every day and give you sponge baths."

Martinez has encountered a problem, however, as indicated by 142 unsuccessful attempts to kill himself. "My gun never seems to shoot any bullets," said Martinez. "I can't understand why it never seems to go off when I went it to go off."

We asked Martinez to make his 143 suicide attempt so that we could document it, and it became very apparent why he has been unable to successfully splatter his brains around his apartment like zombie bait. You see, Martinez doesn't actually use a gun. He uses his fingers like they are a gun and then he points it to his head, pulls the trigger by lowering his thumb, and he makes a sound effect with his mouth that mimics a rifle report.

We stopped the suicide attempt once we discovered what was going on and informed Martinez that if he wanted to have scrambled eggs in his head he'd need to purchase a real gun. "But this is a real gun, homie!" he told us. "I even went through the mandatory background check to get it!"

Martinez's doctor, Dr. Maria McGuire, tells us that there is something clearly wrong with Martinez. "What it is, you got me," she said. "He won't take any pills, won't go to any therapy sessions, and won't even have sex with hookers. He just tries to finger himself to death."

"One of these days it's going to happen," Martinez declared. "When it does, I'll be the one having the last laugh. You know, if I could laugh. Because I'll be dead and can't laugh any more. But if I weren't dead and saw myself dead, I'd be laughing at you."

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, May 29, 2012

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 5/29/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  Your mom rescued that half a cupcake from the trash just for you, make sure you give her an extra tight hug.

Aries: If you are choosing a healthier path, you also have to stop the liquor stores from dragging you down. Think about alternatives, arson for instance.

Taurus: The authorities have discovered that you downloaded and maintained a collection of 1,309 LOLCATZ images and clips, laughter and hilarity have ensued.

Gemini:  You thought everyone else was in a super, secret club that was holding you down, truth is you're ignorant, vindictive and a drunk.

Cancer:  Most people have psychiatric troubles instead of demon possession, and then there is you.

Leo: Everyone seems very at terms with Neighbor Bob, because they know what is good for them, like not asking him to turn down the Death Metal at 3:30 am.

Virgo: This afternoon your wife will announce the results of an intense four-month self-improvement project dubbed "Cabana Boy Fucking." 

Libra: You’ll be transferred to the custody of Mexican law enforcement authorities to face unspecified charges this afternoon.

Scorpio: The specter of 9th century monk and chronicler Nennius has decided to be your personal advisor.

Sagittarius: The terrifying spectacle of Aunt Betty sunning herself in the back yard, yep that begins again today.

Capricorn: Neighbor Ted doesn’t mind the little indignities such being caught with an inflatable doll in your closet.

Aquarius: The fragile yet determined immigrant girl from Perloja will steal your heart, car, cash, and identity. Doesn’t matter you had sex.

Pisces: Sometimes life means disposing of 1200 pounds of pubic hair shavings.