UPDATED: Charles Carreon(TM) Sued for Discrimination Against Cancer Patients and Animals

UPDATED 6/24/2012: If you're some sort of douche who trademarks his name and sues everyone named John Doe for infringing on that trademark, then you're name must be Charles Carreon(TM).


SAN FRANCISCO, CA – What started out as a complaint and a few jabs of satire over intellectual property rights, has now gone completely nuclear.  The initial confrontation between the FunnyJunk web site and Matthew Inman, creator of the web comic The Oatmeal, was settled after Inman complained that FunnyJunk was illegally using his comics on their web site.  FunnyJunk took down most of Matthew’s work and the issue had been settled until lawyer Charles Carreon(TM) [yes, he really has TRADEMARKED HIS NAME, and because we know this, we've marked it as such] got involved.  One year after the initial dispute, Carreon(TM) threatened to sue Inman over alleged statements that he made about FunnyJunk in one of his web comics.  As a joke, Inman arranged a fund raising campaign and would give the $20,000, the amount Charles Carreon(TM) demanded from Mr. Inman, to the American Cancer Society and the National Wildlife Federation.  All FunnyJunk was to receive was a new Oatmeal comic Matthew had produced.

Matthew’s decision to choose humor and Philanthropy did not appease the attention hungry lawyer so he filed a lawsuit with the U.S. District Court - Northern District of California on June 15.  The lawsuit not only names Matthew Inman but also includes IndieGoGo, the National Wildlife Federation, and the American Cancer Society as defendants in the case.  While Carreon(TM) rants about the misuse of charitable funds, inciting Cyber-vandalism, and creating a bogus Twitter account, other organizations have come to the forefront to assist Mr. Inman, the National Wildlife Federation, and the American Cancer Society.  While no one asked for the assistance, the additional legal and social support is welcomed as a media firestorm is brewing around Charles Carreon(TM) and his lawsuit.

The Pummelo has learned that The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) and Human Rights First are pretty sure that they will file a civil suit against Mr. C for his discrimination against cancer patients and animals.  Our source, whom asked to remain anonymous until the legal paperwork has been filed, states that, “With his lawsuit against Mr. Inman, who wants to donate money to the National Wildlife Federation and the American Cancer Society, it is clear that Mr. C discriminates against animals and people with a deadly disease. Therefore, we believe that we need to file suit against Mr. C for discriminating against a Philanthropic individual like Mr. Matthew Inman and the reputable organizations mentioned in his lawsuit before he goes psycho crazy and files a lawsuit against us for thinking about filing a lawsuit."


"It appears,” our anonymous source continued, “that Mr. C has bit off more than he can chew with this legal action.  What’s he going to do next, file a lawsuit for all of the naked Octomom pictures floating around because it brings back awkward memories of his own mother?”

The Pummelo has also learned that Mr. C's non-profit religious organization, American Buddah, is allegedly involved in a lawsuit with the publishing conglomerate Penguin Group for uploading four copyrighted books for their online library and the Penguin Group holds the rights to the books. “Isn’t that considered pirating?” our anonymous source commented.  Neither Mr. C nor his wife would respond to our emails about the alleged Penguin Group lawsuit by publishing time.

In a recent conversation with Forbes.com, Carreon(TM) spoke about his current lawsuit carousel by saying, “Being unpopular gets you places.”  If that’s the case, Mr. C, you had better pack some sunscreen and some ice water for your next destination.

A Graduation Speech That Would Even Make Mark Driscoll Cringe

Retired General Sherman Atwater tells graduate Lenny Waters that he
is just going to grow up to be a giant squirting douchebag.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Graduation day is supposed to be a special event in the lives of everyone involved. The family will throw a party. The graduate will get to open up tons of cards that have a few bucks in them. Then thank you cards are written, leftover cake is given to the dog, and the rest of life moves on.

This graduation day was different for members of the San Francisco Sunny Valley High School ROTC chapter. It was so different, in fact, that parents are none to please with Retired General Sherman Atwater, who leads the ROTC group.

"I think he should be fired," said Paul Waters, the father of graduate Lenny Waters. "How he's a military leader is beyond me. I heard what he said and it was like you combined Rush Limbaugh, Mark Driscoll, and Piers Morgan all into one person with Simon Cowell's body."

So what has parents so upset? The Pummelo has exclusively received the transcript of Atwater's commencent speech to his ROTC group. It can be seen after the jump and you should be forewarned that we haven't edited it for content so that you can be your own judge of what the man said. It is rather graphic.

"All I can say," said Lenny Waters, Paul's son, "is that it was a graduation speech that I'll never forget."

U.S. Charges Cute Kitty with Terrorism

Sparkles the cat has been quarantined at the Jefferson County animal shelter
after being charged with terrorism after batting at trapped mice today.

PORT TOWNSEND, WA - In what may be the world's first case of animal terrorism being recognized by authorities, Sparkles the cat has been arrested and charged with terrorism today because he was smacking at a mouse that was trapped in a live trap.

"I don't know about elsewhere in the country, but here in Port Townsend, we take the rights of people and animals very seriously," said local resident David Morris, 67. "When that damn cat was trying to scare that mouse, I knew something had to be done fast. You're damn right I had that cat arrested. He needs to be held accountable for his actions!"

And what was done was a phone call to the local U.S. Border Patrol Office by Morris, followed by formal charges of terrorism. "Let it be known that no person and no animal shall violate the rights of any other person or any other animal in Port Townsend!" declared Morris. He then took a bite out of his $13.99 fried Halibut that he bought at The Bayview.

Barry Smitzer, 75, is the registered owner of Sparkles. "I think this is all ridiculous," said Smitzer. "He's a cat doing what a cat does naturally. It's not like he's a member of the Taliban attempting an insurrection with other cats in a Baptist church or something."

A bail hearing has been set for next Monday, but it is expected that Sparkles will remain behind bars. "The Federal judge out here as no tolerance for terrorism of any kind," Morris said proudly. "That's the reason why I've helped to vote him in the last twenty years. That and the fact that he's got an extremely low carbon footprint."

Smitzer says that he just wants to have Sparkles home. "He's probably scared, lonely, and eating crappy cat food right now," Smitzer told us sadly. "It's too bad there isn't a mouse for him to eat."

LeBron Serenades Tears of Thunder Fans with a Beautiful Violin

LeBron James plays the violin for Thunder fans.
Photo courtesy of Google+

MIAMI, FL - LeBron James has been nicknamed "The King" since his first sniff of the NBA. His career, however, has been less than kingly in the fact that he's never been able to achieve the ultimate crown of team success in the league.

That is, until now. That's right - the Miami Heat were finally able to buy the NBA title, defeating the Seattle Sonics/OKC Thunder 121-106 to clinch last night.

"I'm just so grateful that people were able to stick by me and pay me 8 figures consistently over the past few years so that this achievement could come to light," said James. "Now it's time to go party."

Thunder fans joined Sonics fans last night for perhaps the first time in tears as their beloved team choked at the end. There are stories of last night that weeping and sobbing of the losing fans could be heard on South Beach from as far away as Salt Lake City thanks to the wind blowing and a Miami fan calling a Thunder fan in Salt Lake City to gloat.

LeBron decided that he needed to show the Thunder fans how he felt, and so he picked up a violin and began serenading them. "I'm a little big to play the world's tiniest violin," said James, "so I picked up a regular one so that the Thunder losers could be comforted a little bit."

Thunder fans were obviously disgusted at the sight. Since they were all choked up because their team choked, however, they really couldn't comment much to us except with various gurgling sounds.

Carl Fletcher, 41, from Longmont, WA, and a long time Sonics fan, said that last night was like getting the last laugh. "They stole our team from us. Now Miami stole the title from them. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

A critical review of LeBron's violin playing described it as "sorrowful and contemplative."

"I'm just doing my best to help those fans who need a little comfort," LeBron said in defense of his actions. "And just think - next year, we'll buy the title all over again."

See you next year, NBA.

Your Weekend Death and Dentistry, June 22-24, 2012

Your Weekend Death & Dentistry For 6/22-24/2012: 

If Your Birthday Is This Weekend:  Your frenemies recently met in a dark boardroom in a secret place in Europe and made the decision to not kill you yet, but also not celebrate  any more of your birthdays.

Aries: The Illuminati have changed objectives, the new goal is to make sure you’re punished for spiting in the Bohemian Grove.

Taurus: To be fair to the woman screaming and stabbing you with a steak knife, most people would be startled by you showing up uninvited, unannounced in their kitchen cupboard.

Gemini:  Here is clue, whenever your mother rubs her brow or slaps her forehead, it is a sign she regrets your birth.

Cancer:  You have clearly overestimated the demand for your companionship.

Leo: You'll receive a warm room and meals, and good drugs after wandering through the mall smacking people with a wet noodle while screaming "Another Fucking Smurf!"

Virgo: The Stars frequently say you will die today, so you can be forgiven if you're a little skeptical about today’s reading; however you, yes you, Michael Smith will die in a sudden manner today.

Libra:  Good job releasing the Djinn, you clumsy fuckwit! Now a being so powerful  he can do anything he wants with the snap of a finger and needs absolutely precise and literal instruction per each wish otherwise everything will be destroyed.

Scorpio: No one will be impressed with your expanded vocabulary.

Sagittarius: An old clown’s cryptic curse leads to you becoming twisted, repulsive creature condemned to live in shambles and unclean places like your apartment, so no real change.

Capricorn: No house of worship nor any consulate or embassy can offer you sanctuary or refuge from the depraved and sadistic whisperings of Neighbor Bob.

Aquarius: Inadvertently you will defile a graveyard and raise vile and vengeful spirits when you stop and pee off the side of a mountain road.

Pisces: Wild sex play with that Waffle House waitress will make you appreciate the luxury of breathing.

Let’s Get Serious For a Minute: Identity Theft is Just the Beginning

USA – In today’s society, everyone is aware of Identity Theft yet people still won’t take the necessary precautions to protect themselves.  People will take a credit card bill or prescription drugs directions and just simply throw it in the trash.  They won’t shred it; they’ll just throw it away and make available to anyone who is willing to sift through some trash in order to find some information.  Surely these people are aware that you can buy a cross-cut shredder at Wal-Mart for $30, right?  Or is it that they are just too lazy to do it?  It’s much easier to just throw the paper in the trash.  Of course, when these lazy people are hit with Identity Theft, they are scream from the roof tops, “Why me?”  

The title of this article, however, says that Identity Theft is just the beginning and it’s scary to think that people are truly this naïve.  We clearly live in the information and technology age but we also live in the “Need to Know” era.  Today’s society has this distasteful urge to know every single detail about something or someone.  In doing so, we have become bed partners with the likes of Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr.  These social platforms enable us to know just about anything and everything about what piques our interest.  For example, I have a friend who is completely infatuated, almost stalker status, with Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas.  He wanted to know everything about the blonde bombshell, even her bra cup size, so he started searching to build his knowledge base.  It’s this type of behavior that is frightening and even though my friend’s obsession with Fergie is fairly mild, there are people in today’s society who are far from mild.

While some people are careful and do shred their bills and documents, they fail to be careful when it comes to talking.  My wife and I take our daughter to gymnastics every week and every week we hear two other parents, women, talking about the latest happenings and drama in their lives.  Granted, it’s pretty normal to have a parent to talk and brag about their child but these two women cross a line that would make a stalker, pedophile, or serial killer have premature ejaculation.  One of the women not only talked about the stress occurring between her and her husband but she also went on, in great detail, to share her daily routine.  Her amazing over share revealed where her kids go to school, what time she drops them off and picks them up from school, where she takes Yoga class, what time her Yoga class starts, and how (where) she keeps her kids busy during Yoga.

This woman was not only sharing specific details about her family and her life but she was also sharing them rather loudly.  First of all, why was this woman sharing such intimate details with another gymnastics parent?  Second, why was she talking about it so loudly?  Sharing this information out loud is almost as good, for some people, as finding a credit card number.  Do these people not realize WHO could be listening?  This world, this society, this town is not safe . . . not like it used to be.  These two women, and other just like them, need to continue to protect their identity but they also need to stop talking.  This IS the Need to Know era and Identity Theft is just the beginning.

"I Didn't Jack Off To A Bear" A Statement From The 'White Trash Sex Machine'

Mr. McFaddin says he is the gentleman on the left.

From the editor: We recently received this missive, and while we are not sure what it is about we are always ready to run letters from our readers.

Hello, recently there have been some unfounded remarks in the press about me, or I assume there must have been since I have not been able to take a woman home and screw her brains out this month. 

While I have not yet seen the story on the internet, Fox News, or heard from Brian Williams this is the only possible cause I can think of resulting in my recent failures to find a bar-slut or waitress hungry for my special sauce.

I’m still the motherfucking representative of all that is good in the 'fuck you senseless' department despite any rumors that I was arrested for the fourth time for jacking my mighty cock in the park with my stuffed frog.

Let me clear the air on this.

#1: I have had plenty of sex, there is always a young lady ready to ride the Randster’s hard nine, so I never have to stoop as low as “Self Abuse”

#2: I do not have a stuffed frog, even when I was a little baby I was confident enough not to need a fake friend.

#3: I look like muthafucking Triple HHH why would I ever need to play with my own cock, I always have some, well until recently, to wash it.

#4: It is not a frog it is Good Luck Bear  and I’ve had him since I was two and was putting him in storage.

So are we clear, I’m still Randy “White Trash Sex Machine” McFaddin and I have never jacked off with a stuffed frog in my life, now can we get back to me getting head in the can?

NBC To Ann Curry: Get a Disease or Get Lost

Could Ann Curry really have to work in a basement from now on?

NEW YORK CITY - It is looking like Ann Curry might be hitting the bricks when it comes to the Today show on NBC. In fact, multiple sources have confirmed to The Pummelo that negotiations are going on at this very second to get rid of her mug on daytime television to find her a different place at NBC, like in a dark, dank corner without her Swingline stapler.

And just what is the reason why NBC is axing Ann Curry? Because she is a healthy woman, unlike Robin Roberts over on ABC who has beaten breast cancer and is now battling MDS. "We feel that because Ms. Curry is a healthy individual, it is going to hurt our ratings," NBC executive Jack Spencer told us this morning. "They beat us for an entire week for the first time in 16 years and we all know it's about the sympathy. So we told Ms. Curry that if she doesn't get some sort of disease by the time the Olympics roll around, then we're terminating her employment or transferring her by force somewhere."

Curry has hired attorney Robert Barnett to represent her in this matter. "They kind of want my client to work as a foreign correspondent somewhere, and that's just not going to happen," Barnett's office told us via e-mail. "Ann got her dream job, she's been doing a helluva job, and let's be honest here - we all know that she's no Richard Engel. She doesn't want to give up Today for those reasons."

We sought a comment from Ms. Curry, but were told to just ask anything to Barnett and his law firm.

Spencer says that people can think whatever they want to about what is going on, but not to judge until they walk a mile in his shoes. "Having a woman with a disease is something incredibly fabulous to have in front of the camera. ABC has discovered this with Robin Roberts. CBS discovered this by sacking Katie Couric. And now... well, now it is Ann's turn, like it or not."

"But it's all on her," finished Spencer. "This whole thing can just go away if she comes back with a doctor's note telling us she's got muscular dystrophy or something."

Daily Death and Dentistry, June 21, 2012

If Your Birthday Is Today:  Your spouse will text you, "We need to talk" Otherwise known as the “I need to tell you something that you won't like and will probably lead to a lot of crying” conversation.

Aries: We’re wondering, if nature truly abhors a vacuum, why hasn’t your head imploded?

Taurus:  Your exhilaration while zip-lining across the Royal Gorge is short lived.

Gemini:  At least you can say there is one thing at which you are exceptionally talented at in this life, falling down stairs.

Cancer:  When everyone looks at you like that, it means you still have not grasped the timing of a good torture rape joke.

Leo: You'll never meet a woman who enjoys, say, your company.

Virgo: Fellow riders will never forget what they heard after you went into the bathroom on the Greyhound bus, but no one will ever find you either.

Libra:  A real life example will come calling during your community-service-mandated lecture about “bad lifestyle choices” at your former middle school.

Scorpio: Our audience research tells us you need  cut down on the intake of Ding Dongs.

Sagittarius: French toast without the powdered sugar usually leads to violence.

Capricorn: Your core belief that the male/female relationship is adversarial in nature will cause you great harm today.

Aquarius: Go ahead and taunt the clown, what’s the worst that could happen?

Pisces: Today will be a humiliating disaster no matter what you do.

Daily Death and Dentistry, June 19 2012

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 6/19/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  Your father has arranged an all-expenses paid tour of the cities cesspools and sewage ponds today so make sure you thank him.

Aries: You will return from your business trip to find an angry mob of kangaroos has claimed your house as their new habitat.

Taurus:  You should distrust prophecies and predictions which are vague and ambiguous enough to apply to anyone, such as those found in fortune cookies.

Gemini:  Relax; there are worse things in life than being called “Booger Snacker” as you will find out Thursday.

Cancer: When your wife hugs you, she tells you everything will be OK. But secretly you know the truth.

Leo: Once again your day will be completely ruined by a grocery clerk’s callous disregard of your humanity.

Virgo: Rouge dog groomers are the cold, dark face of humanity, stripped of reason, of everything that makes you happy and today you have no choice but to go to Oddles O’ Poodles.

Libra:  You could still potentially die from diphtheria.

Scorpio: Why would you want to do that to someone?

Sagittarius: Your lack of sex drive is not relevant to hostage negotiations, you need to focus on rescuing people,

Capricorn: You will continue to make all decisions based on the racist conspiracy facts your grandfather spouted during his dementia.

Aquarius: You’re entering a situation so ridiculous that I think I received a transmission error from the stars.

Pisces: We all grieve in our own way but masturbating with vegemite doesn’t seem rational.

Woman With Disability Kicked Out of Starbucks

Carol White gives her feedback to Starbucks.

AURORA, CO – When you walk into any Starbucks and look around, you will undoubtedly see the same scene anywhere.  Some people will be talking with friends at tables while others will be sipping their drinks and reading or keeping busy on a laptop.  People come to sit, drink, socialize, and use the free Wi-Fi and it’s quickly becoming part of an American tradition.  72-year-old Carol White was no exception to this Coffee House picture.  She frequented her local Starbucks a few times a week for some coffee, maybe tea, before sitting down to read a book, read the newspaper, or just sit and watch people.  Carol enjoyed this part of her daily routine until she was forced to leave her local Starbucks a few months ago and now she continues to search for a new place to frequent.

Earlier this spring, while sitting down to enjoy a cup of green tea, read some of her book, and watch people, Miss White suddenly blurted out, “We went whitewater rafting last August.”  A couple people in the room turned to look at Carol before turning away and minding their own business.  Carol continued to sip her tea, read her book, and watch people for another 15-20 minutes before blurting out, “Yes, my bunion still hurts but I soak my feet every night.” Again, some people turned to look at Miss White before turning away while Carol just smiled at them and minded her own business.  This continued for several weeks until the Starbucks management approached Miss White and asked her to keep her voice down when she while talking on her cell phone and Bluetooth.  Carol told the manager that she wasn’t talking on a cellphone and but management simply reiterated to keep conversation volumes at an accepted level or she’d be ask to leave.

Ask Uncle Mike: Stop Sexing Up Weird People

Uncle Mike dispenses love advice occasionally on The Pummelo
when we get the occasional letter. Do you have a question for him?
Then e-mail thepummelo@hotmail.com and put "Ask Uncle Mike"
as the subject. You'll probably get featured in here. 

Dear Uncle Mike:
I've got a little problem and I don't know how to tell my girlfriend. You see, I kind of have this addiction to sex. I have to have sex at least six times a day in order to feel normal. Now that means I end up masturbating A LOT to satisfy my urges, but when my girl is out of town on business for a few days, it also means that I end up clubbing and getting laid. Now these are all one night stands and they don't mean anything to me beyond the fact that I have this need to have sex satisfied, but yeah - I've got this burning sensation that I've never had before. It's kind of like I'm pissing pins and needles, but it gets really, really bad when I ejaculate in the shower. Is there something wrong with me? Did I accidentally sleep with a man in a drunken stupor? And when my girl gets back on Thursday, can I have sex with her? Thanks buddy. ~ Hurting in Huntsville

Daily Death and Dentistry, June 18, 2012

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 6/18/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  That cake your spouse brought home from the shady discount baker isn’t really cake at all but Elmer’s glue and some stuff shaped like one.

Aries: Death laughs at your attempts to cheat it one more day, so you choke on your HGH smoothie.

Taurus:  You will wrestle with your conscious, until one of you collapses from exhaustion or suddenly grasps the inherent meaninglessness of human life.

Gemini:  Try to contain your ruthless lust for glory at any cost and just park your car further away from the Costco doors than that older gentleman on oxygen.

Cancer: The screaming torment of the unjustly dead will continue to interrupt all your conversations.

Leo: You’ll spend the day lost in upper management meetings, stumbling into strange and incoherent policy and mission statement arguments, later you’ll relax by killing a secretary.

Virgo: In the best case scenario your curse will eventually grant you a painful death.

Libra:  Exacting a promise from neighbor Bob that he will stop tormenting every single generation of your family probably gonna happen, but feel free to antagonize him further.

Scorpio: Everyone knows the feeling. You're alone in your car when you get the unmistakable sense that you're being followed and you look up to see the whirling lights of the police, S.W.A.T., FBI, ATF and the  U.S. Marshall. 

Sagittarius: Most criminals know better than to put makeshift body bags in the dumpster behind the Circle K, but then you’re not a criminal are you?

Capricorn: You probably never thought to be afraid of otters, so cute and playful not at all terrifying, which is why you’re so vulnerable to what will happen at lunch.

Aquarius: Your plan to rob the Brinks truck at Starbucks wasn't really very well thought out, was it?

Pisces: You’ll discover squirrels can hold a grudge.