|Bieber signals for piece, but is he an alleged Al Qaida agent?|
Photo author: Kevin Aranibar
"It's not that we are saying in any way that Justin Bieber is a terrorist, but you never know," said an anonymous U.S. official with the Justice Department. "And even if he isn't one, he's got millions of fans that might get upset because he's upset. You never know with kids these days."
Shallow Throat, our inside the government source for all things secretive, tells us that the Department of Homeland Security has Bieber on a list of suspected celebrities that may have ties to Al Qaida. "The way the government is taking this is that someone with the boy next door looks that so many teenage girls are digging would be much more influential in swinging people toward believing in terrorism than a smelly guy with a beard as long as ZZ Top," said Shallow Throat. "It's not that they think he is actually a terrorist... it's that he has the potential to be one if he wanted to be one. That means they need to watch him pretty closely."
"You're damn right that boy is a terrorist!" declared Shaniqua LaMont, 19, of Brooklyn, NY. "No white boy can sing that good naturally. He either sold his soul to the devil or he learned something from some terrorist somewhere to swoon girls like he does!"
Mitchell Vetterli, 17, of Orland Park, tells us that he thinks Bieber might actually be more of a vampire than a terrorist. "His skin sparkles in the sunlight. I know you've all seen it. And modern vampires - they have their skin sparkle in the sunlight too. I've seen Twilight. I know these things."
Whatever the case, U.S. officials will keep the terror alert level at Orange throughout the weekend. "We just don't want something strange happening while we have our pants down around our ankles," said the anonymous source. "We'd rather be wrong and be careful than be right and not have done anything at all."
An e-mail requesting comment from Justin Bieber was not answered by press time.