Could Justin Bieber Really Be a Terrorist?

Bieber signals for piece,  but is he an alleged Al Qaida agent?
Photo author: Kevin Aranibar

LOS ANGELES, CA - On the heels of being offended by a joke about his mom and being compared to Justin Timberlake, U.S. officials have bumped up the terrorist warning level in the country to Orange, which means that there is a high risk of a terrorist attack on the U.S. homeland.

"It's not that we are saying in any way that Justin Bieber is a terrorist, but you never know," said an anonymous U.S. official with the Justice Department. "And even if he isn't one, he's got millions of fans that might get upset because he's upset. You never know with kids these days."

Shallow Throat, our inside the government source for all things secretive, tells us that the Department of Homeland Security has Bieber on a list of suspected celebrities that may have ties to Al Qaida. "The way the government is taking this is that someone with the boy next door looks that so many teenage girls are digging would be much more influential in swinging people toward believing in terrorism than a smelly guy with a beard as long as ZZ Top," said Shallow Throat. "It's not that they think he is actually a terrorist... it's that he has the potential to be one if he wanted to be one. That means they need to watch him pretty closely."

"You're damn right that boy is a terrorist!" declared Shaniqua LaMont, 19, of Brooklyn, NY. "No white boy can sing that good naturally. He either sold his soul to the devil or he learned something from some terrorist somewhere to swoon girls like he does!"

Mitchell Vetterli, 17, of Orland Park, tells us that he thinks Bieber might actually be more of a vampire than a terrorist. "His skin sparkles in the sunlight. I know you've all seen it. And modern vampires - they have their skin sparkle in the sunlight too. I've seen Twilight. I know these things."

Whatever the case, U.S. officials will keep the terror alert level at Orange throughout the weekend. "We just don't want something strange happening while we have our pants down around our ankles," said the anonymous source. "We'd rather be wrong and be careful than be right and not have done anything at all."

An e-mail requesting comment from Justin Bieber was not answered by press time.

Review: Have You Seen The Handy Goddess?

The Handy Goddess might just be the hottest gardner you'll ever see. She knows how to handle a carrot. She knows how to let you plant the big seed. She even knows how to shove a nice big thing into a small hole so it can grow and grow until it explodes with fruits or vegetables to eat.

To be honest, it's almost like watching my mom teach gardening if my mom was pretending to either be A) a hoe; B) a dirt muncher; or C) good at gardening. We've got no doubt that The Handy Goddess knows what she's doing around the garden... our only concern is how many gardens she's been around. How many carrots she's had to peel. How many... oh - you get the picture.

The Handy Goddess is working towards having her own television show. We think that's a fabulous idea. After all, Cinemax doesn't have any educational value in late night and they just show skin. The Handy Goddess doesn't show much skin, but she keeps the conversation hot. It's be like having phone sex, but watching it while planting some herbs. She kind of makes you want to rub the head of a President Obama Chia Pet.

So ok - this might not be the most breathtaking 8 minutes of gardening advice that you'll ever watch. But it just might be the most entertaining. Unless you don't like sexual innuendo that really isn't much on the innuendo part. If that's the case... you might just want to slip down to the next article here. Otherwise grab some popcorn, enjoy the next eight minutes, and make sure your carrot doesn't get prematurely peeled. -G

Researchers Say Hiking is Better with Hot Women

Hiking with hot women is better. Much better.

OAKLAND, CA - Researchers at the Earth Prognosis Institute say that they have discovered a vast majority of men exercise more and lose more weight when they are hiking with hot women.

Dr. Willard G. Huntington is the director of the Institute. "There's just something about walking in the woods with a hot babe in front of you that makes you work a little bit more," said Dr. Huntington.

Now gay men would not necessarily be affected physically by a hot woman hiking with them, but they do experience benefits none the less. "Whereas straight men were encouraged to lose weight because they loved what they were looking at," said Dr. Huntington, "gay men found an emotional need met while hiking with a beautiful woman and this positively impacted their weight as well."

"Now men who were attracted to a great ass had much more strenuous workouts when a hot woman was walking in front of them," said Dr. Huntington, "but even guys who love a woman's eyes the most were more encouraged to have elevated levels of exercise when in the company of a woman who he would consider to be out of his league."

Jon Spencer, 31, of San Jose, says that he loves hiking with a beautiful woman. "I know that I'm not going to get laid or anything," said Spencer, who is 5'9" and weighs 320 pounds. "What I get is some beautiful scenery in front of me if I can somewhat keep pace while we are out in the wilderness. I've lost 40 pounds since we started doing this three weeks ago!"

Jasmine Smith volunteered for the research project by the Earth Prognosis Institute. "I get to meet new people, experience the outdoors, and help the obesity problem in the United States," Smith tells us. "I might not be physically attracted to the men I help, but if they are to me, that's what matters. And most unattractive guys have great personalities, so the conversation is always great."

Dr. Huntington says that if a program like this shows huge success in Oakland through their research, imagine how fast fat men could lose weight across the country. "This could be the Holy Grail of weight loss through exercise," he said. "I'm really excited, but in a non-sexual away, about being a participant myself in the near future."

Participants in the research study lost a combined 1,500 pounds of weight. "That was with only 300 participants," said Dr. Huntington excitedly. "I think this year alone, if our research program is expanded to other states, we could easily lose a million pounds of fat from the jiggly bellies of men."

Spencer put it another way. "It's like Curves for women, but better because it's for men and it involves women. That's awesome!"

The Moral Majority? HAHAHAHAHAHA

Now is the time to start reversing the damage that has been done.

There are a lot of things that make me laugh in this world. Kittens being cute might top the list, except for the times that my 3 year old twins try to tell jokes.

"Hey Daddy - why did the chicken cross the road? TO GET BROCCOLI AND CHEESE!!!!"

There are other things that have been known to make me laugh a few times rather consistently, such as an Arrested Development episode, watching Brisco County, Jr., and you can never go wrong with the unintended junk shot on film.

But those things are all funny HAHA. There are other things that make me laugh too, but in a somewhat sad and depressing way, like an "I can't believe this is happening," type of sad laugh that makes people uncomfortable. The worst offender of this kind of laugh for me is pretty much anything that comes from the "Moral Majority" these days.

Founded by the late Jerry Falwell, the Moral Majority, in a nutshell, had the goal of taking over politics from a religious perspective because the United States needed to get back to its roots of being a Christian nation. I'm not going to explore that thought at all. What I am going to tell you is a story that I heard once.

The father of a guy I know asked Mr. Falwell once how his ministry was going. "We're doing great things in Jesus' name, getting people to recognize that they need to vote, need to get registered to vote, and need to vote in candidates that support what it is that we believe." Of course I'm paraphrasing that statement right there because it was awhile ago, but it perfectly sums up what the mission of the Moral Majority is: to turn American Christianity into a political agenda. And what's worse is that they use fear and hate to manipulate honest Christians into doing what it is they want.

Christianity is not a religion of hate at its core foundation, but that's what it has become to be viewed by modern folks, and in my opinion, a lot of that is due to the work of Falwell. Certainly we should want to reach out to every person as much as possible, but Christianity should be using its resources to help the needy, the sick, the widows, the helpless, the homeless, and those that have circumstances unequal to our own. Christianity shouldn't be using its resources to manipulate people from the pulpit on a local, regional, or national scale to influence kind and loving people to hate - but that's exactly what is going on.

Hugh Hefner Sues Viagra Due to Poor Performance

NEW YORK, NY – “Sex lasted like, two seconds, and then I was over it.  I was like ‘Ah ha’ and I was over it.  I just, like, walked away.  I’m not turned on by Hef.  Sorry.”  Those were the piercing words of Hugh Hefner’s former bride-to-be Crystal Harris on Howard Stern’s radio show back on July 21, 2011.  Off the air, however, Harris told the Howard Stern crew that it wasn’t that Hefner had a quick trigger; it was that his noodle was always limp.  “Yeah, she just came right out and told all of us that he always had a case of limp-itis,” says Sirius XM broadcasting intern Barry Morris.  “Apparently Crystal would end up pleasing herself with a battery operated toy after Hugh fell asleep.”

According to Crystal Harris’ best friend and fellow Playboy Mansion tenant, Anna Berglund, Crystal was having doubts about the marriage before she left Hugh just five days before their wedding.  “Sure Crystal was feeling overwhelmed about all of the wedding preparations,” Berglund said, “but she was having serious concerns and doubts about being married to a man who can’t keep it up.  She (Crystal) even told me that he was taking Viagra and that wasn’t helping either.  A girl can’t enjoy life’s pleasures by just using batteries.”

According to many sources, while Crystal was away from Hugh Hefner, she was busy getting her stiff sausage fix for a few months with Jordan McGraw, Dr. Phil’s 26-year-old son, before deciding that she missed the glamorous life.  She went back and begged Hugh to take her back and, surprisingly, Hefner let her back into the mansion.  Since Crystal’s return earlier this month, Anna Berglund told the Pummelo that part of the discussion Crystal and Hugh had was how to fix the erection problem.  “Hef is suing Viagra because it didn’t work for him,” Berglund stated, “but he said he has some new pills that are working.”  When asked if the new pills were actually working, Anna responded, “They must be.  I haven’t heard Crystal talking about her battery operated toys again.”

Neither Hugh Hefner’s legal counsel nor his personal assistant would comment regarding the Viagra lawsuit but a source inside the Playboy Mansion did confirm that Mr. Hefner has recently bought a lot of stock Eli Lilly, the pharmaceutical giant who manufactures Cialis.  “Well, it sounds like Hefner has traded his blue pill and blue balls in for the magic, golden pill of Cialis,” replied Sirius XM intern Barry Morris.  “That’s too bad. I was hoping to have Crystal come back on Howard’s show and then I could show her a real man.”  Just give it time, Barry.  We’re pretty sure Crystal will grow tired of hugging wrinkly, old skin and will runaway again soon.

Guy Who Puts "First" Into First Comment on Facebook in Hiding

We caught this image of Justin Mathers just before he
caught the train to somewhere else in the U.S.

BALTIMORE, MD - You know that annoying guy who has to comment on everything that gets posted on your wall first by placing "First!" in the comment line? Well... that guy is on the run now because there is an angry mob pursuing him with pitchforks, machetes, and machine guns.

"I don't see what the problem is," said Justin Mathers, the guy in question. "I just like to be the first person to comment on a chain of stuff. It's like being first through an intersection after a red light or something."

The problem, however, is that Mathers posts "First!" on more than just long chains that businesses or entertainment pages have. John Maurer had been a friend of Mathers on Facebook for about six months. "I've had to stop posting status updates, pictures of my kids, or links to stuff because this douche keeps saying 'First!' on any blank post of mine," he said. "It was cute at first, but after he posted 'First!' 200 times on a family vacation album, I had to defriend him and join the angry mob."

To escape the mob, Mathers says he is taking the train so that he can get periodic access to the internet with his Mi-Fi subscription. "Flying is ok and all, but you're trapped on an airplane," said Mathers. "If I'm discovered on the train, I can just book it at the next stop before they can catch up to me."

Agent Claire Maxwell of the Baltimore FBI office says that vigilante justice is normally not encouraged. "In the case of Mathers, however, we are unofficially authorizing deadly force," she told us. "He once went on the FBI page and commented 'First!' over 1,200 times. This man is a menace to society."

Mathers says he is going to stay off the grid for awhile. "Once the pitchforks go back in the barn, I might consider coming out of hiding," he said. "Until then, I'm just going to check Facebook when I can, comment when I must, and you'll never be able to find out where I am."

Your Daily Death and Dentistry for June 29-31

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 6/29 - 6/31/12: 

If Your Birthday Is This Weekend:  It's a good thing ObamaCare passed, because holy crap - you're going to be drinking some weird shit tonight!

Aries: There's something dramatically special about having rebar penetrate your mouth and go out the back of your neck while you remain alive in your car.

Taurus: Today you learn the lesson that even the little ponies get horny is the biggest of ways.

Gemini: You remember that substitute teacher from 6th grade that said she was going to follow you wherever you go? Yep - that's her looking at melons while you find a bag of salad, 15 years later.

Cancer: Just enjoy this weekend, have a great time, do everything you've ever wanted to do. Why? Because Jose Canseco is stopping by Sunday evening, and he's got something juiced up for you.

Leo: Don't take it personally, but your secret clone has been doing some pretty bad stuff behind your back and has been blaming it on you.

Virgo: Going to a baseball game is fun unless you get stuck sitting between two fat guys eating four hot dogs each while three beers scattered around and strange juices that could be bodily fluids flying everywhere. Sorry that has to be you stuck in the middle.

Libra: This weekend you get to discover why your neighbors have been digging a large rectangular hole in their backyard. Bring some popcorn!

Scorpio: That Gold Peak Tea you had was pretty tasty, but the reason why it was tasty is due to the fact that someone managed to spike it with some arsenic after it hit the shelves. Bitter almonds do add to the nice lemony flavor though!

Sagittarius: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and you've got something really, really weird coming out of your anus. Don't eat Mexican before the weekend next time, ok?

Capricorn: Sometimes things are so bad that they can't be described here. Let's just say your weekend is set to include limestone, cherry Jell-O, whipped cream, an STD, three sheep, two goats, several valium, William Shatner, a swimming pool, a toilet auger, several urine filled wine bottles, a trucker named "Smitty," eight horses, three Gideons, a drive-in movie theater, and something called "Fred's Banana."

Aquarius: Well... whatever took care of Amelia Earhart is going to take care of you today too. Enjoy the tropical breezes while you can.

Pisces: Your significant other has discovered that they like Howard the Duck so much that they are getting a giant back tattoo of him this weekend. Is your name on the residential paperwork?

Chief Justice John Roberts: How I Fooled All the Conservatives

Special to The Pummelo: Chief Justice John Roberts comments on his decision to uphold most of the Patient Protection & Affordable Care Act, why he is really not a conservative though he pretends to be one, and the importance of Limburger cheese in one's diet. 


First off, let me say that it is an honor being the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court in the finest country on this planet of ours. Anyone can kind of be a regular justice or a subordinate justice, but it takes a special kind of man to be a Chief Justice, and it's nice to know that people have recognized that I have the special man juice.

A lot of people are proud of me right now and a lot of people aren't. Part of that is because they didn't bother to actually read my opinion on the PPACA, which is known by the public as ObamaCare, but part of that is people are starting to recognize that I'm not really the fiscal conservative people think I am.

I don't think it should really come as much of a surprise. After all, I helped to oversee a sweeping change to campaign financing. That's just a smaller step toward the formation of Big Government if you look at the big picture. But the American Public doesn't look at the big picture for anything. They're too consumed with baseball, football, hockey, or thinking that Canada is a bastion of democracy.

You have to pretend to be a conservative these days because if you are a liberal, people hate you. If you are liberal, you are stupid. Retarded. An idiot. A Socialist. A Communist. Misled. Arrogant. And if you are a Christian and a Liberal, then you might as well be a gay black man in 1957 to someone in the Tea Party. But because they influence politics to the Nth degree these days, you have to at least pretend to cater to them if you want to make it to the bench of the highest court of the land. That's what I did, and now that I'm here to stay, I can make some changes.

Through iGhost, C.S. Lewis Condemns Modern Christianity

Thanks to iGhost, C.S. Lewis is back to set the record straight.

SEATTLE, WA - There's a chill in the air around Northern Washington, and it's not because it is overcast, rainy, and below 60F in the middle of June. No - it's because there's a new player in town when it comes to faith, religion, and Christianity in general.

Is it a new megachurch pastor? Is it a radical young man who is preaching the Bible on the street corners? Is it a new mission that longs to be able to help those who are in tough times right now and can't buy a meal, much less a place to sleep every night?

Nope. But it is the ghost of C.S. Lewis, coming back to bring changes to what Christianity has become here in 2012 - and it's all thanks to the power of Steve Jobs and his iGhost app.

"Too many Christians have gotten caught up in the business of the church," said the ghost of C.S. Lewis. "There's more focus on capitalism and less focus on the story of Jesus. There's more focus on being famous than there is in being infamous. There's even more focus on the demand to make people all believe the same thing than to have people discover God on their own."

Lewis sighed. "If I had a heart right now, it would be breaking."

Lewis is famous for bringing his personal assistant into Christianity, not because of ever witnessing to him about the Gospel story, but because of living out the teachings of Jesus every single day to the best of his ability. "Christians today... they have lost their sense of self," Lewis said. "They have lost the ability to care more for others than they care for themselves. They are more concerned about making sure they have the power to survive everything on their own instead of depending on God to meet their needs."

What really gets underneath Lewis's "skin," however, is that Christianity has become more about money and less about loving others and building new lives. "Certainly the Christian has a responsibility to give to the church, to those in need, and to take care of themselves," he said, "but what has gotten lost is the perspective that you are not your own. What you have is not yours. It is God's. You didn't earn anything. God blessed it to you in order for you to meet His will today, tomorrow, or a lot of tomorrow's from now."

So what is the answer to solving these issues? "Christians need to dust off their Bibles, read them, study them, and test what their pastors, reverends, priests, and other leaders are teaching," said Lewis. "If you base your knowledge of the Word of God from a secondhand account of a fallible human being, then you are not getting God's Word. People need to read and understand themselves what Jesus said and did so they can decide for themselves what that means to them."

So how does Lewis expect to change the attitude of the modern Christian? "I'm just going to preach God's Word," said Lewis. "Beyond that, people just need to start having a thicker skin sometimes if someone disagrees with them and learn to grow up and act like an adult."

Cantor Declares Colorado Fires “An Obama Campaign Ad”

Eric Cantor and the Colorado Fires he deems "Fake"

Photo by Laurel Beougher

WASHINGTON D.C. – Virginia Congressman and House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R – VA 7th District)  declared today that he feels the Large wildfires in Colorado have been faked to allow President Obama a free trip to campaign in a major swing state.

“Yes I’ve seen the news feeds, but are we sure the video is real? Looks an awful like the end of parts of ‘Volcano’ or ‘Firestorm,’ said Cantor. “No I’m not kidding. We're not even sure if Americans landed on the moon and for the political points the President could get from a quick fly over in Colorado are enormous.”

When confronted with the radio logs of firefighting and emergency services calls Cantor did not back away from his comments.

“Am I saying that there are no fires at all in Colorado, I’m sure there are, the west burns every summer, but this is awfully convenient  because of Mr. Romney’s statement we have enough firemen and this again being a swing state,” added the congressman. “Until I have time to see this for myself, which I may not be able to given my other priorities, I will not believe this isn’t a created catastrophe for political credit and points.”

Cantor added that because of the terrible Supreme Court decision on the Affordable Health Care act, known as “Obamacare” and the need to repeal it during this congressional session he won’t be able to visit Colorado until his annual trip to Vail during the Christmas Recess.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, June 28, 2012

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 6/28/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  It’s kind of nice that Justice Scalia stepped away from his prepared dissent to every ruling today to wish you an especially terrible birthday.

Aries: In an unexpected ruling the Supreme Court of the United States rules against your right to exist.

Taurus:  The FBI is looking for a serial arsonist in connection to the Colorado Fires, maybe you need to change that “Firebug” vanity plate.

Gemini:  Good luck getting past the hall monitor, she holds a grudge about that 5^th grade incident.

Cancer:  If I were you I'd be worried about the hitman who didn’t get paid, who might have hired a hitman to put a hit out on me.

Leo: Your grandfather believes people in your occupation bring shame to the family, and has ordered you be placed in exile.

Virgo: Mother Nature sometimes turns into the evil step mother, the tornado and buffalo attack means you offended her.

Libra:  Today you will cry out to be saved...and Neighbor Bob will whisper...."no"

Scorpio: Your bus driver is very angry over today’s SCOTUS decisions, maybe you should stay home.

Sagittarius: When the Stars told me about your day all I could do was shake my head and sigh.

Capricorn: A hysterical Sean Hannity will turn to you for comfort after today’s SCOTUS announcements.

Aquarius: Helen Keller is sick of you making insensitive jokes about her and her ghost is the Spirit of Wrath so, maybe tone it down a little.

Pisces: Every time you see the Stars, you ask you for something, they are tired of your whining, better show some gratitude or else.

Waldo Canyon Fire Set By An Angry Waldo

Did your home burn? Blame this guy.

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO - The Waldo Canyon Fire has been described as a "monster event" that is consuming an untold amount of homes in its destructive path. Unlike the last major fire in this region being set by a vindictive park ranger who was allegedly involved in some hot and kinky sex, this fire has been caused by someone much less sinister... but much more angry.

"Do you know what it's like to have people trying to find you day after day after day?" Waldo told us today. "You can't eat. You can't sleep. You can't even go and take a shit without someone trying to peep in your tiny bathroom window."

Yes, that's him. The lovable children's character that many of us have spent untold hours trying to locate has finally had enough of being found. "Yeah I set that fire with an unattended campfire," Waldo admitted. "It was 3am and a bunch of drunk assholes came into the campground yelling 'Hey WAAAAALLLLLLLDO! WE FOUND YOU!' And then they broke into my tent and tried to fondle me."

"I heard they were from Colorado Springs, so I did what any reasonable human would do after being stalked for untold years," continued Waldo. "I let that motherfucker burn like Nero did to Rome."

Ironically, Colorado Springs police are going to have to locate Waldo in order to arrest him.

Jay, a regular contributor to The Pummelo, is based in our Colorado Springs office. He has been able to see the flames from the Waldo Canyon Fire creep ever closer. "I'm gonna curb him," said Jay this morning. "If I find him, I'm going to stop his face into the curb all American X style because unlike him, I don't believe in brutally murdering someone."

Waldo says that if people don't stop trying to find him after this, he's just going to start more fires. "Arson is fun, bitches," he said in closing. "You want to come find me? Then I'm going to turn your home into an inferno."

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, June 27, 2012

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 6/27/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  They evacuated everyone in front of the Waldo Canyon Fire but you, maybe you shouldn’t have voted against the firemen?

Aries: Your love life will continue to be the opposite of a Nora Ephron film, bleak and empty with no future hopes of love.

Taurus:  Well at least you don’t live in Flint, Michigan that should be enough solace for another mundane day.

Gemini:  Even your incredible toad won’t save you from the hypnotic powers of Kate Upton’s breasts.

Cancer:  Your home decorating, pyramids, 15 feet high, created with only empty beer cans is sure to sell your house.

Leo: Most people find talking to pigeons much less stimulating than you do.

Virgo: To be blunt, your personal trainer will kill you with floor exercises and a 20-pound plate.

Libra:  The stars insist you have to be naked at all times.

Scorpio: Your day dreams will be interrupted with images of Octomom and her new orange skinned boyfriend.

Sagittarius: Pretty smart using “More” as your S&M safe word

Capricorn: What you did to that sandwich should be condemned.

Aquarius:  How much do you think a kidney is worth on the black market? ...oh, nothing; I was just curious

Pisces: Oh God that was gross, I guess you never learned how to play nice with an inflatable woman.

Hysterical Laughter Limits Virgin Airline’s Spokesman’s Response To Octomom

Nadya Suleman, Octomom

BURLINGAME, CA – “We’ve investigated Nadya Suleman’s  complaints of harassment aboard our aircraft are completely unfounded,” said Virgin America spokesman Chase Budinger  before breaking into a series of guffaw that echoed in the corporation’s media room.

Budinger was responding to a TMZ report in which “Octomom” Nadya Suleman and her manager Gina Rodriguez state they recently endured the flight from hell because of the flight crew on their flight from New York to Los Angeles.

Octomom Suleman, said that the cabin crew on her flight purposely treated she and  Rodriguez as if they were all back in middle school.  Suleman stated that the crew whispered, pointed and giggled at them, refused them drinks and ordered Rodriguez out of the plane’s bathroom.

Budinger recovered briefly to explain the crew did ask Rodriguez to leave the bathroom, but this was as the plane was preparing for landing and that they were following FAA regulations.

“After we receive the complaint our customer service agents spoke with the flight crew and other passengers, we believe that Ms. Suleman is sensitive about her public persona, is slightly crazy and obsessed with being a celebrity and we will not have anything to do with this,” said Budinger.

“Suleman said she would never book a flight on Virgin America again and we support that decision, as we would any attention whoring customer who disrupted our other customer’s comfort. “We sincerely wish Miss Octo the best in her future train wreck endeavours,” added Budinger before breaking into further convulsions of laughter.

Has Charles Carreon™ Hired Donut Hitman™ Luc Flaubert™?

Luc Flaubert™
the legendary Donut Hitman™

SACRAMENTO, CA – The already ridiculous, moronically Quixotic legal case involving Charles Carreon™ and his defamation suit against Matthew Inman, creator of the web comic The Oatmeal, The World Wildlife Fund and the American Cancer Society as well as the State Attorney General of California Kamala Harris has apparently taken a dark turn.

The Pummelo has learned that the members of the Department of Homeland Security taskforce in charge of apprehending renowned pastry lover and assassin Luc Flaubert™ are in California and Arizona following leads. According to the Pummelo’s sources Flaubert, who has been a fugitive since the Groundhog Day killing of Pittsburgh weatherman Phil Conners, has done several smaller profile killings for his usual fee of two dozen crème brûlée filled donuts since March.

However they were able to get some traction in the manhunt now that he has apparently  trademarked both his name and the phrases “World’s Greatest Hitman” and “Donut Hitman”, the trademarking is something he has in common with Charles Carreon™ who is currently the most hated man on the internet.

While authorities are careful to speculate about the possibility that the suit happy Charles Carreon™ could be willing to actually hire someone to take out Inman or Harris for the perceived slights against his dignity they do admit that it is exactly the type of situation Luc Flaubert™ would attempt to use to bargain more of his beloved crème brûlée filled donuts out of.

“Would Carreon take this step? I don't know but he is clearly someone who feels easily disrespected and we do have specific information I am not able to discuss,” said David Cohen, undersecretary of the Treasury Department for terrorism and financial intelligence who is heading the Flaubert task force. “I’m sure now that I have gone on the record saying that he’ll sue me as well, regardless we are also following all leads when it pertains to Luc Flaubert™, an amoral man who believes himself above human laws. Luc Flaubert™ is a danger to international stability and the pastry markets.”

Charles Carreon™ has offered no comment regarding his multiple cases yet today or responded to the task force’s or the Pummelo’s requests for more information.

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, June 26, 2012

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 6/26/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  You and “The Captain” Derek Jeter have the same birthday, but I have to remind you that's all you have in common.

Aries: Your boss will lead you to a more public and more literal execution than Anne Curry is being given.

Taurus:  Bus driver Karen Klein got $500,000 for being bullied, you get deeper depression, anxiety attacks and a feeling of insignificance.

Gemini:  It's just the excessive media attention on sensationalistic crime that makes you feel ashamed you’re only a purse snatcher.

Cancer:  It's time to let old grudges go. Release your curse on Lindsey Lohan and let her get on with her life.

Leo: I’m not sure but post-coital anal leakage doesn’t sound worth the lovin’.

Virgo: Oh I agree being honest and telling the sales manager that you’re, “in a foul fucking mood, but, hey, at least I look like I'm happy,” was probably a good career move.

Libra:  Despite your best efforts to realize your dreams no publisher needs even an authorized Octomom biography.

Scorpio: I’m sorry to be so brusque with you but I’d say you have some pretty half-baked ideas on how to save your marriage.

Sagittarius: The fact is virtually everyone has worked harder to get to the London Olympics than you.

Capricorn: Others may condemn you for you, but the truth is you’re a very sick man, you suffer for the incurable little malady called cheerfulness.

Aquarius:  If you faint or lose consciousness, do not panic. If you regain consciousness please resume exactly what you were doing.

Pisces: By the way, crows will eat human flesh!

Supreme Court Likely to Rule That Black People Suck

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With the recent spate of Supreme Court rulings turning more favor toward Federal rights than State's rights, experts on both sides of the aisle agree that today in an expected 8-1 decision the Supreme Court, or SCOTUS, will rule that black people suck.

The lone dissenter is expected to be Clarence Thomas, though Justice Sonia Sotomayor has been seen as sympathetic to black people in the past. Either way, the SCOTUS is likely to be seen taking a backward step after today.

"It's like they are taking the Supreme Court back 60 years to the time of segregation in the United States," said Joseph Kennedy, 31, of Baltimore. "You'd think that in 2012 they could have at least some modern concept of law."

Ruling that black people suck won't have much impact on anything except that it is expected to increase the racial profiling that is currently going on in several police agencies across the nation. Governor Jan Brewer of Arizona says that a black people sucking ruling would be a huge benefit to her state. "We can racially profile those dirty, rotten Mexican spics and then, after today, we can profile those darkies too," said Brewer.

The case in question is in regards to a November 2008 incident in Miami, FL where several white people were upset about several black people having the right to vote for Democrats instead of Republicans. "The Supreme Court is likely to say that African-Americans have the right to vote, and having that right just sucks," said Constitutional Professor Dr. Alan D. Harkins of Princeton. "It may be a partisan court on many subjects, but on this one they are quite united. It's a very odd thing to have happen."

NAACP Vice Chariman Jesse Baker tells us that if the expected ruling today does indeed happen, civil rights in this country are going to get flushed down the port-o-potty. "We're going to end up going back to segregated drinking fountains, restaurants, and taxis," said Baker. "Forget gay marriage, because we're going to be in the trenches fighting for something basic, like being able to eat fried chicken and waffles at a white's IHOP."

Tea Party conservatives see this as a potential victory for the United States. "We all know that it is the Black Democrats that are always voting for the wrong party, voting after they are dead, or voting multiple times so that they can put in losers like Obama," said regional chairperson Dana Reynolds. "If this ruling comes back as expected, we can actually get this country put back on track."

"You didn't think that we would just give the 2012 election to a socialist like Barack Obama, did you?" Reynolds continued. "Hell - he's not really even an American. It's time to give the Presidency to a true American worshipping a true American-built religion in Mormonism if you ask me."


Whatever the case, it is all speculation until the ruling comes down later today. "You'd better grab your ankles," said Kennedy, "because with this court, it's going to be a long, long ride."

Million Dog March to Protest Postal Service Layoffs This Week

These pups plan to march on Washington this Friday.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The United States Postal Service [USPS] is in trouble. Money just isn't there any more. People aren't mailing their bills in when they can pay online. Letters aren't being written because people can e-mail, talk over Facebook, and even make free video calls over the internet. This has led to the USPS to take drastic measures to stay operational, including the consolidation of many facilities and the layoff of many postal employees.

Well... the dogs have had enough.

To protest the removal of many beloved postal employees from their routes and their ability to constantly terrify them, a million dog march has been planned for the nation's capital this Friday.

Organizer Fred Williams said his four dogs needed an outlet to grieve when they heard their favorite mail carrier wouldn't be coming around. "The looks on their faces was heartbreaking," said Williams. "I  knew at that moment that I had to do something."

To participate in the event, simply show up on the Washington Mall on Friday afternoon at 10am. "We're not going to have any speakers, bones, treats, or anything like that," said Williams. "We're just going to support our postal workers and our dogs who won't be able to try to bite their legs at the same time."

Postmaster Jane Pilgrim, of the Lilliput, WA office that is being shut down, tells The Pummelo that all the canine support is a welcome sight. "Many of these mutts have been trying to get a piece of me for years," she said with a tear in her eye. "I just thank God now to know that they wanted to bite me because they loved me."

Williams says that he expects the Million Dog March to be the largest canine event in the world. "I just need to figure out where I can find a bunch of those biodegradeable poop bags," he said. "A million dogs is a lot of dog poop."

Carrion Masturbaters of America™ Considering Charles Carreon™ Lawsuit

When will the lawsuits ever end? WHEN I ASK?

PHOENIX, AZ - The lawsuit saga between Charles Carreon™ and plenty of other people may just get a bit more complicated after today.


That's because the Carrion Masturbaters of America™, fine purveyors of humans who masturbate over or alongside dead animals when they are discovered along roads or in the desert, believes that their trademark may be being infringed upon by the sheer madness that Carreon™ is creating.


"That dude is acting like one supreme douchebag," said Charles "Chuckie X" Xavier, the public information officer for the non-profit group that is based in Phoenix. "He gives good masturbating a terrible name."


The Carrion Masturbaters of America™ are thinking about filing suit because they don't want their similar sounding names becoming linked with each other. "Well... and since this dude is filing a lawsuit against everyone he can think of, we kinda figured it made sense to strike first and maybe file before he files against us," said Chuckie X. "But we're still in the thinking about it stage."


As you probably know by now, this whole thing started with a feud between Funnyjunk and The Oatmeal. Thanks to the internet, it has reached epic proportions. We've sort of helped it along in our own way.


Chuckie X also wants to make it known that they don't desecrate any carcasses. "It's not about bestiality or Zoophilia," he said. "It's about the smell of a dead, rotting animal carcass being an arousal point for our members."

If they do decide to file a lawsuit, the Carrion Masturbaters of America™ will not be seeking any financial compensation as they don't really feel like there is any money lost because of the actions of Charles Carrion™. "We just want this douche of a guy to stop doing what he is doing," said Chuckie X. "People are going to think we're masturbating to his bad poetry on YouTube instead of what we are actually doing. That thought alone makes me vomit a little bit in my mouth."

So does Chuckie X think there will be any backlash against him and his group for coming forth? "Nah, I doubt it," he told us. "First of all, we don't have much for money or assets. Secondly, if people think that masturbating around carcasses is wrong, then I don't want to be right. Thirdly, you've got so many religious people being hypocritical about their own sexuality that they really don't have any place to judge ours."

Then Chuckie X sighed. "I expect people to condemn me here and when they look me up online. But that's ok. Because in the end, when I look in the mirror every morning, I can smile knowing that I'm a better man than Charles Carreon™ as I prepare to go find a smelly, rotting corpse."

Your Daily Death and Dentistry, June 25, 2012

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 6/25/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  As he is doing to everyone else Charles Carreon(TM) is suing you for apparently mentioning online that you think he is a douche.

Aries: Death is a random, it takes everyone, you will discover this when pin shards from a freak bowling accident pierce your heart.

Taurus:  your excitement of being in the test audience for Octomom Nadya Suleman’s first video proves overwhelming and your cerebral cortex collapses.

Gemini:  I hope you realize this is all your fault.

Cancer:  Public reception is mixed to Skrillex’s constant repetitive use of your name in a new release.

Leo: Though your pride in being chosen Employee of the Month is certainly justified, it also makes you a target in your boss's version of "The Most Dangerous Game"

Virgo: The stars indicate you have crossed paths with smugglers of contraband cucumbers and they will do anything to protect their secrecy, so bye!

Libra:  You will reach the high point of your life this week when you see a character with you name was once the murderer in a “McMillan and Wife” episode

Scorpio: A water balloon at the neighbor leads to retaliatory airstrikes.

Sagittarius: You want one thing in life. Life will make sure you never get it.

Capricorn: There will be no song written as an ode to you jumping off the Tallahatchie Bridge, times have changed.

Aquarius: You will certainly pique the interest of agents in the human organ  black market  after discussing how well your liver functions.

Pisces: The only thing you have to fear is fear itself, and an angry mob of pitchfork wielding peasents.