Why Are We So Afraid?

Fear is Gripping Today's Society

If there is one thing that we all have in common today, it is that we are the current victim's of someone's fear. After all, the reason why I don't go to the church that I've called home for the last year is because of the church's fear of what people would think of them by reading The Pummelo. There's also the fear of what homosexual relationships being formally recognized through marriage would do to society. There's the fear that the world is going to end soon through some sort of tragic, cataclysmic event that is felt by many. There's a list of phobias too long to name that cause people not to go places, do things, or experience things because they are gripped by fear. With the debt crisis in Europe, there's a global fear that a life savings will be wiped out. Even in politics, the group of Republicans and the group of Democrats that are dedicated to their causes are afraid of what will happen if their side should lose somehow come November. 

Yes... fear is gripping our nation, our society, and our world. 

When People Are Afraid, They Are Not in Control

The reason why it is wanted for you to be fearful of everything is because that gives control to someone else... or it means that you don't have control and you want it. In my case, the church wanted to have control over what I wrote on the auspices that their reputation would be damaged. In other cases, the fear comes from the desire to want to control an outcome so that it comes out a predetermined way. In other cases, it is about influencing people so that they believe the same things the influencer believes, giving that person power. 

With Two Judges Gone, American Idol Should Go White Trash

American Idol is losing two of its three judges for the next season. That's right - Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez are calling it quits on the show that just doesn't seem to want to call it quits.

Certainly you could say that it has helped the American Dream out for some vocalists over the years. After all, where would William Hung be if he hadn't auditioned for American Idol, right? And you could say that with millions of records sold and millions of dollars made on the annual tour that the show has been a resounding success.

Those are the key words there - has been.

For American Idol, All is Not Lost, However...

There's really only one way that American Idol is going to be able to become the highlight of the majority of American's evenings once again. There's only one way people are going to want to tune in night after night after night that doesn't involve people getting naked on the stage, Ryan Seacrest finally admitting that he is gay on national television and then burning a cross, or having some guy named Howard come on the show to try to save it ala America's Got Talent.

How can American Idol be saved? By turning it into white trash glory, that's how. And I've got the two perfect judges for you to replace Tyler and Lopez.

Jason Voorhees Doesn't Stand a Chance Against Sabrina Lloyd

Sabrina Lloyd is going to kick Jason Voorhees' ass today.
[Source Photo]

It may be Friday the 13th today, a day that sends shivers down the backs of some people because of their fears of this day, but for Sabrina Lloyd, this day is just like any other day.

"I'm just going to go about and do my thing today and when Jason Voorhees comes around... I'm just going to kick his ass," said Lloyd. "I might not have been in Sliders much after Season 3, but I could definitely beat the snot out of a Kromagg when we encountered them in Season 2. If I can do that, I can beat Voorhees to a bloody pulp too."

Jason Voorhees may have a staggering body count, but Lloyd says that those are just statistics. "I'm part of the generation of women that learned not to become 'just another statistic,'" said Lloyd. "You can bet your bottom dollar that I know when it is time to run... and when it is time to break out your chainsaw and start cutting off body parts."

Besides her cult tenure on Sliders, Lloyd also has a cultish following thanks to her time on the show Sports Night. "My career has really set me up to be thankful for the good times and to work hard during the bad times," said Lloyd. "If Voorhees thinks he can get the best of me just because today is a certain date, then he's got another thing coming to him."

Though getting a comment from Voorhees would have made this story more interesting, we at The Pummelo deemed it was in our best interest not to seek him out, considering his ability to appear from anywhere and maim you with some sort of sharp instrument while sitting at your computer while writing.

As for Lloyd, she says to just bring it on. "Hey - if I can give a realistic performance with good reviews in a great indy movie like Hello Lonesome, then I can conquer the world. And if I can conquer the world, and ugly mutant weirdo like Voorhees is like an ant under my boot."

We're convinced.

Your Weekend Death & Dentistry, July 13 -15, 2012

Your Weekend Death & Dentistry For 7/13-15/2012: 

If Your Birthday Is This Weekend:  The only way out of this mess on Monday is to claim you’re suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

Aries: That white stuff you left in the fridge since February 26^th2010 has developed a conscious and a central nervous system.

Taurus: You’ll have your fourth ER visit in as many weekends; I’d begin wondering what the family is up too.

Gemini:  People are always offering advice, I’d be careful with that which is based in superstition, charts and readings.

Cancer:  Your whole world changed when Bobby Stiles invited you to his 12th birthday sleepover, now you finally have a chance at vengeance.

Leo: Apparently there will be a ‘People’s Fair’ or some nonsense this weekend, which means blood in the streets, rivers of it, for you to clean up Monday.

Virgo: Spice up your weekend by throwing Cayenne pepper into the eyes of people asking you to do stuff.

Libra:  Taking your club golf pro's putting advice will result in many more lost hours on the golf course and more money given in pursuit of nothing honorable.

 
Scorpio: Your Saturday night with three truck stop hookers will be sordid and revolting along almost every continuum of rational judgment.

Sagittarius: You were not an important character in your life’s rich pageant.

Capricorn: Not sure how you survived this long without a witch hunter imprisoning you inside an iron casket and dropping you to the bottom of a lake, but that finally happens,

Aquarius: A reminder, you’re supposed to put three stitches in the mitral valve and do the aortic lavage first!

Pisces: So there are your testicles! Pressed in her silver leaf edition of Kings Cross Black Magic, next to some wild-Belladonna

Tosh & Carolla Follow Path Of Thelma & Louise

Fugitives, failed funny men Adam Carolla and Daniel Tosh

CAMP VERDE, AZ – Authorities today issued a warning for citizens to avoid comedians Daniel Tosh and Adam Corolla who are believed to be on the run and attempting to cross the border in Mexico. The press release states that the two are, “believed to be armed, unfunny and exceptionally dangerous because of their dull wit and anger towards women.”

The cross country run began earlier this week when Tosh was driven from the Laugh Factory in Los Angles after stating it would be funny if a female audience member was raped by five men after his rape humor failed and she zinged him for it.

While running from the club, Tosh tripped over a lost and confused Carolla who had has also recently stumbled into a career spiral because of his statement that women are not funny. The two ran from the parking lot of the club together in Tosh’s car.

A manhunt lead by Tina Fey had already been looking for Carolla and they quickly gathered together the forces of the internet angry at Tosh to quadruple their efforts.

Authorities believe that the two men stopped in Palm Springs where  Carola contacted partner Dave Dameshek, requesting that Dameshek, wire him all of his life savings. However Dameshek did not take the money to Carolla but appeared in person and requested Carolla marry him, but according to Agent Hal Slocumb of the FBI Carolla said no, and Dameshek went back to Los angles without leaving any money for Carolla.

Slocumb says that the FBI became involved because a young drifter, whom Tosh spent the night with, stole all of the money the two had forcing them to rob a convenience store, additionally they assaulted a police officer and blew up a fuel truck.

“This is a sad case,” said Slocumb. “Unfortunately I’ve seen this too often, two friends out to have a good time, make some mistakes and it snowballs into this whole crime spree thing, my concern now is how many more people are harmed before these two make their final, fatal leap into the Grand Canyon.”

Randy the Janitor's Movie Review – Disney’s Obsession With Stephen King & Death

MARSHALL, MO – Hello, once again, movie fans.  I’m glad that you’ve returned for some quality movie review and insight.  I also appreciate all of you local people who left me some home made snacks under your seats.  A big thank you to the person who left me cheese and pepperoni Bagel Bites.  They were good!  All of you will be happy to know that Magic Mike ends this week and we’re preparing for Ice Age: Continental Drift.  I, for one, cannot wait for Ice Age because I am still finding an occasional pair of panties on the floor, along with some AA batteries, after the late Magic Mike showings.  Women, you really need to get a grip.

As promised, we’re going to review Disney’s sick obsession with death this week.  Before Magic Mike rolled in, we finished showing Brave.  It was very popular with the small children and mothers but I did happen to see a few grandparents snoring while the grandchildren watched the screen eagerly and crammed handfuls of Reeses Pieces into their mouths like cows chewing their cuds.  It was quite the site to see.  As I watched Brave over and over again for nearly two weeks, I started to compare it to some of my favorite Disney movies.  Like any movie critic, I found a disturbing theme amongst Disney movies: Death.

Sure, death is a part of the “circle of life” but these are animated movies that kids are supposed to love and remember; so why does Disney want to insert death into a child’s subconscious?  Because they’re damn, sick people.  It happens in the most recent Disney movie, Brave, and it happens in all of the very popular Disney movies too: Jungle Book, Beauty and the Beast, Lion King, and UP.  Now why does Disney do this?  Why do they have to delve on the dark side?  Well, I have a theory for you and it’s just as solid as the pile of chewing gum under seat 4, row 1.

I recently read on a Hollywood blog that Disney has a secret contract with Stephen King and he is the one responsible for putting in the scary, death scenes.  At first, I thought all of this was total crap but then I started taking closer look at the theory while scrubbing out the toilet in the handicap stall. (Note: Please start doing a courtesy flush Mr. Bards instead of always clogging it up with toilet paper)  King was on top of the world with his books and made for TV movies before he disappeared following an accident where he was hit by a car.  All this time everyone thought King was recovering and trying to come up with new material but in reality, he was drawing a big fat paycheck from Disney.  Sick bastard!  Do you remember how he scared the hell out of America with IT?  Well, now he’s doing it with Disney and the youth of America is going to end up on prescription drugs after high school.

I’m not sure how we can boycott Disney and it’s obsession with death but we need to find a way.  The King-Disney Death Machine cannot continue to corrupt our youth or we could end up with a future generation of serial killers.  That would almost be as bad a Zombie Apocalypse!

Okay movie fans, I need to go clean out the popcorn machine or tomorrow’s customers will have the owner’s cat hair in their kernels.  Join me next week when I tell you about Disney’s infatuation with drugs and hallucinations.  Until then, keep leaving me those home made snacks and I’ll keep the toilet paper dispensers fully stocked.

Penn State And How We Don't Care About Other People's Children

Today the findings of the former FBI director Louis Freeh's inquiry into Penn State have been released to the public and the report clearly displays the fact that the leaders of the university actually worked to cover-up the allegations and end any investigation into the Jerry Sandusky incidents.

Recently on Twitter I was taken to task because Sandusky will be going to jail and my continued commentary was unjustified beating of a dead horse. I said I disagreed and left the conversation alone. I felt and still feel there is no point into going into debate about it on Twitter or anywhere else.

This column is not a debate, anyone reading wants to comment feel free I encourage you, but before you do read this rest of what is written and read the Freeh report then go do a little more fact finding.

So Why Is Jerry Sandusky Still a Big Deal?

The reason this is a big deal is because any scandal of this size, this magnitude can be used as an instrument in teaching. Teaching how power is abused, how sexual assault and molestation of children is ignored and denied and how people will always fall into the trap of believing someone else has wisdom because of success in a field that is actually irrelevant to human progress and advancement.

If one argues that OJ Simpson murder investigation/trial/verdict revealed inherent prejudice in a system, put the irregularities of the entire justice system on display and was in some fashion an important cultural moment, then now 20 years after the Penn State scandal should be viewed at least the same way, a watershed moment in culture. The unfortunate fact is that it won’t be. After today, perhaps tomorrow it will move off the front of ESPN and FoxSports and so forth and slowly begin to dissipate. Worse the great power that is ABC/ESPN and their allegiance with the NCAA and the college football factories will motivate announcers to debate how unfair, even immoral it is there is no real college football playoff while ignoring this.

That is deplorable, what should happen is that we as a culture step back for a moment and reflect why we allow sports to consume our universities, then after that, and more importantly, we need to look at the fact we don’t accept that 1 in 6 children in the United States are molested before they reach 18 and are almost always molested by someone in a position of trust.

The Sad Thing Is That This Isn't Going to End Child Abuse in Any Way

The Sandusky scandal isn’t unusual, it isn’t a bizarre anomaly it is just one predator that was given access to children because of his and his employer’s reputation. Every day, children are hurt and damaged by family, coaches, teachers, pastors for the same reason. But most of those cases will never make the news, which for the victims may be best... but for our culture it isn’t.

I hope Jerry Sandusky’s victims find peace and assistance. I hope that the children tortured by Catholic priests  find the same. I hope that the Catholic Church loses all credibility because they have spent $3 billion, yes $3 BILLION, in defending pederast priests and in covering their tracks and hiding them.

But as much as I hope for things that may not come true I hope realistically that these cases make good reporters, good teachers and school officials and good social workers reach out to the community and start teaching.

Start teaching all parents to listen to their children and never make them go near anyone they are uncomfortable with, be it a step-parent, a cousin, a coach or, facts faced another parent or sibling.

Start teaching that children do not lie about being molested, they don’t lie because they are afraid of the consequences, they are afraid someone they love (but fear) will be taken away, that families will be destroyed.

Children do not lie about this because they are led into secrecy, they are manipulated and predators use our very culture to do so.

It is time to start teaching our children we don’t keep secrets in our families and that when anyone, a coach, a teacher, a grandparent, ANYONE asks them to keep a secret they run to you and tell it. Children know intuitively that molestation is wrong, but the predator prays on fear with manipulation and uses their position of trust to maintain the secret.

As the Penn State scandal shows, people with power will go to great lengths to protect their power, and when they have access to children will go to great lengths to maintain it.

Penn State should not fall very far from this generation’s memory because it displays the worst of us and the lengths we will all go to, to deny that these horrific things could happen in our safe homes with people we think we know, people we trust and people we put too much faith in.

Penn State should be our wake up sign because it shows there is nothing more ingrained and culturally important than faith in the authority of someone who wins big in sports, even protecting other people’s children.

Romney Clearly a Liar with Pants on Fire

Romney is clearly a liar because his pants are on fire. [Source photo]

Romney is clearly attempting to say that President Obama is a liar when it comes to what he has done to America over the last term, but in attempting to discredit Obama's claims on Bain Capital recently, Romney was clearly proven to be a liar.

As you can see in this photo obtained by The Pummelo, Romney's pants are clearly on fire from ankle to knee. Taken just after refuting the claims that the Obama Administration made regarding Romney's tenure at Bain Capital being longer than it truly was,  Romney's pants spectacularly exploded into flame.

"It's the craziest thing I've ever seen," said AP photographer Allie North. "I've always heard the phrase 'Liar, liar, pants on fire,' but never figured the phrase was based on anything factual."

According to public papers that the Obama Administration has brought to the media's attention, Romney served in several capacities at Bain Capital for several years after the date Romney has publicly stated that he resigned from the organization he founded.

"If Romney is so much of a liar on this subject that his pants spontaneously combust, then it makes me wonder what else he might have said some white lies about," said Bertha Nodder, 67, and a registered Republican in Chicago, IL. "I've voted Republican ever since Ronald Reagan, but now... now I might have to change my mind.

It is believed that Romney did not even know that his pants were actually on fire as he enjoyed a beach stroll with his wife. "When it comes to politics," said North, "I think this photograph tells the entire story of the Romney campaign."

Ironically, the Romney campaign has released a retort political advertisement that calls Obama a liar. "You don't see my pants on fire, do you?" Obama told us exclusively. "I think the American public at this very moment can see who is telling the truth and who is not."

Claire Weathers, a Romney advisor, told us that one pants on fire event does not make or break a reputation. "We've all seen what the policies of the Obama Administration have been about," she said. "The American Public will figure out that it is better to have a liar in office that a guy that some black people don't even think is black. In fact, Romney is more like Obama than Obama is like Obama. You could call him White Obama."

White Obama or not, Romney clearly has some explaining to do regarding his pants being on fire.

Stimulated from a McDonald's Sausage and Egg McMuffin?

GRAND RAPIDS, MI - Amanda Wainwright has always been a little bit chubby. And when we say chubby, we mean that her doctor would classify her as morbidly obese since the age of 6.

"I just like food," Wainwright tells us. "I like food a lot. A lot a lot a lot."

Wainwright says that fatty foods are the only foods with genuine flavor. "Have you ever eaten a fat free piece of sausage?" she asked us. "It tastes like cardboard. It feels like cardboard in your mouth. It even feels like cardboard when it enters your large intestine."

So to counter this, Wainwright says she is going to start a new trend. "Everyone likes to receive oral sex, but not everyone likes to give it," she said. "With food, however, it's all about you. It's all about what you put in your mouth and the enjoyment you get from swallowing. So that's why I've created a new paraphilia called McDonald's Sausage and Egg McMuffinia."

With McDonald's Sausage and Egg McMuffinia, not only does Wainwright say she gets turned on for just $2.89 + tax in the morning, but it's only 450 calories. "It might have 20 grams of protein, but what I like is the lubrication from the 260mg of cholesterol that each one has," Wainwright told us. "It makes the food just slide, slide, slide down your throat and makes you feel all good inside."

Wainwright claims her food fetish is healthy, despite the fact that she is near 400 pounds. "That's just more cushin' for the pushin'!" she said with a smile. "I ain't no white trash Betty here - I'm a professional working woman who just loves the way food feels inside of her. Nothing more, nothing less. That's healthy, right there."

We spoke with nutritionist Dr. Maxwell Samuelson about Wainwright's idea. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH <sight pause> AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" was all we got out of him.

Wainwright just shrugs off the laughter and the criticism, however. "I just gotta be me," she said matter-of-factly. "You don't have to like me... I just have to like me. But until you have a McDonald's Sausage and Egg McMuffin with me, you won't truly know what pleasure is."

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For July 12th, 2012

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 7/9/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  I’m overcome with shock. This is too much to process. Happy Birthday and Good luck.

Aries: Occasional experimentation doesn’t mean you’re a necrophiliac with a zoo fetish, relax.

Taurus:  Four tumors, including one puffing out of your neck like another head, and a bad case of arthritis in your eye brow muscles will really play havoc with your ambitions to be a truck stop hooker.

Gemini:  The powerful sadness will not go away with time. It’s hard to believe this now, but its a fact. 

 Cancer:  Sure, the self-defense ruling was technically correct, but killing 38 toddlers feels wrong, which is something the angry violent mob will take into account when deciding your fate.

Leo: Time to write the eulogy for your hopes and dreams.

Virgo: Your masturbating in front of a long mirror seems a little narcissistic to me, and I think to your wife.

Libra:  You have a great personality, but the reckless violent format of your life doesn’t allow you to show it 

Scorpio:  You know how they say that “every cloud has a silver lining”? I’m sure that’s true ninety-nine percent of the time but not this time, this one only has lightning and deadly hail.

Sagittarius: Even your body hitting the floor with a loud thud won’t alert the neighbors so it will be weeks before they find your decaying body.

Capricorn: I cannot promise you that such an incident will not occur again, but you will survive with only 79% of your body scarred.

Aquarius: It’s just so bizarre. Is it a sex obsession? I hope it’s not a sex obsession.

Pisces: Someday, other than today, we’ll all share a big laugh! 

Octomom Can Proceed To Strip Disgusted Judge Says

Octomom will be allowed to take off her clothes Friday

WEST PALM BEACH, FL. — 15th Judicial Circuit of Florida Judge Timothy McCarthy ruled that everyone involved with Nadya Suleman's career were, “Idiots sullying the bench and everything else they touch,” while denying one strip club’s attempt to block the infamous “Octomom” from appearing at another club.

T's Lounge in West Palm Beach was attempting to get an emergency order restraining Suleman from appearing at The Playhouse Gentleman's Club in Hollywood Florida on the same day she had previously contracted to appear at T's Lounge.

Judge McCarthy ruled against holding an emergency hearing saying the situation does not, “constitute a legal emergency.”

However in issuing the statement McCarthy added that he hoped that both clubs would lose business on be forced to close for causing such idiocy to even come close to his courtroom.

“The courts on any level should be used to settle irreconcilable disputes and maintain the Constitution,” stated McCarthy. “This type of case shouldn’t even be heard on Warren Sapp’s fake court show, this is a perfectly useless waste of anyone’s time.”

T's Lounge was attempting to thwart Octomom’s scheduled appearance this Friday because she had signed a contract to dance topless at T's this week but later backed out in favor of larger pay check from The Playhouse Gentleman's Club.

While this ruling does allow Suleman’s show McCarthy also ruled a breach-of-contract lawsuit filed against her by T's can proceed.

Waldo Arrested; Charged with 12,980 Counts of Arson

BOISE, ID - Authorities have finally caught up with renegade beloved children's character Waldo, and after a brief standoff in a Boise apartment, was arrested and charged with over 12,000 counts of arson that date back to 2001.

"It's a good thing that we finally found this character and put a stop to his nefarious deeds," said Sergeant Manuel Miller of the Boise police department. "He won't be bothering anyone any more."

First exposed for his deeds by The Pummelo because of his setting the Waldo Canyon Fire near Colorado Springs that is considered to be the worst wildfire in state history. Consuming 346 homes and responsible for the deaths of at least two people, the Waldo Canyon Fire was finally declared 100% contained yesterday evening.

"Do I regret that people died because of my actions?" asked Waldo. "I suppose so. Do I care that people lost their homes? Not really - after all, that's what insurance is for. And sure I might get death threats, but I know for a fact that they are going to stick me in solitary confinement for the rest of my life, so good luck finding me to try to off me."

Authorities believe Waldo may be responsible for over $1 trillion in damages over the past decade. "There's no telling how much damage this little firebug as done," said Jill Matthews, Public Information Officer for AAA. "From homes to vehicles to lives that are priceless, Waldo has made it very difficult for many families over the years. It's a shame that it has taken so long to find him so that his arson spree could be stopped."

Jay, our reporter based in Colorado Springs, is thankful that everything is over for good. "If I ever find Waldo, I'm going to break his neck!" he declared. "Until then, we're just going to do everything we can do to restore our lives back to some normalcy."

Waldo is expected to make his first court appearance this Friday on state charges of arson, but Federal authorities may also file charges against him. Colorado has already put in an extradition request so that they can file murder charges.

All this makes Waldo shrug. "You guys finally found me. Good for you... but you haven't heard the last from Waldo."

Your Death And Dentistry for July 11, 2012

If Your Birthday Is Today:  You will still get your birthday cake, but only after the doctors are done stitching your face back together. It also is last time you be able to play street hockey.

Aries: After the snake bite last night, we are all surprised you can still read this. The poison should kill you soon enough though.

Taurus: You’ve pulled your last job as a con artist. Steven Seagal doesn’t look kindly on being tricked. He will show you mercy, but its hard to say if you will ever walk again.  

Gemini: Your Wimbledon inspired tennis lesson will only end in infertility at best, if you ever awake from the coma. 

Cancer: The pizza you order will be your last, so don’t worry about tipping. Who knew a delivery driver could buy that kind of fire power?

Leo: The Doctor was wrong. The zombie squirrels were after you. The zombie squirrels finally do get you. Your only hope is to find a stash of acorns somewhere... anywhere...

Virgo: Don’t trust your feelings because they only lead to a torture dungeon. Also never accept anything to drink from your neighbor Larry, even when he is wearing a nice leisure suit. 

Libra: Your grandmother's pearl necklace will get caught on the banister when you slip on the stairs, giving your trachea and up close and personal glimpse of them. Who knew the necklace was made with such strength? 

Scorpio: You should figure out by day's end that you crashed your car and are now dead. Just don’t say Beetlejuice three times... and don't give him your number ticket.

Capricorn: Your camping trip will come to an abrupt end when your tent collapses in the night, suffocating you and friends. You were right - the ranger was not to be trusted. There's good news, though - your dog will survive to take vengeance.

Aquarius: Just because the bar’s jukebox is playing Kenny Chesney, everyone is watching NASCAR, and there are Affliction shirts everywhere, mentioning Mitt Romney might not be advised. The bar is full of Steelworkers laid off by Bain Capital. 

Pisces: Your gambling debt is finally wiped clean.... but remember, the fingers are only the first thing to go and you've got the whole day ahead of you.

Woman Develops Freakish Calf Muscles After Using Skechers Shape-ups

OWENSBORO, KY – “When those shoes came out, I thought it was the greatest thing invented since cheese in a can.  The shoes were supposed to help me lose weight while toning my butt and leg muscles.  I wore those damn shoes everywhere and even thought about wearing them to bed but my feet really started to stink after wearing them all day so I didn’t.  I loved my Skechers.  They were trendy and were going to help me get healthy.”  The words from Angela Moors slowly switched from hope to disappointment as she talked about her failed Skechers Shape-up shoes.  Angela, unfortunately, is not the only one who fell for the false Skechers advertisement.

Back in May, the Federal Trade Commission charged shoe manufacturer Skechers with making unfounded claims that its Shape-ups and other toning shoes would help consumers lose weight and tone their buttocks, legs, and abdominal muscles.  Following the charge, Skechers agreed to pay $40 million in refunds to consumers who bought their toning shoes.  Thousands of consumers took advantage of the Skechers refund, including Angela, but Ms. Moors is now looking for additional compensation.  “It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that I’m a full figured woman,” said Angela.  “My butt and legs wiggle when I walk and they need lots of toning.  I needed some serious help and Skechers promised to firm up the jiggling parts but they failed.  My body is temple and I don’t need it to be a temple of wiggling Jello.”  Visibly upset, Ms. Moors stopped talking for a moment and hiked up her pant leg to show us her oversized, well-developed calf muscles.

“Now if my butt and thighs looked like this, I’d go dancing every weekend and wear nothing but a thong or some sexy boy shorts.  But it doesn’t look like that and no one wants to grab and squeeze your calves at the club.  Sure, my cankles are gone but a guy isn’t gonna bump and grind on my lower leg when we’re dancing.  He wants that nice, firm butt.  Ya know what I’m talking about?” Angela asked with more disappointment dripping from her words.  She fully intends on getting her refund from Skechers and is thinking about hiring an attorney for additional pain and suffering.  “I can’t wear a pair of shorts or a skirt because my legs look freaky,” Ms. Moors concluded.  “This not only affects my social life but it would effect my sex life if I had one.  Flo Rida might be the Wild One but he’ll never take a second look at a woman who has bigger legs than him.”

While Angela continues to work out the problems in her personal and sex life, we’re pretty sure that Skechers Shape-ups will sell quickly on the black market to aspiring body builders.

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For July 10th, 2012

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 7/10/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  Perhaps it’s a hint regarding your biological clock, or perhaps they hate you but your parents have a bootleg DVD copy of Kourtney Kardashian giving birth just to watch with you.

Aries: I wouldn’t go outside today the Stars are having their own Home Run Derby and things could get a little apocalyptic.

Taurus:  You will experience a mild feeling of paranoia all day and a nagging suspicion that your work is actually insignificant.

Gemini:  Your commandeering the Karaoke machine to cover all of Usher’s hits actually gets you the support a group of masochistic   barfly’s and drunks who have given up on life.

Cancer:  All your hip, ironic “McHale's Navy” references now seem ghoulish after Ernest Borgnine's death.

Leo: After getting lost on a cross-country family camping trip, your beloved Grandmother Penelope will cover 3,000 miles to return home with the help of an army of truck stop hookers.

Virgo: Your long journey toward spiritual fulfillment will be obstructed this week by yet another kidnapping of Zayn Malik and Perrie Edwards.

Libra:  As you might expect on a Tuesday, you once more become attached to the pitiless and enigmatic Christian Grey.

Scorpio:  An energetic, vigorous, shampoo makes your hair smell awesome and feel so soft.

Sagittarius: Allow yourself a special treat today, do what every American dreams of. Kill your boss. Kill her. Kill her. Kill her.

Capricorn: Today your life will continue pretty much as it always has.

Aquarius: Muahahahaahahahhaahahahhahahaahahahahahahahahhahahaa

Pisces: A humdrum day will turn strange when you’re suddenly ostracized by the people with lives.

Man Gets Thrown Out Of Golden Corral For Being Too White Trash

White Trash Chainsaw Expert Mav Ryder

WICHITA FALLS, TX - Diners were forced to flee for their lives and leave their tasteless and despair filled food behind when a anger-fueled man burst into the Golden Corral and lunged at them with a chainsaw just minutes after he was thrown out for smoking.

According to Wichita Falls Deputy Chief Laura Drury, the suspect; Mav Ryder, 24, charged into restaurant armed with chainsaw planning exact revenge on manager Travis Billings who forced him to put out his cigarette.

According to Drury, Ryder went and got the chain saw and his shotgun from his truck after Billings and a waiter physically removed him from the restaurant.  

“We have a smoking ban in place in the city,” said Drury. “All Mr. Billings was doing was enforcing the city ordinances as well as the Golden Corral policy, I mean this place is sad enough but who wants to come in here and see a white trash thug lighting Marlboros?”

Billings had already called police because of Ryder’s threats after he was told to leave. 

However, before police arrived Ryder marched up to the door of the restaurant with the chainsaw running and fired his shotgun through the plate glass entrance. He then fired the gun at the cashier before dropping it. He swung the chainsaw towards passer-by who ran to get out of his way.

And once inside the restaurant customers defended themselves with chairs and food as Ryder lashed out.

Diner Huston Pryor, suffered ruptured tendons as he desperately tried to get himself out of Ryder’s path.

Ryder was only stopped after customers managed to overpower him with lukewarm gravy, macaroni, and chairs. Billings was able to blind him momentarily with the green beans.

Eyewitness Pryor said, “I could not believe my eyes. It was like something out of a bad horror movie, or Quentin Tarantino flick. Son of a bitch wounded my shooting arm or he'd be dead.”

Drury said Ryder is facing charges of grievous bodily harm and assault with a deadly for striking Pryor and for assault, threatening behavior, assault with a firearm, and several other charges.

Drury added Ryder has a wretched record for theft, drug possession and burglary.

“This was a really appalling and outrageous incident,” said Drury. “It must have been so frightening for the people there, still I’m surprised he wasn’t shot 93 times when he came back in because everyone was armed.”

She added, “This could have been much worse but this is what happens when you mix white trash with drugs, alcohol and gas driven tools.”

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For July 9th, 2012

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 7/9/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  Your Gypsy Tarot reader will tell you not to believe your horoscope this week, but you better not believe her.

Aries: If you want a quickie before work, I’d apologize to your spouse for maiming and killing your In-laws.

Taurus:  Life and Love are about loneliness, frustration, and unfulfilled dreams. Oh, and bacon.

Gemini:  You will be covered in a burlap bag, driven to a bridge on the outskirts of town, and then thrown out of a speeding van.

Cancer:  You know that bridge on the opposite outskirts of town? It's the perfect height for what you're considering.

Leo: After last night’s shenanigans, if you, for whatever reason, happen to find your way back home, you’ll be beaten severely with a large stick

Virgo: “Sorry,” your boss will say. “You are skilled and I respect that, but really, you must now die so Cthulhu may rise.”

Libra:  As you might expect on a Monday, you become the prey of some pitiless and mysterious creature.

Scorpio:  Your life is pretty good, enough action to keep the Stars interested but, not so humiliating that they are embarrassed and bored by watching it.

Sagittarius: Your regular life will have an anti-climactic ending at 5:23 p.m.

Capricorn: Randomly asking your work associates to, “Pass the ketchup, please.” Isn’t funny anymore

Aquarius: Asking all truck stop hookers to refer to your testicles as “Abbott and Crosby,” is completely and totally wrong, and an extra $30

Pisces: You’re going to hear a lot of people being dramatic and whining about the white stuff you left in the elevator and on the door handles.