Social Gaming Doesn't Stop Anti-Social Man

Even the anti-social can apparently enjoy SimCity Social on Facebook.

DOVER, MD - Will Cromwell has never had too many friends in life. He's always kind of preferred to keep to himself, not really bother anyone, and focus on his career and his family.

"Yeah - I can count the number of people that I truly consider to be a friend on one hand," said Cromwell, who just had his 39th birthday yesterday. "I don't really trust many people, so in turn people don't really trust me. That means no one really comes over for beef stew and to watch Donnie Darko."

For Cromwell, being anti-social isn't a bad thing. "I guess you could say I go for quality over quantity when it comes to relationships," he said. I used to be in this poker group where I was the youngest guy there. Then there was a guy with Parkinson's, three guys who had prostate cancer, and all but one of the other guys was a veteran of Korea or Vietnam. Now that... that was a good time once a week."

This week Cromwell discovered that his favorite gaming series, SimCity, had come to Facebook by means of social gaming. "Just the thought of 'social gaming' makes my palms get a little sweaty," admits Cromwell. "I don't really like putting myself out there and annoying people with 3 kagillion gaming requests, you know?"

But that hasn't stopped Cromwell from playing. "I've got my city humming along pretty good!" he declares with a big smile. "I've only got 5 neighbors out of my 100 or so friends, but my city has over 13,000 people in it in just a week!"

Cromwell says the secret to social gaming when you're anti-social is to spend a lot of money on stuff. Real money, not that fake stuff they give you in the game. "I've probably dropped $30 on the game so far," admits Cromwell, "but that's ok. My wife has a good job, I have a good job, and we've got all the back-to-school stuff ready for the kids. We've got a few bucks to spare."

Mildred, Will's wife, says she just likes to see her husband happy. "He's usually trolling websites and getting frustrated by political or religious dogma these days," she told us. "With SimCity Social, his frustration has a pretty good outlet that doesn't have to include MS-DOS."

Cromwell tells us his goal is to have the most populous city on Facebook. "I'm going to prove to the world that it doesn't take a socialite to have a good gaming experience," he said. "You just have to be smart about using the friends you do have, smart about using your resources, and a little bit of time after the kids go to bed while your wife watches the ID channel."

Sounds like pretty good advice to me.

The Colorado Shooting: When Violence Rends The Heart

Let us never forget

Two things need to be said upfront about what follows. First I am a native Coloradoan, my family settled on the banks of Clear Creek where Golden is today in 1851 eight years before the Colorado gold rush. Second, as a reporter I have covered a mass shooting before. It happened in my hometown and no matter how unbiased one says they are as a reporter, such an event changes you.

In The Shadow Of Fury

July 5, 2001, the work cell rang at 1:30 am. At that moment I knew it couldn’t be good. My editor needed me to go to the City Market because there had been a shooting. As always, the details were sketchy... but there were multiple victims.

I thought I was good reporter, but still it was home, the town I grew up in, and it was hard to get my head around it. I arrived detached because I couldn’t grasp what had happened immediately. This was just two years past Columbine and a shooting that tore at the fabric of Colorado and the education system of the United States. We still had not and still have not come to terms with it. The shadow of that furious day of despair hung over everything.

In Rifle, CO, a madman (I will not say the name of any murderer) had taken the morning of July 5 to express his anger and prejudice. He had gotten drunk at a local bar and nursing an animosity, he walked into a trailer court full of Latinos and shot four people to death.

Did their ethnicity matter? No. Only as part of the investigation’s attempt to discover what might have happened. So I reported what happened, followed the investigation and trail. I wrote about the memorial candle lighting and the march through town regarding peace and solidarity.

A year later I interviewed the family of the victims and they were empty inside. The violence that had occurred had ripped the soul out of the two families I spoke too. Had these marches or the vulgar politics of the day done anything? 

Absolutely not. 

The fact is that those activities didn’t change anything. Slurs about “wetbacks” still floated around town and they still do to this very day. Violence is still everywhere in town with shootings, officer down incidents, domestic violence, and drug violence all common occurrences. Eleven years later, the trailer court is gone, the City Market torn down and rebuilt, and the memorials that were left are gone. Thousands of new residents have no clue that this horrific incident occurred.

Three families were destroyed, and those survivors are, maybe, among the few that remember that morning. That, my friends, is what I consider a tragedy.

Normalcy Bias and Outright Disgust

I mention my bonds to Colorado because it is important to the idea of “Normalcy Bias." Even after Columbine and my own experience in Rifle, I was still stunned to hear about the Aurora shootings. These things are simply not supposed to happen at home... or at least that is what we tell ourselves. They happen in California, Texas or Florida where there are huge populations and a lot of weirdos. Except, this violence, sadly and hauntingly has happened in Colorado, multiple times.

Once Again We Ask Why, With No Answers

And so it goes, today all the national media outlets are in Aurora to follow this reprehensible act of terror. Quite often yesterday I heard the following:

“I don’t know what’s wrong with people!”

“How could God let this happen?”

“If someone had a gun, if I were there, things would have been different”

These are all the questions of someone trying to comprehend a senseless horrific act, but they all are the wrong statement, the wrong attitude. Let us be honest - we allow it to happen. There is no single cause, but we still allow it. We argue about being pro-life and still allow violence in every aspect of our lives. This is not as judgmental as it sounds, just factual. Our everyday language is filled with hate and disgust and disrespect. I do it, you do it. We love vicarious violence in our entertainment, I do, and you do.

Still that’s not what leads to this. 

What’s wrong with people is a pointless question. We’ll never actually know what motivates these killers. There is something toxic within some small percentage of humanity, and for all the routine and seemingly continuous ugly and sad news, violent acts are rarer then they seem.

God didn’t allow this. If you are a believer then you know we were granted free will and with free will comes free societies and individual atrocities, regardless of what some congressman in Texas may spout. God never promised this life free of extremes regardless of beliefs individual or societal.

I will barely touch on that last nonsense. No one can determine what we will do in a catastrophe because it is so far outside our normal circumstances. 


There will be new laws, new security measures as there always are. Changes in how block-buster movies are introduced. A lot of cosmetic things. Screams about guns and gun laws. Vulgar political opportunism and debate about the public role of faith and psychological analysis. None of it helpful, some of it dividing us further.

Aftershocks

I’m no different than anyone searching for some peace and restoration after such a tragedy. I have no answers only a couple of things I firmly believe. I believe evil and tragedy must exist so we can truly understand the profound depth of love, compassion and joy in balance. 

I also believe that we must express those things daily to recognize that they are fully in our lives. We must say we love others in word and deed. We must show compassion to those in need, in distress, the lost. We must embrace joy when we find it because it is a truly rare commodity.

Peace and love, JB.

White Stuff People Like #2: A Rick Perry Zombie

There's no doubt about the fact that there is a bunch of white stuff people like. I like the creme in an Oreo cookie, especially more so now that so many others are boycotting Oreos because they support gay rights. I like snow when it is falling here in the Pacific Northwest because let's face it: anything besides rain up here is a blessing that shouldn't be taken likely. Today, however, we add another item to the official Pummelo list of White Stuff People Like: Zombie Rick Perry.

Governor Rick Perry, who is well known for having good hair without necessarily having the morals to match as indicated by his support, in my opinion, of the execution of a man with mental health issues and other physical disabilities, including Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

A zombie Rick Perry, however, would simply be trying to eat the brains of his constituents. And the first time he tried that in Texas, you know a gun wielding rancher would happily put a bullet between his eyes and never think twice about it.

Look - I'm sure Governor Perry is a nice enough guy in person. I don't have any problem with him personally. I do, however, have a problem with his ethics, his business practices, and his apparent desire to hold women as second class citizens. I'm not asking you to agree with me in my views of Rick Perry, but I think we can find middle ground in the fact that for white stuff people like, a zombie Rick Perry would be pretty awesome.

I'm not going to pretend I know what it takes to work as the executive branch of a state as large as Texas. I've never been a Governor. I have, however, led a large business group worth millions of dollars, managed a seven and sometimes eight figure budget, and oversaw a group of 140+ people directly on a daily basis and I can tell what I learned is this: to be a great leader, you must think less of yourself and think more of the people that you are serving in a leadership role. I don't think Rick Perry succeeds at this.

Your Weekend Death & Dentistry, July 20-22, 2012

Here is your weekend horoscope:

________________________________________

If Your Birthday Is This Weekend:  

By Sunday night you will fully understand why every single problem in society, real or imagined, is your fault. The wind on your face as you leap off the bridge will feel good though

Aries: 

You’ll never underestimate the impact of a logging chain to the skull again after Saturday’s orgy of violence.

Taurus: 

Judicious use of facial expressions, confident body language and good conversational skills are sensible when meeting your girlfriend’s family, it’s a shame you don’t understand any of that.

Gemini:  

It's doubtful the use such aggressive terms as “Poodle Worshipper” will intimidate the Aryan Brotherhood members in Cell Block C

Cancer:  

When you go hunting ducks, make sure you’re not the decoy.

Leo: 

The fiendish Lord Circumciser of the Sons of the Confederacy will screw up again and leave you to bleed to death in Putney’s Pool Hall.

Virgo: 

Four nefarious, volatile and inherently impulsive truck stop hookers will  leave you in the desert without cheese for your pretzels.

Libra:  

Your only fault is that you annoy all the members of Murder Inc.

 
Scorpio: 

No surprise here, you get your testicles crushed and arrested as usual.

Sagittarius: 

It has been rumored that your very existence was an accident; Fate will correct that this Sunday.

Capricorn: 

A monstrous ogre will feast upon you, so at least your death won’t be totally senseless.

Aquarius: 

When you haphazardly choose a foggy mountain road in the dark, well you usually get demons, zombies, and chain saw wielding maniacs; but not you, no you get Newsies singing.

Pisces: 

Everything your Mom ever told you was to convince you to avoid licking white stuff off the floor, sadly she failed, fortunately you have life insurance naming her benefactor.

Fred Willard Admits He Has No Internet Porn At Home

Actor Fred Willard arrested for Lewd Conduct
by LAPD  at the Tiki Theater in Hollywood 

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Actor Fred Willard admitted today that while he has a computer at home he has no internet access because he doesn’t know how to set up his network.

“To be honest I just don’t have the internet at home,” said the 78 year old comic actor. “I’m ashamed to say that I’ve kept this dark secret for 15 years, when we were filming Anchorman Paul Rudd and Dave Koechner were always talking about this new actress or how many men Sasha Grey had done in one scene and I had no idea what they were talking about, that’s why I was in that theater last night, no F**king Redtube at home.”

Willard added that while it was embarrassing to be arrested he also felt young again for sneaking into an adult theater and simply “nutting one.”

“Theaters kind of went out of style even before the internet," said Willard. “The video nearly killed the dark, dank pornohouse, but there is always a little bit of a thrill that makes you feel like you’re back in 7th grade watching Mrs., Correveli move her perfect ass by the chalk board an fantasizing your were making her moan.”

Willard was arrested by LAPD undercover vice officers at the Tiki Theater in Hollywood about 9:00 p.m. Wednesday night and charged with “Lewd Conduct” and released a short time later.

Willard was very stimulated by one of the three films in rotation at the theater, "Follow Me 2," a XXX parody of "The Client List," and "Step Dad No. 2," but police documents do not say which one.

Longtime friend and colleague Martin Mull has started a Kickstarter program to raise funds for an internet connection with multiple screens to be put in Willard’s home. 

Another frequent collaborator Christopher Guest said that he believes a new an ensemble production could come from this, Guest added that Willard could have been researching for his role for a movie entitled, "The Yank."

In The Conservatory. With The Candle Stick. By Mrs. White Trash

Woman only identified as "Mrs. White Trash"

NASHVILLE, TN - A woman is accused of beating her boyfriend with a candle and candlestick holder in the Conservatory Bar while eating , resulting in her arrest.

The alleged attack took place July 18 Nashville Police officer Green said that based on witness reports that a man and his girlfriend became involved in an argument that became physical.

The woman is said to have picked up a glass candle holder, which had a candle in it, from the table and threw it at the man, hitting him on the head.

The woman told officers “I got a little drunk and argued with my boyfriend, the great ‘Professor Plum’, a dingbat who couldn’t have fun because of the rod in his ass!”

Green said she did not remember anything after that.

The man had a bump on his head where the candle holder struck him.


She was charged with battery. Her court date is July 24. 

Hubble Telescope Discovers Flying Spaghetti Monster

MIAMI, FL - NASA scientists are incredibly excited by a recent picture that the Hubble Telescope has managed to capture in deep space.

"We were expecting a great new nebula, or maybe the location of a pulsar, or maybe even the remnants of a supernova," said Dr. Gillian Kingsley, who has been involved with the Hubble Project from the very beginning. "What we found may very well change what we think of human existence, and I find myself very excited by this in a non-sexual way."

What the Hubble Telescope managed to capture on tape is the elusive Flying Spaghetti Monster. Followers, who are known for wearing colanders on their heads in worship of the great deity that flies in the sky, are really worshipping quite fervently right now. Lloyd Matthews, 28, of Seattle, WA told us that this is the proof people need to solidify his religion. "You can debate back and forth about the elements of Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, and all those other religions," said Matthews. "As for the FSM Church, we've got modern evidence, in hand, of our beliefs."

"Don't panic," he said. "Just grab your colander and join us."

Religious groups are trying to stay on the down low regarding this authenticated picture. Mark Driscoll, who leads the Mars Hill group, released a statement today that indicated the beliefs of Christians shouldn't change just because there's a large, limp noodle that was found in space. Focus on the Family released a statement that suggested someone put a can of Chef Boyardee on the Hubble Telescope lens before taking the picture. And Imam Abdullah Muhammad Al-Muhammad tells us that what we are seeing is the Great Prophet's intestines being cleaned in holiness.

Matthews says people will believe what they want to believe. "You can clearly see his meatball testicles in the photo," he said. "That's how I know for certain that what has been captured in this photograph is the real and true Flying Spaghetti Monster."

Dr. Kingsley says that religion will have to be re-examined by everyone. "You can certainly argue that God or Allah created the Flying Spaghetti Monster," she said. "Does this make him a prophet? A poet? A teacher? A priest? A savior?"

Driscoll says there is only one savior. "Jesus said that He is the way, the truth, and the life... not some hunk of spaghetti. For me, this changes nothing, because I can see the truth in people's lives in visions like a video screen in front of me and I don't see truth in what people are saying about this."

What happens next? Dr. Kingsley says she isn't quite sure. "All we know is that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is quite a few light years away. Is he traveling here? Is he going to create a new Earth? Is he going to transport the faithful away to a new planet? Our picture really does create more questions than answers, and all I know is that we should start doing a better job of protecting ourselves. In a non-sexual way."

Chick-fil-A President Predicts "God's Wrath" Is Coming

ATLANTA, GA - The president of Chick-fil-A said his company will be one of the few to survive Judgment Day and feels that the issue of Gay Marriage was one of just many factors that were soon to bring God’s Wrath upon the United States.

Dan Cathy, the company's  president and chief operating officer, told Baptist Press that the company founded by his father was unapologetically in favor of traditional marriage.

“Guilty as charged,” he said. “We are very much supportive of the family – the biblical definition of the family unit. God knows what heathens exist and will soon come to cleanse our nation and world of THOSE type of people and He’ll need chicken sandwiches and banana pie shakes for sustenance because Satan has a huge army, God can do anything but he needs the support of the faithful .”

In a separate interview on the Ken Coleman Show — Cathy suggested that the nation could also face God’s wrath over man issues such as the acceptance of yoga, vegetarianism, and “Twilight”.

“I think we are inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at him and say, ‘We know better than you as to what is good for us,’” Cathy said. “I pray God’s mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we would have the audacity to try to redefine what nutrition and exercise are.”

Cathy’s comments seem to contradict a statement he made last year indicating the company was not getting involved in the culture war.

Chick-fil-A has 1,608 restaurants with sales of more than $4 billion – and a value system that is deeply rooted in the Bible.

“We don’t claim to be a Christian business,” he said. “But we operate on biblical principles. So that is what we claim to be. We are based on biblical principles, asking God and pleading with God to give us wisdom on decisions we make about people and the programs and partnerships we have. And He has blessed us because we recognize that we are commanded to eat meat and shepherd the earth by having 40,000 acre farms of caged chickens.”

But not everyone shares those values. Cathy’s comments brought condemnation from some of his targets.

“Chick-fil-A is swimming against the tide on the issue of marriage equality,” writer Stephanie Myers said. “American companies know that discrimination hurts business. He is also wrong-headed and confused about what my ‘Twilight’ series represents and the effect on our culture.”

The Atlanta-based restaurant chain has frequently been criticized by food enthusiasts for being closed on Sunday’s and for the long held position on Gay Rights. However Cathy’s comments seem likely to add to increase protests and petition drives to close their franchises among the already outspoken and otherwise marginalized minority cultures across the country.

Daily Death & Dentistry for July 19, 2012

Here's Your Daily Horoscope

If your birthday is today:

Having your identity stolen really sucks. Not having one worth stealing even after your Yahoo password was hacked sucks twice as much.

Aries:

Surprise! Today is "Turn The Average Accountant Inside-Out With Your Bare Hands Day" at the office.

Taurus:

You’ll now always come up as a cautionary example of how not to approach a feral Willow Smith.

Gemini:

Ok, you’re really getting into this. I guess that’s, eeuuw! What the heck IS the Octomom doing with that waffle iron?

Cancer:

Today is one of those summer days you wish could last forever, unfortunately your’s ends in about three minutes.

Leo:

Oh God you too! Oh, this is gross. You can totally see Octomom’s Cesarean scar!

Virgo:

If you see an NFL player it’s best to avoid eye contact, bitches be crazy until training camps open.

Libra:

You’ll have the pleasure of reading  Stephen Covey’s ‘Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Ghosts” very soon.

Scorpio:

The Stars legitimately think murdering you for ignoring ‘Breaking Bad’ is legal and moral.

Sagittarius:

Anyone who makes the same disgusting noises as a Belieber deserves your horrible fate on the escalator.

Capricorn:

George Zimmerman says it was ‘God’s Plan’ that he killed Trayvon Martin. On the other hand you being killed by a neighborhood watch was totally random and coincidental.

Aquarius:

On the bright side the Westboro Baptist Church refuses to protest your funeral, fearing the taint of an evil worse than their own.

Pisces:

Ever been moved to hit someone just because they were annoying you? Well then show some sympathy for the 2,200 people who pass by you today , it’s just bruising and a few shattered ribs.

Global Warming Linked to Hot Air from Rush Limbaugh

Forget methane emissions from cows... look to the source of hot air.
Photo: Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office

NEW YORK, NY - Conspiracy theories are everywhere. Hollywood is out to get President Obama re-elected through the Batman franchise because of a villain named Bane. President Obama hates America. Bill Clinton wears bedazzled high heels when he is alone at night in his bathroom.

But one conspiracy theory appears to be true instead of a myth, a theory, or an opinion. That would be global warming. Authorities today with the NOAA announced that they have discovered what is causing the Earth to heat up at a faster pace than ever before in history, and especially so in the last year.

"It appears that we can blame global warming on one man and one man alone," said Dr. Ethan Kroger, a meteorologist who has been with the NOAA for 15 years. "And that man would be Rush Limbaugh."

Turns out that Mr. Limbaugh is so full of hot air that he is able to replace normal atmospheric conditions with atypical atmospheric conditions with every breath he takes. "It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen," said Dr. Kroger. "It seems that Mr. Limbaugh has created so much sensationalized propaganda that not only has he started believing what he says, but it has raised his internal temperature but at least two degrees. This has caused all the hot air to expel with every breath."

"Then normal atmosphere comes in to cool off his engines a little," continued Dr. Kroger, "but it gets heated up once again. It's truly one of the most incredible things I've ever seen."

Dr. Kroger says that if Limbaugh keeps up at the pace he is going, the polar ice caps will melt within the next 5 years. "If Obama wins the election this year, I'd invest in a good air conditioner and move to higher ground," he advised. "Water levels would rise dramatically in that scenario thanks to the amount of hot air being expelled."

Al Gore reportedly pumped a fist into the air. "I knew it! I knew there was something wrong with the atmosphere! Now my Nobel Prize will be worth something!"

Limbaugh retracted his comments about the new Batman movie on today's show, stating that he didn't mean to say that it was created for the 2012 campaign. "And yet... yet the Earth's core temperature went up .001% when he said that!" declared Dr. Kroger. "I know for a fact that the man is lying!"

Limbaugh either had no comment, refused to comment, or didn't get our e-mail yet requesting comment.

Tall Midget Denied Chance at Lady Gaga's Boobies

Were midgets that were too tall discriminated against to make this photo?
Photo by: Steven Klein

Bill Butler, who happens to stand at just 3'1" tall, has decided to file a lawsuit today alleging that he was not allowed to be chosen as one of Lady Gaga's booby blockers in her recently released promotional photograph promoting the perfume "Fame."

"Little guys like me... we don't get that many chances to be around boobies the size of our head," Butler told us exclusively. "They said that I was too tall to be included in the photo shoot and I find that to be height discrimination."

Butler says he does see the irony in the fact that even though he is shorter than a vast majority of men on the planet Earth that he is suing because he was considered to be too tall. "It's probably the only time in my life where someone will criticize the way God made me because I'm too tall for their needs," said Butler. "Heck - I'm too short to even be a jockey. That's why I thought the casting call for small men would be a boon to my career."

Butler sighed. "Turns out I was wrong."

Butler says he intends to sue Lady Gaga for $1 million. "Now I know I was only supposed to make $2,500 for appearing in the photo ad, but you have no idea about the pain and suffering I've gone through with this discrimination," Butler said. "My friends call me 'Cucumber' now because I'm so tall. I get teased because I don't meet the height requirements now for the McDonald's play tunnels. It's just hurtful... just plain hurtful."

We contacted Lady Gaga over Twitter for a comment, but received none as of yet.

As for Butler, he says the lawsuit is helping him move on with life. "I just want someone to acknowledge the tall little people too," Butler said sadly. "We want to feel Lady Gaga naked too, you know."

PETA Upset About Surfacing of Octomom's Racy Pics

PETA says this photograph is an abomination.

LOS ANGELES, CA - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA, is very upset today that there have been racy photos of Octomom released over the internet.

"Animals should not have to be exposed to such cruelty," said PETA spokesperson Carrie Lincoln. "It's just an abomination and anyone who looks at, publishes, or even thinks about these photographs should be ashamed of themselves to the Nth degree."

Coming on the heels of Octomom's porn video, these racy photos, as seen here, show the reason behind why Nadya Suleman was only paid $8,000 for her appearance on film. "Yeah... we had to do a lot of makeup work on her," said an anonymous source at Wicked Pictures. "It was particularly hard to get the scales to look like human skin on film."

"I figured that after having 14 kids, her figure would need a little help... ok an extra helping of help on top of the help," said Hollywood makeup expert Jules von Vandenburg. "After seeing these pictures and then seeing Octomom: Home Alone... I can't believe what those guys at Wicked Pictures were able to do. It almost made me want to try zoophilia."

"Close your eyes and look away!" advised Lincoln. "Inhumane pictures like this one have no business being anywhere on the internet, in someone's hands, or even on someone's camera. No animal deserves to be treated this poorly, and believe me... karma is a bitch. Try to exploit photos of animals being exploited and you're going to pay!"

Suleman told us that we obviously caught her while trying on her Halloween costume this year. "I don't know why you guys at The Pummelo are writing so many articles about me," she told us. "I just a woman who has 14 kids and masturbated for money. It's kind of like I'm living the American dream... especially when you consider that I'm getting food stamps too."

She also disputes the idea that she's an "animal." "I don't know what PETA is talking about. I'm human just like any other human. Just because I don't have a Size 0 figure doesn't mean that I'm any less attractive."

"What goes around, comes around," warned Lincoln. "PETA is watching you. We're watching closely. We love animals and they love us. And if the animals don't love you... then God help you."

Death & Dentistry for July 18, 2012

Here's Your Daily Horoscope

If your birthday is today:

The stars and planets have aligned perfectly for Fred to encounter you today. Fred loves chopping weeds. Fred loves chopping weeds with a machete. And you, my friend, are the next weed he intends to chop.

Aries:

Your long lost second uncle twice removed as come back thanks to your joyous success at work. You might not think your $400 per year raise is anything special, but to your uncle, that's booze money right there, baby. And when your long lost second uncle twice removed is sober... well, I'd duck.

Taurus:

It's time to take the bull by the horns today because let's face it, my friend - the bull's horns are currently up in your anus because you just can't seem to pull the trigger on a great idea that will make you millions. It's time to make the millions. Or at least buy some KY.

Gemini:

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so that still picture of the sex tape you made with Octomom all those years ago are going to make a big splash when they hit Facebook today.

Cancer:

You ate the raw crawfish, didn't you? You were drunk... yeah? Enjoy the lungworm.

Leo:

They say that stuff in life happens in threes, and three is definitely in your future. Watch out for the mugger, the burglar, and the murderer today, ok?

Virgo:

I hope you've got a lot of protection in your home, and I'm not talking about the child safety locks or the deadbolts on your front door. Yep - I'm talking about condoms. Hope you have lots of condoms. Lots. Just tons. Plenty of them. It might not be life changing sex that you have with yourself tonight, but at least condoms make the cleanup a little bit easier.

Libra:

When push comes to shove today, decide to take the road less traveled. Then, when you do, make sure you bring some mace with you since people don't travel the road less traveled because of the random ambushes that occur.

Scorpio:

We've received a special communication for you today. It says "Go fuck yourself." Take that for what it is.

Sagittarius:

You're going to have a 4 star day today. And by that I mean that at least four very heavy objects are going to fall from the sky with your head as a target. Watch out for falling space poop balls from the International Space Station.

Capricorn:

I know it's only July, but Christmas stuff for 2012 has already made it onto the store shelves. Tell the Mayans "Howdy!" for me when you see them. You see... it's not the end of the world the Mayans predicted for Christmas this year... it's yours.

Aquarius:

I hear you've got a date tonight. You're planning on doing some fine dining. There's a wild mushroom risotto on the menu. They have candles on the tables. Your date has genital warts. Have a nice time!

Pisces:

Just do what comes natural to you when you see an 18 wheeler jack-knifed and coming straight for your car tonight on the way home. I'd probably scream and piss my pants. No one will blame you if you do the same.

Tim Pawlenty in Disguise to Avoid Romney VP Pick

We found this picture today of Pawlenty in hiding somewhere exotic... ok
Minnesota.... trying to avoid Romney.
Source Photo: Office of Governor Tim Pawlenty

Now that oddsmakers have determined that former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is the most likely candidate to be chosen as Romney's Vice Presidential running partner, our Government insider source, Shallow Throat, has learned that Pawlenty has gone into hiding.

"His office told us that he went on vacation somewhere," said Shallow Throat. "With all the hot weather lately, we know he didn't head South. So we investigated in the North."

And Shallow Throat found success in finding the former Governor of Minnesota in that very state, dressed up in disguise. "He was very obviously trying to avoid people and being recognized if people saw him," observed Shallow Throat. "Why you would go to the Mall of America under those circumstances, I don't know... maybe to pick up some comics or something or to play a game of laser tag. Thankfully I was able to get a photo of him in his disguise."

Pawlenty himself had no comment regarding the matter, but his office told us to "leave our guy the f--- alone or we will beat you with an ugly stick."

At The Pummelo, we can't really say that we blame Pawlenty for trying to avoid what could be political death in joining a Romney team that is currently tied in the straw polls by the miracle of Democratic political mismanagement. "Yeah I wouldn't want to run with Romney either," said Shallow Throat. "You know that whomever ends up being the VP pick is going to end up seeing a lot of me, and that's never a good thing for your political career."

We can, however, thank Pawlenty for one of the worst disguises ever.

Your Daily Death & Dentistry, July 17, 2012

Your Pummelo Horoscope For 7/17/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  A seemingly normal birthday celebration at a restaurant will result in a deadly shooting because of your choice of a karaoke song.

Aries: Demonic rape is kind of a cliché fantasy, until it actually happens to you.

Taurus:  The Stars have previously mentioned you’ll die in a horrific accident with caustic acid, but this time they seem certain it will happen.

Gemini:  Your childhood home is a nostalgic place to visit on occasion, but it might be best if you didn’t do it when the violent drug smugglers who now own it are home.

 Cancer: It’s not as if the Stars set their expectations especially high, but that stuff you did with the live fish and dead chicken were still pretty shocking.

Leo: You will never receive closure on what you witnessed between Uncle Pete and your “Wendy: The Good Little Witch” comics.

Virgo: The sinking of your life raft is pretty hilarious actually.

Libra: Because it has to be said, chainmail bikinis are standard for she-barbarian cliques, not doughy bus drivers.

Scorpio:  Calling random people to see if they had, “Prince Albert in a can?” was funny, in 1953, 2012? Not so much.

Sagittarius: Yes, your mom has always enjoyed strip blackjack with hookers, are you really so naive?

Capricorn: I would stay out of the bouncy castle in my neighbor’s back yard if I were you.

Aquarius: Your feet and hands are probably in a garbage dump somewhere, I’m sure of it.

Pisces: The Mother Superior’s forced graciousness hides the fact she is planning on hunting you for sport.

Where Art Thou, Firefly? And Can You Come Back?

Has it really been 10 years since Firefly?

An American immigrant story told from the perspective of the future. Characters that made you want to love them. Writing that sometimes made you say "Meh," but then something always saved it in the end.

Oh yeah... and a lot of Nathan Fillion's butt cheeks. That man has an ass that makes heterosexuals want to slap him on one cheek so he'll turn the other one so you can slap it too.

Firefly and then later Serenity really have set the stage and the expectation level for what future science fiction is supposed to be. Not necessarily because it was the longest lived series ever [which the only series that was shorter that I've ever liked was the recent Outcasts], but because it showed the human condition in a realistic way. It's not like Star Trek where it's a future we kind of hope for... it's a future that we could probably end of having and would want to have.

Why? Because people weren't afraid to work hard to make a better life for themselves and their families. People weren't afraid to take risks in some God forsaken place or a rusty old spaceship just so they could live the life that they wanted to live. That spirituality is an important part of life, whether you believe in God, Allah, Atheism, Agnosticism, or some other spiritual element. That government is at its nature an evil element that we should probably avoid at all costs if we want to do the things we want to do.

Of respecting each other because they are different and they think differently.

The "you're either with me or against me" philosophy that so many people have today is what is causing the condition that we are in. There is no compromise. There is no respect for a differing opinion. There is no expectation to challenge for greater learning potential. There is only "do as I say or  shut your mouth and if you can't do that, then don't let the door hit you on the way out." A team, a community, and yes - even a nation - are composed of all parts, all philosophies, and all belief systems. This country isn't a Christian nation. It's not an Islamic nation. It's a melting pot of opportunity... or at least it used to be.

Firefly came out the year my wife and I got married and for me it represents a time in my life where I had a lot of expectation for the future. Not hope - expectation. I was writing my first book. I had an agent. I had a cruddy job processing contracts for a company where I could fill my quota in 45 minutes, so I sat for the other 7 hours and did nothing but read, write, or sleep at $10/hr. Of living in a small little rental house that had a broken drain and it wouldn't let the water from the washing machine drain out right. Of our weekly walk down to the Dairy Queen to get ice cream and just be with each other.

I still have an expectation for the future, and I won't lie and tell you that it hasn't become more cynical. I see Christians fight Christians every day over the issue of non-Christian homosexuality. I see Americans hate other Americans because they don't exactly agree with their politics, beliefs, or favorite foods. That has caused me to have the expectation that the America of the future is going to fail if it continues down that path.

But I'm doing something about it. I'm teaching my kids what my parents and some other people taught me: to love unconditionally, to forgive freely, to not only expect to be challenged over their beliefs and opinions but also challenge others on theirs, and to remember that for them to be in an argument, they must be participants in the arguing, and that's not ok. I might not be the most successful person, the most intelligent, or even the most Christ-like, but I have four kids who are commonly described as the most intelligent, best behaved, and most inclusive children people have ever met.

I might not be able to change America, but I can teach my kids what it means to value their honesty, strength, ingenuity, and freedom while supporting these traits in others. Firefly taught me that, it has taught others that, and that's why this little show and movie continues to influence people a decade after it was cancelled.

Ray Romano Says "Vagina" in Attempt to Stay Relevant

Despite being worth $120 million, Romano is still trying to stay relevant.

Ray Romano, who is worth over $100 million mostly thanks to Everybody Loves Raymond, has been out of the public spotlight for quite awhile except for his vocal talents in the Ice Age series of movies, where he plays Manny. Today he attempted to get back into the spotlight by riding on the coattails of others by uttering the word "vagina" while in a public place promoting his latest Ice Age movie that hit theaters on July 13th.

"It was something that I just had to do," said Romano. "I needed people to be able to pay attention to me once again."

For several years, Romano says he felt ok about about not being in the homes of many Americans at least once a week with new episodes. "But as the rigors of watching myself in syndication kept hitting home, I began to crave the spotlight once again," admitted Romano. "That's ultimately why I said the word 'vagina' today while I was out promoting my new movie."

Even though he was in a series on TNT fairly recently, Romano says that doesn't really count. "Nobody really watched it and they cancelled it after a couple years, so it just really filled my wallet and not my ego."

After uttering the word "vagina" in public, Romano's Klout score apparently went up about half a point. "Any little bit I get helps," said Romano. "I might even say 'vagina' twice the next time I go out to get some milk if people around me just to see what happens."

Ice Age: Continental Drift is the perfect medium to promote a better public image, says Romano. "My new movie recycles ideas for comedy just like me," he said. "Now is definitely the time to make my move since I've got stand up in Vegas coming up, so after I say vagina a couple times, you might even hear me say the word 'penis.'"

If you want, you can catch Romano at The Mirage in September, October, & November this year. Otherwise, just watch for him out on the street and if you see him, you might get lucky and hear him say "vagina" too.

Your Daily Death & Dentistry, July 16, 2012

Your Daily Death & Dentistry For 7/16/12: 

If Your Birthday Is Today:  Does it feel like something snaking inside? Twisting, crushing, burning, pulling, squeezing, and stabbing? Yeah that’s what you get sleeping with truck stop hookers and flea bitten mandrills all the time.

Aries: You’re going to have to find another room to bury the bodies under now that you’ve taken every square inch of the living room.

Taurus:  You used to sit silently and enjoy a drink, looking out at the sea but after you’re blinded today that will just be a pleasant memory.

Gemini:  Flies will be drawn to your decaying body... well, something that looks like flies anyway.

Cancer: I know it is discouraging, but it might even be that protecting yourself from the white stuff in the corner of people’s eyes is beyond the powers of any one person.

Leo: You will be elevated to metaphysical status 11 minutes from now after the train derails.

Virgo: The rule is, ‘you get what you deserve’ so you get buried under 11,000 gallons of rum raisin ice cream traveling today.  

Libra:  You have a great personality, but the reckless violent format of your life doesn’t allow you to show it.

Scorpio:  A historically significant response will be required against the campaign worker at your door today.

Sagittarius: Simply follow your impulse when the Galactic Counsel of Nebbish Gumshoes asks for an interview.

Capricorn We all get exhausted at some point, but usually not when trying to climb the Empire State Building good thing you’re only 190 feet from the ground.

Aquarius The Stars are inclined to think that their role in Aquarian lives is finished because you continue to ignore them.

Pisces: Regardless of what Mom and Dad said you are a human being without potential.

"Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child" Taken Seriously in Family of Red Sox Fans

For one Red Sox Nation family, has Biblical discipline gone too far?
Photo: Keith Allison

BOSTON, MA - Child welfare authorities were called out to a suburban Boston home this morning on the reports that a family was severely abusing their children during discipline sessions.

John & Linda Baptista are the family in question. "I don't see what the big deal is," said John. "We're just following the Bible's parenting advice involving the discipline of our children."

Authorities were called out after the children arrived at daycare with bloodshot eyes and had been obviously crying for an extended period of time. Layla Miller says she is the one who made the initial contact with child welfare authorities. "The kids were so upset and you could tell that they had been hurt in some way," she told us. "I just hope everything turns out all right. You hate to see it when parents hurt their kids."

So what exactly is in question regarding the conduct of the Baptistas? Child welfare authorities, upon inspecting the Baptista home, found a small closet with a single light bulb that was filled with Alex Rodriguez memorabilia. If one of the three Baptista children, aged 11, 9, & 7 and all die hard Red Sox fans, would misbehave, they would be sent to this closet for up to five minutes at a time... forced to stare at the smiling faces of Alex Rodriguez all around them or have his eyes boring into their skulls while they sat there with eyes pressed tightly closed.

"It's probably the most inhumane thing a parent could do to a child in this city," said long time social worker Carl Monroe. "The only thing that might be worse would be to add a few pics of Babe Ruth into that mix."

Biblical Discipline Gone Too Far?

"The Bible clearly states that a parent who spares the rod hates his son," said Linda Baptista. "We don't thinking spanking is appropriate in our home, and so to be diligent in disciplining our children, we created the time out room." She sighed. "The way people are reacting, however, you'd think we were beating our children with rubber hoses."

The Pummelo Arts: Conversations With Death ~ Tiny Drops Of Rain

"Your life on earth," Death asked, "What would you compare it to?

“Do you do this with everyone?”

The eyes of Death never moved

“A drop of water”

 “I grew up on a farm in Oklahoma, I guess you know, anyway water was precious, it came and went to quickly.”

“That was life; it came and went to quickly.”

“But it was more than that, a drop is a unique, the light the quality is different every time. That’s the way life was for me. Every change was new and different and unique.

“I was a sentimentalist I guess, but every change should be remembered, well no there were things I hated having change, hate remembering like when the tornado destroyed our crops, or when Regan my sister died.”

“Regan was 12, did?”

“Did she hurt?”

Death stood, “No, she was sad, she compared life to roses”

“Thank you, I wondered.”

“Regan’s death was hard but it also became a brilliant drop. Her presence reminded me every day how short life is, and how to see beauty.”

“Without Regan, without the storms I might not have come to understand where beauty is in all places.”

“The drops after rain clinging to the barrels, to the harvester blades, the sound on the roof, all of it was distinctive”

“So I made life that way, my art, my leaving home, the people I met, life was to short, but it was beautiful and I’m thankful it came as I was whenever it rained.”